What to do...

Off-Topic Chat
1

So, I know I probably shouldn't have done but recently, I interfered in a... well I got involved in stopping one friend shagging another.

I know it's none of my business. I know they're adults and can do what they like. But she is just something else.

I've already seen her pursue one friend, and he has completely changed. He's gone from being this really sweet guy to bitter and frustrated and down. I did not want that for another friend. So I interfered.

I told her how I would feel if she did pursue him. And she ignored me, carried on but kept it secret instead, and he went along with it to stop me from being upset. Mistake. Because I found out (she's about as subtle as a brick to the face), and again I interfered, I called on him to end it, especially as he's in a relationship.

In the space of 3 months (since splitting with her husband) she has gone through 3 men (that I know of), and her ex found out about the second and threatened to break his legs. She did nothing to protect that man, and while her ex didn't act on his words, he is definitely the type that would. So yes, I intervened.

I laid it bare to my male friend, told him how I felt, explained why I was worried, told him it was ultimately his decision and not mine, of course it's not mine, I had no right to involve myself beyond the fact that I was worried. And he told me it was dealt with. Ended. No more.

And yet, I keep hearing things. They've been seen flirting. They've come out of the staffroom (we all work together) late off their breaks looking sheepish, or I'm looking for them and neither are where they should be. I've seen the looks she's given him. And despite his denial, I wonder if it's still going on.


Sometimes I wonder what is the point in me being the friend that I am - I listen to them both, I give them advice, I'm there when nobody else is, I keep their secrets - what is the point in any of that if I am repaid with lies and deviousness (is that a word?)?

I don't know, maybe I'm looking too much into this. Maybe I need to just take a step back and let them carry on and deal with the consequences themselves.

As I said, it's none of my business. Doesn't stop me caring though.

2

"I don't know, maybe I'm looking too much into this. Maybe I need to just take a step back and let them carry on and deal with the consequences themselves."

No, it certainly does not stop you from caring, but I do think you should take heed of your own advice as quoted above.

You have tried to help them, but they are obviously too engrossed in their own feelings to take any notice, although by virtue of the fact they have kept things 'secret' tells me they actually know you are right.

It also sounds a bit to me like this lady is either in self descruct mode and she doesn't care who she hurts in the process, or she is trying to get a reaction from the ex, and again doesn't care who she hurts in the process. It is early days since the split.

The only thing I would suggest for you is that you take that step back, but be open to 'being there' should the needs arise. Like you say, they are all adults, however behaving a little like teenagers - the more you tell them no, the more likely they are going to go do it anyway!!

Good luck xxx

3

It's always a difficult decision to make if you should or shouldn't say anything and usually it's dammed if you do,dammed if you don't.
But it's always difficult seeing a friend / friends getting involved in something that possibly could have implications.
Personally, I think you did the right thing telling him what she was like.Ultimately, you really cannot do much more than that.As you said, it's their decision.
You warned him, so he may find out the hard way.
I can understand it's frustrating and don't like being lied to if they are seeing each other.
You could, I suppose, just ask them to be honest with you and then just leave them to it.

4

To be honest, I'd be pretty pissed off if one of my friends was interfering in my relationships. Express an opinion, fine, but say it once and then leave it.

You seem to be pretty down on the woman. Three men in three months isn't excessive in my mind, especially after a break up. You also don't seem to be giving the men much credit for being able to take care of their own needs and be their own person. They can decide to get involved with whoever they want and they can fight their own battles if things get messy with the ex. If one of the guys has become frustrated and down for an extended period after a very brief relationship then he can't have been particularly secure in the first place. That's not a judgment at all, it's just an observation I have made from friends.

If my friend was seeing someone while in a relationship, I'd most definitely tell them I thought it was out of order and I'd make it clear that at no point will I cover for them. Beyond that, it's their life to screw up.

If you were my friend I would hope you'd come to me to tell me your worries but I'd also expect you to accept my decision, even if you think it is the wrong one. They are both lucky to have someone who cares looking out for them but, in my eyes at least, you've overstepped the mark.

There is also a chance that you are wrong and the relationship will be good for them, whether that's because they have some good sex or they fall in love and have a successful relationship. I've certainly got it wrong before!

5

I'm with Friday13 on this. You're just going to have to let the relationship "run it's course" and be there when/if it goes down the pan. I've had friends interfere in my relationship before, I have been with my husband over a decade now but those friends are long gone. Why would I want to be friends with people who wanted to tell me how I should go about my life?

