Would like some impartial opinions

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Okay, this is a bit of a tricky subject for me to discuss, and I don't generally air my personal issues on message boards etc, but I would really like to know what other people think about this, so here goes!

My OH and I broke up just over a week ago after being together for over 6 years. There were a number of factors involved and I'm not going to go into most of them, but certainly a big one was our mismatched sex drives. I do not have the most amazing sex drive and my confidence isn't great, I know that and have tried various ways to improve this with very little success. Of course this affected my OH and I totally understand that, however I do feel that there were things he could have done to help the situation that might have helped and he didn't, because he would ask me what he could do to help, I would suggest things that might turn me on more and then he wouldn't do them. I didn't often have the confidence to initiate sex, and am quite submissive by nature, so would always prefer that he initiate, and I told him plainly that if he did I wouldn't turn him down, but that wasn't good enough. I think he very much blames me for the breakdown of our relationsip, but like I said there are many different factors involved and I don't think they are all my fault at all.

Anyway, like I said, it all fell apart about a week ago and he decided he'd had enough, but unfortunately we are still living in the same flat. He has had offers of places to stay with friends, but is pretty much refusing to sleep on someone's sofa, and seems determined he's staying in the spare bedroom until he can move into his new place in about 2 weeks. I'm still really struggling with this because I'm devastated about the whole situation, crying all the time and trying to avoid going home in case he's there. I got myself into a bit of a dark moment yesterday and found myself looking through his files on my laptop, which I know I shouldn't have done and I'm certainly not proud of it, but it's my computer and like I said I'm not really myself at the moment.

Most of what I found wasn't really an issue, there was some porn which I've never really had an issue with, especially since I know I wasn't up for it as often as he would have liked (although I do feel a little upset that he was saving porn onto my laptop when there's so much you can just watch online, not really comfortable with the fact that he was actually storing it on there!). However I did find something which has really upset me, which was videos and screenshots of him chatting with camgirls. I am really not happy about that, to be honest I view it as not quite cheating, but not that far off from it. I have been cheated on in the past and my ex knows this, so he also knows that I am really sensitive about things like that. To be honest I was horrified. I am fairly open minded and don't think I would mind him watching, but it's the interaction part that bothers me. Being able to see the things he was saying to these girls on the screen, and that he was in our bed while he was doing it, makes my skin crawl. I can't help feeling that it's almost like being unfaithful.

What I don't know is whether I should confront him about it. I feel like I've been made out to be the one who's done everything wrong, and yet now I've found out that he was doing something that he knew for sure would hurt me very deeply. I'm so angry about it, but there's a part of me still clinging onto keeping things amicable between us. In honesty, I want to go through and tell him to pack a bag and get out, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to be so upset about this. I still care about him so much, and until I saw those photos and videos I would have said I'd get back together in a heartbeat if he'd chagned his mind, but now I'm seeing him totally differently.

I just don't know what to do. I could just leave it alone, not mention it and wait for him to be gone in a couple of weeks, or I could confront him and make my feelings known. I didn't know who to talk to about it because although I have very close friends who have been massively supportive of me and I will tell them almost anything, my ex and I have always been very private about sexual matters and I don't really feel comfortable discussing this with them.

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay! I intended to try and keep everything I said relevant to what I wanted to ask, but I think I strayed into ranting terrirtory a bit.

2

Aww am sorry to hear all that Imogen, nothing worse than a broken heart. Especially when still living together. I broke up with my ex couple of years ago we were together 18yrs (relationship had broken down long time before but he did also cheat with a girl 20 yrs younger than me so made me feel shit for ages and lost all my cofindence). We had to still live in same house for about another year and it was awful the close friendship we had always had just broke down and we argued about everything. I eventually moved out & back to mums (not ideal but I was desperate). I also found things out after we split he was living a double imaginary life and the lies he has told, also same watch & storing porn on our business laptop & he was also paying for online sex etc. I confronted him but he just denied it and said he didnt really know what he was doing at the time (not experienced on computer - bull shit). I have found that people are so often not what we think and many people have secrets or secret parts the their lives. I can say if you hsould confront him but you will probably go mad if you don't say something but it will probably not solve anything or make you feel any better. If the flat is yours I would ask him to leave immediately, trust me you will never move forward or start to heal until he is gone. Keep smiling hun, things may seem bad now but I promise they will get better. I now have a hot sexy oh who I have so much fun with, have a fab job now my confidence has returned and move into my new flat in a week. He is in a shit place now, living with his mum, not working and very down all the time & constantly asking me to go back to him NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! lol the old saying -"what goes around comes around" is the most true saying I~ have ever heard so hang on in there. Big hugs & keep your chin up xxx

