I would very much appreciate some advice/help from other people who have had this experience or are experiencing it atm.
Im 19 YO and my GF is the same.
We started seeing each other a year and 4 months ago. I know i love her but i dont know if im in love with her. she before me has had previous failed relationships and has more been used for sex. She is beautiful, sexy and i adore her and never want to hurt her. but in my head something doesnt feel right.
i find myself getting annoyed about silly little things and i know it has a negative effect on her, she did ask me the other day if we are "in love" i said yes, i paniced. but under thought i dont know.
i dont want to break up with her cause it will destroy her, im the one for her, she has even planned out a life for us in her head. If anything that adds to this cause i have to think that far ahead to see if thats what i want.
to top it off she has depression. which would make breaking up with her even harder just hearing or seeing her cry crushes me inside and i cant do that to her..
Hey Ultrabeat, first thing I'd say is the basic problem of working out your own feelings towards a partner is something that pretty much everyone goes through. I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and I know trying to sort my own head out as to my feelings for her, and the situation can be tough as well.
The main thing I would say, is you have to think about yourself aswell. I understand that you don't want to hurt her, but staying together out of pity/guilt isn't going to be a good foundation for a relationship in the long run, especially if she's already planned a life for you (which leads me to wonder, is this life something she's planned on her own, or something she consults with you, as a couple?).
You say something doesn't feel right, maybe it's not your feelings towards her, but you're just feeling pressured, or (unintentionally) guilt tripped in some way?
Would it be a good idea to talk to her about your future? Not anything to do with breaking up (if you're still unsure, and you still care about hurting her, then she's obviously someone you do still care about), but just genreally, about how no-one knows what's going to happen, and just taking things as they come?
Well love... is a confusing thing. I guess I learned that a little too late. Basically a woman appears to be hitting on me and eased me into having sex with her - well, sex-ish. So as you can tell, I'm not at the stage where I'm even in love with her, and yet I feel love for her when we're having sex.
A year and a third is a long time and if you're wondering whether or not you love her, you know there's a problem. I'm agreeing with Shaft: the more she gets the future of you both, the harder it's going to be in the long run. I told my girlfriend (if I can call her that at this moment) that I needed to slow down as I feel uncomfortable and guilty for having sex with her, and yet we had sex again two nights ago. Oh well.
It's clear you're on a pessimistic run, so try to observe things you like about her rather than things you don't like about her. Just so that you can at least take a neutral stance on things.
If you do decide to break up with her, tell her that you're not right for her and basically put the blame on yourself. That way, she shouldn't be hurt as much. It is a shame though after one year and four months, but it's what happens, I guess...
reading your post i felt that you talked about her planning your life out together do you think this has had an effect on you. i think you need to talk to her and have a talk with yourself. i'm not very good at these things , i hope you mange to get things sorted out and that your happy.
Damn, I forgot to mention what Fizzy said. It seems as though you're rather frightened at the thought of a long term relationship. Perhaps it's because of the pressure it places onto you? The fact that she's already planned that you're both basically going to be staying together for much longer and you don't even know if you're ready or not to go through with it.
Meh, not sure what to suggest at this point so I'll leave it there for now.
Thanks for all the replies, yeah i agree with what all of you have said. it comes in patches though its weird sometimes im fine then others im not, shes at uni atm and it seems the further she gets way from me the more clingy she gets.
we have spoke of this before and we have tried to find ways round it and for a brief while its okay... i agree id put all the blame on me cause it is my fault anyway i guess. id love not to be feeling this but i cant help it.
i forgot to mention its my first serious relationship in ages.... and yeah the plans are her. she asks me if i will marry her and i tell her no, but she keeps asking.
she also cant get the concept of enjoying something while it lasts, she had said if we break up id be completely cut off which isnt fair, but she isnt one for coping with stuff.
i really dont know maybe i should wait to the new year and see what that brings.... the thing is ive god plans to go into the forces, and for definate. i wont carry a relationship on in there my career and training comes first if im lucky enough to get the oppotunity.
