Possible relationship. Help?

Off-Topic Chat
1

I'm having a bit of a problem and since I know there are loads of lovely and knowledgable people on here I thought it might be a good place to turn.

Essentially, i've met a guy at college and we get on incredibly well, we really click, I love spending time with him and he's just generally amazing.

I know he fancies me, we've gotten close a couple of times, which was really nice and we've talked about where things might be going. However, I can't help feeling that right now I don't fancy him. I feel like a dick because I keep thinking that if he was slightly more in line with what I find physically attractive he would be perfect.

I feel that he could easily be someone I could love, but I don't get that gut wrentching rush that i've had when I fancy other people. I told him that I needed more time because I don't know where my feelings are, because i'm hoping that with time i'm going to develop those feelings for him.

The last thing I want to do is to hurt him. What do you think I should do? Part of me says to go for it, the other part is saying not to do anything just incase it doesn't pan out.

2

Hmmm difficult one - I think sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct and at the minute it would appear that whilst you get on with him well the lust is missing and whilst this isnt the bee-all and end-all of a relationship it does seem to be pretty important at the beginning of one.

I think it's the difference between great friends and that little bit more.

You don't have the gut wrenching lust but (and you don't have to tell us) how would you feel about sleeping with him? Can you imagine yourself getting hot and turned on by the thought of sleeping with him?

If the answer is not really then perhaps it's best not to pursue it because whilst he might be a great friend, he might not make a great boyfriend.

Hope this helps a little and doesn't sound too shallow?n It's just I'm a believer in the initial reaction. It could grow but you don't want to string him along.....

Angel x

3

That said, when I first met my OH I didn't give him a second glance for months and now we're married

That probably just confused things...... sorry! x

4

Go with the gut instinct, if the chemistry isnt there now it may never be.

I met and married husband within 6 months

current OH moved in here within 3 months of our first date.

That initial gut churning should be there, as Angel said if you cannot see yourself getting hot and turned on by the thought of sleeping with him then maybe he should just stay a friend

xGGx

5

It's no bother, I really appriciate the advice. =)

I could easily sleep with him. I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. He's just lovely. He came round to rehearse for something earlier and we ended up just laying about hugging, and it was just really nice. I didn't let it go anywhere because I didn't want to take the risk, but it could have.

However, all of my sexual partners to date have been people I really did not fancy, so i'm not sure how much of a judge that is.

Reading it, it seems obvious that there must be something there. Maybe i'm just expecting too much.

6

MY gf and I were friends for about two years before we got together. You don't need to rush things, just take some time and see where things take you.

7

Perhaps you're putting pressure on yourself because you feel differently? Perhaps the lust is a different lust?

I'm not sure as I don't have much experience I'm afraid but you say previous sexual partners are people you really didn't fancy; if you felt like you could have slept with him, there must be something there even if you can't yet work out what!

8

I think I am putting pressure on myself because our college year ends in june, and from there we might be going different ways. We might not, because we are both in a similar field of study and there are only so many options, but even then. Plus, he's been hurt before by people and I really do not want to mess him around, so if a decision is to be made it feels like is has to be soon.

With previous sexual partners it's almost been opportunistic. They were horny, I was horny. Fuck buddies would be a generous description.

Maybe this is something similar? Maybe it's filling a gap?

This might sound selfish, but if I didn't care about him so much I'd just take the risk and see where it headed. That caring too much is a problem seems really, really daft.

9

You've said you've talked about where things might go, but have you talked about what you're telling us? Maybe it might be an idea to do something like a date, just the two of you, rather than going straight for the physical, see if that changes/clears up anything?

10

I've been trying to figure out a gentle way of hinting at this for at least 20 minutes without success (and one accidental refresh of the page :-), so I'm just going to go out on a limb and throw something else out.

Are you afraid of falling for someone who's great, but might not be near you in a few months?

Look at some of the language you're using: 'I feel that he could easily be someone I could love', 'if I didn't care about him so much', 'could easily sleep with him', 'He's just lovely' (that's what convinced me :-), 'hugging, and it was just really nice'.

I'm having a difficult time imagining a scenario in which you're not falling in love.

P.S. Chemistry can develop, at least for some of us. Our brains are really quite clever at finding our partners more attractive when we're solidly in love. The best test I've ever come across is whether you find annoying quirks endearing. If he does something cute that would normally annoy you, go for it. If he doesn't, go for it anyway.

Hearts mend and there's a natural break in your future where you can end it if you need to without it being too personal. Worth the risk, IMO.

11

Pixieking wrote:

I feel that he could easily be someone I could love

Pixieking wrote:

I could easily sleep with him. I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. He's just lovely.

You wouldn't have a problem sleeping with him and he is someone you can see as a partner in love, I can't see where the dilemma is.

If you are worried about hurting him then just hold off on the sex, "date" for a while and see where it goes.

Lust is easy to find, love isn't, take it slow and give it a chance. It might not work out but then again he might be the one. You will regret it if you don't find out.

I hope it works out for you

12

I am worried about there being a split, but I'm also finding it quite a comforting thought that if there is a split it will be a natural one.

Endearing habits that would be irritating in others, check. =)

Thanks folks. I think I just needed comformation I wasn't being a dick. I think i'm to worried about things being perfect instead of taking it as it comes. Thanks people. =)

13

I felt this way about my now ex boyfriend.

He's not someone I'd have chosen to be with (appearance wise). But we were great friends. Then, one night, by surprise - he kissed me. And I've never felt a more passionate kiss ever.

