Hi @Softkitty30 sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve struggled with my mental health a lot over the years and the meds can cause as many problems as they solve in some cases. I know you said that the doctors have tried lots of different ones and it feels like they are running out of ideas but there are likely to be others that they don’t immediately try. I was prescribed lots of different ones, they all had the same side effects and didn’t have much, if any, effect on my mood. Eventually I got a referral to a decent psychiatrist who explained to me that, although I’d tried lots of different meds, they were all the same family of antidepressants and worked in the same way - if one didn’t work then it’s understandable that none of the others worked! She switched my meds to mood stabilisers which have been so much better for me. What I’m trying to say is have a look at the meds you have tried and see if they are all the same type - if they are it is worth pushing to see a psychiatrist or asking to try a different type of meds.
The other thing that helped me (this won’t be a popular comment, sorry!) is diet and exercise. I cut out processed foods, started cooking more from scratch and reduced the amount of carbs I was eating (didn’t cut them out, just reduced them because I was eating a lot!). I also started doing some very short HIIT workouts (15mins plus a quick stretch) which, although exhausting to begin with, gave me a great endorphin boost and more energy to go with it. I also lost a bit of weight as a bonus which was a good thing for my confidence.
Having a counsellor who actually understood me was also helpful!
@Kitty-Cat01 hi thank you, yes all my meds are the same class of ssri’s. I asked gp to change to a different one a few weeks ago and she said I’ve already tried most with the same problems I’m struggling with and she can only offer me a choice of two more (not sure if she was aware but I’ve tried both of these too!)
I took the option of one of them that helped me to cope a bit better after my bereavement but it’s notorious for being sedating and needs to be taken before bed. Ironically it hasn’t had that affect on me this time around but it has shifted my mood- not for the positive either. I just feel more agitated and irritable where as before it made me feel relaxed and calmerI also don’t want to be on any meds anymore to be honest but feel like I’ve tried so many with no real successes and therefore struggled for many years now that I am finally done with it all and don’t see the point in taking them but know if I don’t take something for the recommended time the advise to give your brain time to make changes then I will never be ‘better’?!
Sounds exactly like I was I’ll admit that I had to pay for a private consultation but it was seriously worth it. Best money I’ve ever spent. I’d ask for a referral and try on the NHS first. I don’t know why they always offer only SSRI’s, I’m sure they are generally good but they aren’t going to work for everyone. If you want to try something else, you’ll probably have to push for it which is hard when you’re already feeling down. And always explain how you feel on your worst days not “on average”.
Other than the meds suggestion, maybe try a bit of massage again? Don’t go into it assuming that it’s foreplay, just enjoy it for it’s own sake. If you agree to not have sex but spend some time massaging each other and kissing, you will get the intimacy without the pressure of having sex. Maybe in the future you might find that enjoying each other’s bodies in this way turns you on and you end up having sex.
Sounds like you got a lot out of it at least, and maybe she would be a good option for the current situation if you have that trust level already.
In terms of the meds, I have always been in the ‘anti’ camp, but do appreciate they can be a necessity either short or long term for numerous reasons. I think @Kitty-Cat01’s comment is something that is often missed:
A little worrying that GP’s don’t understand antidepressants a lot better when they like to dish them out like smarties! (seems their ‘go-to’ solution for anything mental health related)
@Mr_Kink1 & @Kitty-Cat01
Thank you both, I will try all of these. I want to be able to be ‘mentally well/healthy’ without the meds but feel I actually need them as a baseline to function so I know my backs covered when some days are hard or when my anxiety is at it’s loudest. I feel they have the potential to take the time she of slightly?
During the few rare times when me and my partner do have sex, I enjoy it once we get going although sometimes it can take me a while to get fully going- it’s just the problem of finding the get up and go to actually want to do it in the first place and then do something about it or reciprocate the advances from my partner.
I really feel for you @Softkitty30 but at least you are trying to do something about it and acknowledge there is an issue. It is important that your mental health side of things are stable and the meds could have a big effect on your desire but an early menopause should not be ruled out and should be investigated, hormone replacements may be needed to assist. I wish you good luck and keep on at the medical staff for a solution. My wife went through a very early menopause and 20 years on is still suffering the effects and has lost most but not all of her libido. Unfortunately she will not look at HRT due to the risk of breast cancer which I can fully understand
This isn’t anywhere near as high a risk as is often assumed. There was a good channel 4 show about the menopause on a while back (presented by Davina McCall), and they tackled quite a few myths/misinformation in that. If the effects are still something your wife struggles with, it might be worth having a second look?
Only one in 10 women are on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)
A landmark study by the Women’s Health Institute released to the media in 2002 linked HRT to an increased risk of breast cancer and heart attacks. It resulted in 50 per cent of women abandoning their HRT, despite the fact that the sample and methods it used were unreliable and applicable only to a narrow group of women.
