I just dont understand, help :(

Off-Topic Chat
1

My OH keeps talking to other girls and offering to take them places or finding excuses to go round their house and it's worrying me :(

We recently had a rough patch where we broke up for something silly like 2 or 3 days but we're back together and I thought things were going great but then I see him tapping away on his phone constantly and he's acting shifty like he doesn't want me to see and then quickly deleting parts of the conversation :/

I don't mind him talking to other girls or hanging out with them (even though I'm not aloud to hang out with other guys) I just don't understand why he's so dishonest and shifty about it. He told me he was going to town once but he was at a girls house over the road! He was picking something up (apparently) but if it was all innocent and that's the case then why did he lie about it?

Sorry for rambling, I'm panicking. It's like a 6 year relationship is just crumbling around me :(

2

Imo it sounds like there is something fundamentally imbalanced in this relationship.
6 years or not - do you always want to be second choice?

3

He can spend time with/chat to other girls, but you aren't allowed to do similar with blokes? This sounds a bit messed up.

Obviously the advice is to try and talk, it always is, but this is fundamentally wrong.

Don't let him take the puss, don't lose your self respect. 6 years is a long time, but it sounds wrong and you can and should expect better.

Best of luck.

4

I try to talk to him about it but he lies so much it's hard to know what to believe. I really don't know what to do.

5

I can only agree with the other guys opinions, your whole relationship doesn't seem very balanced everything is tipped in his favour. 6 years is a long time but a lifetime in the wrong relationship is a hell of a lot longer.....

6

IMO - A relastionship is based on trust, you're already not trusting him; you say he lies and you're not sure what to believe.

You both need to talk, you need to tell him what you want and expect from the relationship. Myself personally if I couldn't trust my partner I wouldn't be with him.

And you're 'not allowed' to talk to/ hang out with guys? That is beyond a joke. I'd be telling him he either plays by his own 'rules' or don't try and hold you to any. If my OH told me I couldn't talk to other guys or hang out with them he would be given his marching orders.

7

I agree with FA, a relationship is based on trust. You really do need to have an honest conversation with him and find out what is happening and get some answers. You really can't carry on like this anymore, it's not healthy for either of you xx

8

Well I'm sorry to say 6 years or not something is not right you've already said he lies to you . Without honesty any relationship is always going to be almost impossible to keep together.
yes in their past I have lied to my little lady but only to cover for suprisess for her . I wouldn't dream of doing it for any other reason. I think you need to talk this through until you have an outcome whether it be good or bad . But to carry on as you are will only ware you down and could spiral out of control . Causing major issues for you in the future .

9

At best, he's totally taking the piss and it needs to stop.

At best.

Personally, I'd have his bags packed the next time he comes back from 'town', but you might want to give him a chance to explain. I hope it works out for you.

10

Thanks everyone, I guess I'll just have to have another serious talk with him and see what happens.

11

Cupcakes4 wrote:

I try to talk to him about it but he lies so much it's hard to know what to believe. I really don't know what to do.

I was in a relationship like this a few years ago, and I had to leave. I couldn't believe a word he said. I wouldn't put up with that crap now because I am a stronger person now than I was back then.

He is completely disrespecting you by lying all the time. If you try to talk to him and he still lies, then you have 2 choices as I see it.

You can stay and put up with all the lies and hurt caused by it or you can hold your head up high and leave without looking back.

Good luck x

12

Hi Cupcakes4

Firstly I feel for you - I really really do. Having just come out of a 4 year relationship for similar reasons, I am still left here asking myself 'I just dont understand' and the truth is I never will, in time I will realise that its importance will dwell into insignificance and she just wasnt worth the heart ache and effort if she can treat me this way and then go on to lie about it blatantly to my face and pretend everything is ok. do I really want a liar and a cheat who disrspects me so much to raise my children?

Anyway, rant over - albeit I think a relevant rant with some questions to ask yourself too.

You know he is lying and seems to make no great attempt to be hiding it.

This doubt in your mind will consume your everyday life to a point where your mind is solely on this and nothing else.

No one deserves to be treated in such a way when they are trying to be honest and build a relationship.

He isnt punishing you for a crime, he is simply abusing your trust and the abusing the 6 years you have built up and abusing your good nature for his own short lived fantasy gain.

Sorry I am being harsh, but it is the only way to deliver this sort of answer.

I really really hope for your sake now and for your future you are able to shake him off, and realise you should not be treated like a door mat to be walked over and emotionally abused.

