As I'm sure some of you have noticed - I have kids! At this stage in their lives (6yrs and 3yrs) they're such a large part of my life that its kinds of difficult to separate myself from them ;o}
Obviously they've had a fairly major impact on our sex lives so far. Firstly I had PND (Post Natal Depression) and both of them were such appalling sleepers to start with that we were permanently knackered and sex was the last thing on our minds. When we eventually emerged from that my libido had done a runner and I felt so mummified I couldn't imagine ever getting it back.
Eventually it became clear that situation was not sustainable and I had to do something about it. With the aid of LH toys and these forums (and a bit of erotic fiction!) things are going a lot better.
However, we still feel very much restrained by the kids. Its generally not possible to make love during their waking hours. Its 8.30pm by the time they're in bed and hubby is away mon/tue/wed eve so we have limited opportunities - we do try to make the most of them. Hubby in particular is not up for anything when the kids are awake... Furthermore, I've recently discovered that I love to be spanked and we've done that after the kids have gone to bed but I'm paranoid one of them will hear us and come to investigate (nightmare scenario IMO). Luckily we have a large house with a spare room one floor up and not above the kids but I still worry, so we don't do it often.
Now we like variety, in fact I feel its essential to keep the desire going, so we like making love in the lounge or garden (its secluded) of an evening. Then I begin to wonder - what happens as the kids get older and are going to bed later and later and need ferrying around? How do parents manage to continue to have a regular and varied love life?
Those of you who have kids, have you had similar experiences and can you reassure me that its possible to keep up your sex life - and let me know your top tips? - thanks!
i dont have kids but could it be possible to seize some opportunities - like if it could be arranged for them to visit their grandpearents for the day to give you and your partner some private time?
im 19 and in all the time ive lived with my pearents ive only overheard them once ( last year) and i know for a fact they do thngs like spanking so it should be allright so long as youre not too loud
titania, you aren't alone in that. However I'm very fortunate in that my stepkids goes to their dad's most weekends, which works out very well. To be honest, I think the fact that you are aware of it is a massive plus in itself, because you are looking for examples, know things don't just happen, and that you'll have to work to arrange and make the most of future opportunities.
I'm sure plenty of people will give you indepth answers, so I'll keep mine brief. Two things I would say are:
1) as they get older, they'll want to stay over at friends, or be spoilt by grandparents and staying over with them etc.
2) you mention that you are fortunate in that you have a large house, and an upper floor, not above the kids, so you can make a bit more noise. How about maybe doing a little DIY up in the loft, and have your own Loft Dungeon....those beams can be very handy for securing restraints...and an extra level above the kids.. Food for thought.
i know exactly what you mean. My oldest who is now 12 was a nightmare when he was younger.(actually still is). When i first met my hubby my son was 6 months old and shared the same room as me. So we improvised and used to have sex in the living room. Then when we moved and he got his own room he didnt used to go to sleep untill midnight. So we used to have sex in the mornings. The we had another baby 2 years ago and moved again. My oldest is now in the room right next to ours and still doesnt go to bed before midnight. He hears every sound and bangs on the wall every time. The 2 year old wakes before 7 so our morning sex is completly out of the question now. The oldest asks a lot of questions and we have explained that we do need our time alone but knowing he's awake and can hear every noise means that i cant relax, but having a mild form of autism means he doesnt really get this.
So sorry Titania i have no advice to offer but i thought you might like to know your not alone. Let me know if you come up with anything other than locking the children away in their rooms.
I totally identify with this kind of situation, I have a young daughter who is three and thankfully she goes to bed early and sleeps well (she's an only child so I think I have it a bit easier for being strict on bedtimes with only one to settle) but I know what you mean about the worry of your child seeing something they shouldn't see. A suggestion I have is maybe have a stair gate on the bedroom door as opposed to having a closed bedroom door?
