Low libido/finds it hard to initiate

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi all,
It’s been a while since I last posted on the forum so I apologise in advance for the very long waffling on post!
I’m having a little trouble with low libido- not in the sense that I don’t want sex with my partner (we’ve been together almost 5 years it’s not a lack of attraction), but I just feel no interest in any kind of sex at all- not even solo although I’ve never been much into that anyway. I have felt this way for quite some time now and it’s become a problem in our relationship.
I initially put it down to having such a busy career, long hours/rarely any time to take breaks and constantly on my feet during my working day. The job itself was also making me quite anxious in the role that I was in but I had been doing it for a very long time almost 15yrs so I don’t know where it spring from? I recently changed jobs, and am much happier but took a massive pay cut with it-think going from a managerial role to starting at the bottom of the ladder again in a completely different field.
I spoke to the dr a while ago about the stress from my job and events in my life leading up to now and she gave me meds to treat anxiety and depression. I have a history of it since the birth of my daughter and suffered a bereavement a few years ago from a very close family member that took a part of me without them and I do struggle to come to terms with it from time to time (I have had counselling for this and my anxiety but although it helped it’s been no miracle cure along with the meds and still a work in progress) my partner has been nothing but supportive through all of this and knows all my history and past with mental health. I struggle with the side effects of the meds-tiredness and libido pretty much non existent that I tend to give up with them as they make things worse not better and have tried lots of different ones to try and alleviate this but have had no job. I know the meds are not solely responsible for the libido vanishing entirely but they do have a rep for it. It’s not as though I don’t want to want to have sex, I do want to want it-I just don’t for whatever reason. I wonder if aside from the culmination of stress, anxiety and bereavement coupled with a difficult previous very long term relationship that broke down that I still am not free of as I have a child with this person and so have to see them regularly much to my disgust, I wonder if it is in fact a hormonal problem that requires me to visit the dr to discuss more? My mother had an early menopause and I often wonder if this could be why along with struggling with dryness etc but this could be both libido or menopausal related?!
On another note and getting back to my point, the odd time I do manage to spark some desire for sex, I seems me and my partner tend to do the same things, same kind of routines with foreplay etc, and I find that because of the ‘predictability’ I get bored or I can’t be arsed with bothering to either respond to his advances or muster up the energy to initiate. He does initiate all of the time and get annoyed with this as he has said he’d like me to take control and for him to feel like I want him for a change. When I tell him I get bored of the same thing all the time he does ask what I’d like to try instead but I don’t know fully to be honest?! I know what kinds of stuff I like and he is aware what these are, but when it comes down to it I feel to shy/embarrassed/silly to ask or say or even initiate. I used to be very open and quite liberal in my attitude towards sex and what I like/want in the bedroom (for the most part in my previous relationship) but in this one not so much and it seems my confidence has been knocked by all my mental health struggles if you perhaps want to put it a better way? Or at least this is what I think and can’t find another real reason? Me and my partner have also put on weight since we met, both are yo yo dieters that just have no willpower when it comes to food and have regained what we’ve both lost over the years plus more. I’m now around a size 16, the biggest I’ve ever been even since we’ve been together and even since pregnancy and I don’t like it. There’s nothing wrong with curves and I appreciate other curvy women and think they’re gorgeous and sexy and if I was in the market to be interested in women it’d be the curvier ones I’d be more attracted to/sway towards, but on myself I find it repulsive and all I see when I look Is a body out of proportion- I have a smaller bust with a broader back, wide hips and bum with quite a set of thighs which even as far back as I remember in school when I was around 15 and a little self conscious, I never liked my thick set thighs. All this teamed with the unavoidable lumpy and bumpy cellulite that a lot of women dislike. My partner reassured me he doesn’t notice it or the fact I am around 2 stone heavier than when we met and he still finds me sexy and attractive but if I can’t see it or think it about myself then how can I then expect him to? I’m not wanting to be a size 8 model, I never have been nor do I have the build to ever be, but I’d love to get back to my size 12 again and it’s not as easy as people think to lose weight. This isn’t a major issue for me although it may sound like it but I’m just mentioning it as I feel it’s definitely a contributing factor.

