I've been thinking recently about the ways we communicate (or not) during sex. When we talk to each other we can let our OH's know how we're feeling, what we like, and what we want . . .
BUT how does the way we phrase that affect their response? I'm quite sensitive to things being put in a negative light - No. Too hard.Not enough. Too much. Not there. That's not working. All of these are short and informative, but leave me feeling criticised and unsexy. I much prefer - Yes. Softer. Less. More. Move up a little. Try something else.
Does anyone else find communicating in a positive way to be a real struggle, or does your OH always give you encouraging, empowering advice?
I can be a bit sensitive to criticism myself so I'm very aware of how words can hurt which makes me very careful how I phrase things in bed.
During sex I tend to give verbal cues when something is really good. Nothing like a good moan or "oh yeah that's good" to encourage him
If something isn't quite hitting the spot I might move his hand or move myself into a better position. If I do that and we're facing each other I'd make sure I was smiling at him or making eye contact which makes it less of a criticism and more of an encouragement.
We've been together for many years but even then, I don't think its realistic for me to expect him to hit the spot every single time. My sensitivity varies and even when I'm masturbating it can sometimes take longer to reach orgasm, so if I can't get it spot on every time, how can he?
To be fair to the biter, it's early days and I don't think he's gotten much practice in the past with anything sexual, but he does seem to have a block when it comes to taking direction.
There is only so long you can stick to politeness before you just start saying "Aaah, you're doing it again." Or when "Oh, that's really good," gets ignored.
I'd like to point out that communication isn't only up to the person giving the direction. =P
Because I'm so sensitive down there I do have to ask WandA to alter a lot and what works one time doesn't another. Luckily he's very intuitive so first port of call is I stop making positive sounds and he'll usually twig from that that he needs to adjust. If that doesn't work I'll tap him somewhere on his body and he'll adjust (this one usually works every time) but if that doesn't work I'll give him directions (up a bit, left a bit, gentle) or say something like "I'd prefer this"...if he keeps going back to do whatever was uncomfortable then eventually I'll say something like "that's a bit hard".
I'll also play up the positive sounds if he moves from something uncomfy to something better so he knows that the previous thing was a little uncomfy.
PK have you tried saying things like "don't stop that" or "that's amazing, carry on" - might spell it out a bit more if he doesn't pick up on subtlety.
PK have you tried saying things like "don't stop that" or "that's amazing, carry on" - might spell it out a bit more if he doesn't pick up on subtlety.
Adx
I think I have, it tends to make him stop and take a rest. I think it's mainly because he is a Really passive partner and enjoys having things done to him rather than being a giver. Actually come to think he's not really entirely passive, he's more a sub that likes provoking actions. Huh, odd combo there.
Eeep, sorry for the derail there. Doing that a lot lately.
One thing I have found Very good when it comes to positivity is letting someone know that they can tell you anything about what they might like without snowing a negative front, even if you don't like the idea of what they are suggesting. "I'm glad you told me, but that's really not my thing," is soooo much better than hearing "Ugh, no chance." I think anyone hearing the second one would automatically be disinclined to be more open about things in the future that you might both have an interest in without realizing.
PK have you tried saying things like "don't stop that" or "that's amazing, carry on" - might spell it out a bit more if he doesn't pick up on subtlety.
Adx
I think I have, it tends to make him stop and take a rest. I think it's mainly because he is a Really passive partner and enjoys having things done to him rather than being a giver. Actually come to think he's not really entirely passive, he's more a sub that likes provoking actions. Huh, odd combo there.
I just find the difference between "that's good" and "don't stop" to be a subtle one but enough to work sometimes!
I agree with your point too - encouragement to my partner comes as second nature to me but I guess for some people it's not intuitive - especially if their less easily sexually communicative!
oh this has got me thinking now ...i have decided I need to have a couple of hours of practical working out what we do say to each other before I can comment...I only need to drag OH away form his work!!!
