Hi newbie here! Got a question I'm desperate to find some answers for and I thought the good folks on LH might be able to help...
Bit of backstory, been with my man 4 1/2 months, everything is fantastic (dare I say perfect) except for one thing, which unfortunately I don't seem to be able to get over.
He hates giving oral sex, and unfortunately I love recieving it, in fact it is my favourite thing in the bedroom, I actually prefer it to penatrative sex sometimes. When we first got together he said he didn't really like doing it but I took that to mean I wouldn't get it very often which was fine. However after a bit of an arguement because I was so frustrated about not getting any last night he has since told me it "physically distresses" him to give oral, and so obviously I don't want him to do something that makes him feel like that.
Aside from the oral sex we have a good sex life, but not good enough for me never to want oral sex. We have a great relationship and I love him too much to look elsewhere behind his back or leave him but these were the options he gave me last night. If I cheat he'll leave me and if I want oral that badly I'll have to leave him. Neither of these situations are viable options for me.
So my question is, what can I do? Or are there any alternatives/toys that can replicate the feeling you get from oral sex?
Sorry for the essay, just desperate for advice :(
Hi and welcome to the forums
Havent used it but this is designed to replicate oral http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17045
xGGx
what are the reasons for him not liking it? have you tried smearing food other your body to lick off you if its the taste that puts him off
How about the sqweel http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17045 although it's much much better if you use an addon with it such as http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=19996
Yes, it is a bit pricey but if it's a big thing in your sex life it'll be worth it.
Why don't you do some sexual theapy to see if you can sort out the situation?
If you don't, try shaving.
Also make sure to keep yourself clean as that can be a put-off aswell.
Good luck xx
Well he told me at first it was the smell/taste (not me personally, just in general). So I make sure I keep myself scrupulously clean and completely clean shaved to make it is appealing as possible. I also suggested flavoured lube, which he seemed fairly keen on and said we could try it, but hasn't so far.
Then last night he told me he finds vaginas very unattractive and unappealing (again in general not me personally). He has also said I never have to give him a blowjob again because it isn't fair he gets oral and I don't. But then we are both suffering (not that he seems bothered because apparently he isn't that fussed about blowjobs, but thats another issue)
Why don't you try it with the lights off, then candle light and build it up.
And put some flavoured lube at the side x
I think the outcome of our arguement last night is that he is now flat out refusing to even try oral with me. Despite his promises he "hasn't been able to bring himself to do it" yet, and I doubt he will change his mind :(
I'm so torn because I really see our relationship going somewhere, we are serious about each other and I hoped this was going to be longterm, but I don't know if I want to sacrifice a completely fulfilling sex life for him...
How about, with his permission you have someone to furfill your sexual needs?
I did bring this up last night, but he counts that as cheating and said it would almost be worse because he knew about it. He is very definite about his feelings when it comes to fidelity and I know I would be dumped if I did cheat. Also in all honesty I'm not sure I would feel comfortable having someone else fulfill my needs. We certainly didn't agree on any kind of open relationship when we got together and I don't think thats going to change.
Thanks for all the suggestions though guys :)
Well I'm glad you found out that your both not comfortable with it.
What about a sexual and realtionship therapist? x
I'm not sure it would help. His problem with it isn't psychological, it seems to be purely physical (smell, taste, sight) and whilst I completely understand this it doesn't stop me being frustrated.
I've had suggestions from friends to just tell him to man up and get on with it to fulfill my needs but this seems really insensitive and disrespectful to his feelings, as he clearly feels very strongly about it. I just can't imagine spending the foreseeable future being unfulfilled by my man, who I am completely in love with and have no other complaints about in any other aspect of our relationship :(
Yeah, but you never really know what's going on inside his head.
Maybe he had a bad or traumatic experience with a previous partner. There might be a subconcious problem that theapy could help with. It's worth a try.
But if your really against it then why not just try and put some flavoured lube by your bed and introduce it slowly - be careful to do it slowly otherwise he'll feel threatened.
