Love...

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi Guys...

This is a bit lame, but I thought I'd ask anyway. I split up with my first serious bf 6 months ago, and I was completely heartbroken. I loved him very much. Since then, I've found out a lot of stuff about his behaviour while we were together (cheating, lying etc) that's obviously really hurt me. I've reached breaking poin, and finally cut him out of my life completely. However, while I'm not in love with him anymore, I still care deeply about him, and was wondering what other people's experience of this is? Do you ever really stop loving people? How long does it take to stop feeling like this? It's getting me down a bit :-( Thanks guys

xx

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Hey, sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. Not sure there's a definitive answer on this, I reckon its probably an individual thing. In my experience people often said to me that time heals, and things get easier. It takes a lot of believing when all you can feel is a empty space in the pit of your soul, but to be honest, for me it was true. Time heals. Each day gets a little easier and all of a sudden its passed. Like seasons I guess. One day its winter and it goes on forever but then without realising it all of a sudden its summer and you're smiling away an endless sunny evening. When I split up with people who I truly loved, I never stopped loving them, I still love them, but you stop being in love. The loved one gradually faded out of my everyday life and became kind of stored in my emotional background. I still remember the good times, the happy times and the positive things. I accept it as part of what I was then and part of what I am now. I'm quite a creative person, so found art and music a good way to channel my energies in a positive way. Don't get me wrong, it hurts like the end of the world, but it didn't last forever. You'll find someone new to have new brilliant times with, but you'll always have the excellent times you had too :-)

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Juan makes very good points.

I still hope that my exes do well in life, and hope that they get their "happily ever after". It's ok to care about people but recognise that they're no good for you.

6 months isn't a long time - it hurts like hell, takes time to heal and I really feel for you. It does get easier, you just have to take it a day at a time and do little things that make you happy. If & when I had particularly bad days I found reading helped - immersing myself in another world gave me a welcome break from mine. I hope the pain begins to fade more quickly for you

CCW x

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I don't think it goes away, but you become more removed from it as time goes on, if that makes even a lick of sense.

I'd been very much in love with a guy, and it all went a bit wrong, but I was still left with that need for him while he happily moved on. It really messed with me, because I kept waiting to stop loving him, or stop feeling awful about it, and even a year later it was no different. It wasn't until a good year or so later that I actually stopped to think about it and realised that, even if he turned up on my doorstep and grovelled, I couldn't see myself going back to him. And in this case he'd done nothing wrong but fall out of love with me, so I was confused. But, thinking about it, I realised that I wasn't in love with him, but that the person I used to be was in love with the person he used to be: it had become almost an echo, a memory of a feeling and an inability to resolve that echo with the person I'd become. Even realising that didn't magically make it better, I was pretty broken for a while as I, without realising it, tried to force myself to get that feeling back with someone else. Eventually though I was able to let myself miss the way things were without it making me do crazy things.

I don't think you can ever "stop loving people", because you're not feeling anything for the sleaze who cheated and lied and left you, your feelings are for the guy you sat up hoping would call, or who surprised you when you thought he couldn't meet you, or had that silly pet name for you, or whatever hundred little things made being with him special. The biggest hurdle in getting over someone is to stop feeling guilty for not being over them and just let yourself miss them and what you've lost. The guy you know now is not the guy you cared for, and you are not the same as you were, either, so you probably don't actually love him in a current sense, but you will still love the him-that-was, and probably always will. Hopefully, you'll get a bit easier with it and be able to hold onto that echo of love as a happy memory instead of something to re-break your heart over every day.

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The lovely girls and guy make really valid points.

Personally though I know if i ever split from my Fiance i would feel like my life was over and this I could never get over. When you love someone deeply and believe that you are meant to be then i think this is most heartbreaking when something happens to end your relationship with that person. I think this is the person you will always care about and wish well in life and a part of you will always love that person.

On the other hand relationships where maybe you just knew that it wasn't going to end in a lasting marriage or any further commitment is more the one that with time you heal and will move on. Thats not to say at the time you didn't believe u were always going to be together but reflection is a wonderful thing and with time you will see that it just wasn't meant to be.

I think you've done the right thing - the easiest way to heal is to completely cut that person from your life which i think is the hardest thing! And then the feeling of "just one last txt" or "just one last call" will remain but u have no means of contacting them.

Hope this all made sense - just 1 last thing and an interesting factoid (geek i know) it takes a woman on average 1 month for every year she invested in a relationship to feel somewhat healed

xxx

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Agreed, cutting him out is the best thing to do. I've let things rumble on far too long in the past, hoping if I left a line of communication open it he might use it to come back, but oddly enough, the men I've wanted to free of and so cut off all communication, have been the ones to return.

The wound has to be scraped clean to heal properly, and no contact is the only way to do that and move on.

The only words of comfort I have is that most of us have been though this kind of pain, and it really is an illness that shadows and taints every part of life until it's laid to rest, but it will get better.

