I ask because I had a very familiar conversation with a friend/total stranger recently. We met this guy on holiday 2 years ago, spent an afternoon with him and his girlfriend, but have never spoken since (so we really barely know him). That said, he still felt the need to spend a conversation with me about how I was "too young" to be settling down.
I'm 22, my partner is 23 and we've been together since 15 and 16. So a 7 year relationship. Now when you bare in mind a lot of people (29% so not a majority but an interesting number nontheless) want to get married between 1 and 2 years of dating (http://matchuptodate.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/match_dating_timeline_web.jpeg) I'd say, we're a fairly experienced couple. Sure there people who've been together a lot longer, but it's definitely what you'd call "long term".
So why is it, people feel it is acceptable to comment on our age and that we're settling down? Why do people insist you should "have some fun - whilst you're young" as if a long term, committed relationship can't possibly be fun? Why do people feel they get to make it their business to announce to me that "you're too young to be planning a wedding" (we got engaged after *5* years and will probably get married after 10 due to us prioritising buying a home before paying for a wedding) just because I share my relationship status by wearing an engagement ring?
Granted, when we'd been together a few months or even a year or so - it made sense that people (privately though - why share it with me, seriously, who made it your business?) were skeptical of our relationship lasting. Stats wise younger people in relationships don't tend to stay with that partner. But when this has still been happening after 5 and 7 years - not that I have to justify my relationship to a single person - but surely we've proved it's going to last by now and that we're happy?!
So; has anyone else encountered this? Anyone prepared to admit they're guilty of it? Anyone encountered issues in *different* age groups?
Feel free to diverge a little but remember - there are threads on age *gaps* and that's not what this thread is about. And be respectful even if you disagree with someone, it is not reasonable to talk down to anyone just because you've been in a relationship longer or have had multiple partners or any other variable that you happen to think is better - voice your opinion but be respectful in the way you do it.
AA there is something I believe that leads people to knock any couple starting out.
No one gave us a snowballs chance in hell of making it work...that was 30 yrs ago ...the knockers have strangely drifted into the background but I do occasionally remind them of what they said
and another thought in my mothers youth at 22 you were in danger of being left on the shelf, funny how times change
My dad was married in his early twenties, yet he still reckons I'm too young (in part, he also doesn't like long engagements).
I agree with you both. The guy in question has had 4 long term relationships (and regrets) and is only a few years older than me. But still, people should realise what applies to them doesn't necessarily apply to everyone right?
As you've both said, we're all different! Is why I always, first and foremost, get to know a person and then treat them as an individual not a member of a particular "labelled group". Groups/labels can be helpful to get a rough gauge of someone you don't know, but if you don't know them you shouldn't be judging anyway!
AA our relationship in its early days was based on great sex, and a fundamental love of being together, hrd to get that one across to my mother. She loves my wife as a daughter she never had but somehow the great sex was never part of he conversation
I had just split up with a boyfriend at 21 and was devestated. My grandma told me in no uncertain terms that i should be playing the field at my ages.
Had I actually been dating various people then I would have been lectured about settling down, I would have been a slapper and all sorts.
My grandmother was always contadicting herself though, pretty much anything I do was wrong.
Do what makes you happy, not what other people think will make you happy. I reckon people only say it if they are not happy in their own relationships or single. At one time settling down young was the thing to do.
Seeee you really cannot win.
Btw I wanted to settle down really young. I still haven't and that really bothers me.
Btw I wanted to settle down really young. I still haven't and that really bothers me.
...
morefun wrote:
Do what makes you happy
You should follow your own advice .
Nah, I get what you're saying . I utterly agree, I dislike anyone commenting on another couple's relationship (unless actually asked for advice) because it's private and personal and noone else can ever understand your own relationship better than yourself.
As you say it can be completely contradictory. Which is all the more frustrating!
I found that actually, my grandparents were the most understanding of our engagement - probably because marrying young was the done thing when they were young. But they also married late too. My grandmother divorced young and didn't remarry until she was in her sixties - I guess they understand that relationships can happen and be meaningful at any age better than many!
I found that actually, my grandparents were the most understanding of our engagement - probably because marrying young was the done thing when they were young. But they also married late too. My grandmother divorced young and didn't remarry until she was in her sixties - I guess they understand that relationships can happen and be meaningful at any age better than many!
Adx
Grandmothers are special, if it wasnt for the wisdom and love of my mother and mother in law, myself my wife and daughter wouldnt be a family today
I am with you on that!!! it's society!! 25 is the new age!!
I say it pisses me off too! if you been together for 7years I say thats along time! you both been through the teens and mood changes yes I say thats even better! you got to know each other in hard times and stuck it out!!
I say when I find that special one! I be very happy I won't care if she 39 years old or the same age as me!
In all honesty I think people should shut up and mind their own business. Everyone is ready at a different age. I was ready at 17 but it didn't work out. Now I'm not so sure. Atleast when you're young your not carrying as much baggage so able to go into it more wholeheartedly, less guarded.
at 22 my grandma was married with three kids, and at 21 I cant imagine the same for me.
I am single and happy that way, yet i have friends who are settling down and I couldnt be happier for them. We all mature at different rates and what is good for one isnt good for the next person.People feel the need to pry and judge and inflict their own opinions on personal matters.
Whilst someone like yourself AD is being questioned about why you choose to marry young, others like myself are questioned about why i dont want to settle yet. But thats the problem, Choice. no matter which path you are led down or which route you choose, somebody always has an opinion where its not always needed. who is anybody to judge your happiness? we live in a free society and are all different, we should learn to embrace rather than trying to change the personal lives of others. what difference does it make to the next person whether one settles in their 20s, 40s or 60s? we all have a right to be happy.
I personally think that the only person whose opinion should matter is your partner. Because if you are not in agreement, you are in trouble. The other can tell their opinions, of course, but I do not think that should be an advice, as they can never know what your plans and ideas about life are. I am almost 26 and to be honest... Sometimes I wish I had that special someone for years, but so far only been in few relationships, longest year and half.
Personally I think whatever makes you happy is ok, as long as you are of legal age and in agreement with your other half.
I think people have an overwhelming tendency to project their experience onto other people, in all situations. As you said, Ad, the vast majority of people don't luck out and find their perfect partner at such a young age -- I think people look back on their own relationships at that age (15/16) and presume that you, like them, were immature & not with the right kind of person.
It's just so rude to tell someone their choices are wrong for no other reason than you believe them to be! Especially to a stranger!
It took me years to find my "one" -- I hope that I'd have had the sense to hold onto him if I'd met him at 15! I think there's a ton of pressure on young people to sow their oats and question their relationships, which isn't always warranted.
I never understand the "you should have fun before you settle down" argument I remember buying our first house together as very exciting and great fun along with back breakingly hard work. Working together for our common aim was a fantastic experience.
I never understand the "you should have fun before you settle down" argument I remember buying our first house together as very exciting and great fun along with back breakingly hard work. Working together for our common aim was a fantastic experience.
From what I can tell, the argument seems to be based on making sure you've found the right person you want to have that common aim with (like a try before you buy kinda thing), but I guess if you know, then you know.
From what I can tell, the argument seems to be based on making sure you've found the right person you want to have that common aim with (like a try before you buy kinda thing), but I guess if you know, then you know.
Its a long time ago but as I remember we were talking about living together within 2 months of meeting, I never thought for a moment anything could go wrong, dunno if that was confidence or complete irresponsibility
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. I utterly agree, I dislike anyone commenting on another couple's relationship (unless actually asked for advice) because it's private and personal and noone else can ever understand your own relationship better than yourself.