Update from me and little Sulley

Off-Topic Chat
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Hi all,

Sorry not been about much and contributing, it’s not good for me as my thoughts quickly latch onto what I cannot have and makes me quite unwell pretty quickly, so best thing is to come on as and when I’m in right frame of mind.
I cannot believe it’s like 5 months already!
I guess simple bits first, still single, and still celibate since the split. I’d joined a few dating apps, then removed, then joined. No interest really in wanting a relationship, I’m not ready yet - Sulley disagrees though, so we’ve been locked in a battle a little. They’re currently all removed, Sulley’s had his say, I have the final word now though.
Little bit of guilt for joining them, but thats OK, it’s only myself that is hurt.
I did meet someone - which was a little surreal. It wasn’t a date as such, someone I had spoke with over 8 years ago, and was more of a catch up through a joint interest of counselling. A little strange re sequence of events, but a friend made either way.

I think really the main update is that there is no real update, no real news. Me and Mrs Kink are still friends, and talk now and then. I still miss her, but know we have done the right thing. I think we both do, and that is nice.

I’m still working hard on myself and my past, and looking to really reconnect with myself again. One of the big items in past is about to be opened with counsellor, and that will be interesting to see what comes out. Lots of fear, as it’s a big arse box of pain. Contemplated leaving it on the shelf - but no. I’ve carried some of this stuff too long already, time to open it, face the pain and let it go when I can.

Oh, the ‘no updates’ bit, actually a small lie. I have stopped smoking/vaping for a month now - so another vice gone. Considering I have been doing that for 30 years, it’s a pretty big thing, and proud of myself for that.
Just Tea and Ice Cream left on the naughty list, and they’re not going anywhere, both me and Sulley enjoy them too much.

I actually have a couple of Sulley teddy bears to hug now, one being my teenage self, the other my adult self. It feels like I’ve made little progress on myself, yet I know I have made lots, it’s just very disjointed with a lot of fear and pain still to deal with. My faith is returning, I know I will be a better person in 6 months or so, I’d like to start enjoying the journey a little more though.

I have very little solo play time, very little interest in wanting sex, until Sulley rattles his cage in my head insisting I need that validation and a new relationship. I don’t. I need to be myself, work on that relationship and all will be well.

Hmmmm, feels like I have rambled on and actually said nothing at all really. Still feeling sad, low, miserable, like something is missing. Little Sulley is still sulking, and I still cannot really connect with him. He’s got a complex defence system up, but slowly I will get there. I need to thank him for what he’s done for me when I was younger, and to tell him we have better ways to cope now.

So yeah, not an eventful update, but I’m still here, still same ID, sober, clean and working this stuff… see you all on the other side…

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Keep plodding on, great to start the journey beating the nicotine

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Hi, I’m not sure I follow the Sulley side of things but I assume he’s a therapy tool that I’m sure you’ve spoken about somewhere and I’ve missed.

I don’t think there’s any hurry to jump into a new relationship and doing so before you’re ready definitely wont help. I’m sure you’ll know when you are and working on yourself and your own happiness first sounds an excellent plan.

Finally, huge congratulations on quitting (a first month is fantastic) smoking and vaping. Huge achievement and you’re right to be very proud of yourself.

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Keep on going, its good about the cigs and really try to styay away from them and the vap. Best of luck.

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Great to see you and get an update. I also went ‘who’s Sulley?’, if he helps ypu be kind to yourself, then I’m all for it.
Well done on quitting smoking/vaping, thats a massive achievement.

I think its a natural reaction to want to fill the void, to want someone to spend time with because there are so many more hours in the day than there were before.

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Just take it easy as you have been doing you can take small steps things happen for a reason, you are both civil and that’s something, you come this far a new start for you maybe a blessing in time good luck keep us all posted thinking of you good luck :crossed_fingers:

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Well done for quitting smoking/vaping, that’s a big thing.

