I wondered if there is anyone on here who is in an open relationship who could give me some advice, tips etc.
About me: I'm living with my boyfriend of 13 years and we have a child together. Last year the conversation of opening up our relationship came up and we discussed a lot. After a few months we decided to give it a go. Rules have been agreed.
We are both happy in our relationship and have amazing sex, but we both feel we need more. I've had a brief encounter with a guy where we fooled around but didn't actually have sex and my boyfriend has been chatting to a girl on a dating site for about a month and are planning on meeting up for a 'date'.
I've done some research and it appears that open relationships fail more than they work which I don't want to happen so am looking for tips, advice and people to talk to about this. I don't feel comfortable discussing this with any of friends as I think they will be too judgemental.
My daughter is 6 and it something she needs never know about. Part of the rules are that we never meet each other's partners, including our daughter, and that no-one is never brought back to our home.
You're right - I think a lots of rules will be changed and added as we go along inc set amount of times we meet up with other people. We have agreed that our family will always come first and that when one of us decides enough is enough that we will stop no with no exceptions. It's very much trial and error!
I wish you all the best of luck with this. I don't have very much advice. My situation is similar in that I have two partners, but different in that I live with neither of them. But I went to my current set-up after a 10 year monogamour relationship, so it has taken some adjusting to.
I am sure there are better sources for information, but I spend a lot fo time on Fetlife, and a lot of people on there have poly relationships and some of the thoughts shared in those groups or just writings by people who have experience of non-monogamous relationships has been really helpful to me. Even when it isn't specific to my situation.
I wish I could offer you some practical advice on managing this successfully, I really hope someone will be along who has a positive experience of a situation more similar to your own x
LadyS - what did you find the hardest in making the adjustment? How long have you been with each partner if you don't mind me asking and do they know about one another?
This is something I cant even begin to understand if I'm being totally honest. I love my husband deeply and couldn't not even consider being intimate with anyone else. Having said that I'm not judging at all and if you both agree on conditions and it's something you would both like to do then I really hope it works for you and you both get what you want from it :)
LadyS - what did you find the hardest in making the adjustment? How long have you been with each partner if you don't mind me asking and do they know about one another?
What made you try a non-monogamous relationship?
Thanks -x-
Yes they each know about each other and each have other partners that I am not involved with. My reasons come down to sexuality really, I like both men and women, and I find having both in my life very satisfying. I have been involved with each of them for less than a year, the female partner only for a few months.
My issue is that I'm naturally very jealous, which makes my choice seem ridiculous, but I am working on that part of myself and I have noticed some big changes with regards to my jealousy. This has been my hardest adjustment though.
Also when I met my female partner it was meant to be fun and purely physical, but out connection has gone much deeper than that and I have reached a point whereby I love both of them. I always assumed loving another partner would mean I feel out of love with the other. But it just isn't the case.
There may come a time when this isn't suitable for me, but right now it seems to be working. It is early days though, so I'm no pro that's for sure
My biggest thing is time with me, is just that, time with me. I don't expect to share during those times and I expect to have their full attention, like they have mine. I also don't like the gory details of what they might do elsewhere. So long as I know they are playing safe etc. I don't need to know other things x
For me even the thought of myself or my partner being with someone else is hurtful. I love my OH deeply and I see our intimate time very precious and could not find that satisfaction from anybody else.. I do however have a friend who has an open relationship and I often have her coming to me upset as she finds he has started to pay more time with other women. The novelty soon wore off and she cant seem to find a way back. If it's something you both really want to do though, just do as others have stated on here and make sure any rules you make arent broken and if either one of you want to call it off then that happens. Hope all goes well :) x
Thank you LadyS for being open with me, I appreciate your response. I hope everything works out well for you.
Thanks everyone for not judging, I know this isn't for everyone and I appreciate all comments. This gives me and the BF more things to consider.
You're most welcome.
While it's not the same, but is in the same vein kind of, would swinging be something you would consider? I personally couldn't swing as watching my partner with someone else would likely drive me insane, but a lot more people seem to navigate this sucessfully than they do open relationships. Perhaps because it is something you can enjoy together I guess and no one is left out.
I think the most important thing for you guys is to not get emotional with anyone else you date and cut them out if you feel you are getting attached. Did you ever try or consider swinging together?
Myself and my other half have had a successful open relationship for the last 7 years and thats how we started out though rules and such have evolved and changed over time for various reasons.
Initially I slept with other women and so did she as she wasnt interested in other guys. We moved on to swinging together and eventually she wanted solo encounters with guys etc.
The key to it is all out honesty and trust, make sure to review what it is you want and need reguarly and make sure you are both on the same page. Thats my personal opinion anyway, im sure others will have more advice to add.
We will sleep with other men and women together but not solo. :) that's what works for us. It is very easy to start liking someone else even if that wasn't ever the intention. So for us it is more comfortable to do these things as a team lol. So thst it is something we can enjoy together and there is no closeness with the third party, just filth ;) lol x
We will sleep with other men and women together but not solo. :) that's what works for us. It is very easy to start liking someone else even if that wasn't ever the intention. So for us it is more comfortable to do these things as a team lol. So thst it is something we can enjoy together and there is no closeness with the third party, just filth ;) lol x
this is exactly my take on it. I dont think an 'open' relationship would work for me at all
It's a difficult thing to make work, no matter how many rules you set out. I'm not in an open relationship, but i saw a friends marriage break down after several years of sucessfully being "open" in status. They had full on relationships with others though, not just sex. Saying that though, sex is the most intimate you can be with someone, some feelings are probably inevitably going to develop. You have to be prepared to face the possibilities that they may enjoy the physical side of sex with the other person/s more, or that they start falling for them emotionally. Presumably you're going to tell any extra partners what the set up is first, which they may not be ok with just being a bit on the side. One of you might find it much easier to find willing casual partners than the other, what are you going to do if one of you doesn't manage to find a willing partner and the other gets lots of offers? Jealousy can cause a lot of issues, and if one of you decides you want to stop and the other doesn't, then what?
It has a very big potential to go wrong, and wit ha child involved if it does go wrong it will go really wrong, and get messy.
I echo what a lot of others have said, though i have no experience whatsoever!
i would say though that its good youre setting up rules, but remember at the minute they are hypothetical rules so dont really mean a lot. Its ok to say rule one is that its just physical and no emotional attachments are to be made, but in reality its almost impossible to stop yourself forming attachments if you are being intimate with someone.
Saying that if one partner says no then both immediately stop sounds reasonable, but again would it work in reality?
I thinkthe major thing though is the people you sleep with for sex will be exciting. If you and your partner have an argument over something trivial, these extra people might seem more appealing because they dont have any baggage. I imagine it would be quite easy to break a relationship if the grass seems greener on the other side!