It’s how you see sex…it’s a pleasureable game for us to enjoy with another (or others) It doesn’t always have to equal a full on relationship.
It is possible to enjoy another sexually and not get feelings. Like a good team player that sexually you work with but it wouldn’t work in other areas…
We’re all different in how we see and enjoy sexual relationships.
Having that intimate connection with someone and enjoying each others bodies has to be better than masturbation and if you haven’t got time for or don’t want a committed relationship and it works for both parties then it’s all good.
Sex is just sex. Sure, you can have sex with deep connection and feelings (and for some people they need that). However, for me I can also have sex without “feelings”. That doesn’t mean there isn’t respect or mutual understanding (in fact, that’s a must) but I can understand that my partner finds other women attractive and he enjoys having sex with them. That doesn’t reduce his attraction to me. Likewise, I find other people attractive and want to pursue them. Again, it doesn’t change my feelings for him.
I believe this is why cheating is seen as the ultimate betrayal in monogamous relationships. It’s not the act of sex it’s the betrayal and the deception and the anxiety that people feel there is something wrong with them or, something they can’t give their partner. I knew I long, long time ago that you can’t get all your needs met by 1 person. Why do you think we have multiple friends? I also hate the idea someone expects everything from me.
Re: masturbating v sex without a connection. That just, doesn’t make sense to me? Sure, if it’s bad sex or they are a dick, masturbating would be better but what if they listened and were great in bed and you could have greag sex and then go about your day without worrying if they will text or fretting if you will see them again? Doesn’t that sound amazing?!
Just wondered if you managed to improve things in your marriage @horizontal_refreshment? I am in a similar situation and a therapist once made the same suggestion to me - I also didn’t want to go down that route. Hope things are going well for you now whatever you chose to do xx
I think open relationships only work well in rare circumstances, where everyone involved is in the same mind set. This just wouldn’t work for me and for me it’s not about the sex it’s about the fact I find it hard now to juggle everything so adding new relationships into the mix would never be possible. Also I need that connection with someone to start anything sexual with and as I would never have time to meet anyone it just wouldn’t be possible.
I also like belonging to just my partner, I enjoy that I’m his and his only. It would sort of take my submission away from him and I would hate that.
The sex part of it wouldn’t bother me about my partner but I know he also needs connection and I wouldn’t like he shared connections about himself to someone else either. I like being the one he tells everything to and I’m the person he trusts the most.
Good luck to anyone who it works well for but it’s a nope from me.
For me (husband here) I know I would not be able to deal with it. The jealousy would get me.
The fantasy of threesomes and wife with other men is lovely and very sexy but for me it needs to remain a fantasy.
Real sex (as opposed to fantasy) for me, and I think I can speak for my wife, is all about attraction, lust and connection. The idea that my wife felt that for someone else would not be good for me. Maybe it is a failing in me but that is the truth.
Hi @Kitty-Cat01. Thanks for your message. Sorry you’re going through it too. I’m afraid we are on a trial separation now and I don’t think we are going to fix it. It’s very sad but I’m over the grief of losing the relationship at this point as we have been going through various therapy for the last 2 years. Just need to figure a way forward that’s best for our child now.
How are things for you? Do you think there’s a chance for you? We had other things going on in the relationship as well which has added to my decision. Wasn’t just about the physical intimacy. Is your relationship good otherwise?
Sorry to hear that @horizontal_refreshment, the most important thing is to do what feels right for you. The rest of our relationship is fine, just the intimacy that isn’t. To be honest, I’ve just decided to accept it for the moment, I’m not in a good enough place to address the issue at the moment and it only leads to more problems when I talk about it. I hope we can improve things in the future but I’m not sure.
I’ve spoken about it before in monogamous relationships, so I won’t repeat myself. But a YouTuber I follow named Khadija Mbowe recently posted a video on relationships that I thought was really interesting (critiquing ideas of amatonormativity really).
@Kitty-Cat01 thanks. It is what it is.
Yeah get yourself in the right headspace to tackle it but I found the longer I left it the harder it’s been. But you’re right you need to feel able to deal with it whatever the outcome. I hope it’s just a short phase that you’ll be able to resolve without too much struggle. X
I have a friend who was in an open relationship. It worked for a while and neither of them got jealous until she admitted one of the men she’d slept with made her orgasm during sex (something he hadn’t done).
