Painful Penetration HELP

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi there!

I've always had pain during penetration and I was wondering if I am not alone and if not what you guys do about it! I have had sex with my last boyfriend, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted nor was I fully aroused. Although being on top meant the pain subsided after a few minutes which I don't understand! He left me because I couldn't "perform" so I thought I would try and "train" myself using some of love honey's toys. I've bought love therapy balls and so far (after my first go tonight) I managed to get one of the balls in (which to me is pretty fantastic!!!!) although it was uncomfortable and I failed to sit down properly -_-. Still I couldn't get the second in, it hurt far too much even with a lot of lube!

I've also bought a realistic dildo to go around it another way and so far I've managed about two inches of it before it get's painful.

Once I try with the toys I feel a burning sensation on the lower outer part of my vagina and then I just have to stop. I've never worn tampons so I wouldn't know about them either. It's just it's frustrating to not be able to do it! I expected it to hurt to begin with because it always has, especially my first time, although a few minutes into it it mellowed out, weeks (possibly months) later it got worse to the point where 10 minutes of it would make me cry underneath him.

I'm annoyed at myself to a point and but I am determined to get the second ball in and to adapt better to it - maybe in the bath? Lol.

Do you have any similar problems? If so, how are you / did you manage with it?

HELP!

2

Hi!

Firstly, welcome to the forum - there's a lot of lovely people on here who will hopefully be able to offer advice and suggestions.

I can completely empathise with your situation, as I used to experience pain every time I had penetrative sex with my boyfriend (or even with toys). I was a late starter when it came to sex, mainly through lack of opportunity at Uni (too busy for boyfriends), so despite a little bit of fooling around at school and with the occasional FWB, I would class myself as a virgin up until I was 27. I knew my BF from school, so things progressed pretty quickly and the first time we tried to do it, I think I was so nervous that my body just shut down completely and even trying slowly and gently with lube was incredibly painful. I got quite upset about it really, as I'd just thought that

3

Sorry - silly iPad posted before I was finished...

Anyway, I assumed that maybe it would just hurt the first time, and then all would be well... But no. I was terrified that my bf would get bored of waiting, but he put no pressure on me, and stopped whenever he saw me wincing, even when I suggested he just 'plough on' and try to break through the pain.

I'm naturally very tight, so I bought a Lovehoney Slimline Silicone rabbit vibrator to try to practice and help train myself to relax and 'stretch', having tried a LadyLustfinger which I found really painful (very rigid material and quite a pointy end)...when I first tried, I could only insert the very tip, but found that by making sure I was sufficiently aroused (using just the ears on my clit to start with) and plenty of lube, I finally managed to get the whole shaft in. I still have to warm up to it now, but learning what angles work for me has really helped when translating it to actual sex.

It still took a long time and a lot of patience to be able to have sex with my bf without any pain at all, and to be honest, we have never been able to start in missionary position as that really doesn't work for me. We generally start with me on top so that I control the angle/depth, and then progress to doggy style (I have my legs closed and lie flat). I found that when I'm on top, if he teases my clit, I suddenly relax and he can get all the way in, then that's me 'sorted' for the rest of the session.

I bought some of the beginners Ben wa balls, but I haven't managed to get them in as they are so rigid and feel too big for me, so am considered getting something smaller (Lelo Luna do some), to try to help train my muscles more.

I think my best piece of advice would be not to put pressure on yourself when experimenting: it just makes everything tense up, and then it's even more frustrating. I kept thinking that there must be something wrong with me, and that I'd never be able to have sex properly, let alone enjoy it, so just keep trying - it'll happen! One thing I'd suggest typing into the forum search is 'vaginismus' - it should bring up a list of threads discussing painful penetration and other people's advice which has really helped me.

Good luck!

4

The cause is most likely to be lack of preperation/foreplay or Vaginismus where stress causes involuntary spasm of the vagina which causes it to be very tight.

You really need to see a doctor to rule out physical causes of pain such as

  • Vaginal infections. These conditions are common and include yeast infections.
  • Problems with the cervix (opening to the uterus). In this case, the penis can reach the cervix at maximum penetration, so problems with the cervix (such as infections) can cause pain during deep penetration.
  • Problems with the uterus. These problems may include http://www.webmd.boots.com/women/guide/uterine-fibroids that can cause deep intercourse pain.
  • http://www.webmd.boots.com/women/guide/endometriosis. A condition in which the endometrium (tissue lining the uterus) grows outside the uterus.
  • Problems with the ovaries. Such problems might include cysts on the ovaries.
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease. The tissues deep inside become badly inflamed and the pressure of intercourse causes deep pain.
  • Vulvodynia . Women with vulvodynia suffer chronic vulval pain. Generalised vulvodynia is pain in different areas of the vulva which occurs at different times. Vestibulodynia or vulval vestibulitis is pain in the vestibule which is the entrance to the vagina.
5

My relationship started like this too, and we also did many of the medical tests listed above..... Negative for all.

