Apologies if there’s been something like this before but thought it could be a bit of fun! (I didn’t see anything)
This story is still one of my parents’ favourites, 15 or so years later
In my early-mid 20s I was a retail manager in a chain shop that sold makeup, perfume, toiletries and the like.
I’ve never had much patience for people being idiots and I was having a bad day.
The chain had started stocking a few of the Durex Play range of toys and they were out on the shop floor. A group of 3 school boys (probably age 14 or so) were hanging around them for ages being a pain and making jokes about who would use them etc.
I’d had enough so just walked up to them perfectly straight faced and told them - rather loudly - that these toys aren’t recommended for anal use (to be fair, the packaging said they weren’t) so they’d be better off looking elsewhere.
To this day I don’t think I’ve seen anyone go as bright red so quickly and disappear.
One of my staff overheard (unknown to me) and it became store legend and went round other stores too… oops?
Working in a prison, I’d gone in extra early (7am) to get residents seen- their work shifts start at 8.30 so you have a half an hour window between waking and work else you have to wait all day for them to get back. Roll on 8 hours later, clocking out at 3pm, I have my backpack and coat on and am leaving my office when I run into a group of inmates. One yells to me “Leaving early Miss?” and I, feeling especially accomplished after coming in early, replied “No, not early, I’ve been in since 7 thank you very much!!” I could have died right on the spot at him turning round and saying “Well Miss I’ve been in for 3 years so can I come with?”.
I have a billion fun stories of prison life but this one I think is my biggest “foot in mouth moment” … that and automatically wishing them a good weekend on a Friday afternoon -_-
Ah yes I get on well with everyone. Have to when you’re relying on people (who don’t particularly want to stick to the rules) volunteering to turn up to your psychological intervention clinics week on week! Can lead to some hilarious conversations as well.
Ok, i have a fair few, so i may just post one every day or so! Many years ago i worked in a butchers shop. The buildings in the town were very old and we had courtyards etc out the back. I used to feed a colony of feral cats. They had all been spayed by a cat protection charity and some were reasonably tame.
Anyway, every Saturday we had an old guy come in the shop paralytic drunk. He used to buy some cheap meat for tea, then as he bent down to put the shopping in his bag, he’d piss himself…every week! I was the mug who ended up throwing sawdust on the mess, and sweeping it up.
One Saturday, the cats had somehow killed a pigeon and left it’s corpse in the yard.
I don’t know what came over me, but i picked up the dead pigeon and took it in and dropped it in the old guy’s shopping bag as i walked past. It made me titter thinking about when he got home and unpacked his shopping to find a dead pigeon wondering in his drunken state how the hell he acquired it!
Probably was tastier than the cheap meat…quick blast on full power in the microwave with a box of micro chips…and probably the tastiest thing he’d had in years (after the beers)
@CurvyJilly I’m intrigued haha! Most of mine were from my days in retail, nothing like the British public to make you laugh! Sometimes with but more often than not, laughing at…
@MsSubExperimenter funny you should say that…my secret Santa from work a couple of years ago was a framed pic of Kenneth Williams saying “Ooh Matron” with a miniature bottle of Grey Goose vodka mounted inside! They know me so well!
A quick one…changing room curtain seems to be moving to a certain rhythm…turns out it`s an old bloke having a wank to the picture on a packet of tights!
) 
