Last night, me and my boyfriend agreed that we should break up. He was my first boyfriend, we'd been together almost two years and never had a fight once. We broke up (I initiated it) because while I am a very social person, he is not. I felt he didn't understand or need social activity the same way as me. He was also not great at support, although he improved each time I mentioned it was a problem and has always done his best.
We ended on great terms but now I just feel so awful. I keep thinking how mature he is and how he has always listened to me and made me feel respected. I'm still in love with him and he still loves me and I keep thinking that maybe we should have tried harder to save it. I keep being sure it was the right thing but then I remember something he did or said and I'm right back to square one. I know this is normal after a breakup but I don't know how to tell whether this is just breakup feelings or if we should really try to figure it out. He told me during the breakup that he's not happy with how he is socially and he wants to improve but doesn't know how. I don't think he can change completely but now I keep thinking that my main issue was I thought he didn't care about social stuff and he clearly does.
Honestly, I'm just a mess right now so any messages of support or advice are greatly welcomed
Have you considered being friends for a while and spending time being more social as friends?? If things work out then great, go from there if not then you can atleast say you both tried and could remain friends.
Just want to say hope you are ok. Breaking up with someone you love deep down is hard. But remember there is reasons for it.
Maybe just have some time apart and see how things go. Your feelings for each other will not disappear quickly given the time you have been together so maybe time to assess the situation will help.
If you both still want to be together, Then maybe suggest meeting up, going out on "dates" again as that can also bring the spark back. Go out socially with each other, and see where it goes. We and my OH don't really go out "on the town" but the odd time we have we have had a great time socially and emotionally between us.
Have you spoken to him to see if he has any interest in trying again?
You're the only one who can decide if breaking up was a mistake or not, but I would say that it would be a mistake to expect him to change into a social butterfly in order to be with you. As alone4ever mentioned he could have social anxiety, which is crippling and if this is the case, it is in fact you who lacks the ability to give the support needed in a relationship as you've basically dumped him over a mental health condition.
I guess the question of trying again or leaving it be is do you really need him to be social in order to have your own social life? It seems like you could be social with others then come home and spend time with him doing things he is comfortable doing rather than trying to change him into someone he is not/he cannot be and still enjoy all the positives your relationship brought. Or, you could accept that you truly need someone as outgoing as you and accept this pain will pass.
It's a hard situation, but if you really feel you've made a mistake in breaking up my only suggestion would be talking to him while weighing up what you want more; your relationship with him and a more settled down life, or a bigger social life without him (but still having him as a friend). Neither is wrong, it's simply which you would prefer. He could improve socially, especially if he gets help and support, but it's unlikely he'll ever change so completely and it's unfair to expect him to. Just as it would be unfair of him to expect you to make as extreme a change and give up social activities altogether.
Hope you can sort your head out and feel less of a mess soon <3
I think perhaps you should leave it a little longer before you decide if you made the correct decision. Like others have said perhaps hang out as mates and see how that goes. I was in a similar situation once. Still loved him but knew because of differances in needs etc we had to split up. We both cried and it was difficult. Immediately I missed him and we stayed friends. Occasionally I would call him up late at night and he would come over - we would have sex or just cuddle but something always kept me from saying "lets get back together".
It was the right decision to stay apart. As the months past by it became clear to see.Many years on now, we are stiil really good friends because we were both honest with each other all the way through. Thats the importnt thing, be honest to yourself and to him. A breakup always takes time if you have been close. Its not immediate. Hearts need time to separate. Good luck and look after yourself while you are feeling sad - nights out with friends etc.
Thank you all. The issue with him and social situations isn't that he's shy or avoids them, but rather he becomes super loud and often obnoxious (which I know is due to nerves). This means he'll often say something inappropriate or he'll annoy someone which creates a tension that he isn't aware of but is incredibly stressful for me. I think an issue is that lately he has 'invaded' my other friendship group (we share the other one and have done from the start) which means that I have very little social time without him. My other friends are also less forgiving and not very fond of him at all.
I like the thought of spending time apart as friends and seeing what happens. That's basically our plan anyway. I guess I'm terrified that I'll decide I want him back and he won't feel the same, although I know if that happens then it wasn't meant to be. I know it's unfair to change him which is why we broke up really, because we both agreed there was nothing to do about it. I guess I'm just worried I gave him up because of friends I won't have in a few years time
Aw Hun, big hugs to you, it's never easy even you're the one to suggest it. I'm currently divorcing my husband of 20 years, been together 22years. The last time I was single I was 16, I'm 40 this year. I initiated the divorce and yes it's hard, but I know that it's right for me (and the kids) and I'll be so glad when it's all over.
Take things one day at a time and for goodness sake allow yourself to cry it out, it's the absolute best way of letting go. You feel so much better for a good bawl!
Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time right now. Everything you're feeling is totally normal like you said and it will take a while before you know if you've made the right decision. The only advice I can give you is to take some time to yourself right now and give yourself some breathing space. If you end up thinking you want to try again then you can, theres still time for that. You need some time to reconnect with yourself and talk to your close family/ friends around you. Eventually it will become clearer and you'll know what to do.