long story short i had to prem babies 8months apart, my youngest spent 3mnts in hospital so i was eating crap all the time whilst traveling 3hours each way to and from the hospital. Iv just been told i will be lucky if i have anymore kids again as i have problems with my ovaries - which is also making me "hold" weight around my middle and it just dont shift. When i met hubby i was a curvy size 6/8 who oozed confidence and now im a 12/14 still curvy but with a belly! and i have no confidence at all. Im at an all time low right now and would really like to get back to my old self, i love lingerie!! i love dressing up for him but i cant remember the last time i did as i dont feel comfortable with myself anymore. please help!!
Hi,
You are awesome, just hold that thought while you work through this one.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself - I'm sure you look amazing but you have well earned war wounds and psychological scars to deal with - I'm going to stop waffling and try and give some practical advice!
Try and find something that you feel good in - that accentuates your voluptuous breasts, is risque and sexy but skims over your bumps. Feeling trussed up will do you no good!
I'd recommend a good fitting babydoll in the right bra size, which ou can keep on to make love in as it is easy access but detracts from your middle. Team it with some hold ups if you feel comfortable with your legs and some heels which make you feel hot, and keep them on!
If you want me to keep waffling I will,
Love and hugs, Legs xx
the dreamgirl range on here is brilliant;. its not too expensive but its well made and is designed for all kinds of shapes. there is also a lingerie guide on here as well.
it also depends on what you want from sexy lingerie, and of course, your vital stats as to where you can shop ect
if you want something that wil pull your stomach in a corset might be the thing. try searching for corset boulovard (SP) on ebay, they do some fantastic corsets
thx for the replies, didnt expect them so quickly lol
i have alot of babydolls and corsets, but even they dont make me feel good about myself. I think i will work my ass off for the next 2/3weeks and then treat myself to new lingerie and new shoes and go to town :) so fed up of feeling like a frump
ithat is a good idea. just remmeber that your partner loves you the way you are
why not try something new to build your confidence like stippercise or burlesque dancing?
Purely by fault, not design. But if you need to feel good about yourself, why not look into the boudoir / FYEO photoshoots? It might be a bit too early, but they were a massive confidence booster for me and my OH.
I had just added to that thread, and read this afterwards. Food for thought, regardless, I hope you find something that works for you x
Yes, corset boulevard do amazing ones - the longer line are fab - I have one in red to sell (size 12/14) that I've worn out twice as I've just treated myself to the same in a smaller size plus the green and black (early birthday pressies!) Anyone interested? Have pics of it on, it looks fab and is soooo comfy!
I think you should treat yourself to something new, exfoliate all over and slick on some gorgeous body cream - put on your new gear with some hot shoes and use a little distraction to help your self consciousness. Walk purposefully in the room with confidence, ask you man to remain seated whilst you blindfold him and tie his hands (if you are both comfortable with this).
Then tease and caress him with different textures, feathers, velvet, leather, anything you can get your hands on! When you finally release his eyes or hands (or both) you will both be so aroused and you'll be feeling so masterful that your self consciousness will have evaporated!
Carly - you rock!
Fabulous advice as usual xx
I agree with sublime, fab advice Carly.
You need to do something you love doing to get fit again otherwise its going to be something you dread doing and therefore are less likely to do it!
I wanted to slim down slightly to go on hols in a couple of weeks, but i hate the idea of the gym or running, so my OH comes with me! I LOVE spending time alone with him where we can chat and have fun, and before I know it my work outs over and done with! Why don't you consider this with your OH tymedown? Its a great opportunity for bonding.
It helped us immensely, we were having problems and now because were spending time together doing something to better ourselves we feel so much closer, theres less arguing cause we both feel better about ourselves and i feel more "free" in the bedroom which is alllllways a good thing
Nic xx
TyMeDown wrote:
[...] i have problems with my ovaries - which is also making me "hold" weight around my middle and it just dont shift. [...] i have no confidence at all. Im at an all time low right now and would really like to get back to my old self, i love lingerie!! i love dressing up for him but i cant remember the last time i did as i dont feel comfortable with myself anymore. please help!!
[...] i have alot of babydolls and corsets, but even they dont make me feel good about myself. [...] so fed up of feeling like a frump
My experience with people who have feelings like this is that working out, changing clothes, and other external things tend to make very little difference, if any. You yourself acknowledge that sexy lingerie makes no difference to your state of mind.
