I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me. I very, very rarely manage to orgasm with a partner. I’m relaxed, turned on, enjoying the experience, but it just doesn’t happen. I can do it alone without difficulty. The difference is that alone I can fantasise about whatever I like and I seem to need that mental stimulation. But with a partner I focus on enjoying the experience, which I love. But it rarely seems compatible with an orgasm. I don’t really mind myself but I’ve had partners who really, really want to please me that way. So is there any way I can train myself to come more easily?
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Hey,
I look back now and realise how many orgasms I missed out in because I didnt have the confidence to tell the guy what i needed. I was having sex way before I was masturbating so discovered a lot later on. I find I need clitoral and g spot stimulation to have an orgasm.
Is there something you could ask your partner to do during sex that you do yourself when solo?
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Is there anything about your fantasies that you can incorporate into sex with a partner? It might help you to bring your fantasies and real life together.
I always thought I needed fantasies to be able to orgasm but i did a bit of experimenting and it turns put that I don’t. It does however take much, much longer, like an hour and a half!! I did practice for a while and the time it took to orgasm whilst just enjoying the sensation reduced to about 45 mins. I wonder whether, with more practice, it’s possible to teach your brain to enjoy the sensations rather than relying on fantasies? Might be worth a bit of experimenting if you ever get a couple of hours to yourself?
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That’s interesting. And there are worse things to practise!
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What a great question. As a guy our orgasms are quicker and more spontaneous. With a lady it does seem that olgasams take longer, so much is in the mind. The clitoris is wonderful, so tasty and great to suck. Then go from there, into the vagina while always rubbing the clitoris, that always works.
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Not for all women. I hate having my clit rubbed shudder
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I think this is a more common thing than many realise and alas in ways it is mostly mind over matter for some… have you already tried anything to see if it helps or?
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Thanks for sharing that. You might well be right. I’ll think more about it.
Thank you. I experimented solo last night and did get there without going into my usual fantasies (none of which I’d actually want to happen).
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That’s great. I wouldn’t want any of my fantasies to come true either - I think it’s quite common to want to keep them separate from real life.
This is starting to really get me down. My partner deserves so much better and I’m starting to feel a bit broken.
You’re not broken…sometimes things take time…and life gets in the way.
You’ll get there.
Hugs
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You’re not broken @LearningLate. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Maybe they can reassure you? I know you want to stay in the moment when you’re with your partner but you could try using fantasies when you’re with him. Can you ask him to touch you in a certain way that you like and then use your fantasies to help you orgasm. I often ask my husband to touch my nipples for me whilst i’m masturbating and i’ll use my fantasies to orgasm. It does mean that i’m not connecting with him in the same way but he doesn’t mind and enjoys being part of my playtime.
The only other thing i would suggested is counselling - i’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with your relationship but a sex therapist might be able to give you some advice and if it’s affecting your happiness and general mood then it might be worth a try.
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Please speak to them. I promise you, if they are a worthy person they will support you.
I told my guy something last night that I was super anxious about (following on from Asking FWB for TLC) and his response: you don’t have to worry you fine girl. We can go at whatever pace you want and make sure you are comfortable 
I cried. I fucking cried because for the first time ever a male partner RESPECTED MY BOUNDARY. My trust in him has just multiplied and he is even sexier rn (I did not think that was possible).
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@LearningLate, IMHO you are over thinking this and are making yourself miserable in the process and also making the chances of having an orgasm with your partner even more elusive.
Be kind to yourself. It would appear that orgasms through penetrative sex alone are a relatively rare thing, so the fact it isn’t happening means that you are part of a fairly large club.
Whilst it is clearly important to you, it isn’t the be all and end all, most myself included have a great sex life without the pressure to orgasm everything we have sex, we enjoy the time and the closeness, if an orgasm through sex occurs great, if it doesn’t so what, as long as we have had a fulfilling time together.
If we do not achieve mutual orgasms through sex, then we will play with sex toys on each other or masturbate in front of each other to full satisfaction, it does not make the experience any less loving or intense.
Please talk with your partner about your concerns, I am sure that you would be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
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