Sexual attraction?

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hello all,

Just an honest from the heart post.

My wife and I have chatted about same room sex and is has said she would be happy to do that in the right situation but no more than that. She said she is aroused by swinging type situations and we role play a bit but said she wouldn’t do it in reality.

So my question or rather some clarity is this as I have no one else I can talk to about this in person. If I happen to be in a busy supermarket for example I would say 1 out of every 2 women between 21 - 50 I feel a sexual attraction to and would love to have hot passionate sex with. Is anyone else the same? Male or Female? Something about the brand newness of it all which is a huge arousal point. Obviously thats impossible but thats how it is. My wife and I are pretty open about things and I have said this to her and she says that is not normal and somethings wrong with me. What do others think? Sometimes I feel pretty alone and feel like what is wrong with me. Is anyone else the same? Male or Female?

I don’t think I should have to feel this way and wont want to be around people who think anything sexual or any man who has sexual desire to another woman is dirt.

Another topic or some thoughts on something else I would appreciate some thoughts on is this.

I have had this my whole life and I am so sick and tired of being called derogatory terms or looked down on for being open about sexual things by men and women. Why does anything to do with a body part or anything sexwise cause others to totally trash them and call them a creep etc. I certainly do not go around complimenting women by saying they are sexy etc as know most times it wouldnt go down well nor would I have the confidence to do it anyhow.

Also even this, 3 days ago while out at a amusement park a good looking lady had a short skirt on and was on a ride and due to the position of the ride she was unable to cross her legs. I happened to notice and she happened to notice me notice. She looked very annoyed like I was some kind of creep and immediately put a jumper inbetween her legs. Same thing happened a couple of weeks ago when a woman with a low cut top of leaned over in front of me and she noticed that I noticed I could see a good view of her breasts in a bar that she got annoyed and put her hands over the top of her shirt to block the view. Not like I was leaning over with my tounge out or anything I just looked.

Why does it seem like anyone who talks about anything sexwise, or looks at something a woman is revealing ie like above called a creep or made to feel like dirt. Ofcourse there have been the odd times when this has happened and the lady has been flattered that obviously I found her attractive and if anything revealed a bit more. But for some women to go to the other extreme of calling you derogatory terms or giving you a very dirty looks, I just think why???

As woman if a man or woman checks out your breasts/butt etc how does this make you feel? flattered, not bothered or annoyed and think the guys a creep? or does it depend on if the guy is good looking? my wife said its quite flattering when a man or woman double takes her low cut top etc. However, some women get annoyed.

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Hi @thelordofhope :wave:
Welcome to the forum!

There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual attraction to anyone as long as you have enough control not to act on it then that’s totally fine.

I’m female and straight, I would say there are definitely occassions I’ve seen a really attractive guy and done a double take glance back to check him out. This is not often though, maybe 3 or 4 times in the entirety of my supermarket shopping trips (to use your example) and I go weekly :rofl:. Few more times on night’s out and more so when I was younger and single… though I was probably looking for potential sex then too. I do relate to your feelings though and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way.

I think it is how you do it and the situation that might be the issue. Of the two examples you gave, if I was the lady on the fairground ride, I would have looked annoyed too but probably felt it just as much at myself for allowing the situation to happen and the jumper placement would have been my call too. I very much doubt she intended to expose herself.

Personally, I spend most of my life looking like I’ve been dragged backwards through a haystack (I work on a farm) so when I do make the effort to look nice when I go out I quite like the subtle double takes and being checked out. It is flattering. I wouldn’t appreciate lewd comments.

I think where you run into problems is when body parts are exposed that women (or men) aren’t intending to expose. Appreciation of accidental exposures is very rarely going to get you a positive response. I do understand your feelings and there’s nothing wrong with the feelings but the women in question did not intend for you to see and they are annoyed that you did.

I think there are plenty of Swingers clubs where you are under no obligation to join in and fetish clubs where the focus is on voyeurism not swapping. Not my area of expertise but there are plenty on the forum who can help you. If however, your wife just likes the idea but wouldn’t be up for it in reality then that is fine too.

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Quite often see women who i think are very attractive, and i can appreciate why women would find certain men attractive, it’s perfectly natural. As for cleavage or accidental flashing, i think it depends on how you react. An accidental glance then look away is fine, but continuing to stare is not or make appeciative expressions. Sometimes people do do it for the attention, but for most women it will be unwanted attention, and they can’t go aroung wearing big thick jumpers etc all the time to hide their bodies.

