I am not married, but I am a woman who has worked with women for a while. Are you certain there are no other marital issues that may be causing her to subconsciously ‘shut down’ the part of her that would be interested in sex with you? Have you had a frank conversation about the state of your marriage aside from the sexual element, and asked her if there’s anything that she feels needs to change? If she’s happy? That would be my only real advice. It could be something that you’re totally missing or unaware of, or that she’s tactfully been avoiding talking about. If you make yourself emotionally available and willing to work on any (non-sexual) problems she may be feeling, the dynamic between you may change and she may feel better about sex. Of course, it sounds like this problem has been building for a long time and it will naturally take time to work through this, if she can do it, and wants to. Also, honestly, ask her how she feels about you watching porn. This could be contributing to the distance for her too, but she probably does not want to deprive you of that. If you offer it up as a variable, she might see that as quite an important gesture. Of course, if she has a genuine physical health issue, this advice is not applicable. But if it’s mental health related/psychological, it’s worth a shot.
I really hope this helps in some way! Good luck. 
So she has tried but not enough according to you?
She is in a program to try and improve things but things are not progressing fast enough for you?
You (internally) interpret that she does not trusting you - big red flag - something damaged the trust.
Sorry but I really think there is more going on. As a female who went through a stage of really low (to almost non existing) sex drive, from experience the more he pushed the subject the worst it became.
I don’t know either of you or your relationship but from your post it sounds like all you are focusing on is sex and the moment she gives an inch you start pushing for more (the hand job and allowing you t touch her breast) - I maybe wrong.
Stop focusing on sex and actually dig a little deeper.
Hi. Sorry that you and your wife are going trough this tough time. Your situation is a fairly common occurance and several of us LH members have been in, or are going through similar issues, so take some comfort in knowing its not just you feeling this way.
I was very much in the same boat as you and similarly, Relate didnt help one little bit but instead felt like it gave my wife approval to live a non sexual marriage ( since that was how she felt she wanted to live) and made me the pervert of expecting to have an intimate relationship with my wife. What I would liketo say is that eventually I came to realise that I was putting in way to much energy focusing on what I found sexy about my wife and wanting to be intimate with her when I knew I’d always be shut down if I tried to act on my urges.
It took some time but eventually I stopped finding her attractive at all and equally stoped hating her for what she wouldn’t do. In my mind , she has now become more similar to a female work friend ( although we are married and do sleep in the same bed) but importantly for me, Im in a much better head space now .
In short what I’m trying to say is ; try to shift your focus off your wife for now and focus on other aspects of your broader life that gives you pleasure - it wont fix your sexless marriage but it will help your own mental wellbeing. Good luck and hang in there.
Personally agree entirely with what @Anony has said, many wise words in there.
I also wanted to ask, do you have children together? That can be a big factor, and I think a lot of ladies find it very difficult to step out of ‘mum mode’, and of course, being mum mode is not going to help at all in terms of feeling sexy or a libido of any kind.
I can relate to how you must be feeling, in a very similar situation, but a different back story and reason behind it. One thing I can very much agree with on @Anony words is that talking about it has made it more of a ‘thing’. It is difficult though, as we live apart, and my GF has children, so she does find it difficult to step out of Mum mode, and also rarely gets time to herself (kids father is a waste of good air). There are also past trauma’s on her part too, which means we both see sex and intimacy differently. For me sex, intimacy and love are all bundled in together. For my GF, her intimacy needs are met by cuddling and holding hands. That doesn’t meet my needs.
Sorry for the ramblings, as mentioned, focus on the romantic and emotional side, and see where that takes you.
Sounds like Relate was a bad experience. Counselling can be difficult, until you find the right counsellor that fits you both. Would your wife consider seeing a counsellor by herself to explore what is going on for her? Of course, private isn’t always cheap, but I think you would both get benefits either as a couple or individuals with a counsellor you connect with.
So sorry to hear the predicament you are both in - however she may be a-sexual and while the love and affection is there - the physical action is not wanted
Good luck
Sorry to hear this . Ive been in the same position. I had all the advice , and tried everything. I did most of the housework, and the place was spotless. I got the kids up , off to school , fed them.and got them to bed . She had a job ,and I always supported her in it . I always appreciated that her libido was low after kids ( it was never that high before ), but was patient . After around 6 years of , near sexless marriage ( we did it about 3 or 4 times) I gave up and had a few “flings” ( all with older women , btw ). After a couple more years , the marriage ended .
This may , unfortunately, be your only option . It isn’t easy , it will be the worse time of your life , but , in the long term , it may be for the better .
Im sorry to be blunt, but Im only being honest .
