Relationship help

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi guys,

Need some help and advice. Background to this......

Yesturday evening i found out that my Dad has cancer. I was uspet as you can imagine and so called my boyfriend. He was nice on the phone and we talked and it made me feel better. Thing is, on the phone he said that if we lived nearer to each other he'd come to me, but it was about half 10 at night and it's 10 miles away. I appreciated the sentiment and said good night.

Today i was supposed to go to Uni but when i got there and spoke to my lecturers they said take some days off and sort things out. I was appreciative of this and went home. My boyfriend also has this week off from work. On the way home i called my boyfriend and told him that i was going home and i was having the day off.

I got home at about 11am, bought myself some malteasers, cos they are amazing at cheering me up, and watched some stupid christmas movies on TV. at about 2pm i went on facebook and saw that he had finished work at mid day and was doing something with a friend.

I felt a bit miffed that he didn't think to come to see me when he finished work as he knows i'm upset about my Dad. That was one thing, but then at about 5pm he called and said he was going out for a curry with his mates tonight and that he'd call me tomorrow 'or something' and hung up as i heard his mates shouting stupid shit in the back ground.

I don't know if it's me being ultra upset at the minute that's making this situation feel worse to me but i feel so let down by him at the minute. I feel like he doesn't give a shit about me. I need someone to hug me when i cry and tell me everything is gonna be ok but it seems like i'm not important, like i'm not even in his thought process at all.

Is this just me being irrational at the moment???

2

Hi, sorry to hear about your dad. My dad had cancer so I have some experience. What I have found is some people have no idea how to deal with people who have a serious illness, or how to deal with the people close to them.

They would rather ignore it is happening that try and deal with it. A lot of people have no idea what to say, or are worried you will burst into tears if they say anything to you.

I think you need to speak to your boyfriend and tell him you need him around right now, and hopefully he will listen and give you the support you need.

*hugs*

3

Seems a bit insensitive to me. Can understand you would want a big cuddle and a shoulder. Maybe he can't handle stuff like that or it could remind him of bad times in his life. Ask him to come round, he could also feel he may be in the way of family time.
I hope your dad gets well and gets all the care available x

4

It could be that he just don't know how to handle or react to the situation, so he is in defence mode and avoiding it, not you.

I was in a similar situation years ago, and didn't know how to react.

I am older and wiser now, and know you probably just need him to be there for you.

It probably won't help much but have a virtual hug from me.

The chances are your dad will recover but he will need your support. Hopefully i if your boyfriend sees you supporting your dad, he will do the same for you.

5

Hello,

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your Dad.... I know that this would equally devastate me. On the positive, there are a great many things that can be done to help, so keep as strong as you can and know that things may very well go smoothly in the coming months....

As for your boyfriend.... I think it is a pickle....

I'm afraid, much as I am trying to think of a reason for his actions, he's been a bit of a plank! I understand him not dashing over last night.... that is understandable... but today, leaving work early and knowing you were off would seem (to me) like the perfect opportunity to console you..... however, going out with his friends probably wasn't the best call at this moment in time.

Try not to worry too much about this today though, hopefully you spent the evening perhaps talking/being with your Dad instead as he will also need you too... It is only in the most difficult of situations that we see how our loved ones will react - I've learnt that myself recently after a LTR... so again, be strong and think of a way forwards...

Maybe your partner finds it difficult to deal with, maybe he struggles to console you usually? I don't know the answers or background but you will know that.... I'm sure you should be able to talk to him about this... just as you have done above... .but this may be a difficult conversation to have..... it could be a necessary one though.

Again, I know this is difficult as you have had bad news and now will be upset and still having to sort this out with the bf....... maybe see what he is like / acts like tomorrow before deciding what you are going to do and what tone you are going to take with him..... afterall, at present you have a bigger issue to help get through, before dealing with your fella's actions.

I hope that helps..... and I hope things work out for you and your Dad too.

6

I would also feel the same way as you did sexybum and feel that he was being insensitive. I just would. I guess my expectations of a relationship is to be there for each other, not JUST for the good times, but to care for each other during the bad times, whether it is illness or bereavement or injury etc.

Unfortunately, I used to date a guy who did similar. In fact he was in the forces, and was posted away for 3 months. On the day he returned he called me to let me know he couldn't see me that weekend as he had planned 2 nights out with his buddies (Who he had just spent 3 months with.) I basically felt like I was not even important enough for him to rush round and see, after spending 3 months apart. (To be honest, his crappy behaviour got worse and I got rid and found a more considerate partner.)

Anyway, it could be what others have said. Some men especially find it difficult dealing with emotions. After all, they are raised to believe showing them is a weakness. He might have no idea how to console you and actually feels a lot of anxiety about showing up and having no idea how to handle your emotions. I still personally think it is a bit cowardly. I mean, I can understand being anxious about something and trying to avoid it, but I have a huge fear of hospitals, but if one of my family got very ill, I would push through my personal anxiety to be by their side and comfort them as much as I could, because when you love someone, that is what you do. So while I understand him feeling awkward or afraid of dealing with it, I still think he is being a bit selfish by not pushing through that, to be with you when you are in pain and upset. That is just my opinion though.

