Hubby has lots of health issues mental and now physical after stroke nearly three years ago, sex is rare now but as long as we cuddle I cope for me him talking about it, helps me so I know he still loves me, your partner will feel the same. Remember your pampering and little goals.
Thank you kittencub, I appreciate what you're saying and I'll try to remember that :)
I guess I've got to do it in little bursts though, I feel like if I just spewed my emotions all over my partner it would be a bit much! I know he puts me first, and sometimes that's not good because I want him to enjoy himself and not have to worry about me so much. It must be draining for him :/
Boogaloo wrote:
Thank you kittencub, I appreciate what you're saying and I'll try to remember that :)
I guess I've got to do it in little bursts though, I feel like if I just spewed my emotions all over my partner it would be a bit much! I know he puts me first, and sometimes that's not good because I want him to enjoy himself and not have to worry about me so much. It must be draining for him :/
I've been to hell and back more times than I care to remember one thing kept me going the friends on the phone or it can be forum friends here you are not alone hugs.
Boogaloo, I know absolutely nothing about mental health issues so any advice I could give would be worthless.
Its also very difficult to know what to say without seeming trite and cliché.
From what I have read that you have posted you really do seem a fantastic lady, who it would be an absolute pleasure and an honour to know in real life.
The manner with which you cope with your health issues is truly admirable, and I can completely understand that is got to be difficult to keep smiling every single day.
The only thing I would say, and please don't take this as patronising, is keep yourself as healthy as you can both mentally and physically. And that's got to mean don't entertain any notions of self harm.
I understand that is easy for me to say as I have no experience of what drives people to self harm , or what needs are satisfied by it. I can only assume it is like an addiction and to be honest if that's the case I am a hypocrite who would fail in following his own advice.
But the difference is you are a stronger person than I or the majority of people on this planet will ever be.
Nuff love macspants
Boogaloo, I can feel your pain in your message, and I'm glad that you posted on here. I have only been on here for a while, but can see it's a genuine honest bunch of supportive people. It's a good question you ask. As everybody has unbearably difficult moments in life that they want to get through. And I like your question in terms of practical advice on how to get through it. As in my own experience it is actually day to day practical things that get you through difficulties. With regards to the intimacy that sex brings. I think this is important, for the soul. Closeness and intimacy is sometimes all we have, certainly I have felt it in the past (won't go in to details). If you are seeking this intimacy for your own reasons, with someone you dearly love, I think that is fine, more then that, totally healthy. But I would say, as i do to my wife, keep an eye, keep track of always overly trying to please people. Gets you nowhere other then damaging yourself, in my opinion. So all the advice I can offer is time-out meditation as has been said by somebody else here. I consider mediation to be deliberate quiet time away, contemplation and relaxing. For me it gains perspective and relaxes me. And a hobby or something else you can focus your attention on. And I suggest talking talking to your OH. About everything you find difficult. As hard as it. Force yourself. No matter what you think would be said. It will be better then that. Go outside. I pray. I contemplate my life and my loved ones. And try to remain in weekly contact with those important to me x
Boogaloo wrote:
Thank you kittencub, I appreciate what you're saying and I'll try to remember that :)
I guess I've got to do it in little bursts though, I feel like if I just spewed my emotions all over my partner it would be a bit much! I know he puts me first, and sometimes that's not good because I want him to enjoy himself and not have to worry about me so much. It must be draining for him :/
That's the kind of thing, almost exactly that my partner used to think XD Honestly I think I was always more worried about not knowing what was going on than anything else, she was always going on about how I couldn't do much because of looking after her, but as I kept telling her, I didn't care about all those other things, I cared about her.
That said it can be a juggling act trying to tell someone how you feel, but not tell them everything at once. It might help to write it down maybe? I've always found non verbal communication to be best, that way you don't forget anything or send the wrong message.
Oh and I know a lot of people shun the idea, but having a giant teddy bear is great for dealing with depression, I mean you're already deemed mentally unwell, so what harm can it do lol. (Seriously though, they can help a lot, especially when your struggling and everyones out of the house.)
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time, Boogaloo. I think anyone would find the things that you're dealing with beyond difficult and I honestly think that you're amazing for being such a kindhearted person despite what life throws at you.
