Well were to start, and freind of mine has been really depressed for some time now. we have been freinds since we were very young about 6 years old we are more like brothers then freinds, so i know him very well, and i have noticed he has been extremely depressed for the past year or so, being that he is like a brother to me i have been constently asking him what is wrong and that if he needs to chat he knows were iam. well last night he rang me in a right mess, saying that he cant take it anymore, when iasked him what was wrong he admitted to me that he was gay and that the reason he didnt tell me sooner was becase he didnt want to lose our freindship, to which i simply stated he was being really stupid it makes no difference to me at all, he has kept this quite for many many years, but is to afraid to tell his parents or anyone else for that matter, but i can see this is really really depresseing him,
should i go ahead and tell his parents in the hope that it will help take the load off his shoulders or should i just leave it be and watch him sink even further into depression.
Personally, I would not tell his parents as this will shatter the trust he has in you. I would however offer to go with him when ever he feels ready to tell them.
I'm sure there are plenty of other forum members who can offer you better and more advice but, definitely, I would not tell his parents for him.
Imo You should absolutely not do anything "for him". You need to be his friend, help him accept who he is and develop the confidence to be himself and tell whoever he needs to tell.
Imo You should absolutely not do anything "for him". You need to be his friend, help him accept who he is and develop the confidence to be himself and tell whoever he needs to tell.
+1 - Definitely don't tell his parents, I agree with CH, this would really break his trust in you. Just continue to be a good friend and support him xx
thats what i thought but the other half of me is screaming at me to do somthing because i hate seeing him so hurt,
is society that bad, that people who are gay are so afraid to be who they want to be with out being abused/insulted...
I think that depends on your society.
I have a friend, my best friend in school, who came out following uni, he was incredibly scared about letting the world know his sexuality but now that he has, he has managed to get a partner, a good career and has many many more friends than I do as a straight guy. If friends aren't willing to accept him then they're not the type of friends you want. Also, fuck society, it's fucks you often enough.
Taboo, my OH has to deal with issues like this as part of his 'job'. I asked him for his opinion on your dilemma this morning and this is what he said;
"As men, we are 'designed' to be and act as problem solvers and if we spend our energies and efforts trying to 'fix' things. However, some things in life cannot, and indeed, should not be fixed as they are not 'broken', even though the world around us may think they are.
This is one of those occasions where nothing can be fixed so simply be with your friend and walk with him without telling him what to do or even doing things for him. It may feel like you are not 'doing' anything but that is just the male instinct that us men sometimes struggle to shake off!"
I hope that this may help in at least a very, very small way.
You don't say in your original post, but i'm going to assume that he is about the same age as you?
Not all of us are fully confident with our sexuality at a younger age. It can take time for some people to fully come to terms with it, and it sounds like your friend has been struggling with this for years.
The best thing you can do for him at this point, is to just remind him that his sexuality has no effect on your friendship or how you perceive your friend. Be supportive, but under no circumstances should you tell anyone for him. Not only is it a huge breach of trust, but it can, in some situations, make things even worse. If his parents are not so accepting, and they find out from someone else, the result could be disastarous.
He needs to be able to come out as and when HE is ready - not when anyone else is. Especially as there is a high chance that the depression he is suffering, is born out of a 'resentment' for what he feels, especially if he potentially grew up under the idealogy that being gay is abhorrent or somehow makes you less of a man. Talk to him, and suggest that he goes to speak to a professional about this.
It's not going to be easy, and he will have a bumpy road ahead of him. And people not being accepting isn't the be all and end all. I came out when I was 15. I'm now 28. I have only ever experienced one situation that I would even remotely call 'homophobic'. Most people these days are genuinely more accepting that you think. It's just unfortunate that the media continues to give idiots like UKIP the spotlight, so they can spout their ridiculous dogma. Gays causing floods? Seriously?
I know you want to to the best for your friend, but really, the best thing to do is to just keep quiet, and offer support when he wants/needs it.
Thanks for the help, im just struggling to see him so hurt, and not him self, he is coming to see me later today for a coffee and a chat, hopefully a chat and a hug can assure him what ever path he chooses in life iam still his freind/brother and will be there for him every step of the way , sorry david forgot to add yes we are both the same age of 32, my oh as said to him stop worrying about loosing our freindship as he is as much a part of the family is our children
If and when he feels up to it, maybe try and take him to a local gay bar?
Me and my friends often go out to gay bars on a night out purely because theyre often so friendly, and even our straight male friends have a good time, as well as our gay friends.
maybe he if he had some gay friends to talk with it would help him a little?
Thanks for the help, im just struggling to see him so hurt, and not him self, he is coming to see me later today for a coffee and a chat, hopefully a chat and a hug can assure him what ever path he chooses in life iam still his freind/brother and will be there for him every step of the way , sorry david forgot to add yes we are both the same age of 32, my oh as said to him stop worrying about loosing our freindship as he is as much a part of the family is our children
I know it's going to be difficult to see him struggle, and yes, we all naturally want to do what we think is the best for them - but we have to remember that sometimes, when we try to do good, we sometimes make things worse!
Coming out is a very personal thing - if someone else had told my parents before I could, I would never forgive them - especially if I wasn't mentally ready. He needs to be able to do it in his time and on his terms.
