New to this forum, so Hi, but figured I'd jump right in with a request for some advice / experience from you all.
My OH is soo not confident in the bedroom which results in me always taking the initiative. When I make new suggestions they are usually received with a response of 'ok, if you want to' (which can be pretty underwhelming) yet if I ask what she wants me to do the response is always 'i don't mind' followed by 'I like what you do'.
Of course this is great to hear and 95% of the time I don't mind. I have pretty good imagination and regularly come up with different ideas etc that my OH never (well rarely) objects to. That said, I would like her to be more expressive which, by her own admission, she isn't and finds it hard to be.
So, have any of you converted yourself from a shy wallflower into a vixen-ish, and if so how did you do it? Is there anything I can do to coax the more adventurous side from my OH.
What has helped lots of people solve relationship problems is their OH getting on the forums too! We have a few members who have joined and found confidence from other members.
I have to say that naturally I am quite sub, I hate telling my oh what to do, taking the lead etc etc, I find one or two drinks (not enough to be drunk) can help get me in the mood to take the lead when he wants me to, but I still find it difficult.
I have found alot of posts on this forum very helpful in been able to open up to him and find out things that we both like, maybe get her to read a few of the threads and talk about her feelings, it might help. So maybe as Wanda suggested getting her to join the forum to might help her open up.
Or just do what Hella suggested and tie her up and spank her, works for me, lols
we have toys etc, quite a few in fact and we use them (if I suggest we do ).
I like the idea of getting her on here but getting her to read emails is hard enough, not sure I'd get any joy with a forum. alcohol is always option I guess but maybe some light spanking is the way to go (not tried that).
You could try playing Monogamy... http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=662 It'll be the cards suggesting things to try, not you, and while it might not get you all the way from wallflower to vixen it should at least be fun.
You could try playing Monogamy... http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=662 It'll be the cards suggesting things to try, not you, and while it might not get you all the way from wallflower to vixen it should at least be fun. External Media
What has helped lots of people solve relationship problems is their OH getting on the forums too! We have a few members who have joined and found confidence from other members.
See you around.
This I couldn't agree with more! I am part of a couple on here who are one of the couples WandA is on a bout.
My oh was as vanilla as they come, Straight out of the pod!
Now shes an active member on here and I see her changing a bit more every day!
And if my OH can change... Believe me, Anyone can ;)
I can understand how hard it is if your partner doesnt initiate very often, and it can be quite disheartening. But I have to admit, I am (at the moment) usually the person who sits back and it is usually my OH that initiates. I know I find it hard to take the initiative/tell my OH what I want because I am not naturally very confident. I try my hardest, but at times I just need subtle nudging in the right direction.
For me, subtle encouragement (in any form) really helps. And also the guarantee that I wont be laughed at if I suggest something that I like as the thought that there even the slightest possibility that someone might find what you like disgusting or ridiculous can be unnerving.
Time also really helps, it usually takes me a little longer than most to start anything sexual, as it usually involves me being incredibly indecisive and takes me to tell the side of me with little confidence to shut up! I cant express enough how for me, just a simple reassurance or understanding can help.
For me, I have a lot more confidence when I am in a submissive role and it sounds like she may be the same, you could try some light bondage as a lot of other people on here have suggested.
So yes, after that waffling (Im sorry about that, my head is muddled as im writing essays!) maybe just some reassurance would help, and for me whenever my OH is being open about what he likes, I find it easier to do the same and it helps build my confidence over time.
Being with my OH at the moment, my confidence is getting a lot better as he is being very patient with me. Good luck - and Im hope that if youre patient and understanding, then she will come out with a lot more confidence!
seduced, I am going to try the forum route. too many have suggested it as a good idea for it not to be worth a go. however after lol at toycar 69 I have made a few mental notes as well!!!
Inara, the way you write you could be her <typed whilst checking your profile >. The concept of being more confident whilst in a submissive role seems odd but I guess makes sense. The fact you're becoming more confident is the glimmer of light I am looking for, this doesn't have to happen tomorrow after all.
I too am new to the forum, but here's my two pennies worth,
I have to say that naturally I am quite submissive, I struggle telling my oh what to do, taking the lead etc etc, I find one or two drinks (not so much as i'm drunk tho) can help get me in the mood to take the lead when he wants me to, but I still find it difficult. Its all in my head what i want to say or do but the telling him i get all shy.
Luckily he's fantastic at being patient and slowly i've gained confidence in expressing myself and my wants. So i guess my advice would be keep talking and asking her what she likes, wants, etc during and before sex and i'm sure in time she'll start to open up. For me i have to say its fear of being looked at like i've got 3eyes or something, which i know he'd never do, but its all about confidence and building it up.
Good luck i'm sure you'll get there and have lots of fun trying on the way too!!!
Inara, the way you write you could be her <typed whilst checking your profile External Media>. The concept of being more confident whilst in a submissive role seems odd but I guess makes sense. The fact you're becoming more confident is the glimmer of light I am looking for, this doesn't have to happen tomorrow after all.
I assure you, I'm not her! I think Phantasma can vouch for the fact that I have got more confident since I first started doing anything sexual with him? A lot of it is down to him and I am so grateful for it. Hopefully Il keep getting better at it!
The part about being confident in a more submissive role is probably because I am naturally fairly submissive and therefore know what I am doing a lot more and I know how to react to certain situations. I also dont have to worry too much about sounding stupid or ridiculous when I say something as i feel safe in situations like that.
So yes, after that waffling (Im sorry about that, my head is muddled as im writing essays!) maybe just some reassurance would help, and for me whenever my OH is being open about what he likes, I find it easier to do the same and it helps build my confidence over time.