The problem sounds like she feels insecure and wants to be loved in a "stable" (marriage) relationship.
Firstly, 19 is very young to be serious about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone, it should not be something that is rushed.
Secondly, I would talk to her properly as you sound unhappy as does she. Try and tell her to chill of a little, to enioy being together instead of looking to the furture the whole time.
If this doesn't work, I would seriously consider ending things. There are two people in your relationship, you both have the right to say what you feel and be happy.
You have already made plans to go away and you don't seem to want to carry on the relationship, why drag on the inevitable?
thanks for the advice, yeah the difference is im "it" for her. shes made her mistakes and had her relationships.
im the one she has been searching for.
me on the other hand i have no idea whether what i feel is normal or not ive not had any other serious GF. yh ive tried to say not to rush things and just have fun, that seems to have gone we used to have loads of fun she doesnt seem to realise that its the fact im being pressured and questioned on us constantly thats driving me away
ill give her one more chance to stop cause we used to be really happy, i guess im gonna have to break it to her and expect tears and so on..
I don't believe there is one person for each person, I believe there are lots of matches otherwise we'd be pretty screwed.
Even in the UK which has around 70 million, the chances of finding the "one" for you is extremely low if there is only one for everyone.
Even though she has had relationships, you can't be sure at 19 that you have found the perfect one. You have to just enjoy it for what it is. My friend is 25 and has had 10 serious relationships, she still hasn't found the one or someone right for her.
Talk to her and give her another chance, make sure she realises the seriousness of the situation. Perhaps that way she'll back of a bit.
Perhaps try reconnecting like old times, do things that you both like etc.
Ultra, you need to tell her how you feel in a gentle manner. If you feel pressured, then tell her. Your case is rather similar to mine, so therefore I understand what situation you're in. I'm not exactly an optimistic person and am sort of a loner in a way, therefore relationships are difficult for me. Especially since I'm also at uni myself and am a strictly all work, no play person. My girlfriend also pressures me into doing things I don't feel comfortable with and actually caused me to become blank-minded which usually happens when I'm getting upset.
Please, whatever you do, just don't be so pessimistic as it'll do nothing good in the long run and will erase all the good things that could happen between you two. Go on dates together! Strive for that happiness you both shared! Tell her to enjoy the moment and to not think so much about the future.
I really hope it works out for you both. Please do try to be more optimistic about your relationship as you used to be happy with her.
Ultrabeat: you need to talk to her, thats for sure, but after the talk give her some time to think about what you said and to see if she can cope with the situation. it may come to that, that you will have to break up with her, but I would try to talk to her first.
as for career coming first, I was once like that, I put my school first, the result was I lost one of the best partners for me for good, because I sacrifised the relationship for the sake of school. I spent years alone, without giving myself a chance to love again. Frankly, it did destroy me on the inside and starting a new relationship seemed almost impossible and I started to turn into rather lonely creature, as I thought either career or relationship, I cannot have more, I have to sacrifice the relationship. I now have both. I am doing two part time jobs, degree, working on my first article as part of my PhD, and in long distance relationship, we are not even in the same country! You can combine both, but you both have to develop certain respect, trust, accept you may have less time together, and enjoy what time you have. Just because you are going to forces, you should not think its impossible to be in relationship. All you need is understanding and patient partner, who can cope with the possible restrictions.
i had to tell her. it didnt go well, and we havent even broke up. i can tell she is distraught ive said this stuff. and i dont even know how well iv communicated it to her.
all i know is i feel horible but releaved at the same time. im no longer crrying a burden on my shoulders trying to pretend it will be okay.
all she kept saying was i dont knw what you want from me. my only reply was "for yout to be in this relationship now, and not planning the future"
she cant see past the initial meaning of stuff though. so she will now assume this mean im definately going to break up with her, even though i know if i didnt feel pressured and she just enjoyed us rather than quizzing me and questioning all the time id be more than happy to stay, and we could develop to what she obviously wants....
i guess its the same scenario most people go through, they try so hard to keep it they end up pushing them away..