I'm not really sure what to offer in terms of advice. From reading your posts, I often feel like you and I are similar in a lot of ways, although our experiences in a lot of things differ - like I really don't think I could cope with the illness that you have and have never been through any comparable experience in terms of your surgery and recovery. But from the self-harm perspective, I really understand where you're coming from and think that we're in a similar position because I used to cut pretty much every day, and stopped it mainly because of my partner. He worried a lot and it just changed how I felt about everything to do with it.
The main thing that keeps me on the straight-and-narrow is remembering what it was like being in that place where I'd hurt myself every day, and how addicting it was, and how it made everything in life revolve around negativity and pain. I have a lot of problems with emotional and impulse control still, but knowing that I never want to go back to being that person is what always stops me, because it would be so easy to go from one time to it being how it was in the past.
I know that someone suggested CBT and you said that it was something you went to and then it was discontinued for some reason - I do wonder if there would be some exercises from that sort of therapy that would help you though. I know that I refer back to the methods that I was taught from therapy - mostly things to do with stopping and writing things down, making charts to work out whether my feelings are accurately representing the world around me, or whether it might be that my feelings are skewing my behaviours and such like.
I'd also really recommend trying to be honest with your partner despite it being difficult. In the end, it'll be better for both of you if you're able to share things absolutely openly. Oddly enough I'm in a similar position with my partner with him really wanting me to tell him if I want to stop during sex, and for some reason I often just feel like I can't tell him, even though he's made it completely clear that he wants me to tell him. So I can empathise even though the reasons behind the issue are different :) And so I know that it's surprisingly hard to do when you have your expectations of yourself and your feelings about yourself telling you to do something totally different.
The idea of doing creative things as a therapeutic thing also sounds really good.
I really hope that things brighten up for you soon because you seem like a really lovely person. x
Hey hun, so sorry to hear things are tough right now. I'm afraid I have absolutely no personal experience with dealing with chronic pain, but it sounds like your GP is trying to pass the buck and avoid doing anything for you.
My husband suffers terribly with an intrusion of his spine which causes flare ups of pain. He's been given acupuncture, which helped, and also amytriptiline, which is an old fashioned antidepressant, as pain relief as it helps with his muscle spasms. I'm not sure if either of these options would be suitable for you, but could you mention it to your doctor? Or is there another doctor you could see? Sometimes a fresh approach works wonders.
Another thing you could try is aromatherapy. I'm not an expert do you'd need to take advice, but it does work wonders in some cases, and is a great excuse for a lovely massage too.
Your partner obviously adores you, as I'm sure a lot of us on here do too. You come across as a very generous, warm hearted young lady and your comments are always well thought out and helpful. Your partner worries because he loves you. You are the one he wants to be with. It certainly won't be a bother or disappointment to him to care for you, in fact he probably feels like a knight in shining armour!
Be gentle to both of you. If you feel like sex, then go for it. If you don't, then cuddle together and talk about anything you can think of. I'm not as young as I'd like to be any more, but one thing I've learned lately is that true intimacy isn't just about sex.
Hope there's some help in this mindless rambling. We're all here to help if we can, (one of the reasons I love this forum and everyone on it so much) so just vent off whenever you need to. Big hugs xxx
Macspants thank you so much, I found what you said very touching and I really appreciate it. :)
I'm still astounded how kind and supportive members of this community are, especially when I've never met any of you in person! It's not something I expected to find here when I joined, and I'm thankful I have.
Skitty I also feel you and I are very similar, especially from reading your post. It sounds like both of us have experienced the same kind of anxiety and addiction (albeit for different reasons, but still). Although I haven't harmed myself in years, it still feels like an addiction for me because it's the first thing I think of when I feel distraught or trapped, and it becomes a mental battle to get through it without cutting. It must sound absolutely insane to other people, I still don't really understand why I started doing it or how it became such a compulsive behaviour, I just found it so relieving somehow that I couldn't stop. It got really dangerous at times and I still felt compelled to do it, despite hurting everyone around me in the process, until I met my partner and realised how destructive it was. I still feel so guilty about what I've put everyone through, people still don't treat me the same because of it.
Writing things down is a really good idea - I actually used to keep a diary not long ago but ended up forgetting about it. I really should go back and try that again, thank you for the suggestion Raven.