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Thanks I mean all I do is just find most women attractive sexually and would love to have sex with them and if a woman is wearing something revealing yes I do take a second look, if she looks like shes not liking it then I just look away. That’s it.
I have noticed women stare at me on the rare occasion, pretty rare yes, however I found it incredibly complimentary and flattering, so long as it wasnt like a constant stare without stoppng lol, which I wouldnt ever ever do either to anyone and if anyone didnt like a 2nd look by them giving me a dirty look or something like that I would not look anymore. Simple. How is anything dirty or wrong with any of that, NOTHING.
Only once did I say I say I am sure you have a beautiful vagina to a woman when she referenced her vagina but ok she wasnt saying it in a sexual reference and neither was I, wouldnt do it again anyhow. Have people seen naked attraction on TV they are always complimenting the contestants vaginas as beautiful and other complimentary words on the TV.

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Welcome to the forum :slightly_smiling_face: :upside_down_face: :slightly_smiling_face:

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I rarely come across men I find attractive enough to do a double take, and the thought is never sex first after that :sweat_smile: I also never really notice if men notice me, before I started dating my OH or now, I’m highly unobsservent in that regard and I’m sure he notices more than I do :sweat_smile: I agree with @Peitho, alot of the “creep” factor can be situational and wether you’re getting dressed up for the reason of getting noticed or to look nice, or if it’s more in your day-to-day life :woman_shrugging: I also feel like a lot of it can be if you find the man looking attractive or not, as I have an image that comes to my mind of a stereotypical “creepy” guy, but that will be different for other women :woman_shrugging:

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Thanks all, some really helpful and insightful responses.
Now my wife says she never feels instant or any sexual attraction to anyone, only non physical attraction. Can I ask about the other ladies here on this? Do you ever feel instant sexual attraction to anyone or only non sexual attraction? or both at the same time on first sight?
I agree, as a man I can say this, not sure for other men, but if I see an attractive woman for example out and about and if I am attacted to her, there will be an instant split second sexual attraction and/or non sexual physical attraction. This happens instantly on sight. Sometimes just one and sometimes both types of attraction instantly, I have never known a time when I was attracted to a woman non sexually and sexual attraction did not come along soon after though.

My wife is attracted to men and women at times, non sexually. She will take a second look at women at times who shes attracted to, sometimes she said its a really nice shape of her bum or just an over all shape of her figure.
I have asked her about her attraction to women as I was curious and she said thinks she would enjoy making out with a woman and I have writen her text fantasies about her and a woman she works with who she said was very good looking and she said they made her horney as hell. She said shes not Bi but who knows.
She has said some of the things she would be happy with doing and something she would not. Things she would be happy with would be making out with a woman she was attracted too, having same room sex with another couple, swapping a massage with another couple etc…but honestly cant see how that could ever happen as we wouldnt want to goto a swingers club or anything like that, would just have to be a couple or a woman we got to know as friends and kind of went from there.
She said its not sexual attraction though.
For me it can be sexual and/or non sexual attraction simultaneously.
Shes very open minded and points out ohh you missed a really hot lady or the other day I noticed a guy who was off the charts good looking and said to her "what do you think of that guy?! and she looked and it was quite funny as I could tell she instantly thought he was very attractive by how she looked when she saw him and she was like “ohhh that really really good looking guy in the white top you mean?!” I personally love it when guys check her out and give her a second look and find it quite arousing to be honest. Not sure why.

Out of interest, my wife said when she masturbates and climaxes she can not think of anyone, ever. Only she focuses on the feelings and sensations of her body, its nothing sexual to her when she masturbates and climaxes? Is this the same for you? I know for me as a male if I masturbate and climax I have to be thinking in my head of a woman/women in a sexual situation with me, I can not be thinking about the shopping list as my wife could be lol.

Funny question, I said to my wife, I bet, in your whole life, shes only 41, theres been hundreds or men who have fantasized about you. She found that hard to believe, but as a male and having male friends I am pretty confident I am right about that. Also about the lovely women taking the time to reply to my questions, I bet the same is also for you all too.
I then said, wouldnt it be interesting if you had all the names of the men who have fantasied about you on a piece of paper and I bet you would be shocked by some of the names ie brother in laws etc…she said she would for sure find it interesting, would you?

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I always used to think about women when masturbating but have gradually turned it round to generally focus on myself and the feelings nowadays.

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Everyone is different and people tend to have different beliefs on stuff but I can guarantee you there is nothing wrong in how you are as it was only yesterday when I were in the supermarket and got all giddy thoughts towards a hot guy I saw and realistically it’s a natural thing for us to have these lustful senses, it’s pretty much like when someone gets a fantasy crush on a celebrity and obsesses over them with posters or calendars lol, and the fact you’ve said you’d not ever act on them is a good reassurance for your wife, plus you’ve been open to her about it all.