3

His seeking a release or contact with another is a direct result of his needs not being met, long-term. Once something breaks inside, no longer caring about the consequences, including potential reactions, is quite rational. One might argue that once things were over and out of the subconscious, he should have made a clear cut earlier instead of lingering around and doing what is described above. But not all are made of stuff that would let them do it when the need arises. The sooner he moves out the better for both. From personal experience — even a short stay in a cheap hotel is preferred to yet another minute on the battlefield ;)

4

So sorry to hear what you have been going through. What he has done is cheating in my mind and I can't believe that he stored it to your computer! What he has done is very disrespectful to you. If I were you I would ask him to move out - you really don't need the stress of living like that. I don't think he could be upset if you told him what you found - it is your computer after all - you could say that you accidentally found some files that were very upsetting to you. I hope that you stay strong and that everything works out for you - sending lots of hugs Hun xx

5

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this.

I was in a really bad relationship for 9years and it broke down over a year ago but I live in a very small town and my ex was still in my life up untill a few months ago which has made it very difficult for me to get closure and to deal with what I went through in those 9years. Certain circumstances i.e mutal friends having problems wouild see us in the same place. An absolute nightmare.

I had to make the desicion to cut ties with all related to my ex i.e mutual friends etc I know it sounds harsh but I would never be able to move on or heal otherwise. I am still not there now but its a work in progress as it will be for you to.

You are not being unreasonable at all in wanting to ask him to leave sooner this stress of having him still there will not be doing you any good emotionally or physically. If you dont think he will leave then I would wait untill he's out get the locks changed and leave his bags outside the door. At the end of the day he is the one that decided he has had enough so he shouldnt leave you hanging on. He should respect the fact that you are hurting and need to heal. Not have his cake and eat it. Which sounds like what he is doing by ending it and wanting to stay in spare bedroom rather than sleep on a sofa. He must see that your hurting if you are crying all the time it is very unfair and I would be strong and ask him to go as now you have found the stuff on the computer you are only going to drive yourself insane while he is under your roof.

Please do not let him blame you for the breakdown of the relationship and do not beat yourself up for it. Take sometime and work on yourself and healing rather than focusing on the past and what ifs.

6

Hi, and sorry your relationship is in this state.

I have to agree with repliquant in many respects. Is a cam girl sex any better than seeking out a local physical release? I have to say that cyber sex is easy and available without the "seedy" clandestine meets. So your relationship isnt working and you have posted on the forum your feelings. Have you said that to him? Relationships are a 2 way thing, I am not impying he is right, nor am I saying that you are, just that there is obviously a void somewhere. Can/could that be bridged in some way? You comment that you were looking for him to initiate sex as you have a low drive. Is that fair? As a bloke, I could feel that you were a "silent partner" in that and that the physical aspect of the relationship was lacking emotion and feeling. Sex is a mutual activity and it is important to me that my partner is complicit. Always having to initiate it could lead to the feeling that he is not loved.

If there are true feelings between a couple, I do believe that most things can be worked out.

Most blokes ( and females) are IT savvy so why did he leave "footprints to prorn"? Is this a way of him implying his desires or fantasies? Was it a hint to what he likes or would desire from a relationship?

Before you jump out of tjhis relationship, look around you.

I know that some will see this as an inflamatory post supporting the "bad boy" but I simply urge the need for communication between you. If he denies despite the evidence, then there may well be deeper issues in the relati0nship

Whatever happens, I wish you luck. Please dont judge me either, I speak from experience.

7

I'm sorry to hear that anyone is unhappy.

