So, 9 months down the line and a little bit of drama - we are parents!
For us, pregnancy was a bit of a head fuck - I couldn't get my head around sex with a little human inside my wife and her hormones meant that *if* I ever got in the mood she probably wasn't.
We made a grown up and sensible decision to basically back shelf that aspect of our lives until such time as we were ready - and actually this worked out really well. We had lots of grown up cuddles and intimacy, but no sex and no kink/bdsm. This also meant that I ringfenced any involvement with any kinky activities. We stopped doing events (not that we really have done a lot of these in the last couple of years), we reduced naked times. (or more specifically public naked times - other people are weird about pregnancy, so we just kept it indoors), I stopped buying my SO lingerie (it upset her and had the opposite effect) and we stopped frequenting things like LH, fetlife etc, or more specifically the forums and the product testing. We did, however, do a nude pregnancy shoot - and even I got my kit off for that one! (10/10 would recommend).
Since the birth was a little bit traumatic, and (look away parents to be) there was a little snip (our mid-wife was not impressed with our name for it :: Fanus) AND the fact that neither of us are sleeping - our sex lives (or more specifically the intimacy) is still on a hiatus :(
So, parents out there - particuarly ones who know what a fanus is - how did you deal with this time? What worked for you (kisses, bath time etc), and also what didnt work (is lingerie is still a no no at this time?)?
Congrats on your new arrival. I had 3 children very close together and so totally understand the blip in the sex drives. Parenting is tough and sleep deprivation can drive you up the wall. in the first few weeks you could have the hottest guy on the planet nude in front of me and id have chosen sleep overvsex anytime.
The snip you mention, is that refering to an episiotomy?
If so it can be a bit worrying about if its healed well, if its going to hurt when sex resumes ect
Some women heal very quick, others can get a bit of pain from it for quite a while after. (I was one of the unlucky ones who did get pain even a year on) There are corrective procedures if it did remain a problem
Id say wait until after any post natal checks usualy around 6-8 weeks and then take things very slow. She may feel anxious about how everything looks down there. Just reassurance her everything is still super sexy, and she will feel so much more confidence. If you both want to take it further then plenty of foreplay, and lube can help things feel less scary. And you might need to alter positions
If you both enjoy sexy lingerie you could when you feel up to it shop for some together. It certainly made me feel less mumsy and more in the mood.
You could if you feel up to it enjoy baths, cuddles together, if you can let her have a cat nap while you take bubba, and that extra sleep will mean so much to her.
Is she breastfeeding? If so that can really knock your sex drive due to the change in hormones. And it can make you feel a bit touched out due to feeling like a milk machine, especially when it feeld like babies feed all day and night but good news is things will get better.
If she is breastfeeding there are a few fab lingerie brands that are pretty and fairly sexy
I remember it well. Although I never had any snippage my first was over 9lb, overdue so she had very long nails and decided to be born like superman! Oh the scratches were awful. It took us a while to get onto the swing of things again. We were tiered, grumpy, I had postnatal depression and it was really difficult.
I was still in my massive comfy pants for a long time due to bleeding and my sagging tummy. I fid not feel attractive at all! Took me months to get back into the lingere then lo and behold the first time I wore my lacy knickers I was pregnant again!
Try find time to be alone, not to be mummy and daddy. Its difficult when they're small as you have only a few hours before its time to feed and change them. It will soon flow back naturally though. Promise!
Hormones will be out of wack for quite sometime. TBH I felt like I lost myself for a while in being a mum and shutting off my sexy side because I was too tired and stressed. I also felt like my body was not my own anymore. Take time and don't rush it is my advice.
The cut to her ladybits will heal quickly, but I found the slight scarring hindered my elasticity a bit so trying to get him in there could be a little painful! Plus her uterus will currently be going batshit crazy every time baby cries and oh god it's exhausting. But give it time, once you guys get into a routine with LO, and once she's stopped bleeding out the Red Sea, sex will come back. Takes longer for some women to rediscover the desire than others, but it will come back. For the time being, she will probably be more grateful for help with the baby and the household chores than sexual advances! Even giving her chance to just get showered and hair and makeup done in peace can do wonders for a new mum! Carry on with kisses and cuddles, gentle touches to let her know you're still there and still want her, tell her she's beautiful, but give it time. She'll let you know when she's ready 😄
Hi hello and welcome. Do you have some Turkish ancestry or is it the shape your referring to in the rare name .