I’m also glad that you’re getting counselling, it’s a brave step so be proud of that.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make yourself as healthy as possible, good luck and we’re here behind you x

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Glad to hear you are still plodding on through. I hope you continue to find strength and healing. You know you can do it. :slight_smile:

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Thanks all for the posts…

@Peitho @JoCat @MsSubExperimenter
Sorry, the Sulley link. So I have often referred to the Monster in my head. Basically the monster is my inner teenager, and my counsellor doesn’t like my reference to him being a monster - although for me it is in an affectionate way. So I used the Monsters Inc. character of Sulley as a way of explaining this to counsellor. As part of this process, I now call my Monster Sulley, and was encouraged to get a cuddly toy version as representation of teenage me.

But yep, been with this counsellor since last year specifically to connect with this part of me. I became a qualified counsellor myself in Jan when split up actually happened, and continuing that journey on another course too - so exploring stuff in many different ways and well supported. But Sulley remains quite distant to me. The urges of finding hook-ups, brasses, relationships, they all come from that part of me. They are not right, but go back to beliefs I had at the time and how I learnt to protect myself and manage the pain and stuff I couldn’t control or handle.
Sulley has built a defence system around him like fort knox, but I will get through to him eventually and let him know things are OK. We don’t need to behave that way any more, I have better ways to cope and manage pain and things that upset me.

It’s a long journey, and my head never allows it to be simple. I am very proud of the smoking side, especially under the circumstances (although I question if it was self harm to begin with) but it’s out my system and now I have the choice to smoke or not.
Same as I have choice how to behave. Sulley just wants me to behave in old ways I am not prepared to any more. There’s parts I would enjoy in the moment, and then I would be full of guilt, remorse, and negative sh!t as I am simply not ready.

Over sharing seems to be becoming a thing maybe…

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It’s not over sharing :purple_heart:

You’re talking and letting things out rather than bottling things up inside, that’s not easy to do and is definitely a positive thing so keep it up as much as you want to.

You should be really proud of the smoking thing :clap:t2:

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Regardless you’ve come a long way already and are doing so well, even more so with quitting vaping too!

So big hugs to you dear sir and glad you’ve managed to check in :hugs:

Also Who’s Sulley again?

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Sulley is now the name of the monster in my head, from Monsters Inc. movie, as per my last comment really.
He isn’t really a monster, he’s just not happy I’m not using the old behaviours that made me feel better.
Therapeutically he is my inner teenage self that learnt to manage pain and trauma with dysfunctional behaviours and beliefs. I am working on reconnecting with my wounded inner teenager, and it is taking longer than I want it to if I’m completely honest, but that might be because there is one big ass box I talk about in therapy, but not opened yet.

It needs opening, theres a load of pain in it. The benefit of opening the box might be that Sulley feels safe enough to leave his cage and be free. That may well be the utopia I seek, allowing me to truly connect with myself and be OK with being me. It may be another frigging mirage, and simply give another mountain to climb.

I guess there’s only one way to find out…

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Facing your feelings is never easy, and unfortunately theres no quick way passed it. Its just straight through it and know that your coping mechanisms and support are in place to help you.

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Ahhh now I remember when you first introduced us to sulley! :sweat_smile: sorry I’d forgotten :see_no_evil:

The good thing with therapy and self healing is there’s no deadline or rush to it, you simply take it as it comes and work through it in your time, however long it may be.
Wether this pandora box turns into a mountain or mirage or the peace you seek it’ll be progress nonetheless and within that it’s a positive thing to look at :relieved:
Even acknowledging on here to all of us about this box is a big thing to be positive about as you know it’s there and not buried anymore.

Hopefully you’ll continue on this journey with good strides :smiley:

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Yeah unfortunately with how my head works, I want the solutions and fixes, and I want them now. You’re right though, it is merely part of the journey and I need a little more faith around it all.

It’s not been a buried or hidden box, just one that I know holds a lot of pain that is possibly where a lot of my dysfunctional thinking has come through. It feels like Sulley tells me the only thing to gain by opening it is pain and he doesn’t want to go through it. I’ll hold his hand though and we’ll get through it together, just like everything else the last 4.5 years - one day at a time!

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I can definitely relate to being impatient on things and sometimes that can cause part of the setback as it makes pressure and frustration to force your mind to move faster than what it’s able to go at.

Sounds like Sulley is there to protect you from harm as well as all the rest. Maybe writing it down might prove to be a useful start on opening the box even if no one sees it at first or alternatively write it out on here could be therapeutic.