The only other two reasons I can think of for his behaviour is actually not caring, or the third...not even realising that he SHOULD be doing something. Remember, as I said, some blokes are raised to believe showing emotions are a weakness, and when these types of men are in emotional distress, they tend to want to avoid people, shut themselves away and not talk about it. It could be that he actually thinks leaving you alone is the BEST thing he could do for you, by giving you "time with your thoughts" as that might be what he would want, if the situation were reversed.

So the only choice here hunni, is to speak to him, explain to him that you need him with you. that you need a shoulder and a hug and support and you feel quite alone at the moment. Explain to him that you would want him to come and be with you.

If he still chooses a night out with friends, after knowing where you stand, then I am afraid to say that he probably fits into the second option of "not really caring" and being selfish (Would prefer to have his fun and his giggles with mates, than be with his woman when she is emotionally suffering)

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Good luck xx

7

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.as for your bf, maybe he just didn't know how to deal with it but I would be seriously upset and let down if it was me.

I don't know how long your are together, if it's a relatively new relationship then maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough in situations like this just yet. However if you have been together a long time and he knows your family well then I would have expected him to support your more.

The least he could have done was phone your or send you a few texts to see how your were coping today now that the reality of the situation had kicked in.
I think you should tell him how you felt about his lack of support


Big hugs

8

Hi hun firstly so sorry to hear that,I really hope that ur dad gets well soon.
No offense to any men reading but they can b so stupid n blind at times especially when we need them the most,my other half useless at times(you'd think after 8yrs he would know wen I need a cuddle etc,his reply u didn't ask!),sometimes they don't know wat to do or say.one of my best friends didn't know how to comfort me when my mum died,but meant her best by acting normal.every1 is different,some are great for comforting saying the right things others don't have a clue n get scared of saying the wrong thing n making u feel worse.
Try talking to him if that lightbulb doesn't light up inside hid head by itself.
Take care X

9

Hi Sexy bum, so sorry to hear about your dad. We blokes can be crap at this sort of thing. Yes it is insensitive and there is no defence. You need a heart to heart. He maybe worried about what to say, just tell him you don't need him to say anything you just need to be held for reassurance. Big hugs chin up.

10

Hello :)

I'm really sorry to hear how things are for you at the minute - I hope there is a silver lining in your cloud there somewhere.

Men can be so awkward sometimes! I'd speak to him, make sure he knows that you need him there, as as others have said, guys are very good at not knowing how to deal with emotional women and so running away when we need them most! (Apologies guys out there who don't!) It's perfectly okay for you to have had these worries, with so much on your plate and the emotions a little all over the place inside a persons head can be a strange and sometimes not so rational place, it's hard to see the whole picture.

So have a chat with him, and fingers crossed for you things pick up and your support network will be a little more supportive :) Let us know how it goes!

NMK x

11

Hi SB

Hope your Father makes a good recovery and rest assured all the on the forums are with you are on this.

The Giant is quite correct, a lot of blokes can be quite crap and appear insensitive over this sort of thing which is why I guess women have more female friends to bounce problems off and support each other. You don't say how old your bf is, but im guessing around your age and I have to admit from experience that we guys dont really start to grow up until about 30 or unless something similar directly affects us in which case we have to confront it.

<<<Hugs >>>

12

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and I really wish him the best for his recovery.

with regards to your boyfriend....

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he doesn't know how to deal with it but I'm sorry to say I think his behaviour is inexcusable.

He knows how upset you are, he should be with you at the earliest opportunity...but he's off out with his mates?? He's being totally unsupportive when you need him most...is this going to be a recurring theme throughout your relationship? Is this behaviour a one off or has he done things to upset you before? Sorry it just reminds me of my first relationship.

you definitely need to have a good chat with him ( when he finally decides to see you...) and determine what the hell he's playing at. If my partner behaved like this I would be extremely upset and disappointed in him.

13

sexynurse09 wrote:

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and I really wish him the best for his recovery.

with regards to your boyfriend....

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he doesn't know how to deal with it but I'm sorry to say I think his behaviour is inexcusable.

He knows how upset you are, he should be with you at the earliest opportunity...but he's off out with his mates?? He's being totally unsupportive when you need him most...is this going to be a recurring theme throughout your relationship? Is this behaviour a one off or has he done things to upset you before? Sorry it just reminds me of my first relationship.

you definitely need to have a good chat with him ( when he finally decides to see you...) and determine what the hell he's playing at. If my partner behaved like this I would be extremely upset and disappointed in him.

Everything you said here is spot on with what I felt. I also had memories of an ex or two when I read the OPs first post and was thinking "is this a recurring thing" because in my experience, it tended to be recurring, with both exes who lacked that (empathy? love? caring? consideration) thing. It came up more than a few times with each of them. (Even after letting them know how I felt)

I hope OP has sorted it with her guy and it was just a one off.