With regards to the other topic I can understand it on both sides as there is a big stigma about this sort of thing from a long history of women feeling degraded or even sexualised by comments and actions put towards them in public and so for that all woman’s rights has to be respected so not to tarnish peoples confidence… but on the other hand if a lady isn’t comfortable with how people look at them even if it is all innocent eye gazing then they really shouldn’t be wearing things what will get that attention towards them as obviously man or woman, if you see a lady with a big cleavage or a really short revealing skirt, people are gonna stare by accident as it’s an eye trap!
Same with if a man was to walk about with no top on or tight trousers, people will stare.

Sometimes I think we all need to remember equality as a whole is a 2 way thing and not just one sided. Respect should be given to all and all should respect each other by not taking some things too close to heart. Today’s society has become far too much constricted on freedom of speech and within that true meaning of equality has been tainted… yes I just had a rambling waffle lol :speak_no_evil:

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It’s an interesting topic and I’ve had different opinions and experiences with regard to it over the years. Whether you’re happy with being attracted to so many people depends on what effect it has on you. Does it give you a feeling of pleasant arousal so you feel more energetic, happier, looking forward to what you can do later with your partner or yourself? Or a feeling of frustration that you want to have sex with this person you’ve just seen but can’t? Or the embarrassment of being glared at or called a creep?

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Essentially you can think what you like, but when that is being projected by your actions ( looks you give) that is when you are going to run in to trouble and rightly so.
In short , keep it subtle and dont risk making anyone feel uncomfortable.

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Some great points there. I’m 10 years n very very happy with my oh but it’s humanly natural to look at others and think like that. The human race is so successful cause men want to have sex with women n visa versa. I’m not one for staring but when your eyes catch what you mention it’s impossible not to glance quickly. Nature makes men attracted to breasts for a reason, sex is so enjoyable for a reason, so we do it often to reproduce! It’s biologically programmed in the brain to think like that. I have an oh I dearly love, a mother, sister, niece I love with all my heart. We all do. Some very very sick brings out there but quickly glancing at a woman in a top which is showing off her best features very well is natural. If my oh is out with a sexy outfit on it’s your feel sexy within herself, someone glances at her then who can I judge, makes us both feel good

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I am 82 and lost my partner 7 ýears ago and until w years ago had no interest in sex . Now i am in a relationship again and feeling very happy. It must show because i am noticing i am getting lots of smiles from women i pass in the street.

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I totally agree. I think this can be true for people of any gender identity too.

Viewing other people is an active process. Eyes are not cameras that present what is in front of them unfiltered. They actively scan what‘s around us. Looking is driven by a number of conscious and unconscious choices. We largely can choose what we look at, how long for, and why.

There are many unwritten societal norms about where we should and shouldn‘t fix our vision, that may vary from culture to culture. What you or I think is acceptable isn’t necessarily ok with everyone, everywhere.

One common societal norm is looking at people mostly to the face rather than at their chest, crotch or butt, while talking to them or viewing them in a general public setting.

Another common one is how we tend not to look into someone‘s eyes for too long (except perhaps our lover‘s) because it can be read as aggressive or intimidating, or looking with some other specific intent like an amorous one. Eye contact can signal to another person we’re engaged in a conversation, or act as an unspoken acknowledgement, so it can be reassuring and comforting, while too much eye contact can be very unsettling.

Sure, it‘s completely natural to find other people attractive and have sexual fantasies about strangers. Fantasies don’t hurt anyone, until they’re acted on, or shared with the wrong person. Looking around us and finding what we see attractive, is perfectly ok.
But I do think it‘s crossing a line when the other person can see you looking, and the look lingers in a way that might make them uncomfortable. It‘s actively involving them in a social interaction they may find desirable, but they might instead find intensely uncomfortable, or frightening.

Now say, for example, I‘m talking to a close relative who happens to have a hot body, and is sunbathing at the time. It‘s just not ok for a number of reasons to be scanning them up and down and checking it all out while talking to them.

Now change the close relative out for a stranger in this scenario, and we’re talking about a whole different dynamic, but for me, whether it’s my mum (taking an extreme here), or a hot stranger I’ve just met, the basic principle is still the same. If there’s potential to make the other person uncomfortable with where I’m looking and for how long, I’ll tend to err on the side of caution.

People wear revealing or skin tight clothes for so many reasons; fashion tastes, to regulate body temperature, tanning/ vitamin D, and so on.

I guess we now live in a world where we can so easily view images of other people‘s bodies. I wonder if this can de-sensitise us to what’s ok to look at in the real world?

While most people feel comfortable enough to take pride in or feel unashamed of their bodies, there‘s a difference in being viewed incidentally in passing, and actively viewed: ‘checked out‘ if you prefer to put it that way.
The first kind of viewing is unavoidable and expected, the second is a choice, in my opinion.

