Ok.. I can only go from my experiences and hopefully it will help you.
A few years ago, I became very ill therefore sex and orgasms were not on the scale at that point. During that time, I was frustrated because I felt a pressure to be young and to "enjoy yourself" with other people and I wasn't ready.
I focussed on myself; spritually, mentally and physically. Gradually, I practiced yoga, slept a lot, enjoyed spending time with friends, and worked hard; I didn't think about sex. I became stronger and better. Eventually, I was stimulated by either work, friends, cooking, yoga etc every hour of the day; I became more energetic and I never let myself get bored.
One day, I was pottering about my room and I felt something and some thoughts. And I had the urge to play with myself which I did. I had a fantastic orgasm and it carried on from there. It really did just happen one day. I can't tell you what triggered it only that I was relaxed and I was alone.
Personally, I think when you relax in all aspects of your life, it has an impact on how you feel towards yourself therefore results occur. Sleep and diet is very important; I am very careful about what I eat etc. Also, staying mentally stimulated (not sexually) and prevent boredom.
There's nothing wrong about taking time to focus on yourself. People will just have to deal with it if they don't like it.
sweetlove666 has suggested some good toys and saying not to put too much pressure on yourself and stressing about an orgasm will mean you're far less likely to get there is true.
I know you have expressed you prefer the idea of a toy touching you rather than yourself but I think it's important to have connection with yourself mentally/spiritually and sometimes using your fingers is more natural and may physically arouse you in a gentler way, however there is nothing wrong about using toys to help.
Hope it helps :).