I wish you well
How are things in your marriage otherwise? I see you have kids, do you both play an equal role in childcare? In cleaning the house / life admin etc? I know from being on some women’s forums (not sure on rules of mentioning other sites but a common woman’s / mums forum) that many women who are not having regular sex with husbands / partners blame unequal domestics. They get angry with their partner as they are doing 90% of the child rearing and then get even angrier when the partner is angry that they’d prefer extra sleep rather than sex. I don’t know your set up, but worth considering what the balance is. Sometimes the pressure can push women the other way too, pressure to have sex so shut down completely. It’s not sexy to feel pressured, and it’s definitely not sexy if they feel like their partners are desperate or even begging for sex.
This might be harder to hear but for some of these women (and friends of mine) they just don’t fancy their partner any longer and the thought of having sex with them is something they can’t bear. I personally think if you’ve got to this point then you need to end the relationship, as it’s completely unfair on the partner. These women often get into other relationships and can’t get enough sex. So it’s not always a libido issue, but just not fancying the person that’s wanting the sex. Many women don’t end things as they don’t know how they’d survive financially, or don’t want to upset their children or worse in their mind, share their children. So they stay in unhappy relationships. Sex is clearly very important to you, I’d be 100% Frank with your wife after this programme you’re doing, if she doesn’t fancy you anymore then I’d end things. The fact that she’s been prepared to do the programme is hopefully a good sign though, but she needs to start being honest with you. Good luck
Wow this really feels a lot like me as I wrote/asked a similar question recently (sex after having a baby). We had our first and went through a dry spell after our 2nd, we still haven’t had sex in over 2 years. Couple HJ maybe 2 BJ in all that time. I’ve been patient I’ve tried to help more with kids, which is difficult with the 2 yr old as she’s clingy to mummy and house work sometimes feel the more I’ve done the more I get pointed out this that has t been done or I would have done this differently 
. I’ve been patient I’ve tried no contact hugs kisses to see if she will initiate no, I e tried holding hands hugging kissing sometimes I get a hug but brief or a kiss and usually quickly dismissed it to do something else. I really enjoy giving massages, back shoulder, feet and she’s happy to receive these, I don’t mind but you’d think once in a while she might offer a something in return? I don’t mean to feel like this but after 2+ years of noting your brain does tick over thinking do she love me do I make her happy anymore. So yes I feel what your going through although my kids are very young so situation is a little different. Your not alone but can feel like this is only happening to you. Good luck and hope your program helps you, I have been trying to raise the counselling idea to her but got the stern look that meant do not bring this up again, if I talk about sex she says this subject again and shuts it down if I don’t say anything we will both be 80 and not had sex ever sex again 
My wife doesn’t like 20th Century Avant Garde Classical music either so I just enjoy it by myself. 
I commented somewhere else to you somewhere x
Gosh this is so so difficult, does she want to try ? Does she want to be in the relationship ?
If so , one of my tips (take it or leave it) as a woman who struggled with low libido is to try using jiggle balls during the day just to awaken sensations. I found that by using these daily I was in the mood and our relationship improved massively.
My other questions would be around the pill or hormone based medicines - is she on any ? If so could they be an issue? They certainly were for me.
Sorry this isn’t very good advise but it’s what I found helped us go from maybe once every 2-3 months to 5-7 times per week.
Hope you can sort this as I personally couldn’t live in a sexless marriage, I feel terrible my husband had to put up with it like that for a while.
Hi how are you? Not trying to be nosey but generally interested to see how you’re doing after your long heart felt note you put on here. My situation is not too dissimilar to yours only mine is probably down to having young children I had already commented on this thread if you wish to read it. The hurt rejection which is why it resonates with me so much. I note that you were in a program to help you reconnect but you don’t think this is working for you, that is sad as I’ve tried to speak to my wife about talking to relate as when I try to bring up sex intimacy I get told not this again we always talk about this subject but we never do I bring it up and it gets shut down. I hope things are working out better for you and the next step in your program.
Wishing you well
I do appreciate any advice anyone given me. Positive in my favour or negative towards me thinking I’m a big boy and should me more caring towards my wife as she is the one who’s had the baby and her body has changed.
I love y wife and do try to be patient but feel nearly 3 years is patience enough it’s really not just the sex as much as connecting feeling of love being loved feeling passion. She doesn’t want to talk about the subject wether this is from baby weight, I think she looks great but if she doesn’t that is all she is goi g to hear see etc.
writing a letter is a good idea as she can read when she wants walk away come back up to her and not feel pressured.