Going back to initiating, I know what my partner likes/wants and I do know how to initiate things but I just don’t feel comfortable doing so. I don’t really know why but I feel daft doing it, and worse I’d be mortified if I was rejected (and as karma might have it because I do this enough to him!). He gets so frustrated at the lack of sex and says he misses the intimacy the most and the connection, but I just don’t get it and for me sex is mostly just a physical enjoyment and outlet. I know this may sound narrow or closed minded and I’m not that kind of person really, but for me I’ve been there and done all the ‘connection’ stuff and it just feels odd. I’m not the most romantic kind of person although I do like to be romanced to a certain extent without going over the top.
We’ve tried date nights, new toys, underwear etc to get back ok track but I just don’t know how to anymore or we’ve had a few good nights then weeks or sometimes months with nothing. I feel completely lost! He doesn’t seem to get it that I personally genuinely don’t think it’s him that I no longer desire, it’s just sex in general- Yes Jason Statham might come along one day just by some miracle and offer it to me on a plate, and at first I may peak some kind of interest initially but after a while I know I’d feel completely like this again. That’s not to say I would consider cheating or going elsewhere, I’d never do that and I’ve had it done to me and it was devastating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone in a relationship. I was just talking hypothetically. Sorry for the long post any advice would be greatly appreciated​:heart:

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Welcome back @Softkitty30 :slightly_smiling_face:

I’m not going to lie, I’m reading this in stages. :slightly_smiling_face:

I’ve just got to the bit where you mentioned meds. Medication can play havoc with libido, especially anxiety/depression meds. You can ask your GP for different ones that may have fewer side effects for you?

The menopause can be an arse as well. Mrs Chimp had a confusing time of it, as it started for her quite early. She’s gone the HRT route in the end, and I think the patches have helped quite a bit (they’re a bugger to get hold of sometimes though). I’d definitely talk to your GP though if you think it is the menopause, as it’s crappy to go through it blind. :+1:

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@Softkitty30 I feel for you. I want more than anything to give you a big cwtch.
Hormones, stress, medication will all hurt sex drives. I also find the less you have sex the less you want.
Dr’s for some bloods maybe a starting point x

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@Ian_Chimp thank you, yes the Dr’s have changed my meds multiple times that they’re running out of other meds as options. They all cause me to feel constantly tired with no libido :frowning:
As far as menopause is concerned I’m in my 30’s but like I mentioned my mum had her menopause around a similar age to what I am now.
@Mrs.John thank you, I just don’t know what to do or how to feel. I want it to reappear but at the same time I just have no interest and can’t be arsed. I will certainly call the dr and ask for a blood test and see what happen :heart:

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Mrs Chimp was in her mid-30s. It took her by surprise, and only really came to light as we were also trying for a baby (miraculously we got twins from what would appear to be Mrs Chimp’s last two eggs :slightly_smiling_face:). It’s definitely worth making enquiries if you think it’s a possibility.

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@Ian_Chimp yes a similar age to me now then. So pleased you still managed to have your child(ren) though. :heart:

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Me too, mostly (though it does rather depend on the day :slightly_smiling_face:)

As for intimacy/connection, it doesn’t have to be an intense soul-bond type thing, it can just be about sharing a laugh, or cuddling up on the sofa together while watching a film. Often this won’t lead to sex, and can just be enjoyed for what it is - and other times it can be the perfect set up to bust out your best seduction moves. :slightly_smiling_face: Don’t worry too much if he asks for a rain-check sometimes. ‘Rejection’ can feel rough, but in most of those cases it’s not a real rejection, just a scheduling snafu. :slightly_smiling_face: The more you do it, the more comfortable you become with the give and take of it. :+1:

