Vasectomy

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I'd be really interested to hear from anyone here who has had, or whose partner has had, a vasectomy, and how it's affected you/your relationship.

My partner and I went to the doctor a few days ago to ask about the procedure because neither of us have ever wanted kids. We'd also read that it's difficult to get a vasectomy done on the NHS until a certain age, so thought it was best to express an interest early on to speed things up in the longrun.

We kind of feel like it's only a matter of time until we're unlucky and I get pregnant and have to have an abortion which would obviously be a major stress. I wouldn't say that we're especially unsafe with sex because he doesn't cum inside, but we also don't use anything because condoms feel bad for us, and a lot of oral contraceptives are out for me because of increased stroke risk. I'm also just generally not happy with using a hormonal contraceptive because I already have mood issues that have taken years to get on track and I'd hate to get totally thrown by medication. We've been carrying on this way for years now but feel like eventually something will happen, or even if it doesn't that we'll have spent years holding back sexually and worrying because of pregnancy fears. It would be really silly and frustrating to get to 35, 40, when the doctor said he performs most vasectomies, and realise that we could have done it now and had all of those years not having to worry about it.

I'm 25 and he's 26, so pretty young in the scheme of things, so the doctor is kind of reserved about performing the surgery, but has allowed my partner to sign the consent form with the idea that we go away and think about it, but he'll allow my partner to book in for the surgery any time from now. My partner seems pretty sure about it, but a little bit of me does worry that perhaps it's somewhat my influence and he wouldn't be so set about it without me. But maybe that's self-centred to think, since he's a very strong-willed person anyway and not the sort of person not to know his own mind.

The doctor suggested googling "I regret my vasectomy" because apparently the younger someone is when they get it done, the more likely it is that they'll regret it in the future, but I thought that this approach might be a bit skewed, so I'd love to hear from anyone who has any experience with it at all. One of the things I'm most worried about for him is that he might be one of the unlucky people who experiences ongoing pain. We're so happy with everything in general that it would be horrible to have something that's supposed to improve life cause a problem like that.

Anyway, would love to hear any thoughts or experiences :)

2

Hi Skitty

My husband had a vasectomy a few years ago at the age of 35. Our doctor was not keen for him to have one as he doesn't have children of his own and I do. We had tried to have children together but it became too dangerous for me due to health issues and similar to you for peace of mind when having sex we needed something we knew we could rely on. We discussed myself having my tubes tied instead but as the female op is more invasive and I had already been through a fair bit of trauma we agreed he would have a vasectomy. We eventually managed to convince the doctor!

He has had no issues following the vasectomy, no pain, no loss of labido, sex is not affected. He had it at our local doctors, without scalpel incision (they make a small hole with a cauterisation tool) The only suggestion he would give is not to have the needle less injection for the op, the doctor said it would be less painful and would feel like "an elastic band gently flicking the testicles" ! He said it was very painful and it made him bleed quite a bit despite having no needle. Recovery was pretty quick after a few days he was moving around as normal and I think we were back to sex within a fortnight.

3

I had mine done when i was about 38. Doctors weren't to happy and said they would prefer i wait till i was over 40. Mrs Badger and myself have one child and we told them that under no sicumstances did we want another. Got the go ahead and had it done on a friday morning. I think i was in and out in about 15 minutes. Small injection, tiny cut and then cauterised. Was driving that afternoon. Back at work on monday was a bit sensitve as i'm a motorcycle tecnichion and did feel at a bit riding the bikes but not to painfull ( wasn't taking any painkillers ).

Was having sex again after about a week and never noticed anything different, Mrs B says she hasen't noticed any difference, i'm still very horny LOL.

Hope this is of some help.

Mr Badger

4

My wife was dead-set against having kids, and I was ambivalent. That lasted until we were in our 30's and then over the course of about a week her opinion did a complete 180. We now have a little boy who means the world to us.

If you are using withdrawal as a contraceptive method, then I'm stunned that you haven't fallen pregnant already if you've been doing that for years. I'd strongly advise talking to someone who can review all of the contraception methods currently available. For example, Persona could fit your needs. The implant, while hormone based, could be removed if you have an adverse reaction. An IUD is non-hormonal and can be used by women who have never been pregnant. There are a lot of non-surgical options out there - ask at your surgery to talk to someone who specialises in contraception, rather than the GP.

