Oooh, all good questions. I have lots to say! Am on the iPad so formatting might be a bit weird...
> "For me "The Scene" seems impenetrable, full of confident people doing confident things, confidently." Not true! Fetlife is the Facebook of kink. People don't post their fears or struggles or lack of confidence, they only post the good stuff. As an online-based community, there is a large proportion of people on the scene who are introverts, who have less-than-amazing social skills, who are shy, etc. The great thing about the scene (at least the scene in Dublin) is that everyone is open minded enough not to judge on first appearances. People are welcoming and friendly and make an extra effort with newbies.
> "I'm always concerned that the first time I go i'll run into a guy I need to deal with at work, or somehow friends will learn of my kinks, etc."
The first people I met on the scene were people I already knew from "Real Life". Those people are now my closest friends. It's not a bad thing to meet someone you already know on the scene, it's a good thing! It means they're into the same stuff as you, and you have one more ally than you did before. It's really reassuring as well, it takes away some of the shame or taboo around kink to know there are other kinksters in every walk of life. As for your friends finding out -- a few of my friends know I'm kinky and it makes no difference to them. If it did, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore and that would be their loss.
> "Do you attend local or national events, how did you get into them and how do you feel about it?"
I do attend local/national events. I live in the capital so most "national" events are local for me, if that makes sense. I got into them through Fetlife and I absolutely love them. I've made tons of friends and the dynamic between me & my partner has developed and deepened since we started attending events.
> "Have you made friends, is it a social thing"
Yes, lots! It's very social. We have 2 munches per month, a monthly fetish nightclub night, a monthly Peer Rope workshop, a bimonthly play party, and fetish markets, private parties, etc etc. We could (and sometimes do) attend a kink event once a week if we were inclined! We're visiting a kinky friend's house this weekend where she's going to give us some rope lessons & tips, so yes, I've definitely made friends that I would never have found otherwise.
> "do you actively get involved or simply go there to witness and learn as opposed to take part?"
To begin, we were fairly sure we wouldn't want to play in public, but that has since changed. There's definitely nothing wrong with attending to observe others! But we found the atmosphere so respectful and open and comfortable that we found to our surprise that we really wanted to play. There are usually rules and monitors at events to ensure that everyone's space is respected and that scenes run smoothly.
If I had to give you one tip, it would be to see if you can befriend another couple of newbies who are also hesitant about attending events. Me & my partner befriended another couple online (it turns out we knew them in real life already, as I said above!) and it made it much less stressful to take those first steps together as a group.
Start with a munch, they're vanilla and low-pressure, just a night in the pub with new friends. Absolute worst thing that can happen is that you don't enjoy it, at which point you can leave. But I'd definitely push any kinkster towards attending events. Fetlife is great, but it's no match for the benefit of a real, face-to-face community of people.