I'm sure some of you won't be surprised to see me asking about this. Does anyone have any experience of getting back together with an ex? I know conventional wisdom says it's a terrible idea. I'm mostly interested in anyone who did it and made it work. Why was it different second time around?
I have , but I think the main part is .. why did you split in the first place ?
For me he was off to Uni and we parted ways , a year or so later we decided to try the relationship again. However he was still at Uni and after a little while we decided it still wasn't for us. We are good friends still and when ever he is local I meet up with him. Actually I get the train with his mum most mornings too. It was different the 2nd time as we knew when to quit, we had learnt from our past.
It was the best decision all round as he focused on his career and now does the prosthetics for big films!
I know people say an ex is an ex for a reason , and do not get me wrong yes that is true but sometimes that reason may be circumstances.There are a few exes I wouldn't dream of entertaining the idea with ! However changes in circumstances can make things work with an ex , people grow and learn so my thoughts are it all comes down to why it didn't work the first time around and if that is something that may have changed to try again
I think that's spot on, Leanne. I fully believe you can be the 'right people, wrong time'. Sometimes, unfortunately, the second time around it may be the right time, but 'wrong' for each other. But you might not know it until you try it.
There are plenty of good reasons not to ever go there with some exes. There are also plenty of good reasons why it's worth a shot with others. You just have to use your own discretion..
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. That's exactly my thinking. Changes of circumstances could make a difference.
For the record, this is not something I'm necessarily going to do, but I can feel that the issue is going to be raised at some point in the near future I want to be prepared for the conversation!
I agree with Leanne. What I will add is that only you and the ex (he?) Known why you split up and the likelihood of the issue resurfacing, the most important person is you and what you want from it, and the likelihood of achieving what you want from it or whether the opposite is true. Just keep your eyes open and never forget your Lovehoney friends ;)
Hey Caliente
Based on my experience, it really depends how long you were together the first time, and why you broke up. Here is my experience.
I went out with a guy for a few weeks (maybe even a couple of months) but I ended it as I didn't think there was a real connection there. We agreed to stay friends and hang out with one another and we spent loooaaads of time just getting to know one another properly. After a summer of this, we decided to try again as a couple, and it was amazing! We were great for about 4 years.
Then we split up (I broke up with him as I wasn't really feeling the relationship any more)
Then, after about 9 months, we got back together. This was a biiiiig mistake and I would never, ever do it again. After 4 years together, there were good reasons for us to split up, and we should have stuck to that decision, but we were young and inexperienced.
I know that rekindling a long lost love can work for some couples, but in my opnion, there's a reason you split in the first place, and although people spend their whole lives growing/developing I don't believe people inherently change (and quite rightly so). With that in mind, logic says to me that whatever made you break up in the first place will very likely resurface. Which is exactly what happened to us.
It's worth thinking about what will happen if it doesn't work out for you the second time around, too. Could you BOTH handle another break up?
In my situation, the 9 month break up was horrible on him (he fell into a deep depression, developed a horrible drug problem and even tried to take his life). Understandably, when I realised it wasn't working again, I couldn't bring myself to break up with him again for fear he would go on another downward spiral into intense depression. I couldn't have that on my conscience. We were both unhappy, but trapped. Eventually, he broke up with me which I think was for the best for both of us, but it was still nasty and took a long time for both of us to properly "recover".
Things were different when we got back the second (third??) time and they were amazing.... for about 3 months. After the initial honeymoon period settled, we both slipped into our old habits and began the horrible "clutching at straws" type approach, which was tiring and made us both feel unwanted, unconfident and uninterested. I think there was a patch where we didn't have sex for 2 years (!!!!!) yet we still plodded on, unsatisfied and unhappy.
During this final time together we also found ourselves doing EVERYTHING we could to make it work even if we couldn't really afford it - moving house, going on holiday, getting a dog (all STUPID things!) but it felt as though if we didn't try everything all our efforts would be in vain. I'm still paying off the debt from those silly decisions now, 10 years on.
Obviously this isn't gospel, and not necessarily true for all relationships that take a sebbatical, but for me it was a terrible idea. I learned a lot from the exprience, but really wish we had never pushed it that last attempt at a relationship with him. "Flogging a dead horse" is probably the best way to describe our "rekindling". It was unfortunate, and I don't "regret" it per say, as I learned a lot, but I can honestly say I would never do it again.
Mine 2nd time round was no good as it was based on lies to cover up her indiscretions from the first time round.
That being said, I do think it is possible to work if both parties realise what went wrong in the first place and are grown up enough to address these things and not brush them under the carpet.
However if the reason for break up was a betrayal of trust, then there really needs to be a lot of give and take from both parties to make things successful the second time round.
I do believe in giving everyone/everything a second chance.