All that said, it's your partners body and his choice. Just be aware that I've found from personal experience that the desire to have kids can radically change and vasectomy reversal does not always work.

5

FYI using the 'pull out method' isn't 100% proof, as long as there is precum, you can still fall pregnant.

The NHS wouldn't even look at you for this, as you are considered young.

I have the implant, which has stopped all periods etc but it may not work out for others. There are condoms out there that work brilliant EXS (you can get from lovehoney) are super thin.

TBH the NHS dr's would want you to try out as many diff contraceptive measurements, before having the snip.

Good luck though x

6

I think you should google what your doctor said. You need to see all the negatives before making a descision, if you're worried about being talked out of it then maybe you're not as sure as you think. I'm impressed you've managed years on the pull out method, it's far from effective. Good luck with whatever you choose, could I ask why you decided he have a vasectomy rather than you have your tubes tied? And you having the op may reduce your concern that you're imposing something on him he may not necessarily want without your influence?

7

All the way through my 20s and early 30s I had an aversion to babies and toddlers. I couldn't imagine being a father as I was far too busy with work, sport and life in general.

When I met my OH we vaguely talked about children after a few months but I kind of just skimmed over it. However on the night we married she fell pregnant! I still wasn't convinced and I can't honestly say that the birth was an earth shattering moment for me either - I was knid of matter of fact about it.

However I can honestly say that the 2 children that I now have are just brilliant - I'm so glad that I've had the opportunity to be a dad.

However after the two by the time I was in my late 30s I did go and have a vasectony. It was a straight forward proceedure, all done within about 30 mins and with no lasting after effect apart from the obvious one.

I did have a dull ache for about 3-4 days afterward but erectile function wasn't impared at all and we enjoy a full sex life but without the condoms.

8

My partner was 26 when he had his and long story short ... £2200 later we have a reversal sorted ! 

They was quite reserved to do the operation so young and he wishes now he had taken more time to think about it as now we are paying for it as at 31 and 30 our plans have changed :( 

Unfortunately the reversal Op has not gone to plan and he is still inferitile so now we are looking at other methods . Please please think long an hard about this , he was certatin when he had his done and as i say things and minds have changed. I am sure whatever you decide will be best for you both .. good luck ! 

9

Had mine done about 6 weeks ago. In and out in 30 minutes.

My doctor did make me go away and think about it for a few weeks but we already have three healthy children so there wasn't much to think about.

Once I had told the doc I definately wanted the op I was booked in within 6 weeks.

Op was a litle uncomfortable on one side during the procedure but now I have no pain and sex life is as it was before the op.

10

Thank you so much for all of your responses, it's been really helpful to hear your thoughts. It's really good to hear from people who have had the op already, and that perhaps it isn't so worrying in terms of pain. I realise that everyone is different, but it's definitely reassuring to hear from people who have gone through it.

We're trying to take into account the opposite side of things, since obviously to a lot of people children are very important, but honestly can't imagine having biological children as the people that we are, regardless of age. Neither of us have ever really had any contact with children as I'm an only child and my partner is so close in age to his sibling that he never had any sort of care-giving role. I've never even held a baby, so there's no way that I could decide that I want a child of my own, and I sort of feel that since I've never had any maternal inclination to be around children that perhaps it isn't for me. I couldn't eat or sleep for days before getting kittens because of how terrifying I found the idea of a change to my lifestyle, so I think a baby might just kill me ;) I understand that with it being a vasectomy it's definitely more about my partner's feelings, but he has a complete aversion to kids as well, and with being together that only gets stronger.

To answer a couple of questions people have put to me, I'm not considering an operation myself because, as Luscious Libby says, the female op is a lot more invasive. It's also nowhere near as effective, with NHS stats saying that 1 in 200 women will go on to get pregnant, whereas with vasectomy only 1 in 2000 men will go on to make a woman pregnant.

I'm going to research the different contraceptive methods that people have mentioned here in cae any of them are more suitable. Some of them may be new to me, as I can never remember all the names and terms for the different things, but I've done research on it for years now and have never been able to settle on anything because of the possible side-effects, or things that wouldn't suit me for various reasons.

We realise that the pull out method isn't perfect, and that we're probably very lucky to have had no problems from it so far, but it's one of those things where it's difficult to get information about how likely someone is to get pregnant from it because of conflicting information.