I would just drop it for a few weeks, don't mention it at all so he feels more calm about it, then introduce the lube. Take it step by step. x
Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely be dropping the idea for a while, he got rather defensive last night so I don't want to cause another arguement.
We don't really talk much about exes, just a mutual choice not too because they're exes for a reason, no need to know the ins and outs of previous relationships. But I might ask him what his exes thought about his attitude towards oral. I know the previous girlfriend was a virgin and they didn't get beyond kissing, but other than that I don't know anything.
ghostgirl wrote:
Havent used it but this is designed to replicate oral http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17045
I suggest that also.
I can understand your dilemma as although oral may seem like a little thing in one's relationship it means a lot to you.. and having your partner withdraw from something he did commit to trying must also make you quite upset and annoyed.
Perhaps talking and trying to get to the root of the problem may help but it does seem like he is quite against the idea overall and did make it clear from the start.. How about having a fun relaxing night in and just take your time massaging eachother and sensually indulging in eachothers needs.
Making it into a playful game like experience it could take the "oh, you want oral" out of the equation to just having fun. I agree with having a flavoured lube near you and slowly introducing the idea. Best to use it on him and kiss him after. =]
This is my favourite flavoured lube: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=13895 (should be back in stock fairly soon) and this is the whole list Lovehoney offers: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex/lubricants/flavoured-lubes/
Good luck!
to be honest i do think he should make an effort if he is not prepared to even give oral a go, could this be his attitude to other issues in the future, love is give and take we all may do things we are not to keen on but because it makes our partners happy, we can gain satisfaction out of pleasing them.
man of pleasure wrote:
to be honest i do think he should make an effort if he is not prepared to even give oral a go, could this be his attitude to other issues in the future, love is give and take we all may do things we are not to keen on but because it makes our partners happy, we can gain satisfaction out of pleasing them.
I do agree with this.. However it is also understandable for someone to have their preferences. I am not interested in anal and I doubt I ever will be. I don't know how I'll go about it if my partner ever did want to. Thankfully he's not a fan.
I think it's weird for the OP's partner to be willing at one point but then back out but he may just really not be into it and has issues with the thought. I do think it's best sorted out between the couple themselves and to reach a satisfactory compromise.
I know I may sound stupid, but how can someone who does not enjoy the sight of a vagina actually have a sexual relationship with a woman? I would understand taste, smell gets more difficult (my partner claims he can tell when I am aroused because he can smell it), but not sure how much you can avoid sight? A apart from lights off. May be a therapist is a good idea. Although he may also get defensive. You have to be very careful when raising this issue.
I would not force him to fulfill your needs. I am in relationship when I do enjoy anal (not all the time, but occassionally) and my partner does not like it. He knows I do use toys in private and he even gave me butt plug and he is fine with me having the time with them, or very rarely use it on me (without me asking), just to see me turned on. I do miss sometimes being taken that way, but our sex life is otherwise great and we are now very open to each other. You are not the only one who gave up something in the sex life part, but I am very fulfilled otherwise and cannot complain at all. So I would go for the advice and try the sqweel for now, Lovehoney has extremely good return policy if you dont get along with it, it seems to be one of those either hit or miss.
In all honesty I can't say I'm always that keen on giving him blowjobs, but if he asks he always gets them, and he does get them a lot without asking and it does turn me on to know I'm pleasing him. My man seems to be that against giving me oral sex I don't think he would gain satisfaction out of pleasing me.
Its just so frustrating!
thats fantastic advice by Laveila, my only concern is does it reall y replace the excitement of a man between your legs,
I think he originally agreed to try it to appease me and didn't give a set time scale in which he would try it and now has changed his mind because I've put pressure on him to make good on his promises.
He does have a very sensitive nose, but there is nothing I can do about that other than keep myself very clean (which I do).
And I agree with man of pleasure, I am willing to try the Squeel, but part of the appeal of oral is having that closeness with my parter, and the feel of his breath on my skin etc.