Most importantly, this will also, in my opinion, be about relaxing yourself and learning more about your body. It is a great step buying those toys (you can get single Keegal balls on here too you know!) and the small slimline style dildos are great too.

Try using an anal butt plug (thinner) in your vagina instead to lessen the invasiveness. Working on your alone time will help boost your confidence. Perhaps explain all this to your partner too. Have him lick you out to orgasm, perhaps using one finger and allow yourself to be lost with him. I would hope he'd like the control and you enjoying yourself..... Then finish by getting him off instead. That way no penetration is involved in that session and you will have loosened and relaxed to sex a bit more. Use plenty of lube too, plenty of foreplay, and enjoy your body. I am sure that in time things will work out. :)

7

Hello,

my personal recommendation would be to really see GP about possible checks. There are some conditions which can cause this. I know its not easy to talk to doctor about having painful sex, but its nothing they did not hear about before and they can suggest what can be checked so a problem is ruled out.

I my experience, as I also had this problem, but not as painful like this, my pain always went away after a second, it was just getting used to being penetrated. What I tried to do was start Kegel exercises, it helps to relax your muscles. You can try it without any balls inside. Just tighten your pelvic floo muscles (the muscles used to stop during pee) and hold them for few seconds and relax and do it again. Repeat few times and do it again the next day. Alternatively you can buy the single Kegel ball, there are some available on Lovehoney.

The Luna beads set is alo great, especially the Mini version. You can easily use just one ball, without the other, and add the second when you are comfortable trying so. If you choose Lelo Lune, then definitely go for the Mini version, the original is about 1/3 bigger than the Mini (I have both, so can compare).

Smaller vibrators can help too and for some using glass or steel is better, as they go more easily in, but they are rigid, so may not be the best option for you.

Otherwise I can just advise to try to relax, take your time, do things slowly and more importanly, be aroused when trying. The more the better. And have lube closeby to use if needed. Being aroused makes you more relax and makes penetration much easier. And do not let a man push you into anything. if he really cares, he will listen to you and try to help as much as he can. Of course you can try non penetrative fun first, so you are comfortable with him before going further.

8

lube lube and more lube.... if u not aroused then u wont be lubed up au naturelle.

my gf and some ex's had this prob but i think lube can work wonders. wanting sex tho is something that helps but if painful you not likely to want..

lube

9

Laveila, thank you for your suggestions, I have been looking at the mini Luna beads and appear to be much smaller than the therapy balls I already have. I will purchase when I get paid! Thank you so much.

Also, thank you all for your advice and stories, looks like there is light at the end of the tunnel xD

10

I have had the exact same problem for a long time. I cant remmeber what its called but its when you have spasms in your vaginal muscles. Then because its caused you pain it causes anxiety then gets even worse. With ex's in the past i used to just get them to lube up and go for it as i hated letting them down but this would cause really bad pain even hurting sitting down after.

I would highly recomend seeing a doctor, i had an examination to check that everything was fine and she said it was basically caused from axiety from sex. I now have a new partner and in love for the first time ever. I explained my problem to him and hes very understanding. He takes time with foreplay and really makes sure im in the mood before doing anything. If somthing hurts he stops and will do somthing else. After a few weeks things blossomed and i now have no pain at all :)

Please go see a doctor and dont feel like its you. This sounds like its your thinking rather than physical problem. If someone leaves you because of performance then theyre not worth it. When you find someone special who you are 100% comfortable with and trust then the way you think before sex will change i promise :)

11

Also, lube is not the solution. From experience, no matter how much lube you use if your not in the mood or feeling anxious about penetration then it still hurts so bad x

12

SexynShy wrote:

Laveila, thank you for your suggestions, I have been looking at the mini Luna beads and appear to be much smaller than the therapy balls I already have. I will purchase when I get paid! Thank you so much.

Also, thank you all for your advice and stories, looks like there is light at the end of the tunnel xD

You welcome and by the looks at measuremenet, they are smaller. The Vibe Theraby are on the larger end of Kegel exercisers. As you are tight, you should be checking the size of the toys and pick smaller toys with less girth.

I know the Luna beads are bit more expensive, but I think they are worth the money, as they offer lot of variaty. You can wear one and you can pick from 2 weights, or you can wear both and pick from 3 weight combinations. So I take it as an investment.

I wish Alicia was still on forum, she has the same problem, but for medical reasons and she could give you more advise on how to deal with painful penetration. Also she has been with her partner for years and they are engaged, so yes, there are men, who will support the woman through such problems. Generally it means you focus more on non penetrative sex, and work on the problem with the painful penetration in the meantime.

