Ok hi again, I'm aware its been a while since I posted.
Those of you who know me know that I have a bit of a history of depression. Churchill had a black dog; I have a dragon. Its an unconquered beast but it mostly hangs out in its dungeon shooting snidey comments at me now and then. "You're going to eat ALL of that? Fat bitch." "Look at yourself, no wonder you're alone" etc etc etc
Lately its been a bit harder to deal with. Its been a bit more visable. Its been doing the mental equivalent of burning down everything I know and love and laughing at me because I have the audacity to cry. Because how dare I have feelings?
The thing is I know I'm not alone. I have friends. I have a life. I'm just struggling a bit at the moment. I can survive this. I've done and felt worse before. I can defeat this.
What sucks is the difference between knowing what I can do and the desperate pit of emptiness that tells me I'm better off "not here", even in my own thoughts I can't admit to being a bit suicidal.
Looking up it did make me smile that I had to minimise suicidal "a bit".
So yeah mental health issues. Another thread on the board about it. But I just think its healthy to talk about the subjects that are taboo.
I suffered from depression really badly for years when I was younger. It took me some time to get through it and I to felt a 'bit' suicidal at times, Hell, I even went there more than a few times, But Im so so glad I didnt succeed!!
It is good to talk about it and dont ever ever think you're alone or shouldnt be allowed to express how you're feeling, I know there are others on here who are either where you are now or have been like myself.
Saw the GP, on fluoxetine again, woo drugs. I actually have training as a mental health nurse (I'm aware of the irony).
There is a postcode lottery in my town and I know full well that unless I do something "stupid" I'm not going to get any help. I know this because I've worked for the NHS and I once did that "something stupid" (I was19) and got 3 sessions of counselling, the final one of which I was sat in the reception for an hour before the receptionist; who had booked me in, decided to tell me that the counsellor had gone home 45 minutes ago and wouldn't be seeing anyone else today.
I know I can defeat this because I've had to in the past. CBT is great. I think I'll have to get my books out and start practicing it again.
Thank you for reminding me about the tools, I should know this Avrielle. I'm just hoping its chemical.
Madness embraced and Colin the Dragon (who can take anything called Colin seriously??) is learning to behave. Thank you medication. Thank you all for your support, I kinda needed it.
I know I will be ok it's just getting in control again. I don't like feeling out of control. Its why I don't drink. I also don't drink because childhood speech impediment which shows itself after my second pint of cider. I hate slurring and stuttering. Nothing kills my confidence faster.
Madness embraced and Colin the Dragon (who can take anything called Colin seriously??) is learning to behave. Thank you medication. Thank you all for your support, I kinda needed it.
I know I will be ok it's just getting in control again. I don't like feeling out of control. Its why I don't drink. I also don't drink because childhood speech impediment which shows itself after my second pint of cider. I hate slurring and stuttering. Nothing kills my confidence faster.
There are too many people who hate the thought of medication to treat depression, but it is you who is taking the action to help yourself. If you have a broken leg, you get it treated, if you have a pain or illness, you seek treatment for that too. Why does mental health have to be different?
Because most people who claim to be depressed arent. They are sad, bored, lonely, upset, miserable ect
I'm in a crappy place at the moment, I'm between jobs, and a huge part part of my sense of self is tied up in what I do.
I meet most of the criteria to get myself medicated, certainly enough to convince a barely trained overworked doctor to medicate me, but it wouldnt be a sensible solution, because if I get this job this afternoon, I'll be strutting around like I could beat chuck norris to death with my manhood.
I spent a year unemployed once upon a time and spent a lot of time trying to convince employers that I wouldn't apply for a job if I didn't want it. Overqualified, I hate that excuse for not taking someone on. Also you won't get experience unless someone gives you a shot.
another one tomorrow, and no more cheesecake, so we'll see.
I can do tomorrow stood on my head, its only Mat cover, and they are desperate, so, I'm fairly confident, but, you never know. Anyway, sorry for thread jacking
Surreal, weird and... it made me laugh out loud. Quite unexpectedly, too. Thank you for that. Maybe it'll inspire me to poke fun at my own harsh and unwelcome beast.
Oh... Cuthbert has been sucking the joy out of everything. Even if things seem okay, then Cuthbert says that's just because they haven't gone wrong... yet. When things do go wrong, Cuthbert tells me to panic because he doesn't think there's any way that I'll be able to sort them out. If I do manage to sort them out, then that's only because Cuthbert allows me to get lucky. I daren't try to evict Cuthbert, as I might never be allowed any of that luck again.
"You can't do anything"...."Oh you did something?? Thats only because you got lucky, bastard."
"So... Everythings sunshine and lollipops? Just you wait...."
Its feels weird that when we analyse what our respective dragons that it kind of makes sense that what they tell us is nonsense; but at the same time its bloody hard to accept that.
Mine tells me I'm fat, ugly and unloveable. That the world would be better of without me. Its great at exagerations. I quite frankly have next to no impact, now if it would go talk to David Cameron that'd be great.
The thing is maybe you didn't get lucky. Maybe everything is actually ok and Cuthbert is just being an arsehole and not letting you enjoy yourself.
My dragon doesn't have a name (I think it should be something fierce because after all it's a dragon). It just reminds me that I'm bored and lonely and that I always get left out of stuff and makes me wonder what on earth I did to deserve perpetual isolation and why its the people who need friends the most who get left out :( Sorry yeah, back on that one again. Unfortunately I have nothing at all to look forward to except the arrival of my new Sims game which is supposedly coming tomorrow (today would be brilliant but I doubt it) I am really supposed to be doing uni work but I have no energy and no isolation at the minute. And I have no idea how I am supposed to make friends whilst I'm here when the people I DO know very obviously have other friends they would rather spend time with whereas I struggle to interact with people. I think I might have shot myself in the foot with the meeting new people thing as I turned down an opportunity due to not being in the mood and will probably never meet those people again...
I only named Colin because I take it way too seriously and I need to stop listening to that part of me that seems so intent on self destruction. Quite frankly Cat Lady you do what you feel is right for you and it doesn't need to be a dragon, I just feel the image is apt for how depression makes me feel. Its a very personal thing.
I love the Sim's. You can make life whatever you want it to be and when things go wrong you can start over and go back to a previously saved game, undoing your mistakes. Life would be much easier if we could do that in reality.
I've tried to learn not to regret the things that can't be undone but to instead be open and take opportunities. You can't undo your decision not to go. You can try to take any future opportunities.