We're very fortunate that the doctor was understanding about it, because if we decide that it's the right thing for us then my partner will be able to get a vasectomy straight away, which he seems keen on to get things sorted out and ensure no accidental pregnancy. I was really quite surprised that the NHS were happy to go through with it with us being so young, but I also think it's fantastic as the doctor's attitude was that my partner is an adult, he can make his own choices regardless of age, and if he regrets it in the end then that's his problem.

11

Hi Skitty,

I had a vasectomy when I was 32 and my then partner was 27. She had a medical condition which she was determined she didn't want to pass on to any children, so it was a choice between getting her tubes tied (quite a big operation, and no way the NHS would have done it for her at her age) or me getting the vasectomy. Being the perfect gent I am (hem hem) I offered to get the snip.

The procedure was perfectly straightforward, over in about ten minutes. I had it done at a private clinic, and although there was a very limited pre-op chat with an administrator who mentioned how young I was to be having the vasectomy, no one talked through other options.

After-effects were minimal: I was a bit bruised and sore for a few days, but we were having sex again within a week, and there have been absolutely no long-term side effects.

Psychologically: for several years afterwards I had a nagging uneasy feeling that I'd taken an irrevocable step, and that there really was no going back. But over time that faded.

As things worked out I split from my partner a decade or so later, so I used to have to explain to subsequent girlfriends that whatever else I might be for them I wouldn't be the father of their children - this is an awkward thing to have to bring up at an early stage in a new relationship, believe me. I never regretted having had the vasectomy, however; I'd got completely used to being sterile.

My two cents: I think it would be a good idea, at this stage, for you and your partner to explore alternative contraceptive methods. Both hormonal and other methods have come on a long way since I opted for the vasectomy twenty-five years ago, and it would be wise to keep all your options open, even if only for a few more years. All the best anyway.

12

I was also convinced that I didn't want children at one point but, without any real reason, that suddenly changed and I can honestly say having children is one of the best things I have ever done. When I was young I could never imagine being a mother but I know now that if I hadn't had children I would really feel like there was something missing.

I appreciate that everyone is different and some people will never want children, but a vasectomy is a huge decision. Are you sure that when you are surrounded by friends' babies you won't start to change your mind?

Saying that, I know someone who had a vasectomy in his mid twenties (he had 2 children) and has never regretted it, and someone else who met a new partner and had a reversal and a baby in his mid 40's.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

13

Im suprised that the nhs were willing to do it. In my previous job there were women who were in their 20s and already had three kids but still couldnt get offered sterlisisation. The majority of cases were that they felt the women were too young to make a permanent decision and that the men might want children in the future with other women so were often not even considered for a vasectomy.

Im the same as the op in that we dont ever want children. I would be more than willing to have anything done to prevent it, as would my husband. I think if we ever changed our minds in the future then surely there would be adoption or fostering, although i think its unlikely we would change our opinion but im sure everyone says that!

i have a medical condition that means that if i wanted kids, i would need to plan it with a doctor first to be closely monitored and make sure my body is as prepared as it can be beforehand. Theres a higher than normal risk of complications and its just something i wouldnt want to put myself or an unborn baby through. Even so i have been told that private may be the only option but even then they still have the right to refuse a permanent operation.

14

Thanks to the people who have added more ideas - it's all very thought-provoking, and I've read out everyone's replies to my partner to give him an idea of peoples' perspectives and experiences.

Slinkykinky's thing about being surrounded by friends' babies particularly made me think... Part of why my partner and I feel how we do is because we only have each other, and we're so happy about that. We don't have any friends, family or even acquaintances within about 100 miles. The only people we're really close to from back home are my partner's family, and our best friend who is also very against having children. I think if she changed her mind I'd have some real world-view assessing to do ;) We also have a couple that we know whose wedding we went to a few years ago who are now expecting a baby any day now. I found the idea of it totally bizarre when I found out, and it's made me think more about the idea of having a baby, and I'm still baffled by it! :) I'm not sure if we'll ever meet their baby because we're not that close to the people anymore, but I can imagine that being surrounded by people with children might make some people feel like they're missing something. I can only really imagine me and my partner seeing people with babies and feeling relief though. Going to the supermarket, doctors, restaurants, zoos, all an experience that reaffirms "gosh, I'm glad that we've decided we don't want one of those misbehaving terrors!" ;)

I suppose that it's not all about having or not having kids now or in the future though, so there's a lot to consider :)

15

I have this awful gut feeling that you'll change your mind a few years down the line, you seem to not want children because they're a hindrance, people with similar mindsets that I know slowly begin to think of all the benefits of aphaving children and come around, whereas, having diseases you don't want to pass on, there's no coming round to the idea of harming your baby.

id definitively look into other forms of contraceptive, you can get little things you put over your cervix to stop sperm getting in, you can't feel it like a condom and it has no hormonal effects, as someone else said a copper coil may be an option

16

why don't you spend time with a baby, that way you will know that your decision is one that is true for you.