I really just want t my wife back
I feel so sad for you, this resonates with me a lot. I was that wife, but we did manage to come out the other side and I hope you do too. xxx
Thank you
I hope so too but understand that this is how she maybe feeling now, love passion gone or doesn’t think the same of me she once did and maybe loves me but not in love anymore.
If this is the case then I really don’t know how to feel or what to do say.
Will have to come up with a plan
Hi, this was such a brave subject to open up about. I’ll post my reply as a female with a low sex drive to give some perspective.
I have two children, the youngest is approaching two years old. I have been with my hubby for 13 years. Before children, my drive was much higher than my husband’s. My drive now, is virtually non existent. Do I fancy my husband? Yes, absolutely.
I am the default parent to our children. I also work 3 days per week, keep the house and carry huge mental loads that really take their toll.
My husband works shifts, often resulting in very different bed times.
I’m absolutely exhausted, I have no time to myself. My children are constantly touching me, I always have a LONG list of things to do.
My husband has a higher drive now then when we got together 13 years ago.
I worry about a kiss, or a cuddle because of the ‘expectation’ of where this may lead. I avoid any form of physical contact because I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying I’m not in the mood, or no. I have many a time had sex, even when I don’t want to and it’s made me feel absolutely awful.
I would like to make it clear, it’s the sexual act I am rejecting. It’s not him.
I would try to act in other areas of intimacy that doesn’t come with sex as an agenda. Reconnect.
For example, a board game, some music and just laughing together. A foot rub, hand hold. Tell her she looks beautiful. Emotional connection is so important. If you have this, the rest will come naturally.
I honestly do not see my drive returning till I can actually discover who I am outside of being mum, house keeper, chef and wife.
It sounds like she is really trying, as are you. If it’s really a deal breaker for you, then walk away. It’s not a switch we have any control over. I would be switching mine if it were the case.
I hope you find a resolution. Take care 
I love you honest opinion.
I love your line ( you’re rejecting the act not him) although I know this true sometimes it can feel like this especially if it has been a long time since this has happened. I don’t want to sound like a child not getting what he wants so throws a tantrum but constantly feeling rejected even a cuddle you start to not thinking well why bother to try then the void gets bigger.
I can only speak for myself in this situation.
I think it is a really important message that you have given there.
Is there anything your husband can do to help take the load off a little? I appreciate, as a dad of two (now adults), that life just becomes incredibly busy with children, more washing, cleaning, routines, and as you have said, you lose yourself to being a doting parent that wants to ensure everything is done for the kids.
It is important to remember though, that we are all still individuals, as such have needs of our own, although as default we put being parents first (for a variety of reasons, of course).
Are you in a position to arrange a night a month for the two of you? or arrange to have some time with friends whilst hubby takes care of kids? It is important for you to recognize you are still you, and it is OK to have time for you to enjoy your own time, be it with friends, following hobbies, date night with hubby, whatever that looks like. We feel guilt about having those moments where we put ourselves ahead of the children, and put a lot of pressure on ourselves to always be there no matter what. Yet, if we lose ourselves as parents, who is it the children see that is bringing them up, if we don’t recognize ourselves?
I think for mums more than dads, it is very difficult to shut off from Mum Mode. Even if out with hubby for a meal, I’m sure the ‘have I got the kids uniforms ready, what do they have on tomorrow, where do I need to be’ planning still goes on. And of course, being in Mum Mode really does put everything sexually intimate on the back burner.
Sorry, just a general bit of rambling I guess based on experience and things I hear. Not sure if helpful for anyone, but feels better for saying something.
Many excellent replies , many from the women’s side that should be helpful . My situation is different in the fact we have been married 35 years and she became disabled about 20 years ago . She gained weight and her pain levels are terrible . I used to be an emergency medical tech. and saved her life multiple times . After around 5 years of zero sex I was very frustrated and thew away all our toys and was in a dark place . I had thought about divorcing her , except I figured she would be dead within months and I could not do that to her . I still love her with all my heart and we have been through many different pain programs . She recently had a one week test and it went well , so if they ever get her in for the next step it could be done in a month or two . About 7 years ago I decided self pleasure was my only option and got busy . I now try and keep a hand in the game . She gave me permission to have a fuck buddy years ago , as long as she did not know . However I could never do that . So I wish you the best in your future , whatever route you go . Every situation is different , so take to heart the women in replies suggestions . I feel for you .
Really sorry to hear that @Oldman. My girlfriend and I have been through hell for over 10 years, I support her and spoil her all the time, we haven’t had a sex life for over 10 years, we never talk about it and I haven’t told her I’m on this forum. My life has been a real mess and I’ve just started counselling.