One thing I'm wondering, which you didn't mention, is why do you feel so low, frumpy, and unattractive? I appreciate that you mentioned your premature babies (for which you have my most sincere sympathies), and your change in shape.
I think that it's perfectly legitimate for you to grieve and feel low about the situation you described with your children, but normally I wouldn't have thought that grief like this would necessarily lead to low personal confidence. I just don't see the connection in this instance. And about your shape - all kinds of people have all kinds of shapes, and in my experience, confidence usually isn't about body shape, it's about one's feelings about one's body shape, which is an entirely different thing. So I suspect that your frumpy low feelings of being unattractive are unrelated to your actual body shape.
So if you really want to change your feelings of low, frumpy unattractiveness, my first thought is to sit down with yourself and find out precisely what you're feeling low, frumpy and unattractive about. Since it's probably not grief, and probably not your shape, I think it's likely to be something else.
It might help your search if you consider what used to make you feel attractive and sexy and confident. You might ask yourself - Why do those things which I used to enjoy make me feel differently now? Or if they're gone, why aren't they there anymore? Where did they go?
Also, I'm wondering about post partum depression. Have you consulted your doctor about this? That might be worth doing, this whole thing might be something medical.
Good luck. I really feel for you. Please let us know how it goes? You have my best wishes for a speedy improvement.
I'm really sorry to read about your troubles, Tymedown. There's some awesome advice here already; I would agree with peeps who were advising exercise in whatever form is good for you. Even if it doesn't immediately change your weight, just feeling healthier in general should help and I believe exercising releases some sort of happy chemicals in your brain. (That wasn't very scientific, I'm afraid...I'm sure someone will come along who knows the actual science behind this!)
Also, it doesn't have to be a massive, hardcore exercise programme - when I've been really down I found it helped to just go for maybe a short 10 minute walk round the block and back, setting a definite, managable, achievable goal. When I felt a bit better I'd increase that goal a bit, and so on. It's like that with everything, I think. It's not so much the amount of something you do to make yourself feel better, it's the fact that you've done something.
That may have been utter trollocks, in which case I apologise. Anyway, best wishes and do let us know how you're getting on.
hi all thanks for all the replies. Again didnt expect anyone to reply!!
I have been trying to do atleast 30mins of exercise a day aswell as my usual walking etc and i do feel better in myself but when i look in the mirror i just dont feel sexy no matter what i have on or do. My hubbys great and is really understanding and we are working together to both get in shape - not that he needs too but hey hes supporting me. Over the last month my entire diet has changed, it had to for my health. Im also on tablets which make me throw my guts up atlest twice a day EVERYDAY so i dont think any of this is helping cus i just feel rubbish and drained.
Im seeing my doctor next week about this anyway and will maybe mention to her how down and out i feel.
im gonna take everything everyone has said on board and try and gt my self asteam back, i want to get my old self bac, the girl who would wear dareing clothes and was oozing confidence. im nearly in tears now so ill stop.. thx for the replies
You've had a tough time lately and i'm sorry.j
ust a thought, but i get the impression that its the self, the inner self thats not happy. I may be totaly wrong, and do apoligise if what i'm about to say doesn't help.
I've felt so down in the past that things always got on top of me and there didn't seem to be anything i could do to get out of that feeling of almost worthlessness. Things just didn't appear to be right, the body was awful, felt run down all the time, didn't sleep, everything was a huge effort to even try to do.
In the end ... i had to not only take each day s it came, but almost every hour.
I made a little list of things that had to be done. At first, nothing seemmed to get done, but a very good friend pointed out to me, it didn't matter at first, so long as i tried to do something, even looking in the mirror and saying to yourself, i can do this, at first just didn't make a difference, and even not looking in a mirror and saying didn't help either.
BUT
After a while, i did manage to do something on the list, and yes, it felt great which made me want to try to do a little more each time. It took a long time before the self confidence started to flow back inside, but it did.
Now feel pretty good in myself and with my appearance, lost a stone with the help of my OH. She has stood by me through thick and thin, god bless her. Yes i still have days where it feels like things aint going right, but she's always there to point out the good things instead.
Small steps forward, no matter how small, are steps forward.
oldbutalive - aww bless u, am nearly in tears thats kinda summed me up. I feel so useless, i mean i failed my kids when they needed me most. I nearly lost my youngest i was 3cm dilated at 23wks and when she was born she got taken away (which i new was gonna happen in all fairness cus they took my eldest away too) but she was 3hours away and i wasnt allowed to leave the hospital to go see if she got there ok, she then stopped breathing on my 18th birthday and i think in all fairness iv been on a downwards slope since then. Plus I was nearly raped by a guy i thought was my friend when i was pregnant.