Being with my OH at the moment, my confidence is getting a lot better as he is being very patient with me. Good luck - and Im hope that if youre patient and understanding, then she will come out with a lot more confidence!
Inara 14 wrote:
I assure you, I'm not her! I think Phantasma can vouch for the fact that I have got more confident since I first started doing anything sexual with him? A lot of it is down to him and I am so grateful for it. Hopefully Il keep getting better at it!
The part about being confident in a more submissive role is probably because I am naturally fairly submissive and therefore know what I am doing a lot more and I know how to react to certain situations. I also dont have to worry too much about sounding stupid or ridiculous when I say something as i feel safe in situations like that.
I can and will vouch for this!
Thanks for this thread gemheart - as i guess youve gathered this is an issue with me and Inara at the moment. I think almost all our encounters have been me taking the lead - which although great fun in its own way has occasionally led me to think 'well its a bit unbalanced - would be nice if i wasnt always setting par for the course', which seems to be your position.
Inara likes it when I'm the dom because, as she says, decision making is quite a process for her. As she, presumably, trusts me becoming the submissive means that she doesnt have to make any decisions - simply follow the instructions given. If you want a bit more info on this it might be worth looking here: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/219718-things-that-confuse-me/page-63/. I posed a question along those lines which lead to some interesting discussion - hope it helps.
In terms of helping her... prehaps a swap of fantasies or some such would be a good idea. Inara and I swapped stories as an Xmas present since we couldnt actually see each other - which was very informative on my part as she doesnt tend to be very explicit about her fantasies. So something like that might work - each write a short summary of what you like. Or make your own game - write say 3 fantasies each onto individual cards and draw one at random. (Prehaps cheat and make sure you get one of hers?)
Best thing you can do is to draw it out slowly. Ive sweet talked Inara into doing some stuff she might not normally do - its stuff shes mentioned with interest in the past but hasnt really done. So occasionally when I take control I get her to do stuff that isnt directly to my benefit - but that I know she wants to do. Once shes tried it that first time hopefully it becomes easier to do afterwards. But this kind of thing has to be slow - even a frank discussion about preferences would be worthwhile, if it ever comes up maybe ask her to make suggestions about your ideas?
Just get the information a little bit at a time and once you have something either use it or as I did command her to do it herself. As long as you take everything slowly it wont be a problem (probably!). You seem willing to be patient sogo with that. Also - make sure she knows - dont want to pressure her of course but she cant do something she doesnt know about!
Best of luck - I hope this ramble proves at least a little bit useful.
Mrs M and myself often have trouble getting going, as we both tend to like the other one to take the lead. For very different reasons, but still it's like the little "politeness loop" you can get stuck in with strangers at doorways. "After you." "No, after you, I insist!" "No, please, I couldn't possibly..."
Well, you get the idea. I'm watching with inteest for ideas that could help us.
it could be something that she could look through and then give you the cheque when she feels like it. no pressure, and a more subtle way of displaying what she likes without having to vocalise it. If you have some time you could make up a set of your own more tailored to what she may like, and include blank ones for her to write on
above all being supportive and offering gentle encouragement is the way to go with this.
Wow lots of great advice in here already. I agree with Hella, she sounds naturally submissive. But a bit more confidence would never go with out it's value!
It's extremely difficult to get somebody to come out of their shell. I used to feel quite embarrassed and nervous around sex though I enjoyed it loads. Talking about sex with a friend on a regular basis and talking in depth about our sexual experiences in the past few days if we had any was a great way for me to open up and be a lot more confident about initiating and talking about sex.
My man struggled to get my confidence in the bedroom before that, but he was always really nice. Watching porn together and just watching it like watching a comedy together was great fun. "Ugh How much spray on tan has she got?" "Those boobs are soooo fake.. Bet it's like touching a pair of sandbags!" etc. Then occassionaly one will pop up where we can agree "Hmm. she's quite nice!" or "Oooh, I like the thought of that!" I actually said those things without even really realising and gave the OH a lot to work from!
Porn was actually a very useful tool in our relationship, until one day I found some rather dodgy porn on his old computer and I ended up leaving him for a few days because of it. Not going in to detail, but he is now banned from watching and dowloading porn on his own.
Another thing that was useful for me is he would kiss me and we would am=lost be having sex and he would ask if I would masturbate for him. I felt very uncomfortable to start with and took me quite a while to come around to the idea, but he helped by using his fingers on me and telling me he would not let me touch his penis if I wouldn't take over. Empty threats, but the thrill eventually took over and I managed to do it for him. But only under the covers. And still only under the covers, as I'm still self concious but it's better than nothing!
I think being as positive about it as you are helps too. I know its helping me - thinking about it positively.
Making it clear that you arent going to go anywhere/freak out etc would be helpful too. If she believes that you wont do anything to knock her confidence shes more likely to take that first step.
I'm not suggestign that you would - but she might think/worry that you will, even if she knows better conciously. Those little voices at the back of the mind can be difficult sometimes.
I was much the same as your OH when I started my current relationship 8 years ago. I'd never been with a guy before, never seen any porn or read anything much about sex so I didn't really know what I liked nevermind how to ask for it. Time, experience and lots of love, attention and patience from my OH and I turned into the nymphomaniac sex pest that I am today. I am still a sub for the most part but I often (probably too often) ask if I can hop on!
I think one of the best things for us was actually when we spent time apart. DD went on holiday for 2 weeks and ended spending a lot of that time in an internet cafe talking to me. I think because I had time to think about what I wanted to say and because we weren't face to face it was easier for me to articulate what I wanted. After that it was much easier to do in person