Again like Friday13 said, 3 isn't a lot after a break up. When I split with my first long-term boyfriend I think I got through 3 different men in a weekend. It helped the healing process for me, not that it was right of course but it happens. X

6

I'm not judging her for the number of men she's had, I'm bothered by the who. The first was this sweet guy, who is 30yrs her senior so was very flattered by her advances. But once she realised she wasn't getting what she wanted from him, she started looking elsewhere (and found it with a man who was in a relationship) and kept that secret from the first guy until she was caught out by her ex. So then she went running back to the first guy, led him on then dropped him again when she got in with the third. I feel like I need a diagram for this.
If they were all single, and my interfering was going to stop them pursuing a relationship then I would agree I'd overstepped the mark. But they're not. They're not single and only looking for fun. She has chosen two men that are in relationships, knowing that they were taken. Yes, it was their choice to go ahead with it, and their own relationships to ruin, but if that's how it ends, she's the one that gets to walk away unscathed. Because she will walk away, she won't look back. You're right, she is on self destruct and doesn't care who goes down with her.
I agree, they're adults and they should make their own choices and do what they want. But if it was the other way around and a friend asked me not to chase after her friend because x, y and z, I would listen. It's the lack of respect for the friendship and the lies that gets to me, because it hurts.
Sigh. They don't give a sh!t, why am I bothering to.

7

I think your last sentence is right.

I just think your getting involved with something , perhaps you just should leave well alone.

Let them make their own mistakes and perhaps they will learn .I don't think you will get any thanks for any intervention.

8

No, you're right. It's just hard because I don't want to see the guy get hurt, even though it's his own fault for not saying no.

9

I'd pressume that the break-up has messed the lasses head up and she's now on self destruct mode. I wouldnt be happy either but with situations like that getting involved always makes you the bad one and now your friend has stopped confiding in you all because the truth hurt.
It's his fault if he ruins his relationship, i don't understand why he's looking elsewhere. If he really likes this lass he should end the relationship with his oh and learn the hard way when she gets bored. Or this could be genuine they may really connect, I don't know just a thought. I'm in no way encouraging what either of them are doing is right, it's very wrong and will most certainly end in tears.
I wonder why the lass keeps going for lads with ohs? Did she get hurt by her ex and is happy to screw everyone else's relationships up? Or is she just not thinking straight. Either way, going for someone who's taken is bang out of order.
I do think that all you can do now is tell your friend you'll support him no matter what and hope he starts to confide in you. And also be there when it goes t#ts up!
But take a step back, you're obviously wasting your time. You've warned him and that's all you can do.
Try not to stress too much. I know you care for your pal but there really is nought you can do regarding this 😣 chin up hunni 💟xx

10

This is why I don't have friends, people drive me crazy. Honestly just leave them to it, it's not your problem, but I also wouldn't be friends with a woman that actively pursues a man who is in a relationship or a man that doesn't respect his woman enough to squash any advances by other women (or vice versa) I don't think your were wrong to say anything at first but you can't keep pestering them it is their life after all

11

I've spoken to him tonight and apologised for getting involved, and told her I'm done with her (this whole situation is just the latest in a very long line of incidents/attitudes spanning years). Leaving it at that. Can't be chewed with any more hassle!

12

I think you've done the right thing. It was clear their was major issues with how against the lass you were, so it's obviously built up over a period of time and this was the last straw for you. I'm glad you chatted with the lad pal and cleared the air. Hopefully he realises he's making a mistake before it's too late. 💟xx

Y&F I'm the same folk drive me crazy, friends always seems to cause drama after drama. Also I've had to many one way friendships for my liking. Cant be dealing with getting hurt nomore.Then you've got the ones in relationships behaving like teenagers leaving their kids and missus at home and rolling in at all hours. Some folk don't realise and appreciate that having kids is life-changing and they need to step upto the plate. We blank the door and make excuses as our friends are still acting like kids, I guess we've outgrown them. I mean it's not like we are sat in our dressing gowns, slippers and pope in the mouth, we still have loads of fun just not eyeing up everything that moves and talking b.s. 💟xx

13

It's hard when you can see your friends seemingly going down the path to destruction, I'd say you've tried, and should leave them to it now. You don't want to get yourself too involved incase you get hurt too.