On the brightside me hubby is brilliant, he knows how i feel about everything and tells me over and over that it wasnt my fault and there was nothing i could of done but it was my fault really, wasnt it. He tells me am gorgeous and sexy and still do it for him. In a way i believe him cus why else wud he be with a fruitloop like me lol i just dont have any believe in myself that i am/can be sexy or gorgeous and not a failure.
sorry for the rant, needed to get stuff off my chest. gonna make a list tomorrow!!! :) gotta get myself back
Hi Tymedown, could you consider something along the lines of voluntary work ie helping others???
TB
TyMeDown ..... you are NOT useless, and no need for an apoligy for the rant.
i thought of that myself, but hey, as you say... the brightside, your hubby.
He is right, as was my OH, we aren't useless, we are underneath good people that have forgotton what it is like to feel good in ourselves. The things that have happened in our life have affected us and we thought it was our fault that they happened and nobodies else's.
The hardest thing i found was to realise that this isn't the case in my situation, and the same applies for you. Your hubby is right, he sounds a wonderful man and take pride in the fact that he most certainly does love you and finds you gorgeous and sexy. You are not a fruitloop, if you were... what would that make him ? ? ? Give him a big long cuddle and kiss
Little steps at first :-)
TyMeDown, what a truly remarkable woman you are to still be standing after everything that has happened to you, I just hope that one day you realize it too!
All the advice on here is excellent, it always is but I really do agree with http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/members/lubyanka/ on this one. You've been through hell and to expect yourself to be up and running on full power this quickly is asking a lot.
You've given birth twice and then gone through the horrific ordeal of your children being too unwell to hold. This on it's own is enormous but to add to that, a serious sexual assault while pregnant is just horrendous. Do you realize that most women struggle with libido after childbirth, stress, sexual assault or depression on their own... But with all of them at the same time? I'm surprised you haven't put a barb wire fence round yourself.
May I offer you a little personal experience to hopefully assist you? I'm 31 an have been raped twice (Once by a stranger, once by a 'friend') and sexually assaulted once in my life, the sexual assault was actually a lot more traumatic. I was raped as a virgin at 16, at 21 while engaged to my husband and then assaulted (attempted rape that stopped because he was caught in the act) at 24 while I was on holiday with my husband and 2 year old daughter. These attacks nearly destroyed me but I kept telling my husband I was fine and wanted to continue our sex life because the attacks were 'about hurting someone and had nothing to do with us making love' so we carried on like nothing happened. I then started suffering with endometriosis and had breast cancer (sounds like a lot but it wasn't as serious as it is for some people). I had my right breast removed, lost and gained 5 stone in a year due to treatments and that pushed me over the edge with the way I viewed my body. I put a massive ban on touching of any sort, I was unable to even watch people kissing let alone think about sex. I kept my husband at arms length and told him I no longer wanted a sexual relationship with him, he accepted this and it went on for quite a while. We were very happy as a family and the intimate side of our relationship never really came up. One minute I was size 4/6 from all the chemo and then I was 16/18 from the steroids. I never looked in the mirror, or left the house unless it was a medical problem and I put it all down to my illness. In the end I needed to have a hysterectomy and I was so sad that we could no longer have children (we miscarried several over the years and our daughter was the only live birth we had) and I became even more depressed, I started self harming and abusing my pain killers. *BREATH* Sorry, this sounds like the most depressing story on earth but it gets better. I finally went to see a counselor (ironic as that's my job anyway but I never was smart enough to realize I need one myself) and after 6 months of work the light at the end of the tunnel stopped being a train and became sunlight. It turned out that I never recovered from being sexually assaulted and I needed to forgive myself and start to like me again. It took time and I, like you, felt useless and a failure. But with the counseling came a new understanding of things that had happened, how they affected me and how I would have to change to improve things. I'm still a size 16 but just recently I have developed an amazing new lust for life. I accept what happened was out with my control and I'm just happy that I lived through it and am still here.
Lovehoney was a saviour to my husband and I at this time. We came online to look at some new vibrators that my friends suggested for getting back into being intimate and it all took of from there. There were so many different types of vibrators and sex toys for me to choose, use and find what I now enjoyed on my own, before even thinking about letting my husband try. It felt amazing to give myself pleasure and gave me confidence that if I'm able to do it, then my husband would be able to as well. Now we're on here all the time buying new fun toys to play with and chasing each other round the house and making love. I truly believe it's only possible thanks to me loving myself again and nothing to do with my body.