Private and intimate time is very tough in the first year of a babies life.
Many will give lots of rules and ways to achieve it. I found snatching time after a baby has had a good feed and wind so they will sleep soundly is the best.
However most women are programmed to sleep when baby is quiet. Finding the effort and drive to do anything more can be exhausting.
We guys need to be understanding and try to do as many of the extra chores so when an hour can be shared it is.
My SO LOOOOVES Lingerie and actually one of the things shes really upset about is not being able to wear it. (not only because of the change of body shape, but the fact that there is still blood and other body fluids that can ruin). Personally I really don't care if something gets ruined, its easily replacable! That being said - she is breast feeding and Siren40, you mentioned some lingerie brands that support that - can you let me know any? Â (Apart from the obvious M&S, mothercare etc - which we found massively disapointing on the attractivness front)
RosyCheek - That sounds aweful! Our little man was only 2 days late (by the doctors due date) and 1 day early (by our due date calculated from the conception app). He was 8lb, and I too was surprised about the length of his nails! Unfortunately he was kinda dragged out instead of pushed out and luckily that was head first!
Vanessa8 - Yeah, the hormones are interesting. There was a 10 minute sobbing session because "poached eggs". Both one of the must funniest things, and heart breaking things I have seen in my life (imagine breakfast at tiffanies, but sobs instead of orgasms)
VioletWolf - Thanks for the great advice! Did you do anything to help with your elasticity, ie almond oil or anything else? To be clear I'm not after sex (I can have a 'long shower' to sort out that front), I'm just feeling very disconnected from my SO and I'm looking for things to do that will improve her mood and make her happy and bring us together. I did most of the chores and tidying and changing etc whilst I was off work but now I am back at work I have less time to help. Running baths, tidying up at night (putting the dirty nappies out, tidying up the nursary) etc is a given. She wants me to leave "jobs" for her to do during the day because shes getting bored, so hovering, washing up, gardening and cooking are all hers. Currently my list of "nice" things are: Take baby when I get home from work so she has 2 hours to herself (for sleep/bath/and hopfully in the future gym or shopping), Taking baby at 5am for 2 hours so that she can sleep. Sleeping in the spare room (because she cant sleep because shes worried the baby is waking me up - big contribution to feeling of seperation but at least I'm not a zombie at work!). Cooking all the things she couldn't have for the last year (poached eggs, rare steak, cold meats, pate etc). Getting the nursary set up for the night feeds (including clean clothes, blankets and bottles of water for her). Â Loads of compliments. Any other ideas that you tried out?
I think one the nicest brands for nutwins lingerie is Hotmilk
I think some of the department store stock some of the range, but you can get them online.
Freya also have some pretty, but decent supporting nursing bras.
Just reading all the stuff you have been doing to support and look after her, and id say your doing an amazing job. A lot of the up and down feelings are purely hormones, but obviously if they dont improve you could check to make sure theres not any post natal depression
Do you feel she might be a bit traumatised by the delivery? Its fairly common, we tend to build up in our heads and on our birth plan our idea of the perfect delivery. When it doesn't go to plan it can really leave us shaken. You can request a debrief with midwife who can talk you through the event and help to fill In any blanks make sense of what happened. My first was a very long back to back labour, she then got stuck and had to be turned and delivered by forceps, so I too had an extended cut (ouchy) I actually felt fine and in control, but my hubby was in pieces and terrified.
Good news was 2nd time around i had twin boys, and they just popped out with no problems lol
I think one the nicest brands for nutwins lingerie is Hotmilk
I think some of the department store stock some of the range, but you can get them online.
Freya also have some pretty, but decent supporting nursing bras.
Thanks for the awesome ideas - I'll take a look into these at the weekend. As for PND, the midwife has been a few times and thinks its just hormones too. All the crying stuff is usually over happy things (like poached eggs). The delivery wasn't perfect, but actually we'd made a lot of "plans" to cope with that beforehand. We've been through a lot together and I'm sure we've both had PTSD seperately, so good for looking out for the warnings.
Also nutwins! Spent a while trying to figure that out (based on fanus) and failed until I read your next message!