There is some great advice on here . I think its great you are really looking at all views , I really wish my OH had done the same.
I have to say I was very anti children and would never date any one with children ! This was how i felt over the last 10 years until recently. Now I am looking at any means we can to have a child and I also paid for the reversal my OH had done last year.
I think it is because I find I have more paitence now and love seeing my niece and my baby cousins , they are so joyful. It makes me more determined to the end goal and if IVF is not an option I will adopt. However I would very much love for me and the OH to have a baby together.
I can 100% say I never thought I would hear or see myself feel like this. So I guess I am trying to say minds change and it is a decision that although can be reversed can have consequences.
With the reverse if too many antibodies have been produced it can damage the potential sperm coming through after reversal . There for the tubes can be fixed , however feritlity may not be fixed.
I think everyone agrees that this is a really big step to take as you just can't predict which way your lives will take you.
I agree with LH Leanne that reversal is certainly not successful in everyone.
Best of luck with the baby making Leanne. It is an irony of life that many people desperately struggle to have children but can't whilst others conceive while trying not to!
the love of a child is epic, think of how much you love your partner and times that by 1000. I thought i knew love, until i heard my eldest's first cry.
I would say to atleast wait until you're 30, before any life changing ops
Thanks again to everyone who has commented :) If anyone else feels like sharing their views, I'm finding it very helpful and thought-provoking to hear different perspectives.
I'm wondering if you might be able to answer this Leanne... Did your OH have any tests to confirm that he had regular fertility before his vasectomy, or before he had the reversal at all? I thought that the medical process of getting a vasectomy would be pretty difficult, first with convincing a doctor, and then I thought that perhaps men would need to undergo some testing to make sure that they were fertile to begin with since the procedure would be discomfort/pain and it might not be necessary. With reversals being expensive and sometimes ineffective, I also wondered whether there was any sort of fertility test beforehand.
Definitely wishing you all the best for conceiving or going through the adoption route :)
the love of a child is epic, think of how much you love your partner and times that by 1000. I thought i knew love, until i heard my eldest's first cry.
I would say to atleast wait until you're 30, before any life changing ops
I find this really interesting because it's something that seems to be pretty much universal in parents, but I truly hate the idea of finding that my love for my partner wasn't the fullest that it could be. I feel like that would destroy me, and our relationship, to not be the centre of each other's lives. It would change everything for us. A lot of me thinks that I'd never want to have a child because I don't want to love anything more than him, and I don't want him to love anything more than me, because the love that we feel is the biggest thing in both of our lives and we're everything to each other.
I'm not sure people are supposed to feel like I do about this :)
I think it's totally normal to feel like that, even though I know I want children I'm scared of how it'll affect our relationship, as a parent nothing comes before your child, but I think if you love each other enough nothing can come between you, we're a team and will make sure we remember to pay attention to each other and spend time alone. I think the most important thing is remembering that you're a team and need to help each other, children can make you so much stronger as a couple
I'm not a big fan of children, was never that bothered about having kids until I met my ex, then my perspective changed. I had fertility issues though and I could have accepted being childless had it come to that. But I was blessed with a beauitufl baby boy and he is amazing.
I won't sugercoat it, because motherhood has been a rough ride for me, he is 3 now and he still doesn't sleep well. He had issues with feeding and it was so hard for me to put him down because he was often in alot of disconfort. I'm now separated from his dad too so I;m on my own with a lot of the time and it is tough. He's been poorly the last 3 days and I can barely move to go for a wee because he just wants mummy with him and cries when I leave. But would I change it? Not for all the money in the world. He is the most precious treasure I could ever have.
When your very own little person that you grew in your tummy climbs onto your lap and gives you a big kiss, there is no feeling to beat that. Watching them grow and learn is amazing, especially when someone tells you they're a credit to you, it is the most wonderful sense of pride that you are helping shape them into a decent little person :) I told my little boy I grew him in my tummy the other week and he said 'no silly mum' and I asked him where he came from and without even missing a beat he said 'from the shop'. It's such a simple little story but honestly I live for moments like that, they're just priceless.