Even now, and we've gone our seperate ways (he hurt me terribly), but my word, he could kiss.

I'm dating someone else now, and whilst he treats me brilliantly and we have a great time, my ex still has the "kiss" factor thing.

I daresay, if he hadn't kissed me like he had nothing would ever have happened.

At the end of the day, if a relationship is going to fail, it won't fail because of something so superficial as appearance. It'll fail because of something fundamentally wrong.

Making a relationship work is hard work, for both parties.

14

rose hip wrote:

I've been trying to figure out a gentle way of hinting at this for at least 20 minutes without success (and one accidental refresh of the page :-), so I'm just going to go out on a limb and throw something else out.

Are you afraid of falling for someone who's great, but might not be near you in a few months?

Look at some of the language you're using: 'I feel that he could easily be someone I could love', 'if I didn't care about him so much', 'could easily sleep with him', 'He's just lovely' (that's what convinced me :-), 'hugging, and it was just really nice'.

I'm having a difficult time imagining a scenario in which you're not falling in love.

P.S. Chemistry can develop, at least for some of us. Our brains are really quite clever at finding our partners more attractive when we're solidly in love. The best test I've ever come across is whether you find annoying quirks endearing. If he does something cute that would normally annoy you, go for it. If he doesn't, go for it anyway.

Hearts mend and there's a natural break in your future where you can end it if you need to without it being too personal. Worth the risk, IMO.

This!

I'm interested in what you say about being worried about hurting him. The way I see it, it's impossible to engage meaningfully with other human beings at all without taking that risk. Caring about people makes us vulnerable, it's inevitable. You'll never be able to go into any relationship, romantic or otherwise, guaranteeing that you'll never hurt each other.

I think you're heaping pressure on yourself unnecessarily. You don't have to be sure before you kiss him that you want it to last forever, or even until the end of the academic year. You're not making any promises by giving it a go. That's what dating is for, to find out if something is worth pursuing - it's not a marriage! To my mind, it's much less damaging to go "well, we gave it a go but it didn't work out, it's disappointing but I'll get over it" than it is to have to live with that feeling of "this might have been really special but I don't know because we didn't try it.. what if, what if...."

I say go for it. Try it on for size. If you don't like it, call it off. You're allowed to do that, honest!

SS xx

15

Pixieking wrote:

It's no bother, I really appriciate the advice. =)

I could easily sleep with him. I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. He's just lovely. He came round to rehearse for something earlier and we ended up just laying about hugging, and it was just really nice. I didn't let it go anywhere because I didn't want to take the risk, but it could have.

However, all of my sexual partners to date have been people I really did not fancy, so i'm not sure how much of a judge that is.

Reading it, it seems obvious that there must be something there. Maybe i'm just expecting too much.

I think this post says a lot about how you feel about him. You're physically comfortable around him and would feel comfortable sleeping with him, He's a lovely person and you care about him lots, He feels the same about you... What's there to discuss?

Don't go comparing your circumstances to idealic hollywood movie love. Sometimes you don't always have that initial love-at-first-sight-lightning-bolt feeling. Sometimes someone who is great for you can be right in front of your face the whole time while you've been looking around elsewhere and taking them for granted.

You say that you don't have that gut wrenching horny feeling when you look at him, but you never know, he could be the one to rock your world in the bedroom if you give him half a chance. The fact that you care about him so much as a friend could hopefully translate into you being comfortable and open with him about your likes and dislikes sexually, leading to an even healthier relationship than you may have had previously!

I understand your concern for your friendship and not wanting to hurt him but like and earlier poster said, you can't make that promise not to hurt someone in any relationship. You just have to go into it with good intentions and hope for the best. If you care for him like you say you do, then listen to your heart. It understands what your head can't yet concieve of.

16

I understand your feelings. I have to admit, that my partner is rather far from what I find extremely attractive, yet I do love him.I had the same bit of doubts at times, but then I got really sure that I love him. Its not the really lusty/mad love I felt before, but it is still rather comforting and I sort of know because I was never in the mad lust probably, then I may not loose my illusions if there are still any about my partner.

I can understand the concerns about hurting him, but thats always the risk in relationships, unfortunately . i would say you need to take it slowly and not rush things, maybe just enjoy his company and stop analysing the situation too much. I have to say I released I loved my partner was the moment we had extremely bad argument and almost split up. That moment I really knew it, because that throught hurted like hell. That was January and we are still together.

17

Just wanted to pop back to thank everyone for their advice.

We have made things offical as of sunday and things are going well. I had a bit of an oh shit day on monday where I thought i'd made a huge mistake but I think it was just my head going into defensive mode, as i've never been in a relationship before.

As of now, i'm happy, and I can only see things getting better.

Thanks everyone!

18

Oh congrats! and I can understand the defensive mode, when you are not used to being in a relationship. I was like that too. I hope that things go well and that you will enjoy it. it may take some time to adjust to it, but its really nice feeling too, that there is someone who will stand by you and care for you and support you when things go hard.

To be honest, took me few months to fully adjust to not being "free" anymore, as I was single for some time, but I am really happy now. Still smiling after yesterday talk with my partner.

So good luck!

19

Good on ya, loun.

It really does seem to me like you have a sound head on your shoulders, especially with the way you observe and then find a way around the things that trip you up. Trust yourself.

Good luck and enjoy!

20

in the most wierdest way of me saying this (hate im saying this) If he doesnt get you wet and make you go crazy, either;

A.find something about him that does

B.move on.