Hi all This is my first post but I have been reading for a while and I love this site. I have been going out with a great guy since January. The problem we have been having is that he cums so fast, he tells me that it’s my fault for being so sexy, great BJ being so wet etc. I tell him it’s ok, it doesn’t matter but deep down it’s bothering me. When he’s done that’s it no finishing me off although he does spend time before sex pleasuring me but I haven’t been able to orgasm yet with him. I’ve tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want to talk about it, He shuts down or gets up to go to the bathroom etc, I’ve suggested introducing a bullet to at least get me off but I really want a good long hard f*uck lol Any opinions on how I can talk to him or what I should say? Thanks
Also to add I’ve suggested pleasuring himself earlier on a day we know we are going to be meeting up but he says he doesn’t do that at all
Welcome to LH :) First off, he needs to know it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ll assume he’s on top when this happens? Have you tried being on top and stopping when he’s about to come? This is called edging, it can be used to tease but it can also be used to calm a partner down before starting again to make sex last longer.
Hi Emma Thanks for the reply. Its not always when he’s on top, once we didn’t even get as far as sex, he came while I was giving him a BJ as foreplay, I was on top the last time as I’ve read here that that can slow him down but he was thrusting too, I told him not to but by the time I said it we were 4/5 thrusts in and it was too late. He can last longer if he’s had a drink but I don’t want that to be the solution x
Hey QuietCath!
If this is an issue that bothers the two of you, there are products designed to slow guys down which can be very effective. Something like this: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=35976 could be worth a try. Would definitely suggest talking to your partner first before buying it. Some also say that cock rings work too, so that could be another option. I'd suggest one that doesn't vibrate.
I have dealt with this exact thing before with a guy I was seeing. Unfortunately, as things didn't work out between us, we never got around to discussing it. But they are the steps I would have taken had things continued.
♥
Just a thought if I'm getting too hot too quickly it's because I've not had sex for a while and my hornyness is out of control, hop on more often maybe get him to bang one out prior?
I was going to write a whole chapter on this but thought you may get bored reading it.
Please please read the interwebz on the subject. A lot of sites will offer shiite information but some sites will give you good ways of moving forward.
For a male, ejacualting can be controlled, a male just needs to learn how to at times. If he is not able to control his ejacualtion he will feel embarressed, ashamed even. Hence why your partner "Shuts down"
There are many ways of approaching the subject in a tactile manner, it just needs a bit of research on your behalf. Your boyfreind more than likely has other male freinds who whilst in the pub, brag about conquests, how long they lasted, how many times they made a girl orgasm ect.
Whilst most of what he may have heard is complete bullshiite, it does not help.
It can be tricky to tackle, I have similar issues where actual penetrative sex can be over quickly, particularly if it has been a while between innings. I make sure Mrs Sen is at least 1-2 orgasms in before penetration, that way, it is less pressure for the finale.
Masturbation can help, but there is such a sensation difference between masturbation and actual sex that it's not a given that it will help.
Attitude is one thing that needs changing. Sounds like he's a "my pleasure counts" kinda guy rather than approaching sex as a shared pleasure activity. Once you let go of having your own orgasm as the goal and ensuring your partners pleasure first, it only gets better and better.
Perhaps introduce mutual masturbation as an acitivity, that will help remove the stigma in his mind about doing it, he can also then see what gets you off.
There are also "training toys" like fleshlights or similar designed to get the penis more used to the sensations of penetration rather than just a hand. Doing this for him a few times could help ease the apprehension he may have around it.
If he's not prepared to talk about it tho, then that makes things much harder, you either have to accept it, or not
Condoms can help too. The regular ones might do the trick, but you can also get thicker 'extra-safe' ones (as well as delay ones) if you think you need them. 👍
When i was much younger it was a problem for me, my method of delaying it was to stop or slow down and think of something unpleasant, such as a bad day at work or a trip to the dentist. But i must add, that i never left my OH unsatisfied, so he definitely seems a bit selfish.