Not everyone has that deep rooted yearning to be a mum, I know I didn't, but I don't think many people regret having their children. The way you love them is just beyond explanation.
Another point I will make although it's massively depressing and I apologise for that, I also had a a second pregnancy that ended fairly traumatically for me and didn't result in baby. After that I swore no more babies and my husband saw how upset the prospect of pregnancy made me and he offered to have a vasectomy. fast forward 18 months and we are no longer together. It wasn;t something either of us every would have imagined at the time he made that offer and anyone who knows is gobsmacked we have parted. He is only 34 so could still very easily have a family with someone else, I am so glad I didn't take that opportunity away from him. I know we never like to think of parting ways with someone we love, but sometimes life just doesn't go the way we think.
the love of a child is epic, think of how much you love your partner and times that by 1000. I thought i knew love, until i heard my eldest's first cry.
I would say to atleast wait until you're 30, before any life changing ops
I find this really interesting because it's something that seems to be pretty much universal in parents, but I truly hate the idea of finding that my love for my partner wasn't the fullest that it could be. I feel like that would destroy me, and our relationship, to not be the centre of each other's lives. It would change everything for us. A lot of me thinks that I'd never want to have a child because I don't want to love anything more than him, and I don't want him to love anything more than me, because the love that we feel is the biggest thing in both of our lives and we're everything to each other.
I'm not sure people are supposed to feel like I do about this :)
It's completely different, and when you have made a baby with someone you love the bond you gain is beauitful. I say that as someone who is no longer with their childs dad. But that moment when you both look down at that little baby, and your heart fills with love it isn't just for the baby, it's for each other.
Love doesn'e lessen with more love it just grows x
Thanks again to everyone who has commented :) If anyone else feels like sharing their views, I'm finding it very helpful and thought-provoking to hear different perspectives.
I'm wondering if you might be able to answer this Leanne... Did your OH have any tests to confirm that he had regular fertility before his vasectomy, or before he had the reversal at all? I thought that the medical process of getting a vasectomy would be pretty difficult, first with convincing a doctor, and then I thought that perhaps men would need to undergo some testing to make sure that they were fertile to begin with since the procedure would be discomfort/pain and it might not be necessary. With reversals being expensive and sometimes ineffective, I also wondered whether there was any sort of fertility test beforehand.
Definitely wishing you all the best for conceiving or going through the adoption route :)
He did not have any tests before as he was fertile , the main reason for this op was that his ex lost a baby and this led on to such a big decision .
He had to have a test before reversal and an examination to make sure the opertaion would be needed and would be possible to do , as it depends on scar tissue too.
I would also join the people advising against it at this age. I'm only 20 myself and childless (like you, I'm pretty sure I don't want them) but I know my mum didn't want children at all until she was 30. I would definitely wait until then at least just to be sure.
Pulling out definitely isn't a good method of contraception. Have you ever tried oral contraception? I know you say you don't want to but it actually helped my mood problems so you don't know the effects until you try it. I used to get really depressed for about two/three days once a month and that's stopped since I started taking the pill.
One important thing to remember is you often only see the worst qualities of children when they're out and about. Given that you haven't spent a lot of time around friend's children etc, you probably haven't experienced the nicer side of children. It sounds stupid but it's only recently through working with children that I've realised they're actually little people and not these weird alien creatures that cry and do disgusting things all the time :') I still don't think I want them but it's definitely helped me to see them in a more realistic light
I think you also need to consider that spending time with other peoples children is very different to having your own child 24 hours a day, seven days a week. As a midwife I have seen women who never wanted children take to motherhood and some who thought they always wanted children really struggle with motherhood. There is also no guaruntee that if you decide to wait on permanent solutions you will be able to conceive at a later date if you did change your mind about children. As someone else pointed out there is always fostering and adoption and I have known couples who have both undergone ops as they wanted children but prefered to adopt rather than have their own. You both face a very complicated decision for which there is no easy answer.
would also just like to mention I had two pregnancies as a result of the withdrawal method! I knew I wanted children so it wasnt an issue but I would agree with others hear that you should consider another contraceptive method for the time being. I didnt want any hormonal contraceptives like you so we tried various condoms free with the local sexual health clinic and found some really thin non latex ones that worked for us.
the love of a child is epic, think of how much you love your partner and times that by 1000. I thought i knew love, until i heard my eldest's first cry.
I would say to atleast wait until you're 30, before any life changing ops
+1
I completely agree, I also thought I knew real love, but the love for your own children is undescribable. Children are the most precious thing anyone could ever created and they should be thought of as a blessing instead of 'misbehaving terrors'. The joys children bring to you just cannot be achieved by yourself.
I always knew I would have children but was not overly maternally minded, I am not one of these people that needed to have children to fulfil my life, but my kids have done that. To see their smiles is just the most beautiful thing ever, to see them do well at school makes me burst with pride, it feels better than my own achievements.
Not all kids are misbehaving terrors, my children are genuine wee angels-they are so well behaved, well mannered and considerate. Ok they have their moments, but they are few and far between and definitely would not act like that if we were out. Behaviour is 90% how they are taught.
My hubby is planning on being snipped as soon as possible, but we are nearly 30 and have 2 children and 1 on the way. He said even if we were to separate and him be with a new partner, 3 children is enough for him. I definitely think it is a massive step to take in your 20s if you don't have any children.
Perhaps it would be useful to ask for peoples' perspectives on children, since it's something that I've never understood but have also never candidly asked parents about.
So, a couple of questions if people don't mind :) What is it that you enjoy about having your children around? Why do you think having children was better for your life than not having children?
Before I answer, the comments posted about never wanting kids describe me very well in my 20's. I disliked other people's children. I thought them a hinderance and a drain on time and money. I had no experience of youngsters, being the youngest in the family by 10 years and not having friends with younger siblings.
For me, the best thing about being a parent is being reminded of what joy looks like. Nobody can experience joy like a child doing something they love. The rest of the world falls away for them and they are completely absorbed in what they are doing.
I'm not sure my life is better for having a child. The comments about draining time and money are true, and they are hard work. The thing is — I find I don't care. I'm better for having a child, I'm a better person. I've learned so much from him. I wouldn't want to go back to a world where he didn't exist for anything.
The bottom line is that something deep in my brain decided that I was going to be a parent, regardless of my thoughts and personality at the time, and set about changing me to be a good one.
So whatever you decide, bear in mind that you might not be who you think you'll be in five or ten years time, and be wary of limiting your future choices.
Agree with every single word - so much so that I could have written it... except it wouldn't have been so eloquent....
Mr here... OKay.. so I had it done on NHS after our 2nd child ar the age of 33. For me after we got married I was neither here nor there for kids, and in fact would have been happier (or so I thought) never having any as I didn't like kids and never bothered to hold them etc. Being the dutiful husband I did what I had to do to keep Mrs happy and along came No.1. Up until 2 days before the birth I still wasn't convinced I wanted what was coming to us, but we went to the hospital as Mrs thought she was in labour... and when we were a couple waddled in past us... within 2-3mins their baby was delivered in the admittence office in front of us.. that first cry melted me and I couldn't wait to see our first... Loved the whole baby experience and along came No.2, but family circumstances were such that we both were convinced that we did not want ay more. I went to the doc and stated our case, reasons why etc and he agreed.
Day of surgery came and I was in at 8:30am, asleep by 9am and back out at 3:30pm. they never offered a 15min procedure... all I can say is that I have had an ache down there and things can get tender if it is too long between activities.. at least it's an excuse to give to Mrs to keep regular!!!