It feels so weird opening up to you all about such dark stuff, I really hope you guys don't mind! It's a bit heavy for a sex chat forum, what a way to kick off the week! :p
GlamRockChick thank you for your response, it means a lot :)
Your husbands conditon sounds awful, that must be difficult for you both to deal with :/ Thank you for your suggestions on pain management - I have previously been prescribed amitryptiline which unfortunately didn't help, also other alternatives like gabapentin and topirimate which have been useless as well.
I am actually experimenting with aromatherapy, I don't know where to begin though! I have bought an aromatherapy humidifer/diffuser, which has a nice little mood light on. I use it at night time, or if I'm particularly stressed, with some lavandar oil in and I find it calms me down a little bit.
I've had acupuncture once and found it quite helpful, unfortunately I've got save up a bit more (and kick my LH addiction!) before I can give that another try.
Thank you :) xxx
Boogaloo wrote:
Although I haven't harmed myself in years, it still feels like an addiction for me because it's the first thing I think of when I feel distraught or trapped, and it becomes a mental battle to get through it without cutting. It must sound absolutely insane to other people, I still don't really understand why I started doing it or how it became such a compulsive behaviour, I just found it so relieving somehow that I couldn't stop. It got really dangerous at times and I still felt compelled to do it, despite hurting everyone around me in the process, until I met my partner and realised how destructive it was. I still feel so guilty about what I've put everyone through, people still don't treat me the same because of it.
I can really understand this. It's maybe been 8 or so years now since I made the decision to stop self-harming, but it's only really in the last 3 that I've stopped seeing it as an option at all. I think that part of this is through repeatedly telling myself that it's never ever going to happen again, and not allowing myself to think about it as a viable or realistic thing that could happen. I guess over the years I've started to listen to this and now it doesn't pop into my mind even if I'm in a really out-of-control mood. I think it's also about accepting your emotions and seeing them as a valid response to a situation, and not something that needs to be taken away or blotted out, despite how painful the feelings can be.
Maybe this won't be too relevant to your situation, but one of the most helpful things I've ever been told about emotions is to recognise that they're there, but that they won't stay the same forever. I think the analogy was to think of your emotions like weather - that if you're sad, there's no point in denying that it's raining or getting in a fluster trying to make it stop, because in however long it won't even be raining any more. I feel like I've lost some of the poetic flair to the original, but yes ;)
One thing that really helped me was to write things down. To write about my feelings, but also to write lists of alternative things that I could do to take my mind off whatever it was that was making me want to hurt myself at the time. Breaking out the felt-tip pens and making a lovely list is really quite therapeutic in itself :) And then it's something that you have forever that you can go back to for if you're in a really tough situation where you need any possible idea to make sure you don't hurt yourself. I think it also helps to have practical things to do because it distracts you, and I know that my biggest problem when I was depressed was being too introverted, so even though I wasn't self-harming I was still spending every minute of the day thinking about it rather than doing something constructive, so I was still very much addicted.
I hope that I haven't rambled on too much about my own situation and that maybe some of the things might spark off an idea that might help with the troubles you're having :) Wishing you lots of positivity x
Skitty wrote:
I think it's also about accepting your emotions and seeing them as a valid response to a situation, and not something that needs to be taken away or blotted out, despite how painful the feelings can be.
Maybe this won't be too relevant to your situation, but one of the most helpful things I've ever been told about emotions is to recognise that they're there, but that they won't stay the same forever. I think the analogy was to think of your emotions like weather - that if you're sad, there's no point in denying that it's raining or getting in a fluster trying to make it stop, because in however long it won't even be raining any more. I feel like I've lost some of the poetic flair to the original, but yes ;)
Skitty, this is really really useful advice for me, thank you so much :)
I think my knee jerk reaction in a lot of emotional situations is panic, and that leads me to want to put and end to the feeling as soon as possible, like you said. Perhaps it's just because I am the only outwardly emotional person in my family, and growing up I was kind of made to feel that that's not okay, and that rather than having valid feelings I was just being a 'drama queen'.
I really learnt to shut off eventually, but that does me no good like you say, and it would actually be a lot more constructive to look at those feelings as a natural response to something. Perhaps then I wouldn't panic so much, and could actually put them to good use and become a stronger person.
It's something I really need to work on, thank you :) And I wish you all the best, it sounds like you have had to overcome a lot and I have the utmost respect for you for coping with it in such a positive way, and even for finding it in you to come here and give me advice. You are a really strong person xxx
Hun you have been brave to speak out, and that is the first thing.
