1st time, posting a message, excepct for the one asking how to start a new thread!!
one question, how do i help improve my sexless marriage?.
i'm young - ish, 27 and married since april just gone, i've been with the same girl for 8 years this christmas, however in the last couple years the sex has reduced to once a month. we get on well, but for some reason the spark in the bedroom has gone.
I've bought lots of stuff through LH to spice it all up a bit, but that doesn't seemed to have worked. I'll mentioned it and talk about it and then it'll all be ok for a night or two, then it'll be back to normal. I'd be up for it most nights.
Having read a few posts were women on this site talk about how many times a week or a night they 'do it', made me think is it just my wife, me, or are some people not writing the truth and the average is once a month, and i'm just in a normal relationship!!
I've thought about marriage guidance etc, swinging parties, dogging, affairs, but cant bring myself round to much more than thinking about doing it!
Sorry but I'm confused. If you are having sex once a month, then it's not a "sexless marriage" is it? You say that "for some reason" the spark has gone. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself why.
Are you, either or both, working more or under stress at work or in your lives? Are you both well (I know that's not a barrier to sex - lots of people on here have health issues)? You don't say if you have kids - or other family issues? You just might be tired.
I'm concerned that you mention things like swinging parties, dogging and affairs. Whoa fella - that's a big leap! And to get the best from these, you need to be coming from a solid foundation.
As Nexas says, talking is your first priority. Put your sex toys away and begin a dialogue, with outside help if needs be. Wishing you the best of luck and happiness to come.
one question, how do i help improve my sexless marriage?. [...] in the last couple years the sex has reduced to once a month. we get on well, but for some reason the spark in the bedroom has gone.
I've bought lots of stuff through LH to spice it all up a bit, but that doesn't seemed to have worked. I'll mentioned it and talk about it and then it'll all be ok for a night or two, then it'll be back to normal. I'd be up for it most nights. [...] I've thought about marriage guidance etc, swinging parties, dogging, affairs, but cant bring myself round to much more than thinking about doing it!
Any help please?
Hello dermo69 and welcome to the forums. :)
In my experience, sexual difficulties tend not to be the actual problems, but symptoms of underlying problems.
You can treat the symptoms and that can help for awhile. From your post though, I see that you have already discovered that the symptoms are likely to keep recurring as long as the root problem remains. In my experience, if you resolve the problem, the symptoms will have nothing to cause them, so they vanish. Sometimes there can be more than one problem, all resulting in similar sexual symptoms.
I agree with Nexas, if continued talking and discussion with your partner hasn't been effective for either of you, then perhaps relationship and/or individual counselling might be helpful. From your description, this sounds like a long-standing problem, so you might well need help resolving it. And lots of people need help with relationship stuff because relationships can be difficult sometimes, for all of us. Counselling can be incredibly helpful in these situations, and you can seek it out at any time, even if the problem isn't too serious. I mean, you don't only go to the doctor when you're dying, right? :)
I hope you are able to get the help you need and everything works out as you both want it to.
Don't even think about what other people have written about how often they have sex! What matters is your individual relationship. If you and your wife are both satisfied then once a month is perfectly healthy and normal for you!
However if one of you isn't satisfied in some way then you need to figure out what to do.
First I'd say, talk to your wife, ask her why she doesn't want it as often as you....does she just have a lower sex drive, or is exhaustion, stress or something else having an effect on her?
If it's the lower sex drive then I would say encourage her to "be involved" in your solo fun, just thinking about sex more often might make her sex drive go up a bit - I know for me, chatting away on here makes me hornier just because it reminds me how much I enjoy sex (those after sex hormones that make you all sleepy after also seem to wipe your memory a bit! Well they do for me and my OH anyway). Women's brains do work a little different to men generally. Usually they are a little less visual and need a few more prompts to get into the right frame of mind (of course there are loads of exceptions but just something to bear in mind).
If it's stress or exhaustion then try and make her feel less stressed or tired. Not all sex is directly sex based (if that makes sense!) a nice massage will help her relax. Giving her some good oral through the week will get her in the right frame of mind for mind blowing sex at the weekend when she has more energy. If something is consistantly making her stressed, see what you can do to help her bring her stress levels down!
Of course she could have a problem with the relationship that she's just to scared to talk about. Maybe she's scared because she feels a little bored and she's worried telling you might hurt you! In actual fact, getting "bored" of a partner is usually pretty normal, because having a routine, day in day out can make you both a little lazy and you just need to put the effort into "wooing" each other again. Day to day life can make relationships harder and if she has this problem, she might put it down to you or her when in actual fact it's just the daily grind getting her down!
It could be a number of other things of course, and without talking to her you just won't know so my advice would be to sit down with her, somewhere comfy, no stress, no obligations to deal with, no distractions, no sex related things and just talk about why. Try and figure out what she's feeling....maybe even sit down, tell her your concers, ask her if she knows why, then give her a few days to think it through before you discuss it again. Ask her to write it down rather than say it so she can process her worries without fear of upsetting you.
Once you have a better understanding, come back on here and ask again, people will have more tips if they know specifically what the problem is
You've said the sex has declined in the last two years, suggesting you used to have more. I'd say your starting point would be to think what else might have changed in that time? You also mention having thought about marriage guidance but you haven't actually mentioned talking to your wife!!! My OH and I might be at it like rabbits but we talk and it's the communication that's really key to a good sex life. You say you've brought her stuff from Love Honey which is always nice but why not get her to make her own wishlist or make one together so she can get some things that turn her on?!
As for the extra martial sex I'd seriously recommend giving that a wide berth till you get your relationship back on track. If your sex life is rocky the last thing you want to do is start introducing potential minefields like swinging which only work in very secure, open and honest relationships.
To reassure you a bit: I think it's pretty normal to have slightly less sex later on in a relationship as you get more comfortable around each other. On the other hand I think it's probably quite easy to go beyond comfortable and just stop making the effort and let life and other responsibilities get in the way. I reitterate my point about communication...if you're wanting more sex there's every chance that she might be too...if you don't ask you'll never know!
My mistake, you have mentioned talking to your wife! It's a bit late and I'm a sleepy-head, I appologise! If you really have tried everything to get the communication channels open between you I'd say counselling was a very wise next step
Oh and can I just add - I think it's great that you wrote you have considered counselling of some kind. It's good that you are willing to put the extra effort into making your relationship work and it really should be something you consider if you can't figure out your next move!