I have a dog gate (which is just like a baby gate but twice the height, because we have a young puppy). But a normal child safety gate would suffice - if you put one of these up you can keep your bedroom door open, be able to hear if the kids need you and if they come to the gate they can see into your bedroom but not whats happening (provided you have a think about the line of view from the baby gate and adjust the room accordingly).
It would be a good barrier to stop them seeing anything they shouldn't and all you have to do is stop and make everything child friendly before you let them in or go out to them, it's just an idea, I don't know if you would want a gate up but they are easy to put up and take down again and it's much better than locking the door I think.
And as they get older, there will be lots for them to do outside of the house - visiting friends, visting family, joining after school clubs and activities, ll of these things will probably make them sleep well at night too, so as they get older you will have more and more opportunities to have more space to be intimate with your partner without the worry of descovery.
Another idea also, if you worry a lot about descovery, invest in some extra quiet sex toys because then you know the buzzing noise wont wake them up, plus knowing you have some sient toys might help you forget about the stress fator of possibly waking them and that will be a bit less stress in your love life.
You are definitely not alone, both my best friends have babies and sex has just gone out the window, Sleep is far more important. They are in a situation, where it has been so long, it is like they have built up a barrier, maybe they start questioning whether their partners wants it anymore, insecurity sets in etc. Is interesting you have sparked things up again with toys etc. Will suggest it..
Hi guys, thanks for the helpful replies and advice. Apart from anything else, its nice to know we're not alone!
As far as going to grandparents goes, its can be tricky. They go to my mums one afternoon a week but hubby is away then! Also, they have the kids a couple of weekends a year (which is, of course, fab) so that we can go away for the weekend and do grown up things. Since these are rare opportunities we don't spend the whole weekend shagging! We like to do other stuff as well - like go skiing or just hang out together, frankly. The other grandparents live a long way away and aren't really up for having the kids. Before kids I'd no idea how difficult it would be to get quality time with my hubby!
Mind you, perhaps when they're teenagers we can send them to the grandparents one night a week and if they ask why we can tell them the truth! That'll shut them up :0}
I love the idea of the loft dungeon - awesome! Sadly, our top floor (office and spare room) is already a loft conversion - bah...
LustyLou - your situation sounds really difficult. You have my sympathy (((hugs))). Is your older one getting to the stage of being a bit more independent or is does his autism impact this? Hang in there with your two year old. Maybe if they have an afternoon nap they'll wake later when they drop it and if not they'll hopefully get worn out by playgroup and wake later (my 3 year old is doing 5 sessions this year, shes done 3 this week and shes knackered. I had to wake her up at 8am on the second day!).
I'm not sure the stair gate on the door would work for my 6 year old - it'd only delay him for about 5 seconds! Also, he gets up to the loo fairly often and now we're night training our 3 year old they could both be wandering about at night. However, we do have a gate at the top of the stairs we haven't used for ages. I hadn't thought of shutting that but I think its a good idea as it would definately deter them from wandering downstairs.
Quiet sex toys is a good idea but often the loudest thing is me!!! If we're having a really good time I can get a bit carried away and afterwards I think 'blimey, I hope my son didn't hear that'!
You are definitely not alone, both my best friends have babies and sex has just gone out the window, Sleep is far more important. They are in a situation, where it has been so long, it is like they have built up a barrier, maybe they start questioning whether their partners wants it anymore, insecurity sets in etc. Is interesting you have sparked things up again with toys etc. Will suggest it..
Yes, that sounds so familiar. It can become this big elephant in the room that nobody mentions...
I can recommend a couple of books - "The Sex Diaries" and "Mating in Captivity" which helped us to understand the situation better and therefore find a solution.
Quiet sex toys is a good idea but often the loudest thing is me!!! If we're having a really good time I can get a bit carried away and afterwards I think 'blimey, I hope my son didn't hear that'!
