Hi everyone I’ve read a few posts now and everyone seems really nice and helpful so I thought I’d ask for a bit of advice myself . It’s a bit of a long post, but I feel it’s all necessary!
So basically, I can’t orgasm. I was never really bothered about sex when I was younger. I had a couple of boyfriends in my teens and we would do stuff but I was never really turned on so I’d only do it cause they wanted to and it was pretty much just finger/hands foreplay and missionary. I then went just over 7 years being single with no sex or masturbation - I just had no interest. Then last May I met my current boyfriend. Within a few weeks I was actually wanting to have sex and we were trying new things. It was really great and I was like a different person but I could never orgasm. I know it can be hard for some women though and I was enjoying myself so I just put it to the back of mind. Everything was fine until we had a talk about sex earlier on this year and I mentioned this. He felt really bad that he had never made me orgasm and even though I assured him what he was doing was great and it was just me, he insisting that he was going to do whatever it takes to make it happen for me. I couldn’t object to that! The obvious option seemed to be to introduce toys. The first vibrator we tried seemed to be working, but I think we got a bit carried away and rough in the excitement and it ended up really hurting me. I was scared to try anything else for a couple of weeks (I think he was too, he was devastated at the thought he’d hurt me) and we’ve had a couple of times when I’ve hurt a little bit since, but we gradually got me over this. We’ve now tried various wands, bullets, eggs, ect and although they get me going way more than he can alone, I still can’t orgasm! I have this one wand and a clit and g-spot vibrator that get me very, very close but don’t quite tip me over the edge. I know I’m almost there so it really frustrates me that it’s not happening. I feel like this and the pressure I’m putting on myself is what’s preventing it from happening but I don’t know how to sort it. I know seeing a therapist might be the answer, but I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation or might be able to suggest anything we could try before I resort to this please? Thank you
You are probably right, the pressure you
re putting on yourself is the very thing holding you back. Im no expert, but you need to not focus on it, just relax and let it happen, or not happen. Sex is not a competition. Speaking from my experience, the Womanizer is a non-pentetrative clit stimulating toy. My OH has orgasm after orgasm with hers. Maybe get yourself one, use it alone at first, have a couple of drinks to relax yourself and loosen any inhibitions, and don
t worry/focus on the endgame, if youre on the verge of cumming, just relax and let it happen. I"m sure some of our female members have better advice than me, so hopefully they"ll reply too! Good luck!
@AshK I guarantee you there will be people who have been or are still in the same position so you will receive a lot of advice.Have you tried on your own? it might just be that the pressure of trying to orgasm and also please your boyfriend is actually holding you back.A few solo sessions with no pressure at all might just help.
What helped us is to really slow down, take some time to explore your whole body not just the obvious areas and find what you enjoy doing solo (and after with your partner) without the intention to orgasm (this can help ease some of the pressure off) and work out what you like and what parts of your body make you feel good. Looking up and practicing breathing techniques can really help too.
Toy wise have you tried the womanizer? It’s a completely different sensation to traditional vibes and may help used along side penetration it’s amazing!
Often it’s a mental block though and previous negative associations with sex/ pleasure can really impact us when it comes to orgasms, if so therapy is probably a good option.
when I first started out having sex I never orgasm. It’s only when I started exploring my own body I realised I cannot orgasm through penetration sex. Explore yourself first before asking anyone else to make you come. Do you orgasm through clit stimulation or G spot? Do you like to be mentally aroused first or physically aroused? Role play fantasy vs sex toys etc. Speeds and rhythm are important too x
@WillC @Onlyones @Llyahl @anon16818370 Thank you all for your advice. You’ve pretty much said the same thing about trying to relax and going solo - it’s exactly what my boyfriend keeps saying as well! To be honest the idea of masturbation just doesn’t appeal to me but I think I’ll just have to push myself out of my comfort zone and give it a go. I never thought I’d be bothered about toys though and I love them so I may surprise myself! I’m more of a clit than penetration girl so the womaniser sounds like it’s definitely worth a try! Thank you again
Take your time @AshK there really is no rush hopefully if you can get past this on your own then you will be more relaxed and able to guide your boyfriend in what really works for you.Once mastered it will last you a lifetime ,Good luck.
The fact that masturbating doesn’t appeal to you, is likely the problem. We aren’t all built the same. As said previously, explore your body alone without the pressure of your boyfriend being present. See what you like and what gives you the best pleasure.
Thank you @Onlyones I do talk to my boyfriend about it and luckily he’s really patient and understanding - it’d be so much worse if that wasn’t the case! I think it is just a cause of me taking some time to figure out what works for me and hopefully it’ll work out for us both in the long run.
