So it dawned on me that I haven't given an update lately on my "depression" or "low mood" I say it with quotation marks as I'm still unaware of what it is that's causing me to feel this way.
Now as I'm sure many of you on my twitter are aware I still get low thoughts but I try to keep most of it to myself.
A bit of good news is (in case you haven't been following my other thread) is I finally lost my virginity! it was with a gorgeous man I'd been talking to for weeks and weeks and we had met up previous too, we are now not doing it anymore as this was only ever going to be a one off thing or at best, a friends with benefits situation and for reasons explained in the other thread we stopped after the first time. He gave me a huge confidence boost and I feel genuinely happy with the entire thing. I didn't hurt, I wasn't too emotionally invested, we used protection and judging by things he said beforehand and what he did I think I did it really well. It was nerve wracking as anything but it was also incredibly amazing and he will always be a part of my heart... my first time and all that. I feel lucky that I can always look back on it with good memories and to be honest I'm still buzzing from it all this time later (like 4-5 days later)
However, my grandad has already been back in hospital this year, my brother has his pre op appointment for his spinal surgery (meaning the surgery itself should be a max of 10 days later). Work has been a nightmare, they complained because I'm withdrawn and made out they knew nothing of my problems (not like i broke down to the manager explaining all... oh wait i did!) however for now at least after a word with the owners they're being nicer and I get a day off in the week (rota day, everyone else gets one too i never did even when i was working 50 hour weeks) I've also been offered and have accepted the offer of occupational therapy and i've been told that the managers and other workers won't know what's being said so i can hopefully come clean about all the stresses one manager in particular has been causing me since day 1.
I'm still waiting for my councelling session, i'm getting a phonecall appointment March 8th for help. No one really knows this other than a friend of mine. Just before NYE i went for a walk and i wouldn't say i was exactly suicidal i just thought if a car hits me i wouldn't care less, i considered taking myself to hospital but got myself out of it.
Two of my mates particularly have been amazing with me but my two "best friends" have only yesterday started speaking to me again demanding to know why i won't speak to them even though i've told them several times, i also explained it to the older sister of one mate too. A few weeks back i took down their photos and tore them to shreds. I'm going to see what advice therapy can give me with them.
My two amazing friends though (the ones that are there for me) will chat to me til stupid times even when they've got work early next morning, they'll ring me NYE just gone midnight to tell me how much they and everyone in the room with them (people i know mostly) love me too, one of them despite all the things she's going through is currently planning an amazing weekend for me with her, and two of her friends who are desperate to meet me. She plans on giving me the best weekend of my life and i can't wait. The other friend, well he sits patiently when i'm fussing, and has his own tactics to keep me from being too negative and to help me to sleep a little better at night. I never feel as low as i did when i speak to these two, just a shame neither of them are local to me.
I had stress with work something chronic at one point i literally pictured myself jumping out of the window, when i feel this low i just remember my family and friends and the kids i work with and know i can't do this to them. I mean how would you explain to 2-4 year olds why Kirsty jumped out of the window? i've seen what this sort of stuff does to people and i won't do it i'll just keep fighting. Luckily i havent felt that bad for a while now (about a month and the two times i did where due to very severe circumstances.. ok one was the other i just felt lonely depressed and shit but my friends and family keep me going)
My eating's starting to go off on one again (not eating much) and I'm finding it hard to fall asleep but as soon as i'm down that's it i'm not waking up until my alarm goes off.
I still feel i'm worthless, like i don't deserve love, like i don't deserve any good that comes into my life and kind of lonely because i just want a boyfriend somone who can make me feel loved, give me cuddles and kisses and hold my hand.
So yeah sorry long update mostly negative but i'm getting the help i've just got a few more days before my first appointment. I'll let you know how it goes.
PS: i've now got like 20 sex toys/essentials! :O