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@Ian_Chimp thank you. It’s just even during those times where he may reach out to touch me (just in a non sexual and more of a affectionate kind of way) or leans in for a kiss or cuddle, sometimes I feel irritated by it like I just don’t want him to do or to just leave me alone. I think sometimes it’s because if I know I’m not in the mood,by him doing these things I’m assuming he’s in the mood and therefore wants it to lead to more which I don’t :frowning:Sometimes I feel he is too clingy (which he isn’t so I don’t think this is the right word but can’t think of one at the moment)

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@Softkitty30 it sounds like you are a bit down.
I have been known to behave in a similar way if I am particularly stressed, overwhelmed or depressed x

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@Mrs.John yes I have been lately but don’t really know why? It’s been something that is on and off for many years now with the depression and anxiety even I’m getting sick and tired if always being sick and tired :sleepy: seems to be no meds nor therapy that can help shift it. Would’ve thought after just short of a a decade of it all, I would have been ok now

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Maybe a thyroid check?

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@Mrs.John I think dr checked this for me a while ago amongst other things at the same time and all was fine :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Have you had any proper alone time recently, to just be by yourself?

I find no matter how much I love someone I can’t be around people all the time, I need a day a month or so to be completely on my own and just recharge. If I don’t, I start to find even loving affectionate actions from a partner annoy me a ludicrous amount - but now I know if it gets this way I need to be by myself for a bit.

Edit: this won’t be the cause of everything, but if it’s something that affects you in might be piling on top and making things harder!

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@Cassii i wish I could but with my partner working from home and kids about 24/7 it’s difficult :disappointed:

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Welcome back @Softkitty30.

Sorry to hear about your problems, but I actually find coming on here and asking for advice is a step in the right direction.
This sounds like my wife- very low drive,kids, long hours, and doesn’t know what she likes anymore.

I bought a massage table for her birthday and buy different oils and treat her to full body or just back massages.
Not only does this relieve stress, it helps bind us and most times ends in cuddles or more.
You could say it’s predictable but changing things up really helps.
Try sexting- sometimes it falls on deaf ears but really shows body confidence- even if you don’t have much.
Talking to each other rather than counselling would be my advice but sometimes it’s the non verbal communication which brings you closer.
I hope you manage to get things back.

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@Bonzo2020 thank you. The massage chair you have for your wife sounds nice and is a good idea. We have, albeit rarely given a massage to each other. We do find it enjoyable.
I think something such a sexting would be out of my comfort zone. We did try in the early days but I found he didn’t quite ‘catch on’ to the flirting by text etc so I gave up. It’s just finding some confidence again to begin to initiate things and say what I want. I’m not just referring to it in the sense of body confidence but I mean in myself in general. I feel it’s been lost somewhere and don’t quite known where, when or how :pensive:

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Hi @Softkitty30,

Thanks for taking time to post, there is an awful lot there that you have unpacked.
I have to be honest, too much for my little mind to take in and do any form of justice with in terms of each of the specific parts that you have mentioned.

I know that you mentioned counselling along with meds for anxiety and depression side of things. It sounds like the meds may be playing their part in this particular area for you if they make you feel more tired.

In terms of libido/mojo and anything sex related, we often forget the amount of impact that our heads have on it all.

My guess (and please keep in mind I am no expert in health or sex fields, so take with a pinch of salt!) is that the easier element to rule out would be the physical aspects - i.e. hormonal balance, with the help from the Docs.
Dryness could be a symptom of something medical, or simply lack of arousal (diff disclaimer here, I’m male and cannot talk from experience).

I would think that maybe the easiest course of action would be to speak with the Docs and see if anything medical shows up - would either give a cause or rule that out.

If it is not medical, then that leaves it with the mental health side of things, which of course could be a different can of worms altogether, and based on a few things mentioned specifically, may be worth addressing in a counselling sense:

I know first hand how difficult it can be having to have that connection and contact with someone that really makes the insides churn! Disgust is a powerful word, and maybe that particular relationship has resulted in some changes, such as:

Maybe it was more the experience of past which may appear to be loss of confidence. But it may be fear of getting hurt, and letting yourself go.

