How do I get there?

First time poster :wave:
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and recently my sex life with my husband has heated up again.
The problem I face is that I’m mostly vanilla and straight but my husband is curious and into anal play. We recently went through a MASSIVE drought and he turned to porn and began his exploring alone. I feel quite responsible for this as I was the one not putting value in myself or our sex life. So now with us reconnecting I’m struggling to get my head into anal play. I worked as a healthcare worker for years with the elderly and it is a turn off to touch anyones butthole. I’m particularly not into anal sex myself, as I have a huge vein that hurts if the area is messed with and I get large haemorrhoids and fissures. I’m trying to make my way there because I do love him (who am I kidding? He’s my person) but I’m struggling to make a path. Any advice grateful received, thanks for reading.


@slowtogo welcome and great first post.

You have very valid reasons that bum fun is not your thing (right now) and I think you need to be kinder to yourself.

Nothing says he can’t satisfy his own needs in that area without your participation. Maybe a way forward is for you to start to watch him play?

But my real advice is that it’s perfectly OK for you to just not be into it.


Hi @slowtogo welcome +1 to what @Mrs.john says. There’s plenty of butt plugs, suction cup dildos that he can use solo. It’s not your thing and that’s cool


I’m feeling pretty ratchet about the whole deal to be honest. I used to be into exploring but I’m very intimidated stepping out of my comfort zone now. I know it’s not like finding a magic pill or anything, more just finding my path. I hadn’t even considered the idea of watching him go solo, I feel a bit of trepidation even thinking about just that. Would he be ok just letting me watch? Would I make a face or say something stupid to turn it on it’s head?
He is very interested in the idea of pegging too.


Hello and welcome @slowtogo :slightly_smiling_face:

Perhaps you could start small, and try PIV sex with him wearing a butt plug? They’re more static anal toys than dildos so shouldn’t need anyone fiddling with it, but would still provide some anal stimulation.


Hi @slowtogo and welcome to the forum.

I think it is perfectly fine in your scenario to be wary of using your own bum. However, I think pegging him as a goal is something you should consider.

There are lots of threads here about how to build up to it (slowly and with lots of lube), but with you wearing the strap on, there is lots of fun to be had with his ass. We do it a lot, as do a number of others on the forum, and the feelings are amazing.

I know it probably seems scary, but you really can build up slowly. He can use butt plugs, then you can use dildos on him etc, as and when you can.

I realise it does mean stepping outside your comfort zone, but given it is his body taking the insertions, hopefully that is less scary for you, and easier to get to as a goal.

Good luck xx


I think you need to have a chat, obviously it’s very uncomfortable for you but think about @KinkyMira pegging him, either with a strap on or get a double ended one for your pleasure too. Or @Ian_Chimp idea, ordinary sex with your oh having a butt plug in… Or get a vibrating one and control the vibration and you might get the vibration through too


I think you have very valid reasons to not allow anal play and I must admit it is not something that interests me either. There are many ways he could sort himself out with this. (See male masterbaters). I think he should respect this and get on enjoying many other things are interested in.

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Just to pick up on this a little - anal play has very little to do with sexuality, and is considered to be increasingly more mainstream than it once was.

That said, if it’s not your thing (to give or receive) then that’s okay too. :+1: If you do want to get past the reservations you have (depending on exactly what they are) then it might be worthwhile having a read of some of the other forum topics on the subject. Reading about people’s experiences in their own words can often be very enlightening, and help you see things from a different perspective.


If nothing else, I think the mindset that works best is, that you’re only here once, so why not try a few things? Obviously if there’s a physical issue such as you described with the poppy vein thing, then it’s a matter finding alternatives to that particular activity. And there are a LOT of alternatives! I feel you’ll especially enjoy the pegging aspect, if he has told you he is willing, you go for it, girl…! I wish you all the best on your journey. :slight_smile:

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Hi @slowtogo, welcome to the forum :wave:

Have a chat. You wont know if you dont ask, he might be really into it.
Watching him masturbate or mutual masturbation is a great idea. If the whole bum thing puts you off watch his reactions to it. The way guys react to that kind of stimulation can be incredibly erotic.

A nice idea might be to get a vibrating butt plug with a remote. He can put it in, you can have controll of the remote. They feel amazing and are a Great way to participate for a partner. Fun for watching him masturbate or for use when your having all types of sex (fun for when a partners giving you head too).

(Ps. A couple of threads you might find interesting
Pegging, do women enjoy pegging their man?
Pegging, why do you like it. From all perspectives )


Hello :wave:

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Anal is so over rated from the male giver perspective in a heterosexual relationship. I think for most guys it is just a ‘bucket list’ thing they have heard about and need to do. PIV (penis in vagina) is what P and V were made for. P in bum grips in all the wrong places from the ‘giver’s’ perspective. It’s a shame you problems down there because from a receiver’s perspective it can feel amazing from someone who knows what they are doing. I would recommend you begin a reconnection with PIV and experiment with different position. Lovehoney has plenty of suggestions


Thanks again. everyone for your thoughts. I definitely have a lot to get me going. I fully intend to show this thread to my husband and we’ll chat about it.


My apologies, the words straight and vanilla was in reference to myself, more meaning basic and boring. No spin on sexuality intended.

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No worries. :+1: It’s a common misconception that anal play and pegging are somehow ‘gay’, and I make a point of refuting that whenever I get the chance. :slightly_smiling_face:

Though ‘vanilla’ shouldn’t mean basic and boring either. My tastes lean more towards the vanilla end of the spectrum, and I have a great time. :slightly_smiling_face:

If your sex life has been non-existent for a significant amount of time, just re-connecting and finding intimacy again can be a lot of fun. I don’t think you have to over-emphasise anal play and dive right in. Take as much time as you need to get your head around why you don’t like the idea of it, and concentrate on all the other things you do know you like. You might find yourself becoming more open to the idea once you take a bit of the pressure off. :+1:


At the end of the day, if its not your thing thats ok. We all have hard limits and things we find as a turn off. Maybe it will be something you can work up to, or circle back to in the future. But like @Mrs.John said, dont be too hard on yourself.

Besides, there are plenty of other fun things you can both explore and try together. Having a wander through the forum is a good place to find ideas. Theres a massive thread of Positions of the week on here with a ton of options to look through too.

Theres been some really nice advice on here, so hopefully its given you some ideas. But getting your confidence back is a good place to begin. So don’t feel like you have to rush into stuff. Its ok to say your not ready for something.


I think this would be a great idea.
You can start with having little sessions together where he plays with his own toys, and you play with your own in front of each other.
Not only will it be hot - but you’ll also get to see what it’s all about, what he enjoys, how he does it.
And hopefully he will be more than happy to let you watch, to share this journey with you then maybe one day you’ll like to start trying things with him yourself.

Regarding anal on yourself - if it’s something you don’t fancy, then just dontn Especially if you have a reason like you said - I wouldn’t risk it, unless it was something that you really wanted to do.
Then very slow, small and steady.
But don’t just do that for his benefit - I’m sure he’ll be more than happy about you helping to explore his body even further and his kinky pleasures :smiling_imp: