Bit of a rant but sex related so I thought I'd post it here and get some of your responses.
So basically, today my partner stopped having sex during the foreplay because while he was performing oral sex/fingering me I wasn't lubricating as much as normal. Now, he jumped to the conclusion that my body essentially rejecting him and that I just must not have been that into sex. I have a couple of problems with this so bear with me.
Firstly, he had affirmative consent from me that I wanted to have sex. You know, I said 'I want to have sex with you' and he apparently thought I must have not been telling the truth. Now, it feels quite disrespectful to me that he doesn't feel that I'm being honest about what I want sexually. If I said 'no' would he just assume that I was being coy? I certainly hope not.
Also, why don't we ever talk about women's sexual anxiety? I mean, I can't begin to tell you the number of adds for viagra that I've seen growing up and the number of times I've been told to be gentle with a man when he has difficulty maintaining an erection for whatever reason. Why isn't this courtesy extended to women? Frustrating as anything and very isolating for a woman who might not be lubricating and 'performing' to her usual standard. That's what lube is for!
I know he was trying to be the good guy in a lot of ways, but this is just too much and I find it quite offensive and it gets my feminist muscle twitching. I know he wanted sex as a) he initiated and b) he was upset when my body wasn't reacting the way he wanted. If he'd respected me enough to listen and actually think that I wouldn't lie or not know my own feelings and desires, this could have been avoided. No means no but also, yes means yes and he shouldn't get frustrated with my body for not responding perfectly every time, whatever that means. And is the use of lube such a threat to a man's ego? Is it just me?
It's not just you my love. My husband used to get a bit frustrated if I wasn't wet. He said he would feel like he wasn't turning me on.
We had a good chat about it. I brought up if we didn't need lube no one would make it, we'd still be using either KY or petroleum jelly. There wouldn't be these weird and wonderful sensation lubes.
The same goes for him, sometimes he needs a little helping hand to get ready for action. Even if he wants sex sometimes he's just not as his peak so to speak.
He finally got over himself. We bought the cupcake warming lube so we are both happy.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it though. I just feel like men aren't actually sensitive to women's insecurities while we tip toe around them. Glad to know I'm not alone!
Rosy, how did you get him to chill out about it? Just lots of arguments or something more specific?
Have you told him what you said on here about women being hyper careful when men experience erectil dysfonction and that it is basically the same and that you would expect him to be understanding?
Have you told him what you said on here about women being hyper careful when men experience erectil dysfonction and that it is basically the same and that you would expect him to be understanding?
Oh yes. He basically said I'm being overly sensitive and that as a feminist I politicize everything too much. Not a great response.
Pretty much Bex! He is a kind hearted soul but at the same time he is a testosterone filled bloke. Having to tell him "look I'm not punishing myself by not having sex here so either you get the lube or I will".
Pretty much Bex! He is a kind hearted soul but at the same time he is a testosterone filled bloke. Having to tell him "look I'm not punishing myself by not having sex here so either you get the lube or I will".
Stay strong sister! They need a Rosie the Riveter emoji for moments like that.
Right. Well, I'm just going to have to go through some awkward arguments then.
I'd let some time pass before talking about it again. I feel that he's feeling's been hurt because he doesn't understand that it's not about him and it's not a performance thing to "be able to make a woman yet" and he probably thinks that if he doesn't then you don't find him attractive anymore, or he is not a good lover, or you are not turned on by him anymore, etc. Let that pass and talk to him after a while so he's not into that mindset
I'd let some time pass before talking about it again. I feel that he's feeling's been hurt because he doesn't understand that it's not about him and it's not a performance thing to "be able to make a woman yet" and he probably thinks that if he doesn't then you don't find him attractive anymore, or he is not a good lover, or you are not turned on by him anymore, etc. Let that pass and talk to him after a while so he's not into that mindset
Agreed. But I'm still on the educate-men-about-women's-bodies bandwagon.
I'd let some time pass before talking about it again. I feel that he's feeling's been hurt because he doesn't understand that it's not about him and it's not a performance thing to "be able to make a woman yet" and he probably thinks that if he doesn't then you don't find him attractive anymore, or he is not a good lover, or you are not turned on by him anymore, etc. Let that pass and talk to him after a while so he's not into that mindset
Agreed. But I'm still on the educate-men-about-women's-bodies bandwagon.