So sorry you had that experience. Can only say that again, this experience is likely to be having an impact on current situation.

Apols for posting half a reply first of all, hit the wrong button in error!
To me it sounds like there is quite a lot that you are trying to deal with and process, and perhaps counselling would be a good safe place to get some of those deep feelings/resentments etc., off the chest so to speak.

In terms of this, perhaps that is what you need to say to your partner? Intimacy and connection doesn’t have to be about sex. It can be small steps, romance, maybe just taking a walk together hand in hand.
Re the thought of rejection, when you say:

That indicates rejection is very unlikely!

Sorry, I typed more than I thought I was going to. It sounds like you have a man that is being very supportive, and I would imagine wants to do all that he can to help you feel better with this all.
If not done so, maybe the honest and open chat with him around what you have written would be helpful for him to understand what is really happening for you.
Right, honestly, I am putting the keyboard away now… really hope you both get things sorted, and don’t try to rush things.

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@Mr_Kink1 thank you. I am definitely swaying more to the reasons being my mental health rather than physical health but just to rule it out I am thinking of booking a dr appointment as soon as I can. But with meds and having had counselling and things like cbt etc surely there’s not much more that can be done for me?!

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Counselling is only as good as what the client brings to the table, they’re only human.
In a large part, it would be about getting a better understanding of how big past events change your behaviors now. Our heads are amazing things, and really want to protect us. Unfortunately though that results in barriers and guards coming up to avoid us getting hurt again. It can be a painful process (this I can talk first hand about), but for me it helped me see things in a different perspective completely.
Counselors themselves cannot fix stuff, they can only help guide you through your journey of discovery. For example, the issues with the dad of your child, working through the issues that may be affecting you.
There are multiple styles of counselling, person centered, CBT, TA, quite a long list.
I found integrative therapist worked well for me, which uses relevant modality (person centered, CBT, Psychodynamic etc.,) accordingly to what you are going through.

If you go the counselling route, take your time to find the right person for you. Someone you feel you can grow to trust and really talk with is so important to help being as open and honest as possible. It’s not an overnight thing, might stir up a lot of stuff, which means you’re touching stuff thats important!

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@Mr_Kink1 thank you. I had a few months counselling at the beginning of the year with a lovely lady for my anxiety that I was struggling with in my old career, mixed in with a little bereavement counselling from her as well. She was lovely, she introduced aspects of cbt and explained it all and showed me how the brain works with these kinds of troubles and what triggers which part etc. It was actually very fascinating. For the most part it was uncovering aspects from my childhood in relation to my bereavement as it was my mother that I lost whom I was extremely close to, and discussing what aspects in my old career made me anxious. A lot of it was mostly talking therapy which I enjoyed doing although like you’ve mentioned may be difficult at times and it kind of helped to ‘untangle’ the knots/yarns of issues a little so I could see more clearly and understand more but I feel it didn’t quite address the root problem of which I am still unsure of as to why I have been/am affected by these aspects. Thus I felt somewhat satisfied and happier with the results from seeing her but didn’t know if she could actually do any more for me to benefit from so my sessions ended- and what with me starting a new and exciting job venture, I felt a weight of my anxiety lift and that I was finally free of the old place and wanting to leave it now behind me but just recently these last few weeks, I can’t help feeling some is beginning to creep in again.In the end I just put all this bereavement depression/anxiety down to being an only child with a not so traditional maternal mother-child bond/relationship until my adult life where we became inseparable. As regards my old career, I was just very overwhelmed, tired and stressed as a manager without support from my superiors and my team being consistently short staffed, then this translated into anxiety and coincidentally it flared up at its worst shortly after I lost my mother. But looking back, I’ve always been a natural ‘worrier’ with a baseline level of anxiety as far back in my life as I can remember even as a young child.