@WillC It’s really not ideal in this situation, is it?! Like I said though,l I’m just gonna have to give it a go. I think your suggestion of having a couple of drinks first is definitely a good idea!
When you work it out for yourself and then when you are ready include him he is going to feel like a million dollars.
Anything to help relax you and just let things happen naturally without worrying about the end result. @As
I would definitely agree with exploring by yourself first, and even then don’t put pressure on yourself to climax! Getting to orgasm is definitely in part a psychological thing like you said, so any pressure etc will impact that. If you’re new to masturbation and don’t like the idea of watching porn/it doesn’t appeal to you, then I would really recommend audio porn or erotic writing. I personally prefer theses as I feel like I can imagine it’s me or relate it to something that’s happened before. This should also help to distract you from the feeling of “I need to cum now”.
Self pleasure will also give you the opportunity to explore different positions. For example, if you’re usually laying on your back try it on your front/side. Think about your environment too and paying attention to all the different erongenous zones - you may need multiple stimulation!
The two toys you mentioned that get you very very close were the wand and the clit & g spot vibrator. Have you tried inserting something whilst using the wand? It may be that you need both internal stimulation and intense clit stimulation. Perhaps the vibrations on the clit & g spot toy isn’t quite enough for you but you enjoy the sensation of dual stimulation (I definitely do!). Just an idea, I may be completely wrong!
I would definitely recommend seeking professional advice though if it starts to impact you negatively or you just need some advice from someone who really knows their stuff!
Remember to go slow and be kind to yourself. As long as you are having a good time that is the main thing
@SexInTheCity I never considered trying anything like that. Maybe not porn but I feel like I might enjoy erotic writing, and the idea of picturing myself in it sounds like it’s worth try!
We have tried different positions and multiple stimulation and it does help but still isn’t quite enough! I had an egg in with my wand last week which I really thought might do it but sadly not.
It’s not really having too much of a negative impact at the minute but I do sometimes worry it could get to that point, so that’s another thing on my mind which is adding to it all! I’ll see how I get on with everyone’s advice over the new couple of months but I am open to seeing a therapist if I feel I need to.
I think that’s the main thing I need to take on board, just enjoy it and let the rest follow! Thank you
Hi @AshK if you think stories might help you could try these two sites
I think exploring with your boyfriend and by yourself is the way to go, but orgasm doesn’t need to be the goal. I think you need to take the pressure off a certain outcome and just relax and do what feels good. And keep talking to each other. That’s all that counts - the rest will follow, possibly when you least expect it. Any time together where the focus is just on what feels pleasurable and letting each other know is time well spent.
As others have said, not everyone climaxes through penetrative sex and women often need a mix of clitoral and internal stimulation. It can take a lot longer than many people think for some women to be turned on enough to be ready for sex. Try foreplay for 45 mins? And use lots of lube. This is all while putting thoughts of orgasm to one side.
Lots of couples enjoy sex even if they don’t orgasm. It is great when you do, and it will happen, but not everyone orgasms every time, even if they know each other well - life gets in the way. Emotional intimacy and sensual pleasure are what matter, long term.
I agree with others that erotic writing might be a turn on - especially if it is written with women’s pleasure in mind. In fact, for many women, sexual arousal starts in the mind…
If you decide to explore more with toys, alone or with your partner, then again - lots of time and lots of lube.
Not everyone masturbates, but it can be a good way of finding out how your body works sexually.
And your boyfriend sounds like a great guy! Good luck to you both.
@WillC this is great advice. But I’d like to add that I find too much wine can dampen sexual response / orgasm, both alone and with a partner - and I’m a wine glugger (I mean, or course, that I enjoy a fine grape…).
We often take that fine grape up with us to share (v good if it has fizz - a good oral aid generally, from cava kisses onwards).
But downing a few glasses to relax tends to be counter-productive on the orgasm front (even though I get a good night’s sleep)
OK @Ian_Chimp. I’ll try taking this to The Sandbox rather than interrupt the Thread (Topic?).
Great idea about the literature and I have found that writing erotic stories turns me on hugely (to the point of starting a blog and writing my own fantasy stories).
If you are creative and have some kinks and specific likes or even places that you like you can write something around it it can be as explicit as you want and mine are very explicit and written like it is me in the scene lol
Just a different option but I find it helps me mentally explore what I think I will like and not like and build from there and it does make me incredibly horny and ready for sex lol
I am also a huge advocate for alone time and I don’t necessarily think about what I am doing but I feel everything and take in the sensations and that alone gets me up to orgasm
There was one set of books I constantly revisited when I was exploring myself and they are the Jilly Cooper books, I was a horsey girl growing up and they appealed for their link to horses and for being rather raunchy and sometimes quite kinky lol