Ladies first? If, after foreplay, you have an orgasm or two (oral, fingers, bullet, vibe), then it might not matter if he comes so fast?
Some men still don't know what to do, or where a clit is - or what to do if they find it. Info around sex ed and female pleasure is better than it was - so if you need to teach him you could show him the Netfix Explained series (or similar)? Pluck up your courage, his hand and a bullet! Let him know it can take half an hour for some women, if necessary.
Tell him what works for you, and see if that sinks in. If it doesn't, then I think you need to tell him clearly that it is not as satisfying for you as it is for him, and ask if you can discuss how to change that? There are some good books out there - ranging from sensual massage to sexual technique - maybe buy one to read together? Lovehoney sell a few.
He needs to be considerate and informed, as do we all.
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply, I’m hoping to be able to talk to him this week and try and see where we go from here 💖
I have used delay cream spray in the past it does make me last longer, just a little spray than leave it for 10 mins and then ready. but do not put too much on.
How about more foreplay for you and not as much for him since it really turns him on and then comes quickly.
Lets know how it goes QuietCath
QuietCath wrote:
Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply, I’m hoping to be able to talk to him this week and try and see where we go from here 💖
Thanks again everyone for the suggestions, i didn’t get a chance to try any of them as he has decided it’s not worth it and ended things 😢 I thought he was gonna be a keeper but he had other plans. Stay safe everyone xx
Sorry to hear that, but it seems as though he has run away rather than face the problem. Hopefully you'll soon meet someone who puts your needs above his own.
Sorry to hear QuietCath, but sounds a bit like "bullett dodged".
If hes not prepared to be communicative about something as important as your sex life, then its potentially a long lonely road to go down.
Sorry to hear he didn't want to work things out, but I suspect nothing was ever going to change if he wouldn't get on board with it. I'm having that issue with my boyfriend. It feels like it's always me trying to *force* him to try things that might help. I don't want it to be like that. I'm determined to keep trying (numbing/extra safe condoms, different positions, I've ordered a textured sleeve but he doesn't know about that yet!), but am considering ordering myself a dildo as a backup and putting it to him that if he doesn't stay the course, he has to put in the work in other ways instead. Is that too harsh?? I've even looked at 'stamina training units' but I think that would freak him out. We've already tried him thinking unsexy thoughts but that backfired. And I don't think we can do the whole 'get him off once and he'll last longer second time' strategy, cos he's very much a once-a-day kinda guy. It's tough because I don't want to put my foot down and say I'm giving up on having sex, but every time he blows it too soon, he gets really down about it and it makes me feel frustrated, and it altogether puts a right downer on the whole situation! When I sit and think about it, I know sex isn't the single most important thing... But I still really want it to go right lol
I’ve suffered from this from time to time, particularly if not had much recent action. Things that have worked for us are frequent sex so it’s less of a big deal, some delay sprays but ones LH no longer sell, penis extender/sleeves to reduce sensation and weirdly morning sex. I’m not sure why but for some reason I have much more control first thing, possibly because it’s more often initiated by her waking up horny so there’s less foreplay, watching porn, etc to get me excited. Position also comes into it, cowgirl much less arousing than where I’m doing the work such as missionary. It’s a really frustrating situation for blokes as well as you, when you really want to give a stellar performance and you can feel within a minute or so it’s just not going to happen this time. When we were first together we would normally fit in a second round if a good hard pounding was required! I hope you find a solution and it doesn’t become too much of an issue for either of you. Good luck trying!
Agree with much of what has been said above already.
Personally I invest more time building my wife to orgasm & a sneaky shot of whisky/brandy/whatever your poison about a hour beforehand slows the process for me.
Could you could try edging him via simple communication and keep swapping places until you are ready?
If there's something more concerning going on then speak to a specialist for advice - why prolong future satisfaction for both of you?
Encourage, be supportive and most of all be happy....Good luck!