Sum Sub, I'm not going to forget you. I promise. x Although, that does make me think. Since I discovered Lovehoney after I broke up with him (yes, this one is male. Good guess), that would be an interesting conversation if we did get back together. I only had a few toys before. :)
Jess - wow! What a story. That is an awful lot of heartbreak to go through with one person. I know it's something I really need to think about carefully. Thank you for the advice.
JJ - thank you. We've talked a bit before and I know you'll understand that this is not something I would consider lightly. I'm going through a period of self-examinination and it's not been easy. I have a long way to go. It would appear the other person has also (entirely independently) been doing the same thing. I think until last week I didn't really know why the relationship ended. I do now. So lots of thinking to do.
Thanks for sharing, Jess. It made me feel oddly better about my own complicated relationship/break-up. And I mean that in a nice way. x I agree that the issues of the previous 'try' will always resurface (except in the case of circumstance). From what I've seen and heard from friends, family, partners, and strangers alike, it's usually the case and usually ends it again. The length of the previous relationship does seem to matter, and/or how long it was 'going south'.
I met my girlfriend when I was 18 and she was 16. It was love at first sight literally. We stayed together for 6 years. She went to Uni' moved to London working and doing an MA. Her parents and mother in particular thought I wasn't quite good enough for her. Eventually we broke up. We both ended up marrying other people. She had three children but then moved back to my area about 9 years later. I bumped into her one day and then a few days later she rang me at work. I went to see and one thing led to another. We started an affair and have now been back together for nearly another 18 years. We got married ten years ago. The spark had never died, we were always soul mates. She made a mistake as she would tell you and was bullied by what her parents thought, in particular her mother who is a class conscious snob. I too should have made the move to London all those years ago. They no longer feature in our lives. We've had some tough times and still are with serious health issues but we're together. The spark is there always. Actually it's more than a spark but that's another story.
Not something I've ever done, but I wish you all the best if thats what you decide to do xx
Caliente wrote:
JJ - thank you. We've talked a bit before and I know you'll understand that this is not something I would consider lightly. I'm going through a period of self-examinination and it's not been easy. I have a long way to go. It would appear the other person has also (entirely independently) been doing the same thing. I think until last week I didn't really know why the relationship ended. I do now. So lots of thinking to do.
Yes you're right there. The last things i'll say on this is:
-take your time, think a lot. In my experience, the over thinkers are the ones usually who are in the right and the ones accusing you of overthinking are the ones with something to hide.
-tread carefully all the way. If it does not feel right, it usually isn't.
-don't forget to love yourself - always
I think you have some wonderful advice. But I will add this "You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
SO, if there is somethin pulling you back torwards this person I would say be smart, if there was past abuse or something very negative PLEASE steer clear of this person... but if the break up was a normal progression or circumstail based why not see where it goes. If it ends again, it ends... but if you never begin again you will never know.
KitsiKiki - The consensus amongst most people defintely seems to be that it doesn't last. Whether that's a reason not to try is what I have to work out. Food for thought.
kc. - It's hopeful to read a happy story! Im glad things worked out for you in the end. I do know another couple who united many years after their teens and they are very happy. Again, they describe themselves as soul mates. I'm not sure I've ever had that.
Terri JJ - Thanks and love to you as always x
Just Jenson - haha I am nothing if not an over thinker! I'm not rushing into anything. The subject has not been raised....yet. I know it's on his mind and I know he will be thinking about it as carefully as I am. He has always said you never go backwards, but something has not allowed him to let go of me.
You never know for sure unless you try, right? There was no abuse. Hurt, definitely. Though it seems like most of that came about from misunderstanding; a good old lack of communication and a barrel load of insecurity on my part. It's the old adage of "Hurt people hurt people/ Healed people heal people."
MysticalMayhem - I think many couples a have a blip somewhere down the line, especially in the early days. You are right about forgetting. I have a long memory! And thank you for the compliment. I'm embarrassed to admit how much of our break up might have been caused by me not believing that about myself. I'm getting better at it, and that's partly to do with lovely friends from here. x I might have another one that needs that shovel, though! hahahaha.
I think if you both want it, go for it. People change, circumstances change, feelings change.
Happiness is hard to find. I hope whatever you decide, it works out. X
Flamingdice - Thank you for those kind words. Like I said, we are not back together, it's just something I have to consider given the conversations we have been having. If we do decide to, we are going to face a lot of negativity. Your supportive comments mean a lot. x
@Caliente, yes, but it's not a story I would relay on here. Hit me up elsewhere if you like :)
Sex Squid - thanks, but I don't have an "elsewhere" at the moment. Haven't really decided what to do about that. Maybe you can just tell me if it worked out or not? Or if you have regrets about trying again? You don't need to give details.