As mentioned already, reading is a really good idea, it uses up more of your brain so a better distration, and exercising releases the adrenaline. Your body can't tell if pain is physical or emotional, so releases adrenaline regardless, and so burning it off and releasing some exercise endorphins instead will make you feel better.

And going out with friends, and care for yourself, have long baths, buy shiny things (if you are skint, buy shiny things from Clare's) get your hair done.

I became determined that if I ever bumped into him in public I would be looking fab and having fun, not wandering down the biscuit aisle of the supermarket in my PJ bottoms, blowing my nose on a bit of kitchen roll.

That way I also got some attention from other men, and even if it's just a wink from a passer by, it makes you feel worthy and desirable, the very things that a cheating partner robs you of.

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Hi hun, yes you do grow out of this eventually, everybody does at different stages and paces. I had a relationship once where I left him as I didn't love him anymore, I still cared however, but he went a bit crazy and stalked me and would phone/text/turn up where I'd be, in the end I stopped caring. Didn't get heavy or agressive or anything but was still scary. Even to this day in my current relationship, I still sit down and think to myself every now and again do I love him and do I care about him? The answers are obviously yes to both but if it was no to love, I'd not stop caring about him, not for a long time even if we split mutual or not, unless obviously he cheated then although you can't turn your 'caring' feelings off, it does happen alot quicker. Just keep reminding yourself that he is a rat and you deserve more and alot better. Time will heal all, I hope you feel better soon. It's funny you mention this now as I have just had a friend phone me up in your similar situation.

rb

xx

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I've recently seperated from my Husband, having spent the best part of a decade with him.

Though towards the end I was starting to feel unloved, it was genuinely a shock for me when he phoned and said he wasn't ever coming home. At the time of this news, I was still in love with him, though he had obviously moved on some time earlier and was aware of his change in feelings before coming clean to me.

I went through the whole "what the hell am I gonna do? how will I ever get over this?"

I was fortunate enough to have some goof friends to help me through, wipe my tears and give me a cuddle.

The main change in my feeling came when I allowed myself to grieve for what we once had and stopped classing myself as a failure for the outcome of our marriage (blaming myself, wondering what I could've done differently etc). Once I realised that he was the failure for walking away without warning or much explaination, I felt I could pick myself up and try to get on with life.

I wear make up daily anyways, but on the days when I just wanted to hide in my PJ's, I made an extra effort to put on a nice outfit, buy myself some flowers and I've even taken myself out for several self-indulgent tearoom treats, because, to quote a ridiculously annoying advert "I'm worth it".

I don't and wouldn't suggest you go out trying to impress potential new partners, but more importantly, be the best that you can be for yourself.

Since this switch in perspective, I've had so many compliments, primarily about my personality and the fact that I am a much happier person to be around. So much so that I've actually begun to wonder if I really was happy with my Husband or whether I just thought I was happy...

Things have been really tough since my Husband left, my financial situation terrifies me, my lack of time now I have no one to help/be part of a marital team, and health wise. But despite all of that, I'm actually the happiest I've been for a very long time.

I even signed myself up to a dating agency online, all be it for friendship (and possibly more), yet a few months ago I didn't even know how I would get through the morning, let alone the rest of my life.

Don't be harsh on yourself for being affected by your breakup. But you must absolutely push yourself to look after yourself, emotionally and physically, and enjoy the opportunity to put yourself first.

All the best x

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^^^^^^^

Massive cuddles to you x x x

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Miss teach&nurse wrote:

^^^^^^^

Massive cuddles to you x x x

Thank you! x

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Oh Carousel, totally feel for you. My husband did a similar thing, after 16 years he left after meeting someone else, seems he'd been planning it for a while. I was in shock for ages.

I too was terrifed about money, but things have a way of working out, and like you I actually felt happier when the fog had cleared, and I've dated a couple interesting men I met online, so it's really possible to meet someone good.

Take care and good luck :)

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It can take years - 6 months is nothing, really. I think the key is to concentrate on yourself, building your own life and following your desires and interests.

Good luck. I hope it eases soon, but rest assured it will get better if you let it.

Mr Mr

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Hello,

it does take different time for everyone. I still care about my first boyfriend, although it is now as a sister, rather than his partner and lover. I have changed since then. But we did not split because of cheat etc, but because we both had completely different plans of what we want to do in our lives and we could never make it work. I got over it after about half a year and went on, focused on my university, although I still missed him sometimes, but not as much as in the beginnings. He needed a year, until he met his current girlfriend.

so the time does vary between people. half a year may be nothing.The key is not to forget, but to forgive what he did to you, take the good memories and go on with your life. meet your friends, focus on your school, do some hobby... whatever you want.also I found that writing him a letter helps to get my feelings out of me, but of course I never sent it to him, but it does get out my both mad feelings and love. I tend to be able to go on after that much easier, as I feel it is a close affair inside me.

I wish you best of luck. I know it hurts, loosing someone you loved, but trust me, you can deal with it and meet someone else.

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another interesting weird fact

Women get over a break up far quicker than men

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Thanks so much everyone. Reading this really helped :-) And Carousel, hope you're ding ok darling xx