Ok, here goes! I’m divorced, oh has never been married, he’s said he never been in a relationship in the past where he’s wanted to. He’s said to me me he wants us to get married, but we’re in a situation at the the moment where a few people around me us are getting married. I’ve just turned 50 and he’s 43 if that makes a difference
His conversations around it, when we’re with others, are always f**k that, always said in jest. However, I’ve said how it makes me feel. His answer is that he says the right thing to me, so it’s all ok. I say that it makes me feel shit hearing him say that! He just doesn’t get it! He thinks as long as I know it’s all ok, which I agree to an extent, but it hurts to hear him say that to others.
No, from a man youre dead right. He demeans your status in the relationship when treating you like that in front of people. Serious question time for him me thinks, he wants to grow up
You are 100% correct, however my wife’s favourite joke regarding wedding anniversaries is why would you celebrate one of life’s biggest mistakes. She is joking, I know she is joking and at times I get in with it first.
But it does need to be a genuine funny, not serious commentary. So maybe a serious chat with him about it. Maybe you are the one, the one that changes that perception forever for him. Pretty hard to be serious about it when he has a wife as well.
Ah right, I understand now! Sorry. He’s. currently sleeping on the settee because he was pissed off with the conversation I’m really upset, I won’t deny
And one more thing, if you have a really good thing going between you, why bin it over something this minor. He could back off a bit, and you could also be a bit less sensitive on the topic. Too many people find ways to be offended. And that is not just you here… Maybe you are being too easily offended, but he is also too easily offended by you expressing being upset about it. So everyone needs to work through the minor matters and make the most of what really matters.
XOX
I think you’re feelings are valid. It can be hurtful to hear “locker room” jokes coming from your other half when around friends, especially when you get a different reaction alone at home.
I also think it’s okay for each person to have a joke or a laugh with their friends but there still needs to be respect within their words.
Hopefully you guys can have a better talk in the morning with clearer heads, and hopefully he won’t be as defensive whilst you talk. Goodluck!
I don’t think he should be pissed off as if he’s said one thing to you then that tune should carry into conversations with other people Even if he hadn’t considered marriage before or even scoffed at it, he’s said he’s changed his mind because of you. Even if he thinks it might seem out of character to start talking to it among friends/family if they knew his previous stance, it invalidates your relationship a bit that he isn’t willing to bring up that he’s had a change of heart and is wanting to get married to you It sounds like a good conversation is needed once both of you have cooled down a bit
Once worked in an environment where it was common to bitch and moan about your OH, i never took part, i’d rather not fit in than be that type of person.
You’re not wrong to be annoyed, it’s disrespectful.
@Rhilee he needs to grow up.
Its a bit “girls are gross” conversations with friends not to loose face, when they are 5 years old.
Right from early in our relationship my husband has respected me (and our relationship) even in my absence.
One particular moment springs to mind. He worked in retail with a group of guys all in early 20s late teens. An attractive girl came in wearing just a bikini top and shorts. All the others were looking and making comments and my Husband didn’t join in. When they asked him why later he told them. “Have you seen my Mrs? I wouldn’t do that in front of her and definitely wouldn’t behind her back”. He never told me but several of his work mates did. He could easily have joined in with the crowd, they probably gave him hell. Real decent man in my opinion.
hi,
i am very new to this forum, but from my perspective. (and only mine)
i do think there is a little locker room mentality in there, and i do not think he fully understands how it is making you feel. (how you feel is always most important)(or should be!)
i am 51, i was married very young (23) and it did not work out. i met my current wife 16yeas ago, and we got married on NYE 2019. but i remember very clearly chatter in the changing room of my rugby club loads of crap from all different types of guys, some i likes and some not. but all just locker room jibes. one one night out with the club a black tie affair, we went and banter was great and the obvious question to me when will i tie the knot, when will you give us a good night out? bla bla bla. i was one never to partake in commentry inside or outside of the changing room. (was already enough of them doing that) (idiots) but this time i did, now please understand we both come from a failed marriages so it was a subject th
at we did speak about but never got to an end or a decision (6 kids kinda do that to a couple) but anyway this time i piped up and said "i would marry XXXXXX in an absolute heartbeat. and maybe i will ask at christmas (3 weeks away at the time)
every one went so quiet, so it did have the desired effect. no more banter. and it also got us talking about it. so a week later we went jewelery shopping, she picked out the ring. and 2 weeks later on christmas morning (mind you after i had giver christmas presents) i presented the ring, got on one knee and asked. (i already knew the answer) (but was great to do it in front of all the children. here we are 2 years on marries and happier than ever.
so whats the moral of the story?
rather than getting upset by his comments, you could try saying to him if "i were asked that? i would say 1000% would marry you? now its up to you to say what you really feel. in fairness getting marries is the ultimate expression of love and affection and a statement to say i want to spend all my time with you. nothing to shy away from.
i hope your at that stage in your relationship and i hope you get past this phase.
Sounds like he gives off a very manly way of responding meaning he may not contemplate how your feelings are taken into account…
You should definitely try to open up to him on this and try to neutrally express how you feel when he says things like that in front of others.
Thank you everyone for your perspective. We’ve spoken briefly before work and he has apologised for being insensitive and said some lovely things about how much he loves me and I am his world. He’ll be home from work soon, so let’s hope for a better night and for a bit more talking and understanding xx
Good question to post, and can probably look at it in several ways, depends how deep you want to go with it.
It certainly sounds like its intended as just banter, and his male ego was riding high. If it was with mates on a blokes night out, then kind of whatever.
It is in front of you though, so surely it invalidates all the nice things he says when it’s just the two of you.
The big question for me would be why he cannot be authentic with you in front of others. Personally I would feel quite upset and offended by the behavior around it.
Have you called him out on it at the time he’s done it in front of his mates, and said that’s not what you tell me to my face?
I’d be interested in why he is unable to own his real beliefs in front of others. Also, if he does it with this particular topic, does that mean you have to second guessing everything he says in front of others in case he is simply saying what he thinks they want to hear?
No you are not.
If he is unsure , all he has to say is you are enjoying the developing relationship and will see what the future holds.
Saying what he does in public is demeaning and hurtful to you.
Tell him quite clearly to change his response. Either that the next time , out flank him by asking why he had discussed this seriously with you and see the expression of those you are with.
It sounds like a good conversation is needed once both of you have cooled down a bit 