So we have been looking at some light bdsm stuff during our time together but have never ventured into it as yet, but we know each other likes this kind of stuff. We were looking at some under the bed restraints a few weeks ago now but I didn’t think anymore of it afterwards. Anyway, we went out this evening only to find a package had been posted through our letterbox addressed to my partner. I asked what it was curiously, and he whispered something for us as my little one was there at the time. Once we got home and upstairs later, my partner gave it to me to open, brushing it off saying ‘oh I forgot I’d ordered ordered this weeks ago!’. I opened it and to my surprise I found some under the bed restraints. I’ve been reading through the forum at posts last night and today and some stuff has peaked my interest and perhaps stirred things up a little and I’ve felt myself wanting to try and initiate things with my partner soon, along with everyone’s advice on this post. I feel this package may be a small ice breaker, or at least for now anyway….
I could have written EXACTLY this a year or so ago … I am also nearly a size sixteen and the biggest I’ve ever been and would LOVE to get back to being a size twelve. I totally totally TOTALLY understand your worries, anxiety and issues with lack of interest as I was once where you are .
My advice ? You are aware of the issue and so … I’d personally recommend Ben Wa / jiggle balls, just wear them and see how they make you feel. I found my libido all over again by using them.
Other than that I think you need to maybe have a few days off, have a nice bath, have a drink, RELAX and just go for it…
Once you have sex you want more … it’s the best way is to sort of force yourself and the more you have it, the more you want it. In turn you’ll build confidence and feel better about yourself.
@Softkitty30 you’ve been given some amazing advice so I’m not going to try and impart any of my own. I just wanted to drop in and say that you are most definitely not alone. All bar the counselling and ex partner I could have been reading about myself. Me and hubby have overcome some of this now. We both have an interest in BDSM and this has helped us but I still have weeks on end where I go backwards into the same mindset. And like you I cant count the amount of times I have said that its not him I’m not attracted to. It’s just sex in general and it’s so so hard to try and explain.
Just be reassured that you are not alone
It’s good that you enjoy it, they do say (and I personally think) having sex makes you want more … so rather than doing what I did years back and doing it maybe once a month or even once every other month, try a few times a week and to keep it regular then you want it more and more. If that makes sense…
I found I felt I end up pressuring myself then getting anxious and it became a vicious cycle.
@FortySomethingWife this is exactly what I do and become anxious too. Or, he gets frustrated and annoyed, makes it clear to me how he’s feeling and then I get defensive and make an extra point of not being interested out of spite because he feels that way and have a little resentment towards him for a while. I know it’s difficult for him too but sometimes he can come across as a bit harsh! I know he tries to understand but there’s only so much you can try to understand or put up with I suppose?! I don’t think sometimes he ‘gets’ how I can just not be interested and many times he has said if I tried to get myself in the mindset maybe I’d get in the mood, but that’s the point I’m not in that mindset and most of the time I don’t want to be!
It is a bad cycle to get into and I was there for a long time with my husband. The longer it went by that we didn’t have sex, the less he’d try as he didn’t want to be knocked back again and again. He’d then say something and I’d think of it as pressure and then refuse even more … it became a mental blocking point and I just didn’t want to do it at all.
I came off the pill, I then discovered Ben wa/ jiggle balls and wearing them just got me in the mood and now the tables turned and I want it a ridiculous amount, sex is now very regular (most days) though I’m still extremely anxious about my weight and size.
However, the more sex I have the more sex I want - it’s all about mind set.
We started with under bed restraints, they are now at the OH’s house.
Invested in these bad boys:
Personally think these are one of the best things I bought on LH! Give so much versatility - although appreciate not all bed types suit them. With a bit of out the box thinking and some carabiners, they are very adaptable and can be hooked around anything really!
Apols it’s a little off topic, but any time I see the word restraints I think of these.
Having mobility issues too I just leave them on the bed so on not so good days I can use them to pull myself up etc.,
I also don’t want to be on any meds anymore to be honest but feel like I’ve tried so many with no real successes and therefore struggled for many years now that I am finally done with it all and don’t see the point in taking them but know if I don’t take something for the recommended time the advise to give your brain time to make changes then I will never be ‘better’?!
I’ll admit that I had to pay for a private consultation but it was seriously worth it. Best money I’ve ever spent. I’d ask for a referral and try on the NHS first. I don’t know why they always offer only SSRI’s, I’m sure they are generally good but they aren’t going to work for everyone. If you want to try something else, you’ll probably have to push for it which is hard when you’re already feeling down. And always explain how you feel on your worst days not “on average”.
. Hopefully this will be the beginning of something fun x