This is why you must plan answers in advance, my friend. Saying that though, it's easier to suggest what somewhat says rather than you suggesting what you should say. You could've worded it better though, as you could've said that you don't want to hear her plans for the future yet and that you want to enjoy spending time with her in the here and now. What you said kinda sounded like you were forbidding her from thinking at all about your future together. Just tell her you're not very good with words and tell her what you meant. It would at least lessen the blow and she might come to a realisation then. Perhaps the blunt method was a good choice providing you tell her that you didn't mean it to be so blunt.
Any person can think whatever they want to think. It's just that she's probing you with questions, which I now know is the main problem here. Tell her not to ask those questions so much. The thing you need to do is probe each others' minds to find out what's worrying them, and I think you might have to ask her why she keeps asking those questions and delve a little deeper after that. I couldn't suggest what to ask after that as it depends on what answer she gives.
Here's a question I want to ask you: do you, in your heart, love her? Forget about the whole probing questions and not being able to enjoy time with each other as you'd like.
yh, i realise now it didnt go to plan, but feelings never do, its something as much as i try i cant control.
ive sent her an email trying to explain and go into more detail on what i said. she deservse that. i just fear she wont be able to move on from this though, constantly no worried we are gonna seperate, which will actually course us to serperate.
Actually... doing it on phone and mail may sometimes be worse than doing it in person. Mails are nice, but doing it in person is better. i had a breaking up over phone and mail and I have to say, it hurts far more than in person, as you are lacking the contact, you have to wait hours for a reply in case of email and you start to be incredibly stressed. since then I prefer face to face talk. Harder to do, but soo much better. and because you have direct contact, I think its easier to find solution, without breaking up.
i dont want to break up with her cause it will destroy her, im the one for her, she has even planned out a life for us in her head. If anything that adds to this cause i have to think that far ahead to see if thats what i want.
You may think you're protecting her by staying in the relationship, which is admirable, but your reasoning is flawed.
If you realise you no longer want to be with someone, then it's better to end the relationship sooner rather than later, because for every minute you spend with someone you're not committed too, you're essentially leading them on. What your girlfriend wants and deserves is someone who will love her with every fibre of their being, and not a relationship built on a lie. If that person isn't you, then while it may be painful in the short term, it's better to let her go and give her the opportunity to find that somebody.
So, whatever you do, don't stay with her merely out of a sense of guilt or responsiblity, because what you'll be doing won't be in her best interests at all.
hey ultrabeat i totally see where ur coming from n agree with our friends here
i experinced the same feeling i was married from 22 till last year n for those last 4 years i knew i wasnt in love - it was just a feeling that niggled at me it pulled stronger somedays n not so strong other n i thought i would get over it i still love him deeply n miss all sorts of but it took me over 4 years to leave because i didnt want to hurt him n was afraid at what life was outside my marriage. i was too young at 22 n im not saying you are but before i knew it 4 years had past by with me trying to keep my feelings in check even though at times i was truly unhappy.
im nearly 33 n feel that this is my one chance at life its not a practice run n if you dont b careful sometimes it moves on without you
i dont mean to sound heavy but ur young n may need to think of urself a bit more on this one, i truly admire ur reasoning n desire not to hurt ur partner but remind urself of where u see urself n what u want in life but remind urself that these situations often have costs n we can only do our best to minimise them but not eliminate them.
i apologise if bit heavy n serious but this is my experince
My feeling is that 19 is a bit young to start thinking of planning a life together.
I think you should explain to her in the nicest possible way that you are too young to settle down yet and you want to save up money for a home first.
Sorry that she's suffering from depression, but one must wonder why. And fearing to hurt her because of her depression is very kind of you, but in the longer run will do neither of you any good at all.
Again sorry to say this but if she's being emotionally needy, and you're not sure about your feelings, you should put on the brakes. Perhaps have a chat with your mum about the situation. Teen romances can be awfully painful but they're something we have all been through (sigh) and happily have survived.
