@CurvyJilly good friend 
@WillC classic!
When I used to see teenage girls trying to steal a bit of cheap makeup (something that cost maybe £2) I’d just go up to them and say “look, if you’re going to steal something at least make it worth my time filling in the paperwork!” Every time they went red, put it back and left.
Company policy? Definitely not. Effective? Extremely haha.
@MsSubExperimenter yes, they did have to remove the bins from the changing rooms because customers kept crapping in them! 
When I worked as a manager at walmart I got called in to deal with my share of stupidity my favorite was this guy who got drunk and kicked his tv.
So I’m up taking care of something at the service desk and a coworker tells me about this guy that called wanting to return his tv. He was watching football and got drunk and kicked it when his team was loosing leaving a big dent/crack in it. A few hours later I get a call from her say hey that guy we talked about is here. This is where it gets really amusing cause not only was he stupid enough to bring the tv in, he was stupid enough to again say what and how it happened and add that he talked to her on the phone. It had been a long day and he was just being a idiot so I told him when I came up “No it’s not are fault you got drunk and broke your own stuff, next time be smart enough to come in and lie about it”.
This was at school, but it still makes me titter…we were playing on the field and were lobbing some kind of furry green fruit off a random tree at each other. I kept a few in my blazer pocket. When we were in the dinner queue i dropped a couple onto a pre-plated salad. 5 minutes later a teacher is loudly complaining to one of the dinner ladies that they are trying to poison him! 
@WillC haha I can only imagine how entertaining that was! You were the naughty kid in your year weren’t you?
Well that face of his is sooooo sweet and innocent looking I can believe it…bet he got away with it every time…
I owned a few small business outlets with a mate back in 2005, one of these stores sold sex toys and smoking equipment like bongs etc. The days were pretty crazy with the different clients we had and i have a billion stories however the funniest thing I can remember was one of our regular customers who bought penis pumps, there was not a great deal of them but he must have got 1 a week and eventually we had none left to sell him well none that he didnt have allready. then one day he popped in asking how much the extra large three barreled bong was and when we got this in lol. He 100% thought it was a penis pump that you sucked on as it had a removable cup I simoly said we got this just for you, he purchased that and a large tub of lube and went on his way
My first ever job was in a posh shoe shop and some of the customers were incredibly snooty and downright rude at time. I had one customer who was impatient and I couldn’t seem to get anything right. I had to go into the storeroom for about the millionth time to get yet a different shoe for her and the boxes were all stacked up on shelves that required a step ladder to get to the top. And of course this time the box I wanted was at the top, so got up on the ladder and was just reaching for the box when the ladder started to move , I grabbed hold of the shelf for support and it started coming away from the wall! Then boxes started to fall off everywhere spilling their contents , there were shoes mixed up with boots , all the sizes were mixed up, it was a shocking mess.
I managed to push the shelving back in but the storeroom looked like a bomb had hit it! I hurriedly crammed things back into boxes and went back out to find the woman got fed up with waiting and had left but not after making a complaint about me and the shoddy service!
As if that wasn’t bad enough I hadn’t put all the shoes back in the right boxes, a fact which came to light over the following few days when customers were presented with wrong sizes, two left feet , different colours , just about everything was wrong! Needless to say I didn’t stay in the job for long 
Oh bless you @wildflower ! I’m laughing in sympathy!
I remember my first day at work experience I was so nervous I asked if anyone wanted a cup of tea or coffee, made a note of what people wanted, made sure I got everything right. One thing I forgot? Boil the kettle!! Everyone got cold drinks 
@MsSubExperimenter Yes, it’s hilarious now looking back at it! Like something from ’ Are You Being Served’ 
In fact the shop was very much like that but without the humorous characters!
@CurvyJilly @MsSubExperimenter I was angelic It WAS over 40 years ago, i hope i’ve matured a bit since! 
@Wildflower i had a similar experience on my first afternoon at my after school/Saturday job in a butchers, my first job was to fill the shelf in the window with pork pies, i lifted the large cardboard box, and it just folded in the middle, spilling pork pies all over the sawdust covered floor! Despite that, they kept me on!
Then there was the interview for my job in a steel rolling mill. On the car journey there, my car alarm decided to malfunction, so i pull onto the car park, right in front of the main offices with my horn honking and my headlights flashing! They must have thought “We have a right clown here” Strangely, o got the job and worked there for 25 years! 
P.S. I haven`t forgotten about the poo story, but it will require a bit of writing, so i will post that tomorrow!
@wildflower it is both hilarious and disgusting, but i need to write a few paragraphs to do it justice!
The worst thing I’ve ever done in a job still occasionally keeps me up at night. I was working in research and as part of that I had to interview a fair few “mentally troubled” kids and their parents. After 3 hours of interviews with a 17 year old beast of a lad and his mother I was coming to the end of a very long day. This boy was terrifying, he towered over me (and I’m a lofty 5 ft 9), was callous and unemotional, slightly delusional and the mother had insinuated that he had recently killed the family cat. His little sister was scared of him too. We were just finishing up and one of the questions to assess anxiety disorders asked about phobias. Now I thought I’d heard it all in this section: bears, sharks, fire, spiders, the dark. Kids are scared of things, jesus I’m not the biggest fan of snakes and spiders either. Assuming this kid would be impervious to fear I was unprepared for what he was about to say. I asked him if he was afraid of anything and he said “hedgehogs, they’re just so spikey” and I laughed aloud. Never been so mortified in my life. Quickly apologised and tried to regain composure. Probably made it worse by justifying my reaction by saying “oh I find them really cute”. I’ve never lived it down, people that know still send me pictures of hedgehogs 
Bear in mind this happened 40 odd years ago…i already mentioned my after school/Saturday job in a butchers. I worked with a chap who was a bit of a laugh, proper Jack the lad type. He was about 26 to my 15, and he took me under his wing, it was great working with him, and everyday was a laugh.
Our boss`s wife had been having a clear out, and the boss brought the rubbish to work, to dump in the skip out the back. One item was a handbag, the old fashioned kind that Margaret Thatcher used to favour.
My mate got hold of it and said to me that he had an idea…he took it with him to the toilet, and after a couple of minutes came out, opened the handbag to reveal a big steaming turd inside!
He then closed it, and tossed it into the street. As it was quite early, there was nobody about.
Then an old couple walked past, the old guy saw the handbag and after looking around, kicked it into the gutter, he then proceeded to walk with one foot on the path and one foot in the gutter, kicking the bag along up to a side street. It was obvious they were not honest, as the Police Station was a few hundred feet in the opposite direction.
Once they thought they were out of sight, he picked up the bag and opened it, with his wife eagerly peering as he pulled the two sides apart.
Then there was a scream and he threw the bag as if it was on fire, as his wife looked on in horror! We were watching this from a side window upstairs and we nearly pissed ourselves laughing! I have other tales if anyone’s interested…all true!
It’s hard to put into words how they went from shifty, to pleased to sheer horror in the space of a minute! Yes, totally gross!
A tamer one…we used to troll new recruits by sending them on impossible errands, the usual stuff like sending them for a left handed screwdriver or glass hammer!
There was a betting shop opposite, so we’d send them to place a bet on a couple of horses in the 2.30 at Aintree…“Hoof Hearted” and “Ice Melted” (say it out loud )
Or we’d send them to the newsagents for a copy of “The Goat Herder’s Journal”