However, if it's over - it's over. What's the point in starting up a whole new row and making it all worse?

I can accept that you might feel cheated on. I'm sure he feels completely differently.

If you want to air your dirty laundry - just stand by to have anything you throw at him come back at you with years of frustration and tension behind it. The only possible result is that you will end up feeling ten times worse, and probably try and blame him for it.

The problem here is very very simple. Essentially, you are at polar opposites with your sex life, and it is too much for you to accede to whatever it is that he wants. On the other hand, compromise (i.e. meeting halfway) is equally unacceptable to both of you. You won't change, and neither will he. Both of you changing a little bit will just make you both unhappy. This is over.

As for whatever it is that you've found on the laptop - forget it. It's nothing more than symptomatic of the failure of your relationship. At this point, what possible difference could it make except to make the situation worse (if you were to carry on worrying about it)?

8

Personally I'd confront him about what you found and tell him that he has x hours to pack up and leave. From what you have told us your home is only in your name, you have no children and are not married; so this should be a relatively clean break. It is wrong for him to blame you when he made no effort, it sounds like he is using this as an excuse and that he just didn't have the balls to end this earlier.

My wife and I know a couple in a very similar situation, but their's is a lot messier, they're married and have a mortgage together

9

Sorry to hear that hun,I would confront him it will only play on ur mind n Will not help wit ur self confidence.I had a similar situation years ago but I let him put me down for 2years blaming me it was all my fault,n stupidity kept letting him back until 1day I found the strength to say enough is enough n put him in his place n never looked backed n I can honesty say one of the best things I've ever done I felt so strong n in control n my self confidence grew n grew.
I know it's easy to say but things will get better u don't need a man like that in ur life u deserve so much more.
I really hope things work out for u,keep smiling n remember ur worth so much more :-)

10

The one thing that really bugged me about all this was (If I am understanding it correctly) is that he is living in YOUR house, in YOUR spare room, doing things to upset you, making you feel like crap and leaving stuff on YOUR computer for you to stumble across and get upset about....

And he is doing all of this because HE doesn't want to sleep on his friends couch??? Oh bless him! Will his poor back ache? lol

Ohhhh nope..nope nope. Seems to me that he has zero respect for the fact that YOU are kindly giving him a spare room in your house after HE LEFT YOU and creature comforts until he sorts himself out. He wants to continue living in the lap of luxury until he sorts his own shit out, while at the same time, act single and do things to upset or hurt you without a care. He could at least of waited two bloody weeks as a sign of respect to you for kinly giving him a free room and comfort until he got sorted. no?

I would show him the door and say tough shit mate...bye bye!

11

It hasn't been made clear if you own or rent the flat as your circumstances are different for each option

i would get him out ASAP and not bother mentioning the other crap as it is just a waste of your emotional energy

12

Hey, thanks to everyone who's replied. I've read everything and just wanted to say that although I don't have time to write a proper reply right now cos I'm only home for short time, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give such thoughtful replies and advice. I will come back later tonight or tomorrow and write something a bit more substantial!

Just to quickly clarify a couple of things that a few people have mentiond. The flat is rented and we are both on the lease and cover an equal share of the rent. However the landlord has agreed to let him move out without a notice period because I am staying on and taking over the full rent from the 1st of November. So at the moment he has every right to be here, although part of me still thinks that as the one who made the move to break up our relationship he should find somewhere to go even if it's just a couple of nights so he can give me some space to take it in, and I know he has had offers from friends. As it is, I've been staying with friends or family where possible and living out of a bag for most of the last week and half while trying to keep on top of some very demanding uni work and at the same time feeling like my life is falling to pieces. He on the other hand has stayed in the spare bedroom in the flat every night.

After the 1st this will be my flat, but his his new lease doesn't start until the 7th and he's planning on staying here until then, which to be honest although I wasn't exactly thrilled I was willing to allow it as long as he gave me some rent money. That was until I found all that stuff on my laptop (which btw I allowed him full use of because he didn't have one until fairly recently), now I'm really angry with him and would very much like to ask him to leave, but every time the subject has been broached he manages to turn it around and make it seem like I'm being some kind of massively selfish bitch by asking him to leave.