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Hi @thelordofhope

This part of the original question’s a really interesting one for me.
I guess I’m quite similar in finding most women attractive at first glance & I could fantasise about hot passionate sex with maybe about half of 21-50 year-olds. In a fantasy sense, sure.

The reality of how many of them would turn me off the moment we got to know each other, or how many might find me attractive, or would consent to hot passionate sex in the right setting… :thinking: Dunno. But I guess in a fantasy sense none of this matters!
I don’t think this is abnormal or unhealthy.

In real life, though, putting aside that I’m in a (so far​:wink:) monogamous long term relationship, and assuming the other person gave enthusiastic consent, I would also probably want to have a certain connection and compatibility with the other person. I wouldn’t find hot passionate sex easy until I’d built a rapport. And I’d feel very uncomfortable sleeping with anyone younger than about 30. And preferably after an STI check. :joy:
It’s such a shame how reality intrudes on my fantasy sex life…
Sigh!

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I think its perfectly normal to look if a female or male is wearing something revealing to look, I know for me its kind of magnetic but its all about tact and looking respectfully and not staring and judging each situation based on the other persons reaction. If the other person is uncomfortable and you can tell by their actions or expression then do not look again. If the other person seems to be enjoying or not minding the attention then its ok to look a send time etc or longer. However, not risk that person going from ok with it to not ok, best to draw the line and not look for too long and stop the glance’s at a reasonable point. Also to maybe turn that into a smile and some eye contact and see if its reciprocated and then maybe a nice chat will start and an introduction, then maybe an exchange of numbers and a relationship of some kind or maybe even some very hot sex.

If I notice a woman I find attractive, wether sexually or not, and I make a very non invasive quick eye contact to see if she responds or not, sometimes the eye contact is replicated back and keeps going and sometimes a smile back. Sometimes, its not replicated and thats the end of it and I do not make anymore glances.

For instance, (this situation happens at times) I noticed when out and about a very good looking woman last week and she was wearing some quite revealing clothing and we made eye contact with eachother a good 10 or so times with eachother in a very nice way. I can tell when theres mutual attraction and there is not, I got the impression it was a genuine mutual attraction as I can read situations well also because she was looking at me when I was not looking at her a few times also because there were a few mutual smiles exchanged. I noticed she had a wedding ring on, which ofcourse makes no difference as attraction to others does not dissapear just because we are married. I do not know her situation, maybe her and her husband on the rare occasion do swing, most probably it was just two people who were attracted to eachtother and would have loved to have had hot passionate sex with eachother or maybe she was just thinking “yes I do find this man attractive and I am enjoying that he does also but wouldn’t take it any futher as I am in a celibate relationship with my husband” or maybe she was thinking if I was not in a celibate relationship with my husband as we both clearly are attracted to eachother I wonder what a relationship would be like with this person.

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I agree with you and I am the same. Do a little experiment with yourself when you are out and about somewhere busy and count how many women you see between, I guess for you 30 - 50 I think you said and how many of those fantastic beautiful women, even ones you do not find attractive, who in an ideal world, if they also were sexually attrative to you and wanted to have hot passionaite sex with you, that you would like to also. What percentage it would be. Although you have also already been kind enough to mention that about half of 30 - 50 year olds.

Wouldnt it be nice in an ideal world, or maybe some would not like this, but if we all, male and female had a irresistible need which had to be fulfilled consensually ofcourse to have hot passionate non emotional one time sex with half of all the adult population (within our adult age range) and of those half ofcourse were ones we found attracted and it was to be done on a weekly/or 3 day basis and the sexual no matter what was either incredibly fulfilling or at worst still nice.
That this was the way of the world and we could all still have a one stable relationship/marriage but this was also a human necessity we all had and we all needed and accepted our wife/husband also needed.
Would anyone like this? Or admit to it? it that was the way society was?

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I think I might ask this as a stand alone question as I am curious to know and it will probably get lost in this thread.

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For me, with regard to this fantasy world, this is a deal breaker. I find emotional connection important for great sex.
I care about the other person’s enjoyment and individual boundaries, and general social niceties matter. Communication, consent, and everyone’s enjoyment is essential.

I’m also uncomfortable with the level and scale of objectification implied by your fantasy scenario. People treating other people as playthings for sexual gratification can be fun within certain negotiated boundaries, between some consenting adults. However, in practice it requires a level of knowledge and trust in the other person, that in my view is impossible to ensure where sex happens between strangers or near strangers.
People would get hurt. Both physically and emotionally, because people have such diverse desires, bodies, and minds.

It’s not a thing I would fantasise about. Sorry. I just don’t relate to this.

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