Before I came out, I was incredibly upset and depressed, as I had thought that my friends would disown me, and for weeks before I was continuously arguing with my mum, and it got to the point I thought she would throw me out. I was, fortunately, lucky - in that all my friends could not have been happier for me, and it turns out my mum already 'worked it out' and was angry at me for not telling her.
I have confidence that he will be fine. It's not easy dealing with it unfortunately. A lot of people I know were always under the impression that 'coming out' was an easy decision - but it really isn't!
I'm so glad to see you be so supportive for him. I'm sure he does know deep down that people have 'got his back'. It's just a very emotional and confusing time for him, and all he needs right now is his friends.
I agree with David again! It's really nice that you're showing as much support as possible to him.
However, when you mentioned about having a cuppa and a hug, I thought maybe I should let you know that I don't think you should be overly sympathetic with him. I know that sounds horrible and harsh, but you don't want to be smothering him with pity because he has this huge hurdle to deal with. I think you should try and be as normal as possible with him, have a carry on with him and have some fun like you always do. Maybe if he opens up about it you should mention that you're so happy he's been able to tell you because you were worried about him and it's a weight off your shoulders, or something like that. Just keep it really light hearted and try not to play it as being too serious. If he can see that you're so accepting about it and happy about it without getting too serious it will probably be easier for him to see you like that, because it might make him think others will be just as open too.
I agree with David again! It's really nice that you're showing as much support as possible to him.
However, when you mentioned about having a cuppa and a hug, I thought maybe I should let you know that I don't think you should be overly sympathetic with him. I know that sounds horrible and harsh, but you don't want to be smothering him with pity because he has this huge hurdle to deal with. I think you should try and be as normal as possible with him, have a carry on with him and have some fun like you always do. Maybe if he opens up about it you should mention that you're so happy he's been able to tell you because you were worried about him and it's a weight off your shoulders, or something like that. Just keep it really light hearted and try not to play it as being too serious. If he can see that you're so accepting about it and happy about it without getting too serious it will probably be easier for him to see you like that, because it might make him think others will be just as open too.
Good luck!
Absolutely!
There's being 'supportive' and then there's being 'patronising'.
Just act how you always have with him - that just proves that this really does have no influence on your friendship at all - it's just normal! But if things do get a bit emotional, a hug is always a good thing. We all appreciate a hug now and again, whomever it's come from!
Oh yeah totally! Hugs are fine!! Just when you wrote that it prompted me to think about reminding you not to be too over the top. Everyone loves a good hug though, and I'm sure you'll need one just as much as him after all this worry!! Hope you have a good chat :) Good luck x
I really would not take it upon yourself to tell his parents, as much as you feel that it may help to take the load off, and I can see you only want to do this as you really care for your friend, this may jus push him further away and into more of a depressed state, as he will more than likely feel that you have betrayed the trust between the two of you... it sounds like this has taken an awful amount of strength for him to tell you, and right now, you jus need to be there for him and support him especially when he does decide on his own account to tell his family.
I hope everything works out for him and that he feels better within himself soon x
You don't say in your original post, but i'm going to assume that he is about the same age as you?
Not all of us are fully confident with our sexuality at a younger age. It can take time for some people to fully come to terms with it, and it sounds like your friend has been struggling with this for years.
The best thing you can do for him at this point, is to just remind him that his sexuality has no effect on your friendship or how you perceive your friend. Be supportive, but under no circumstances should you tell anyone for him. Not only is it a huge breach of trust, but it can, in some situations, make things even worse. If his parents are not so accepting, and they find out from someone else, the result could be disastarous.
He needs to be able to come out as and when HE is ready - not when anyone else is. Especially as there is a high chance that the depression he is suffering, is born out of a 'resentment' for what he feels, especially if he potentially grew up under the idealogy that being gay is abhorrent or somehow makes you less of a man. Talk to him, and suggest that he goes to speak to a professional about this.
It's not going to be easy, and he will have a bumpy road ahead of him. And people not being accepting isn't the be all and end all. I came out when I was 15. I'm now 28. I have only ever experienced one situation that I would even remotely call 'homophobic'. Most people these days are genuinely more accepting that you think. It's just unfortunate that the media continues to give idiots like UKIP the spotlight, so they can spout their ridiculous dogma. Gays causing floods? Seriously?
I know you want to to the best for your friend, but really, the best thing to do is to just keep quiet, and offer support when he wants/needs it.
I wish him all the best.
Please listen to this man. Words of wisdom and experience right here. To come out is a huge step that he must take at his own time and in his own way. Unless he specifically asks you to go tell his parents, resist. You could cause serious damage.
Itching to do something to help is a sure sign of an amazing friend and I can only give you one bit of advice when struggling with what to do and how to help. It is quite simple, but the most difficult maybe: Ask him. Ask him what he needs, ask him how you can help, tell him you are there for him, tell him you are supporting and basically communicate. Everyone is different and wants or needs different things in times of great stress. To ask him what you can do for him is the best thing you can do as his friend.
I really feel for him and hope that he manages to come to accept himself as the person he is and understands his sexuality does not define him as a man/as a person. I hope it all works out well. x
Hopefully him finding the strength to confide in you will spark the decision to talk to other people in his life. Just let him know you're there for him if he needs you, and then carry on being the friend you've always been to him. He must feel like a weight has been lifeted by telling you he's gay after all this time, and any other steps forward like this need to come from him and not you