You need to get support in your area from your gp and or hospital, ad if you are even contemplating self harm, you are not in a good place at this time. .
In the meantime try MIND or crisis line to help get your through this.
Chronic pain is something that most people do not ever experience, and tackling it can be a combo of pills, relaxation/ meditation/ talk about coping strategies, or pain deflection therapies,. Sometimes mind over matter can help...but it takes time..and I can understand your frustration in getting it under control.
It sounds to me you are at a crossroads, get an urgent gp appointment with their resident pain management and or mental health doctor...and explain you are in crisis.
Don't take no for an answer... Talking about self harming is a red flag that no gp should ignore.
I have had mental health issues for many years and I am finally finding a light at the end of my tunnel...and my records have me flagged at my gp for any issues that relapse me.
I hope you get support in your medical team..but in the meantime we are all here for you.
Hugs xxx
Raven93 wrote:
Boogaloo wrote:
Thank you kittencub, I appreciate what you're saying and I'll try to remember that :)
I guess I've got to do it in little bursts though, I feel like if I just spewed my emotions all over my partner it would be a bit much! I know he puts me first, and sometimes that's not good because I want him to enjoy himself and not have to worry about me so much. It must be draining for him :/
That's the kind of thing, almost exactly that my partner used to think XD Honestly I think I was always more worried about not knowing what was going on than anything else, she was always going on about how I couldn't do much because of looking after her, but as I kept telling her, I didn't care about all those other things, I cared about her.
That said it can be a juggling act trying to tell someone how you feel, but not tell them everything at once. It might help to write it down maybe? I've always found non verbal communication to be best, that way you don't forget anything or send the wrong message.
Oh and I know a lot of people shun the idea, but having a giant teddy bear is great for dealing with depression, I mean you're already deemed mentally unwell, so what harm can it do lol. (Seriously though, they can help a lot, especially when your struggling and everyones out of the house.)
I cuddle monkeys or my Tardis plush very good suggestion,
Thank you NM :)
You're right, I should go back to my GP, I just find it very daunting because they honestly don't seem to care. And apparently I'm unable to be referred again for CBT because it's not been long enough since my last lot, even though they were spontaneously cancelled.
But I agree something needs to be done about the pain, perhaps if that was toned down a little then it would make everything else much easier to deal with as I wouldn't be so exhausted and worn down all the time. I have a follow up with my neurosurgeon in 2 months, I have tried to get an appointment with him sooner but he's too busy. He's probably the best person to talk to, as my pain has worsened since having my shunt op (which I've been told is normal, but doesn't hurt to check).
In the meantime I've spoken with my neurologist and she prescribed some new meds, which really messed me up so I had to come off of them. Next time I see her I will ask about a nerve block or something a bit more practical, maybe a referral to the pain team would be good.
At the moment I'm just kind of bumming around at home, I'm kind of scared to leave the house in case my pain gets really bad because then I find myself 'stuck', which happened to me today. I've recently gone back to work as a carer, but literally only for a couple of hours a week, and I had a sudden flare up of pelvic pain while I was with my client today which left me unable to move. I knew my responsibility was to be there for him and look after him, so I tried so hard not to let it show, but I honestly just wanted to burst into tears because it felt so bad! And I can't keep letting that happen, or I'll never go anywhere. :/
I'll definitely take your suggestions on board xx
http://www.crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html
Is the crisis helpline website.I am sure the lh team will have no objections for me to post this here in this instance.
I have used them in the past, and I have known many ppl who have contacted them.http://www.mind.org.uk/
Is another organization that deals especially with any mental health crisis, and offers a lot of advice and guidance for a number of different scenarios
When you are calling out for help...it needs those that listen give you the right support. These guys are not there to judge... They are to help and find you a solution to get you to cope with things..and or get things in motion to get support in your area.
Mental health organizations are getting better at changing the perception of ppl with a mental health issue... We all have stomachs.. So we can all potentially have stomach issues... We all have a brain, so we can all have a mental health issue at some point in our lives.
Hope you feel better soon..live one day at a time..and rejoice in the small things... You can make through this..
Xx
Thank you so much NM, I'll check those out. You've been really helpful xx
Boogaloo wrote:
I apologise in advance, because I know this is a sex forum and not a mental health forum. Moderators, feel free to remove. I'm choosing to post here because you're such a wonderful community, and I've seen many of you give others some great advice when it comes to personal topics.