Anyway, I'm already running late now, so better go! But will be back soon and thanks again to everyone who's already taken the time to reply.

13

I don't know if I would count it as cheating and since a big part of why you have split up is due to sex then to be honest I wouldn't be suprised that he was doing stuff like that.

However it is now over so I don't see the point in confrunting him about it as you are not together any more and he's moving out soon any way. But if he does try to defend himself or ask for you back or try to blame it all on you then it might be worth mentioning as a way of balancing things out.

I hope you feel better soon especially untill he is gone. I'm so sorry you are having to go throught this. *Hugs*

mrs A

14

Hi Imogen.

If that was me i would be unable to tolorate having a partner chatting with cam girls (YUK, YUK) That i would regard as very very unfaithful, not as bad as going with someone but not far off. My view only of course and differing sex drives is no excuse. Very sad after six years together.

I wouldn't blame you for ditching him to be honest (((hugs)))

Aphrodite 2011

15

Hi hon

hope you are feeling a little better today. Lots of hugs cathy x

16

Hey everyone, sorry it took me a bit longer to get back to this than I thought, been busier than I expected! Which is a good thing, because I've been almost too distracted to think about my home situation.

Anyway, I think I've decided not to bring up the camgirls, at least not just now. Of course, there's every chance something might anger or upset me and I end up going back on that decision out of anger, but I'm just going to wait and see how the next few days go. I am also considering deleting the folder I found them in, so that when he gets round to moving all his other stuff off my laptop he'll discover it's gone. Bit passive aggressive I know, but it'll make me feel a little better knowing that even if I don't confront him about it, he will realise I've seen it all at some point. Plus I think it was really disrespectful of him to save that stuff on my computer anyway and I just really want it gone.

For the last few days I've been managing to basically keep to myself when we're both in the flat, essentially I'm staying shut in my room as much as possible and have hardly spoken to him. It's not ideal and I know plenty of people think I have every right to tell him to leave, but somehow I can't seem to find it in me to do it despite how angry at him. And it's only for a week, so hopefully I can stick it out, although today he knocked on my door and had the nerve to ask me why I was being so frosty with him and I nearly bit his head off for being such an idiot! Umm...you broke up with me and now you won't go away, maybe that's why?!!! He's making it very difficult for me to keep a level head about this though, coming and going at all hours and just generally being very insensitive to the fact that he's basically ripped my life to pieces.

Today the flat officially became mine because of the new lease, so it is reassuring to know that I now do have the right to tell him to leave if things come to that. But since he's intending to move next Friday I think I'll just try and save myself the grief of a big argument and keep out of the way as much as I can.

17

Hi

Just hang in there not long to go now and then you can start healing and getting on with your life. I know its tough but you will get there.

Yeah just keep yourself to yourself the best thing to do. It sounds like he's trying to push your buttons and get a reaction so by not giving him one is probally going to get to him more.

All the best.

18

Look at the reactions with regard to the flat lease - before anyone even knew what the situation really was.

I swear this place is turning into mumsnet.

19

As it turned out never got the chance to deleted the folder with the camgirl pics/videos in it, because I came home later to find him in the process of transferring all his stuff off my computer. However he has still lost it all, because the external hard drive he was using corrupted so it's all gone even though I didn't do it!

Jaycloth, I don't know anything about mumsnet but I think people were just trying to offer the only practical advice that they could given the situation, beause I don't think I worded things in a way that implied the flat was mine. Not knowing what our situation was with regards to home ownership, the only practical advice that could really be given is what I can do if he's staying here when he really has no right to do so, because with a shared tenanacy he does technically have every right to stay even if I think it would be far more courteous to give me at least a couple of days of space if he has a friend he can stay with.

20

I'll leave off commenting on jaycloth's proclamations without enough information....

Five more days till freedom, Imogen - you're almost there. I agree with you that he could have done some of the staying elsewhere. So not right to put that all on you when he's the one who decided to end it.

I'm wondering how much he did to spark your interest in sex. Not that you have an answer for that of course. But I wouldn't be surprised to read a post or two from you before too long mentioning an increased interest. Good luck with what comes next.