I never wanted kids, was never a baby type person and I never planned on having kids, i really was against it. But when I was 25, i fell pregnant and I instantly knew this is what i wanted. I now have 2 children and i am 200% sure that i never want kids again, my 2 are enough lol

17

Being the sort of person who has never felt maternal, I do find it difficult to imagine children as anything positive, or having any way of fitting into my or my partner's lives. Not wanting to pass on a disease is obviously a much nobler reason to not have children, but part of that is because it's based on the idea that otherwise the person might want children so they're sacrificing something that they want. I think it's a very different issue as for me and my partner there is no desire there.

Perhaps it would be useful to ask for peoples' perspectives on children, since it's something that I've never understood but have also never candidly asked parents about. I don't mean these questions to sound at all cynical because I do understand that people have vastly different feelings about children than I do, and I would like to try to understand it in order to fully look at whether we feel it likely we'll ever change our minds. Because if we feel like we ever might change our minds, obviously a vasectomy wouldn't be the right solution, but if we really feel like it's never going to be something we want to do with our lives then there wouldn't be reason to delay having a vasectomy for years and years, particularly as even waiting that long couldn't ever 100% guarantee never changing our minds because it's impossible to completely know the future.

So, a couple of questions if people don't mind :) What is it that you enjoy about having your children around? Why do you think having children was better for your life than not having children?

Those are the ones I've considered so far, but it's quite possible that I'm asking the wrong questions, but we'll see! :)

18

Sorry blueeyes, didn't see your post before posting my last reply! Just wanted you to know I hadn't seen your reply and ignored it, we were probably typing away at the same time :)

I've been thinking of the idea of spending time with a baby to see how I feel about it, but the closest I get to children ever is just seeing people with their kids in public since I really don't know anyone. I've decided to try to be more empathetic when seeing parents with their kids, really try to imagine what it would be like.

I did think I was pregnant a few months ago. I got a false positive and knew that I would definitely get an abortion and that there wasn't any part of me that wanted to go through with it. Luckily it was a testing error, but I do feel like it gave me an idea of how I felt as at the time I assumed it was correct.

19

You could volunteer at a children's centre, I did at a nursery and before that I always thought I was so awkward with kids and would be a crap parent, but when you're around the same kids all the time and you get to know them they're awesome, they're so funny and intelligent. Most of the time when we notice kids out and about it's the screaming kid being dragged along the shop floor by their screaming mum, so try noticing the good kids, the ones sat quietly in the trolly or talking about dinosaurs. Yeah babies are cute but they don't do much, it's toddlers that are the best, they're just awesome lol I can't wait until my niece is older and I can actually have conversations with her!

20

Skitty wrote:

Perhaps it would be useful to ask for peoples' perspectives on children, since it's something that I've never understood but have also never candidly asked parents about.

So, a couple of questions if people don't mind :) What is it that you enjoy about having your children around? Why do you think having children was better for your life than not having children?

Before I answer, the comments posted about never wanting kids describe me very well in my 20's. I disliked other people's children. I thought them a hinderance and a drain on time and money. I had no experience of youngsters, being the youngest in the family by 10 years and not having friends with younger siblings.

For me, the best thing about being a parent is being reminded of what joy looks like. Nobody can experience joy like a child doing something they love. The rest of the world falls away for them and they are completely absorbed in what they are doing.

I'm not sure my life is better for having a child. The comments about draining time and money are true, and they are hard work. The thing is — I find I don't care. I'm better for having a child, I'm a better person. I've learned so much from him. I wouldn't want to go back to a world where he didn't exist for anything.

The bottom line is that something deep in my brain decided that I was going to be a parent, regardless of my thoughts and personality at the time, and set about changing me to be a good one.

So whatever you decide, bear in mind that you might not be who you think you'll be in five or ten years time, and be wary of limiting your future choices.