I'd let some time pass before talking about it again. I feel that he's feeling's been hurt because he doesn't understand that it's not about him and it's not a performance thing to "be able to make a woman yet" and he probably thinks that if he doesn't then you don't find him attractive anymore, or he is not a good lover, or you are not turned on by him anymore, etc. Let that pass and talk to him after a while so he's not into that mindset
Agreed. But I'm still on the educate-men-about-women's-bodies bandwagon.
by talking to him I mostly meant educating him :P
I know sweets. I meant get 'em while they're young.x
Hi, well this is a new one on me. My oh has occasionally not been so wet as other times but hell i just used it as a good excuse to get the massage oil out but i certainly didnt make a big deal about it.
You are right though, it is the 'politically correct' thing to do to pander to a guy if he cant get it up (not saying thats wrong) yet most men, and up to now i am one of them-sorry, never gave a thought to what the female equivalent is.
Funny how different people take things. My oh once asked if I was going off her as i was taking longer to orgasm than i used to!
And just to answer earlier question, for this guy lube is no threat, its a friend for sure!
Hi, well this is a new one on me. My oh has occasionally not been so wet as other times but hell i just used it as a good excuse to get the massage oil out but i certainly didnt make a big deal about it.
You are right though, it is the 'politically correct' thing to do to pander to a guy if he cant get it up (not saying thats wrong) yet most men, and up to now i am one of them-sorry, never gave a thought to what the female equivalent is.
Funny how different people take things. My oh once asked if I was going off her as i was taking longer to orgasm than i used to!
And just to answer earlier question, for this guy lube is no threat, its a friend for sure!
Great to hear a man's response. Thanks for commenting.x
No problem bex1213. Just hope you get this sorted and he realises he should be tip toeing around you not the other way round, although i get the impression you most certainly will make sure he knows.
I don't know why, but it always seems like there is more pressure on women when it comes to sex and pleasing the guy in some way. Even though, your partner was trying to be a 'good guy' by trying to satisfy you, he made it all about himself when he didn't get the reaction he'd hoped for, and quite frankly, hurt you in the process. I am sorry about that.
I haven't had sex, nor do I really care to unless it was under the right circumstances. I can satisfy myself perfectly fine if I am bored and want orgasms to just experience something different, but I don't really have the urge to sleep with someone else. Especially not with immature, horny guys my age who are only after sex. Some guy (who was supposedly a friend) was offended that I didn't get wet by him talking dirty to me. That there was something wrong with me for not having the urge to have sex with him. He made me feel bad about myself for a bit, but I have nothing to feel guilty about.
Anyway, it shouldn't matter what the person's gender, sexual orientation and etc are. I believe any sexual partner should be understanding when it comes to personal matters such as this. There is no need for people to take it so personally, and get their ego's hurt. Men are probably more guilty of that than women, but no one should be made to feel bad about themselves. Especially over something they have little control over. It's crap like this that puts me off having sex, added to the numerous other reasons why it's not worth the hassle for me personally as it currently stands.
Your partner should respect what you say by not accusing you of lying, and acting like he knows your body and urges better than you do. I agree with your frustrations. Becoming wet/lubrication is simply a biological response (or lack thereof in your case according to your partner's standards, which may I add, is something, you shouldn't have to apologise for), but some people make a big deal out of it because they are sensitive and insecure about their "performance" skills. I don't see how he thinks making things awkward like that with you is going to help matters in the bedroom. I hope you can teach him to be empathetic towards you and women in general. All of this molly-coddling of men and their precious ego's is not doing anyone favours. This goes beyond sexual encounters, because a lot of men really need to gain a deeper insight about how their behaviour (e.g. (demanding/expecting women to react in a way that pleases them etc.) can affect women in a negative manner.
Hi Im new to forums and don't know how to start a new thread so putting this here sorry if it hijacks yr thread. I've a serious problem with my sex life that's going to end my marrage if I can't fix it. My partner has a very high sex drive and I can't keep up. His idea of a good day is to literally spend 4-5hrs having sex, have a break then get back to it. We have a room dedicated to sex full of toys swing etc and I do enjoy the time we have in there but after 5hrs I'm tired and can't keep up with him. I know I'm lucky to have someone who is so sexual in my life and shouldn't be complaining but in his mind my lack of interest is killing our relationship. I've tried councillors but he found that a waste of time and money. I've no friends I can talk to about it so putting it out to strangers for help. How can I up my libido and prove to him I want to be with him?
Hi Bex. Again, from a man's perspective, I think the same sensitivity should be shown from both sides. I've had times when my erection was weak or I couldn't cum and the woman has just taken that as meaning I didn't really fancy her, while others have been sensitive and helped. From the other side I've been with women who obviously wanted sex but. for whatever reason, couldn't get wet enough. My answer was to leave off for a little and cuddle, then use lube if there was any to hand and, almost always, once i was able to get inside her, the natural juices would flow again. I really hope you can get your OH to be sensible and sensitive about this. XX
Hi Im new to forums and don't know how to start a new thread so putting this here sorry if it hijacks yr thread. I've a serious problem with my sex life that's going to end my marrage if I can't fix it. My partner has a very high sex drive and I can't keep up. His idea of a good day is to literally spend 4-5hrs having sex, have a break then get back to it. We have a room dedicated to sex full of toys swing etc and I do enjoy the time we have in there but after 5hrs I'm tired and can't keep up with him. I know I'm lucky to have someone who is so sexual in my life and shouldn't be complaining but in his mind my lack of interest is killing our relationship. I've tried councillors but he found that a waste of time and money. I've no friends I can talk to about it so putting it out to strangers for help. How can I up my libido and prove to him I want to be with him?
Click on Sex tips and talk and scroll down to the bottom where it says "start a new thread" fill in the title and copy and paste your thread chick, you will get a much better response and it sounds like you need it as I don't personally think there is anything wrong with your libido, what your husband is expecting is a live in porn star! I'm pretty highly sexed myself but you get sore after so much and you have other things to do! I personally think he's lucky to have you xxx
Bit of a rant but sex related so I thought I'd post it here and get some of your responses.
So basically, today my partner stopped having sex during the foreplay because while he was performing oral sex/fingering me I wasn't lubricating as much as normal. Now, he jumped to the conclusion that my body essentially rejecting him and that I just must not have been that into sex. I have a couple of problems with this so bear with me.
Firstly, he had affirmative consent from me that I wanted to have sex. You know, I said 'I want to have sex with you' and he apparently thought I must have not been telling the truth. Now, it feels quite disrespectful to me that he doesn't feel that I'm being honest about what I want sexually. If I said 'no' would he just assume that I was being coy? I certainly hope not.
Also, why don't we ever talk about women's sexual anxiety? I mean, I can't begin to tell you the number of adds for viagra that I've seen growing up and the number of times I've been told to be gentle with a man when he has difficulty maintaining an erection for whatever reason. Why isn't this courtesy extended to women? Frustrating as anything and very isolating for a woman who might not be lubricating and 'performing' to her usual standard. That's what lube is for!
I know he was trying to be the good guy in a lot of ways, but this is just too much and I find it quite offensive and it gets my feminist muscle twitching. I know he wanted sex as a) he initiated and b) he was upset when my body wasn't reacting the way he wanted. If he'd respected me enough to listen and actually think that I wouldn't lie or not know my own feelings and desires, this could have been avoided. No means no but also, yes means yes and he shouldn't get frustrated with my body for not responding perfectly every time, whatever that means. And is the use of lube such a threat to a man's ego? Is it just me?
My view on this is perhaps slightly different and I hope not to offend the guys on here becasue the few guys that are on here are exceptions .
In a nutshell some men fail to understand the workings of a female body and when things don't go right they chuck their toys out of the pram .Many of these guys don't want to learn about their partners body and just think pressing a button is all that is needed. I think some guys have selfishg tendencies and just after their own fulfillment rather than share with their partner
Most ladies on the other hand are prepared to do the necessary research and ask questions on men related problems like ED for example . They will then work with the problem and offer support to their fella to improve trhings.I find they are much keener to learn and understand which IMO makes them a much better lover .
There are one or 2 books out there for guys to read and I have read one it helps me to understand the workings of my partners body and has helped me to become a better lover and attend to my partners needs .