How to embrace dominant side

My OH likes it when I take control and likes me being dominant. I love being in control but we don’t do too much of this, I think for myself it’s more nerves getting in the way as I don’t want to take it too far and in my normal day to day life I am very timid and not ‘dominant’ at all. Does anyone have any advice or tips to give me at all? Much appreciated


Perhaps you could consider role play? Then it’s not you having to be dominant but the character you are playing?

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It is hard to tell from your post: do you mean being dominant in a BDSM way? If you do, I’m sure lots of members will be along to make suggestions.

Or do you mean taking the initiative in the bedroom and being the one who leads the way? If you can clarify, forum members will be able to advise.

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Probably in a more light bdsm way, i am always the one who imitates sex and takes control of the situation so we are happy in that regard but I want to take it a step further. We have loads of toys and a couple restraints but I do want to dip my toes into bdsm

I’d suggest open communication about it! Ask her what it is she likes, how she likes it, when and where. Have sessions where you do the things she enjoys, with her guiding you through it. Discuss boundaries for the both of you, and introduce a safe word that will stop play immediately. Experiment and enjoy yourselves, but be open, honest and comfortable.


Sounds like sterling advice! Thank you, I’m sure it will come up in conversation

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Communication is key for starters, it helps establish limits on what people are ok with it and not ok with. If you don’t have one already i’d suggest a safe word which will also help keep it from going too far. You can use 2 if you’re really worried, one for like he slow down or less of that and one for completely stop.

Biggest advice I give is there is nothing wrong with liking being dominate or into BDSM as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.

My boyfriend and I are switches and into bdsm, we always discuss things especially if one of us wants to try something new cause even if you’re the dom and in control you’re still being given that control.

Last tip being new set up rewards and punishments that way during you can be like oh ok she wants blank. For example one we did the other night when I was dom was no touching himself or my boobs. Breaking that rule results in punishments in the case of the other night gag and spanking, that sort of thing.


Thank you for the advice! Will 100% take it on board and speak to her about it all. I really appreciate it

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As others have said, communication is key. Talking through what you both want to try and if there are things either of you aren’t comfortable with. You need to be as comfortable and enthusiastic about what you are doing as much as your partner does. Also don’t forget to have conversations after you’ve tried something. (Maybe not straight after though, give yourselves time to come out of the post sexy time happy glow)

I would say to not do too much at once. It is really easy once the conversation starts to get excited and carried away with all the new possibilities but try to limit them to 1 or 2 new things at a time.

Also, it is normal that you might try something and it doesn’t work/feel right/go as planned. If you find this, don’t be put off. If you are both ok to continue, switch back to something more tried and tested. Talk about what went wrong later, it might be that you can tweak it and try again another time or it might just be not for you and that’s ok.


Hi hope you are well
When we started with play we had a good chat about what we would each like and this went on a bit :crazy_face: so we thought it was quicker to talk about what we didnt like. This meant that as and when we play we know we’re we are heading.
Also don’t forget your safe word, it’s better than saying stop as this could ruin the moment.
Hope this helps and enjoy each other.
Stay happy and horny xx

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Communication is always key for before hand. My favourite way to see what tickles her Pickle as it were is to rub her while whispering in her ear, she will soon let you know what gets her going and what doesn’t. And in the moment, I always say fake it till you make with regard to confidence. Once you get good at playing the role of the confident dominant, the dominance should start to flow naturally!

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Hi @Mrinconspicuous94,

There was a thread on this a while back: How to dominate?

hopefully it should be helpful.


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I find that with a lot of partners I’ve been in who want to explore it, the best way they can get into dominance is by starting off with more powerbottom kind of stuff, leading from the bottom, being assertive and bossy until you’re comfortable telling somebody what to do while still having somebody do most of the work for you. It’s a lot easier to get confident telling somebody to top you than it is to get confident telling somebody to let you top them. One only relies you to initiate with dominance, the latter makes you prolong it. Generally speaking, tasks that you can initiate but then don’t have to continue being dominant in until they’re completed are a great way to start.


Thank you all for your advice! I’ll keep this updated to let you all know how it goes and hopefully this thread can help others in my situation


Talking through what you both like and want is key, as others have said.

That’ll help you build your confidence to explore and enjoy. You might want to try blindfolds, might take the pressure off you if you don’t feel like you’re being watched.

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