I know its stereotypically considered to be an item thats for those that are really into the scene but they are really effective at keeping the'screamer' quiet. Ever considered using a ball gag as this would allow you to still get into it, make enough noise for your OH to know you are enjoying it, but lets you relax regarding waking the kids.
I know its stereotypically considered to be an item thats for those that are really into the scene but they are really effective at keeping the'screamer' quiet. Ever considered using a ball gag as this would allow you to still get into it, make enough noise for your OH to know you are enjoying it, but lets you relax regarding waking the kids.
anyone have any ideas / thoughts on this?
One more thing to remove and hide when the kids are coming through the door!! -imagine the years of expensive therapy they'd need External Media
Can't offer much advice here but I can sympathise and will be watching this thread closely! My two are 7 and 4, Mrs B's libido went AWOL for a long time External Media
i am a mother of 2 my boy 12 n my girl 5....i can honestly say that they dnt get in the way when it comes 2 our sex life altho when they wer both babys i lost my sex drive completely....i av also remarried recently and the storys sayin sex goes down hill from ther r crap....we wer like rabbits b4 and we still r !!!
I've mentioned before that we've found children interfere with sex. With ours our young one (5) is no bother (sleeps like a rock) - but his sister (11) appears to have very sharp ears and is prone to bursting in at random times. So the main problem is really psychological - you're having to be very on edge just in case. I've thought about putting locks on the door - but we think we'll need a securish lock. The current plan is to convert our garage into an office - and use that for adult fun time.
I would dispatch them round to grandparents but ours really don't want to look after any of ours.
In some respects our place is starting to feel quite small - not because its physically small but because theres zip privacy from ears that might be overhearing.
What do you do when they 16 and 14 and dont go to bed till midnight and 16 hardly still never sleeps and if one gone to a disco other still at homei work sat nites to make matters worse so whole sex life non existing im afraid plese help me as well cant wait till all move out but will my wanting return cos at the moment its not there. im 43 already and dont want to be an old dried up prune yet.please help i still love him but at moment dont know if i like him!!!!!
What do you do when they 16 and 14 and dont go to bed till midnight and 16 hardly still never sleeps and if one gone to a disco other still at homei work sat nites to make matters worse so whole sex life non existing im afraid plese help me as well cant wait till all move out but will my wanting return cos at the moment its not there. im 43 already and dont want to be an old dried up prune yet.please help i still love him but at moment dont know if i like him!!!!!
Get out of the house? Depending on where you live, why not go gathering nuts in May? Take your favourite toys with you on a nice day and find a nice spot where you won't be disturbed! Sex al fresco is highly reccommended alone or as a couple! Tell your kids you have taken up jogging or walking... Hope this helps...
Okay, okay calm down everyone. There isn't a giant earth killing asteroid heading towards earth! Well there probably is but just don't think about it!
My kids are 17-daughter and 11-son. Your kids should not be storming into your room. You need to set boundries for them. They need to be aware that your bedroom is a no go area as early as possible in their lives, also put an internal lock on your door that you can lock when you are having sex. The noise issue: If this bothers you, just keep it as quiet as possible, simple. As they're growing up you need to take any window of oppotunity that comes along. When they're in school or pop home/meet up from work for lunch if possible, obviously having your parents or relatives to babysit them, this can all be fun and looking at it in this light can turn a negative into a positive situation.
I agree totally with SG. I think I probably first overheard my parents having sex when I was 10 or so, I was a bit gicked out, but quite soon realised that I was lucky to have parents who were still into eachother in that way. I've overheard them many, many more times over the years and now it doesn't bother me in the slightest. More power to them, I say!
Now, I don't have kids. But I can't help but think that the FIRST time your kid bursts in on you having sex would also be the last. Of course, younger kids wouldn't know what was going on... but for older kids, the embarrassment factor would be so high that they'd learn the lesson instantly, surely?
Maybe I'm just ridiculously laid-back about parental sex though! My parents are pretty young still, 46 and 43.
