As some of you will know, the woman I adored and trusted for many years left me for another man some months ago. We live in a small community and cannot avoid each other so despite the intense pain and self doubt I have been nothing but supportive and respectful of her new life, she asked me to have no contact with her so I have done my best despite her walking past my house as many as three times in one day.
However she had cause to bump into to my son, who has known her all his life and who grew up in a home with her and viewed her as family. She ignored him, which has left him hurt and confused even though I had said it might happen.
Why would someone do that? She can't wish us out of existence and I have done nothing to give her a reason to hurt me or him any more than she has already.
Aww Noon that is harsh of her as its not your sons fault at the end of the day she could at least say Hi its cruel messing with children head. (hugs) x
Thats totally out of order blanking you is one thing but your sons is total wrong in my eyes. He hasnt done anything to deserve that if it was me id say something to her about it
If you think about it, saying 'hello' to someone is more loaded than you might think..... there's more to it than just being polite and friendly.
The obvious reason why she would ignore your son is that she feels a guilty about what's happened, and doesn't want the discomfort of having to meet his eyes. Perhaps also, she doesn't want to encourage friendliness between them......with the risk that he will take it as an opportunity to challenge her about the way she treated you. Saying 'Hi' could also have resulted in him turning his back and ignoring her, making her feel even worse than already she does about herself.
I wouldn't be too hard on her. She wasn't intending to make your son feel rejected. She was just trying to protect herself.
But, my sympathies, Noon. A very unpleasant situation you find yourself in. As you know, the best way to break up is to do it very gently, do everything you can not to hurt your partner, and to keep the relationship going, but just as friends. Sadly that's not always possible.
hugs noon, horrible situation, hope your son is old enough to realise whats going on else this could damage him when he gets older as kids keep things stored in there heads for years
I suppose something like this helps you get over a person in a perverse sort of way, by increasing your anger etc towards her as a result of it. Your son didn't deserve that, however, it's happened, it can't be changed, so better to just deal with the outcome as opposed to wasting time and emotion trying to understand why. None of us can possibly know that, we're not her, and in break-ups as I have found, there is no 'normal', there just is....
She probably did it to protect herself as Lifebouy said, to help her move on or avoid her confronting the reality of her actions, however this doesn't make her a bad person necessarily, people just deal with break-ups differently. Obviously for her cutting all contact is what she wanted, which is unfortunate when you live in a small place, but use it to help you rebuild another piece of you in getting over her. Probably the harsh reality is she does wish you out of existence in order for her to remove the guilt she feels over the way she treated you, it's far easier to feel better about your actions when you can't see the victim of them...
LB, I am not being hard on her at all - have not been at any stage. I know she needs to protect herself, but posted on here in the hope that someone could help me understand why she was prepared to hurt my son. He is ten and she has been at eight of his birthdays, it was hard for him to be treated like none of that happened.
As for anger MTC; I have no anger. I wish I did, it would help I am sure.
Sometimes the anger can take a while to come, sometimes it doesn't come at all. That's why there is no 'normal'...
Just reassure your son and focus on him, not trying to second guess her actions. The reality is even people who think we know inside and out can behave like complete aliens to us after relationship breakdowns, well certainly for me anyway, and some people can be more cruel than you think is possible, unfortunately. Just try to explain it to him as best you can.
She is feeling guilty. She will also be looking out for only herself now.
Anyway, very sorry to hear about your situation. As everyone else will say, it does get better but it can take quite a bit of time. Just try and be around people that you know and like while you are feeling down.
Noon, from what you've posted in the forums here, you've been so bloody nice to her and understanding that I'm wondering if you're not trolling. I mean, how many people are this continually kind in return for being treated so abysmally?
How about telling your son (and yourself) that what she did wasn't acceptable, but people often do things they shouldn't. Sometimes all you can do is recognize this and move on. You can't control what she does, only how you respond.
I reassured him lots, he was ok about it. Confused, as I think we all would be.
As for being a troll, not likely! Look back at my posts and you will see that I am who I say I am. A genuinne guy who was lucky enough to be with the one true love of his life a a good few years.
I am not, but it is hard for my son to accept that someone who planned most of his birthdays and who was there when he had a cold or skinned his elbow is now suddenly giving the impression they are unaware of who he is.
Yes, she has to look after herself and is probably feeling mixed emotions. But she knew this would happen and making him feel bad is a very poor choice in my view. She might be trying to protect her own feelings, but ultimately she is going to feel awful for being that way with him?
She may not feel awful, she may not even have given it a second thought, she may well be beating herself, but the relevant point here is, we don't know and never will, so it shouldn't be any concern of yours any longer, splitting up means that has to stop regardless of how long you were together or your remaining feelings, I know that's hard (I've been there) but you have to do it. There is no point whatsoever wasting energy, time and emotions speculating on her feelings or perceptions, it is just pointless. Focus on you and him, stop trying to think why or how something that was completely out of your control happened.
All you can do is deal with how that behaviour has or hasn't affected your son, nothing else... equally you should be careful not to convey your feelings about it on to him but to let him have his own, at 10, he is more than capable of that.
Focus on your future not on your past, easier said than done I know, but for your own sanity, you have to. You can do it :)