13

MissNaughty<3 wrote:

I have had the exact same problem for a long time. I cant remmeber what its called but its when you have spasms in your vaginal muscles. Then because its caused you pain it causes anxiety then gets even worse. With ex's in the past i used to just get them to lube up and go for it as i hated letting them down but this would cause really bad pain even hurting sitting down after.

I would highly recomend seeing a doctor, i had an examination to check that everything was fine and she said it was basically caused from axiety from sex. I now have a new partner and in love for the first time ever. I explained my problem to him and hes very understanding. He takes time with foreplay and really makes sure im in the mood before doing anything. If somthing hurts he stops and will do somthing else. After a few weeks things blossomed and i now have no pain at all :)

Please go see a doctor and dont feel like its you. This sounds like its your thinking rather than physical problem. If someone leaves you because of performance then theyre not worth it. When you find someone special who you are 100% comfortable with and trust then the way you think before sex will change i promise :)

Laveila wrote:

SexynShy wrote:

Laveila, thank you for your suggestions, I have been looking at the mini Luna beads and appear to be much smaller than the therapy balls I already have. I will purchase when I get paid! Thank you so much.

Also, thank you all for your advice and stories, looks like there is light at the end of the tunnel xD

You welcome and by the looks at measuremenet, they are smaller. The Vibe Theraby are on the larger end of Kegel exercisers. As you are tight, you should be checking the size of the toys and pick smaller toys with less girth.

I know the Luna beads are bit more expensive, but I think they are worth the money, as they offer lot of variaty. You can wear one and you can pick from 2 weights, or you can wear both and pick from 3 weight combinations. So I take it as an investment.

I wish Alicia was still on forum, she has the same problem, but for medical reasons and she could give you more advise on how to deal with painful penetration. Also she has been with her partner for years and they are engaged, so yes, there are men, who will support the woman through such problems. Generally it means you focus more on non penetrative sex, and work on the problem with the painful penetration in the meantime.

MissNaughty<3 wrote:

Also, lube is not the solution. From experience, no matter how much lube you use if your not in the mood or feeling anxious about penetration then it still hurts so bad x

Most definately not! I've used loads and it doesn't help, sure it makes the entrance more slippery but, 2 inches in it does nothing to help the pain.

Also I have been paid today and I have ordered the smaller beads, the pink and blue ones? I thought the ones I bought were the size of a similar one I was looking at, I think I ordered the wrong ones, still after progressing (which seems like which will happen since it's all happening to you) I might be able to use them to get used to bigger penetration.

I do think it's all in my head! I've never had a nice experience with my first boyfriend, he was rough and didn't bother to try and turn me on - just ploughed on and didn't care about how I felt! So the raw pain of just having something like that is what makes me a bit nervous, anticipating the pain before it comes. Hopefully these new little beads I've bought will make things feel much nicer. I heard/read they make you WANT it (which is what I need), I do think about sex, but when it comes down to it the shutter goes down...fancy a movie instead? Lol

14

From my experience with this problem i dont think playing alone with help. Iv used toys for a few years and never had pains inserting them. I had it literally with guys. Are you currently in a relationship? I would say if not then have a break from sex, nothing casual. Just become comfortable with yourself. I promise it will get better if you take your time finding the right partner. There is no point having sex for the sake of a guy if you get nothing from it. Id look more into foreplay and really find out your fetishes and what really gets you going. Then when the right partner comes along you know what youd like to get you really going. If your relaxed and hes hitting the right buttons you will have no problem :)

Again i would suggest you see your gp just incase it is physical and not mental x

15

No, I'm not currently in a relationship, my last one was two years long (with the guy i mentioned above) So i'm having me time! The Luna beads Laveila suggested have arrived today and I've just put a single one in and it was so much easier! It's comfortable but makes a rattling sound though but still It didn't hurt putting it in and It feels okay two minutes after putting it in. I'm pleased already xD

16

yay glad to hear your feeling better about it already! :D You dont ever need to do anything your not comfortable with! Enjoy :) x

17

Thank you so much! :)

18

Yes, they can make bit of noise, thats true. But I can barely hear it and actually they dont make it constantly. Not sure what it depends on.

But I am glad you are pleased with them. I hope you enjoy using them, I know I do enjoy using mine.

19

If I walk quickly they jinggle, but if I walk slowly they make no noise, we can hear it more than anyone else because it's inside us probably. I would prefer a silicone string to pull them out, it's a little tough to take them out and I'm nervous that the string will break!

They were great, a tiny bit of pain on removal but nothing lasting longer than two seconds :)

I am very pleased thank you very much for recommending them :) x