I don't know where to begin really. I guess I'm just a little bit worried that I'm slipping into a dark place again, and in the past I've always used self harm as a way to cope with things but I'm obviously trying my best never to do that again. I have seen a doctor and been to therapy, but I've exhausted what's available on the NHS.
I've had a tough time lately, as some of you will know. For years now I've suffered with a neurological disorder that causes chronic pain and blindness (among other things), and recently I've undergone major surgery to try and save some of my eyesight. I've had to give up so much because of my condition already, like driving, studying for my degree, working (most of the time), activities I used to love like swimming etc. I was hoping I'd get my life back after surgery, but I feel in more pain than ever now, and unfortunately just been told to 'deal with it' by medical professionals.
This is putting a strain on all of my relationships, as I think others expected me to be my old self again once I'd recovered, and now that I'm worse it's kind of like some of them want nothing to do with me. I don't have many friends now, and my family members seem sick to death of hearing me talk about my illness. For me personally, I feel like I'm trapped inside a useless body, and I'm screaming to get out but feel like that will never happen. It's driving me insane feeling like this every day, and especially at my age! I feel like a failure.
To bring this back on topic, it's making my sex life difficult at times. I have this insane need to please, which my partner is trying to talk out of me as it often means I'll have sex even when I'm in pain, and when he finds out I've done that he feels really bad. This doesn't happen 100% of the time, there are still times we're able to have amazing sex, but when we can't I feel like I'm useless and terrible, an absolute failure as I said before. :( he puts no pressure on me at all, it all comes from myself.
I've been able to deal with this alone so far (and with the help of my partner), but lately we've lost our house and I've lost a close family member, and now it kinda feels like it's all tumbling down. This is where I've used self harm in the past, to try and regain control when I feel I'm losing it, but I can't do that now.
So really, I'm just wondering how you lovely people cope when times get hard? Is there anything you do in particular which you find helps?
Really sorry for the long miserable post, but I think just posting this has been helpful!
Argh boo! I wish you had twitter so we could talk about this. Sweetheart why are you afraid to post on here? I am like this all the time. I would love to share with you apps and books etc that i have found helpful.
I want to hug you so badly i've been though all of this...and yeah...i just wish i could hold you. If you have twitter add me @missbrowneyes92
I have alot of CBT methods that i can help you with. Also do you have a mac? I have an app that is fantastic, I will look as see if it is on ipad etc for you aswell.
I know how you feel i really do. I am having rape theraphy now for the situation that happened years ago but in terms of therpahy for everything else they literally gave up on me. I can't believe i am putting this but i am covered in scars from self harming and i have tried to end it three times, i've been in hospital...When i was in school i went from passing all my gcse exams in my mocks with c and above...then was hospitalised for six months and ended up coming out with all D and E grades. I felt like my life was pointless. I still get that alot. Theres alot that i dont post on here that is going on. I'm pretty much on a downer 24/7. I know so many people on here tell me i don't need to do so much gifting but for me that is my pick up if you get me?? I feel like i dont deserve stuff alot but helping others out makes me so happy and treating others makes me feel great. Hence why i like to gift.
As you can tell i don't sleep...at all. People get fustrated with me because money is hard for me right now and every penny i have goes on keeping my horse. They keep telling me to sell her and i would be better off..and i would be..i really would i could do so much more...maybe stop working so hard. But i can;t because that horse is the one thing that keeps my head above the water. She's expensive but my life.
Please keep talking to me on here ok? I know it's hard because it's all open but i swear to god i WILL help you and pull you though this. I promise that on everything i have even though thats not much.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You are not wrecked. You are loved. You are needed and you are wanted more than you would ever begin to understand. You make me smile and give me strength. I am so happy that you are on here.
Your not stupid either. God gives his hardest battles to his greatest warriors and darling be proud of your scars (i know i say the opposite about myself and i hate my scars more than anything) but they show how hard your life has been and how much you have overcome.
Hugs coming your way. I was jus about to come on here and ask if LH could make 'hugs' a gifting option haha! But i guess this is a good place to put it :)
Please Cazz or Jess if reading this is it ok to give boo CBT methods etc over this?
I'll second this hugs from all here talk whenever you need too.