Overall I enjoy the freedom now, but would rather there was less ache at times down below. No drop in libido and in fact that it can be anywhere at anytime without any fear adds to the fun factor!
the love of a child is epic, think of how much you love your partner and times that by 1000. I thought i knew love, until i heard my eldest's first cry.
I would say to atleast wait until you're 30, before any life changing ops
I find this really interesting because it's something that seems to be pretty much universal in parents, but I truly hate the idea of finding that my love for my partner wasn't the fullest that it could be. I feel like that would destroy me, and our relationship, to not be the centre of each other's lives. It would change everything for us. A lot of me thinks that I'd never want to have a child because I don't want to love anything more than him, and I don't want him to love anything more than me, because the love that we feel is the biggest thing in both of our lives and we're everything to each other.
I'm not sure people are supposed to feel like I do about this :)
This wouldn't muck with how you or your partner feel for eachother, infact it will grow and it's a bond that i can't put into words. love of a partner is different to that of a child and neither will overshadow eachother.
My dad had a vasectomy after me and my brother, and regretted it. He also noted that what is referred to as "discomfort" BEFORE the operation becomes "pain" afterwards! If you want to have method of contraception with no hormones, no barrier, and fairly permenant I highly recommend getting a copper coil (paraguard). It lasts about 10 years as well, I've always hated having hormones and condoms so this has been really great for me, my mum has one as well.
If you've never had kids it is quite painful (was for me anyway) but that's because I didn't have ANY form of painrelief - as soon as ibuprofen kicked in I was fine.
I don't want to say that you might change your minds about having kids because obviously that's your decision and you knwo what you want from life, but I do always think that it's safer to keep the option open - especially when it's something so important that affects someone else.
I would be afraid that if I broke up with my boyfriend and he had a new relationship with someone who wanted children, I would have been part of making a decision that changed someone else's life.
My wife and I were the same as you two, we agreed before getting married that neither of us wanted children. But 5 years after getting married I decided I couldn't go through life never being a dad. I didn't know how to tell my wife, but came home one day to find het crying. When I asked her what was wrong she told me that she couldn't go through life without bring a mother. You can imagine how relieved I wss. We talked everything through and planned our life out, we travelled thr world and did all the things ee wanted to do as s couple. We now have a wonderful son, within the first year he was born I had a vasectomy. Im glad I waited because I wouldn't change a thing. Having a child is the biggest decision in the world not a decision you should make when you have so many years ahead of you and the future cannot be predicted. Personally I feel we are now a family, before we were a couple.
I think that just by posting on here snd saying that your partner is maybe influenced by you answers your own question. Its a decision that has to be made after honest discussion. I suggest you ssk your partner how he feels about never being called DAD, also how do you feel about never being called MUM. Just think if you do go ahead you will never ever be called MUM and DAD.
You do need to look at ALL the contraception options. MRs P and I use condoms if anything, because my wife is hopeless with any sort of medication - just forgets to take it, and on that basis decided that I'd have to have a vasectomy.
As it happens, I had a series of bladder and other health issues after we had our second child, so I've never had the vasectomy, and if I could get it up I could get the Mrs pregnant again! I'm hoping to get back on the rails soon, but whether I'll ever manage to persuade her to look at contraception for her, I don't know. Her line, fairly reasonably, is that she had the kids and the caesarians that went with all that and now it's my turn. My line, which was quite rasonable until I had my health issues, was that if I lost my libido (quite a delicate flower in my case) after a vasectomy, we wouldn't have much to work with.
Now we're in that situation. There are other aspects to sex than penetration, and we make use of some of those, but it would be nice to get a stonking hard-on again and get going. Alas, most of the outcomes for my collections of ailments seem to involve less function, not more!
I"d strongly recommend that you look together at every possible contraception option. They don't all work for everyone, but chances are that there is one out there that will work for you without having to go as far as a vasectomy.