As much as I agree with everyone else telling you to have a healthy eating regime (which really helps with moods anyway) and exercise (even better), I really do think you'd benefit from speaking to someone who has either been in your shoes or has a good understanding of what you went through. You really do have to love yourself inside and out. Everyone around you obviously loves you already. You made two children against the odds and survived a nasty, humiliating and traumatic attack by someone you trusted and you came through it. Your husband is standing by you and supporting you. The best thank you that you can give him is to give yourself a break and start to work on making you happy again. You're never going to be a bright eyed and bushy tailed teenager again. No, you're going to be a sexy wife, yummy mummy and one hell of a survivor. I hate the term 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' but it's very true.
I know I've talked on and on... and on :) but I hope something I, or indeed some else, has said on here makes you feel better. If you would like to talk more on a private basis then let me know and I'll leave you my email.
Keep your head up lady, I think you're pretty bloody amazing!
Ness XX
TyMeDown wrote:
oldbutalive - aww bless u, am nearly in tears thats kinda summed me up. I feel so useless, i mean i failed my kids when they needed me most. I nearly lost my youngest i was 3cm dilated at 23wks and when she was born she got taken away (which i new was gonna happen in all fairness cus they took my eldest away too) but she was 3hours away and i wasnt allowed to leave the hospital to go see if she got there ok, she then stopped breathing on my 18th birthday and i think in all fairness iv been on a downwards slope since then. Plus I was nearly raped by a guy i thought was my friend when i was pregnant.
On the brightside me hubby is brilliant, he knows how i feel about everything and tells me over and over that it wasnt my fault and there was nothing i could of done but it was my fault really, wasnt it. He tells me am gorgeous and sexy and still do it for him. In a way i believe him cus why else wud he be with a fruitloop like me lol i just dont have any believe in myself that i am/can be sexy or gorgeous and not a failure.
sorry for the rant, needed to get stuff off my chest. gonna make a list tomorrow!!! :) gotta get myself back
i want to say one thing first...
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR CHILDREN!!
that was the first thing i noticed about your post. you have brought your children into this world and nothing that has happened is your fault
i know that having children at a young age is difficult. im a little older than you, but i still felt that i had lost out on alot of things when my daughter was born. 2 and a half years later i still sometimes feel that way
but your life gets back together. you realise that any friends that you dont see anymore arent worth the effort. you make new friends (children are great ice-breakers) you start to realise that your other half still loves you and finds you attractive. the confidence returns, slowly but surely. migth take days, months, years. but it comes back!!
the only thing that will help it come back faster is talking. if its your mum or a stranger in the street. be open and honest with people you know, especially your hubby, shutting him out will be the worst mistake you will ever make. even if you think he wont like what you say, take the risk and blurt it out!!
join mum and baby groups, there is always someone there who has gone through something similar. speak to sure start, they always have some good coffee mornings/afternoons.
and i doubt you are, but if you are anywhere near manchester i can point you in the direction of a few good mummy things to do!!
hope this helps and hope we will see alot more of you posing on the forums! x
hiya thanks again for the replies.
oldbutalive - thank you so much your words make so much sense to me.
sex-nessie - i am so sorry for everything that you have been thru. My youngest is 2.5yrs now and i have to admit its only been in the last year or so me n hubby have opened up to each other. Turned out we were both putting on a front to try and be strong for the other, we have been so much better since we both broke down that day. We talk openly now about it all, and i do try to talk to other people but i am still a bit raw tbh and it dont help that iv just been told i prob cant have any kids. I think thats realy affecting me right now i mean am on just 20 and now it seems everything has been robbed from me.
poppy - thank you. youve kinda just written everything that i no i should do anyways but thank you for just confirmin it all lol
iv decided, weve not been away together since we first got together so im gonna work my butt off for the next month to lose weight, get my confidence up and feel and make myself sexy again and then we are going to have a dirty weekend away just the two of us. I am so excited!!
I think pretty much everything has been said on here already. You know what you've got to do, other than beating yourself up all the time. You probably have a good idea how to move forwards.
The only thing that is probably missing is that you need to give that fella of yours a great big hug, sounds like he deserves it. Not for 'putting up with you' but just for being there for you.
Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing x