So our toy collection has grown quite substantially in the past 12 months. And I absolutely love it. However, I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night when I mentioned that I have a 10% birthday voucher to use for the next 2 weeks.
I showed him my wishlists that I have created, and he kept saying things like "ooh that looks scary" or "Hmmm.. that just looks really dirty". I am really confused as previously when I have bought toys (like strokers or sleeves), he's generally been OK about it.
But i've started to really enjoy anal play (previously, I was what I considered a 'top' and I found it more painful than enjoyable - but that's changed) and i've bought several glass dildos and prostate toys.
When the first 2 dildos arrived, he said that they looked awful, and that he certainly wouldn't be using them. I asked him 'why' (because we have had anal sex where I have penetrated him and vice versa) and he never complains... then he hastily changed the subject.
I then ordered some more, and again was met with the same "Oh well they are definitely for you" and today, I received my new tester product - and his first reaction was "Oh god, that looks terrifying".
So apparently, the only thing he likes is massage oils, candles and blindfolds. That's fine, but that's just way to vanilla for me. And it's just confusing, especially when he's been really open before (and it was a struggle to get that far) but now he seems to be closing up again. He says he prefers to watch me using them, and he says it's a real turn on, but then I feel selfish... I have a whole chest full of massage oils, massage candles, ticklers and all sorts... so he gets plenty of massages and use out of them, so i'm not neglecting him in anyway that I can think off...
So have I potentially scared him with my habit and desire for certain types of toys? Am I unreasonable that I feel free to purchase toys knowing only I will use them? Am I bad person?
90% of the toys in our collection are mainly for me. But that's because he gets please out of pleasuring me with them. He doesn't seem to be interested in me buying him toys x
90% of the toys in our collection are mainly for me. But that's because he gets please out of pleasuring me with them. He doesn't seem to be interested in me buying him toys x
Hi David, silly question but could it be something to do with the tester you had recently. Didn't he try it out too and have a bad experience as well? Maybe this has scared him a bit and put him off toys like that for a while and he is just too scared to admit how much it affected him . He may just need to start again slowly and build up again. xxx
I don't think you're being selfish, and you're definitely not a bad person at all! There shouldn't be any shame in buying things just for your use. While I share a lot of my toys with my girlfriend and she shares hers with me, we both view our ones as ours and I don't feel obliged to share them with her if I don't want to.
Obviously I don't know your husband but people can be fickle too, while he might have enjoyed some toys, some things might just not appeal to him for any particular reason or cross an imaginary line in his head - I haaaate 'realistic' looking toys (so, y'know, toys that look like a dick) but my girlfriend pointed out a few days ago that my favourite toy IS realistic looking. But it's multicoloured, so in my head it doesn't count as one. So a soft, squishy stroker might be okay but something with loads of bells and whistles might not be for whatever reason. One of my exes was really opposed to sex with strap-ons because she felt it simulated traditional heterosexual sex and was uncomfortable with that, but had no objections to me using insertable toys on her. People are funny.
Also seconding Scorpius about the Zini thing, that might be it maybe?
Hi David, silly question but could it be something to do with the tester you had recently. Didn't he try it out too and have a bad experience as well? Maybe this has scared him a bit and put him off toys like that for a while and he is just too scared to admit how much it affected him . He may just need to start again slowly and build up again. xxx
It was both! There was a tester and a toy I bought which I had to return. I guess I hadn't thought about that. I guess because it didn't put me off, I didn't think how it might have perhaps put him off... good call Scorpi. I'll talk to him about it tonight.
But yeah, I suppose on some level yes, everyone does have their own individual toys, but we've always had a very.. I dunno... equal standing in the bedroom, and we've always made it 50/50 when it comes to pleasure, but lately it's now more like 70/30 and I feel bad, because I now have a massive collection of toys that I will play with, and he won't for whatever reason... So I guess i'm worried that I now look selfish..
No, definitely not being selfish! Your husband says he enjoys watching you play with them as I know my other half does watching me. If he sees you enjoying them is he more likely to give it a go himself? And also, presumably he's happy to interact with your play? If he doesn't want to use the toys himself that is absolutely fine and you shouldn't pressure him but you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about having the toys yourself.
Hi David, silly question but could it be something to do with the tester you had recently. Didn't he try it out too and have a bad experience as well? Maybe this has scared him a bit and put him off toys like that for a while and he is just too scared to admit how much it affected him . He may just need to start again slowly and build up again. xxx
It was both! There was a tester and a toy I bought which I had to return. I guess I hadn't thought about that. I guess because it didn't put me off, I didn't think how it might have perhaps put him off... good call Scorpi. I'll talk to him about it tonight.
But yeah, I suppose on some level yes, everyone does have their own individual toys, but we've always had a very.. I dunno... equal standing in the bedroom, and we've always made it 50/50 when it comes to pleasure, but lately it's now more like 70/30 and I feel bad, because I now have a massive collection of toys that I will play with, and he won't for whatever reason... So I guess i'm worried that I now look selfish..
You are definitely not selfish David, and as you said, previously he has always joined in and played with the other toys. Definitely have a chat about it tonight Hun :) xxx
I would never pressure him into using them. The same way he would never pressure me into trying anything. We have utmost respect for each other in the bedroom, I just feel like he's missing out on something... and I just feel like I end up having way more fun than he does. But I guess if you don't think i'm being selfish, then i'll just keep playing and find some new and exciting ways to get him involved.
As always, you're all so very helpful and lovely. xx
You're definitely not a bad person. I know that I go through phases when I'm not feeling particularly adventurous or sexual, maybe he is just having some 'time out' so to speak.
Also, my partner has only just began to consider the idea of using toys on himself, so all of the sex toys in our house are actually for my use. He has previously preferred using them on me and watching them be used. So maybe he takes more pleasure from watching you.
Try not to worry, he will talk to you when the time is right if there is an issue :)
The vast, vast majority of toys in our house are for my use only, and I feel a little weird about it, but I think part of the issue is that I discovered sex toys (and sex) pretty recently, so for me it's all new and discovery and 'wow, so that feels interesting'.
My boyfriend on the other hand is at the 'why mess with a good thing' stage.
I'm slowly luring him in....
I think the other thing is that we both know we have single time, and couple time. Toys are a much bigger part of single time, and that's ok :)
He says he prefers to watch me using them, and he says it's a real turn on, but then I feel selfish... I have a whole chest full of massage oils, massage candles, ticklers and all sorts... so he gets plenty of massages and use out of them, so i'm not neglecting him in anyway that I can think off...
So have I potentially scared him with my habit and desire for certain types of toys? Am I unreasonable that I feel free to purchase toys knowing only I will use them? Am I bad person?
Am I just over-reacting?
I think you have to take him at his word. He says he likes to watch you using them, so carry on. He may open up to you, but if he wants it this way then just go with it, unless he says he has a problem
The majority of toys we have are for use on me and I buy them all myself. We tried stuff on him, but they just don't work for him. I accept that and do what I know he does like and he's happy with that.
I don't think you are selfish at all, in fact you seem very sensitive to his needs, but you need more than he does in the way of toys; and I would imagine he is ok with that too
Not selfish David . All the toys we own are for my wife and I get a kick out of using them on her. The dynamic in a gay relationship is different because your collection can be enjoyed by the both of you so I can understand your guilt when your the main user.
Is it just down to good old male insecurity? Are some of the toys of the larger variety and does your husband maybe feel a little inadequate?
I know some of the toys on lovehoney are pretty "frightening" and if my wife ordered one for herself a part of me would start to doubt my self. I think even think the most confident secure guy would on some level feel a bit insecure.