13

A lot of double standards I the relationship.

From my experience, both in my own relationships and friends.... When a guy doesn't want you being around other men it's usually because he thinks your gojng to get up to something..... Because he knows he would do something like that.

Not saying he's definitely cheating but he's acting like someone who is hiding something.

Once trust is gone in a relationship there really is no relationship left.

My husband and I know each other's password to phones and emails and am can read each other's messages. We have nothing to hide. If he started deleting stuff I would know he was up to something

14

Maybe he's had enough of me because I'm ill so he has to do a lot to help. Or maybe he's getting revenge because I was apparently being too nice to my only male friend who lives 4 hours away lol.

I have no idea, I'll talk to him later when we are alone, I think I need to or it'll drive me crazy.

15

Cupcakes4 wrote:

Maybe he's had enough of me because I'm ill so he has to do a lot to help. Or maybe he's getting revenge because I was apparently being too nice to my only male friend who lives 4 hours away lol.

Do NOT take that rubbish on yourself. Do NOT.

Does he ever say anything like that to you?

16

No he doesn't but I can't help but wonder. It can't be nice living with someone who one day is ok and the next can't hardly get out of bed, especially since I was perfectly well when we were first together.

17

blonde vixen13 wrote:

A lot of double standards I the relationship.

From my experience, both in my own relationships and friends.... When a guy doesn't want you being around other men it's usually because he thinks your gojng to get up to something..... Because he knows he would do something like that.

Not saying he's definitely cheating but he's acting like someone who is hiding something.

Once trust is gone in a relationship there really is no relationship left.

My husband and I know each other's password to phones and emails and am can read each other's messages. We have nothing to hide. If he started deleting stuff I would know he was up to something

Exactly what I was going to say. Back when I was younger, I was in a relationship with a guy who didn't like me having male friends. Funnily enough he had lots of female friends but that was okay because they were "work mates".....He slept with about 3 or 4 of them (that I found out about. Could have well been more)

Seems to me that people who "don't like" there partner hanging around with members of the opposite sex (or same sex, if homosexual) usually don't like it because they can see all the possibilities. Possibilites they would get up to in the same circumstances and that's why it scares them.

Anyway, there are a number of serious red flags here. The lying, deleting messages, acting sneaky. To answer your question "why is he being so dishonest/sneaky about it" I would say "Somethings going on". It really is that simple. If he was JUST friends with them. Genuinely and with no interest in sleeping with them/flirting with them etc, then he would not be sneaking off to meet them, lying about it, acting shifty and deleting texts. Instead he would be saying "Hey, I am off to visit XYZ, wanna come with me" or similar.

There is no smoke without fire imo. The ONLY reason someone would feel the need to hide things from their partner and lie (in a situation like yours) is if they know that whatever they were doing would upset their partner. (Like flirting, cheating etc)

Personally I wouldn't put up with the lying/sneaking around. Even if he hasn't done anything with another person yet, it seems like he is heading that way. I mean, he is testing what you will put up with and so far he knows he can get away with secret relationships (of whatever description) with other women. I mean, that is basically what he is doing. Deleting conversations so they remain secret and sneaking off and lying about where he is. He is learning that he CAN sneak around. What's the next step?

18

I couldn't be in a relationship like this ![](upload://f8zGclFeQx35HwZLqJ7J1rFzQ0n.gif)

hope you get it sorted xx

19

Hi Cupcakes4

I agree with all that has been said above. You should definitely speak with him and ask him everything that is on your mind. In a relationship with someone you have the right to be able to ask them anything or at least should be able to! Especially as you have been together for 6 years it seems a waste to throw it all away without talking first!

You mention you are ill, I''m sorry to hear this. He should support you and help care for you because he loves you not be out with other girls! Please don't blame yourself or your illness for his actions.

You are worth so much more.

C x

20

It sounds a really sticky situation. after 6 years you would start to depend on eachother and just get used to it. to be honest it sounds to me like maybe he did something during your 2-3 day break, that he regretts and doesnt want you to know about. then on the other hand, hes continuing the 'single-ton like behaviour' talking to other girls going round their house and lying about it. maybe he had a taste of the single life and doesnt know what he wants, hence why hes lying about it.

either he doesnt know what he wants, or he wants his cake and eat it?

either way i agree with everyone else, you shouldnt have to put up with is so a long chat is probably need.

Good luck :)