Heh, I think you already know I'm interested in it, and play with it with my partners. After some thinking and discussion to remember who brought the topic up first, we both think kvetch was the first to mention it. However, he didn't mention it more than one or two times. It was my research into the safety issues of male chastity and male chastity devices which led me to create the prostate milking resource on my blog. We began experimenting with devices and orgasm control whilst I was creating that resource, which took two months to do.
Most of the time we play without the actual chastity devices, although his orgasms are 100% mine whether he's wearing a device or not. :)
How do you know that you are in control of his orgasms when he is not in chastity?
I know that when I am out of chastity that it is impossible for me not relieve myself even with the best intentions?
CB-Man wrote:
How do you know that you are in control of his orgasms when he is not in chastity?
I know that when I am out of chastity that it is impossible for me not relieve myself even with the best intentions?
Kvetch takes his promises to me very seriously. He always carefully considers his willingness and ability to honour his promises before undertaking to make any promise to me. If he doesn't feel comfortable about honouring any specific promise, then he will not make that promise. We have meticulously built trust with each other, because he knows that if I ever find out that he has lied to me, no matter what the reason, I will instantly release him from my service. Truthfulness, honesty, and relevant accurate and complete disclosure are fundamental requirements for me, and I consider any transgression of those, no matter how trivial the reason, to be a deal breaker. I have never lied to him, not even a little bit, and he knows this.
Kvetch experiences regular gentle emissions of semen when he defecates. He experiences these about once a week. If kvetch felt so aroused that he needed to do something about it, he always tells me. He knows he can masturbate if he wants to, even if not to orgasm. If he feels horny and masturbates as he is allowed to do, after awhile the urgency subsides and he can keep his promise to me. I have trained kvetch so that he gets aroused when I do, and after I orgasm, he has a mini refractory period. :)
I know that I am in control of his orgasms because kvetch continues to freely and willingly give control of them to me. If at any time he wants to review his consent for that decision, he knows I will be happy to discuss it with him. If he didn't want to promise that to me, then he wouldn't. I know that he has consented to submit to my authority regardless of any devices, and I also know that no device could stop him if he decided to withdraw his consent.
If I wasn't absolutely confident about kvetch honouring my trust, then I wouldn't be with him, it's as simple as that. I know that at this point in time, I'm more important to him than any one orgasm. I know that he wouldn't throw our relationship away for a stupid lie, omission, or prevarication. If that ever changes, then, well, I'm sure I'll know when it happens.
All of that is how I know I'm in control of his orgasms.
Hi Lubyanka
Kvetch is a very lucky man to have you - what I would give to be in his shoes! After reading your reply we discussed the matter of orgasms, and I have now vowed to her that I will ever orgasm without her permission.
Since my last posting we have had a slight hiccup in that the CB3000 broke. One of the pins must have had so much pressure on it that it broke the corner off the cage section. I tried gluing it back with superglue but did not seem very secure. We found a couple of websites that just sold the cage section, but then decided to plump for the new device from Birdlocked.
Due to me being a 'grower' rather than a 'shower' we ordered the mini version which arrived a couple of days ago. It is made of silicon so very flexible (similar to the look and feel of a wii remote cover). I have found no problem putting it on, and when put on the smallest strap setting, is very secure. What is nice is that it is soft to the touch and my keyholder can squeeze my member. Hopefully Lovehoney will start to stock this soon, as I think it will be a big seller.
There have been reports that people have been able to relieve themselves with this device but I cannot see how this would be possible with the mini version - I think I would just get to the point of total frustration!
Thank you for your kind sentiments, CB-Man, and I'm glad things are working out for you. :)
I'm curious, you said:
"I know that when I am out of chastity that it is impossible for me not relieve myself even with the best intentions?"
and then a month after reading my response, you said:
"After reading your reply we discussed the matter of orgasms, and I have now vowed to her that I will ever orgasm without her permission."
so I was wondering, if refraining from masturbation when out of your chastity device was impossible for you before, how did you manage to change that? I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on that - I think it's possible that a lot of people struggle with similar difficulties.
I'm also curious about why you think kvetch is so lucky to have me, just from what I wrote in my previous post in this thread. (I mean, I know he's lucky to have me in general, obviously, heh) Was there something specific in there which especially resonated with you?
I think we have re-evaluated what we both want from this lifestyle and I realize that to achieve what I want from this relationship I needed to make this commitment to her to fully control all my orgasms. Looking back, I was just being selfish and doing what I wanted but still wanting the experience of this lifestyle. I love her very much and because of that I am only disappointing her if I do not take it seriously.
I admire the trust that you have in your relationship and am envious of kvetch as you seem the type of woman who I would love to serve. The way that you respect him, but have such control over him is awe inspiring. You obviously enjoy the lifestyle and that for me is the most important foundation. In previous replies you have also touched on the subject of hypnosis and they way that you have put that to use in training kvetch for certain trigger circumstances; I would love to undergo hypnosis to see if it would have the same effect on me, and how far that could be pushed. I am totally devoted to this style of relationship, and just wish that I could be in a position to serve someone 24/7. Thank you for your inspiration, and making me realise that I must give 100% commitment as this also gives me 100% satisfaction and fulfilment.
CB-Man wrote:
I think we have re-evaluated what we both want from this lifestyle and I realize that to achieve what I want from this relationship I needed to make this commitment to her to fully control all my orgasms. Looking back, I was just being selfish and doing what I wanted but still wanting the experience of this lifestyle. I love her very much and because of that I am only disappointing her if I do not take it seriously.
I admire the trust that you have in your relationship and am envious of kvetch as you seem the type of woman who I would love to serve. The way that you respect him, but have such control over him is awe inspiring. [...] Thank you for your inspiration, and making me realise that I must give 100% commitment as this also gives me 100% satisfaction and fulfilment.
I'm really glad your situation is progressing as you'd hoped, that's great news. :)
After your experience with deciding to truly give control of your orgasms to your wife, I think you know now that the control a dominant has over her submissive is really 100% in the hands of the submissive. I hope you can now recognise that whatever control I have over kvetch is solely because he exerts that control over himself to please me.
So although I appreciate your admiring sentiments (and I do, I really do), I think a lot of the kudos belongs to kvetch. He is an exceptional person. :)
I am totally devoted to this style of relationship, and just wish that I could be in a position to serve someone 24/7.
I'm curious, you explore chastity play with your wife, I thought you lived together? So what is preventing you from serving your wife 24/7?
I think you have hit the nail on the head - I think I was always hoping that someone dominant would 'make' me submit, but it is me who really wants to serve. They should not have to force me to do something, it should be me that wants to please my mistress.
I love being in chastity though. The constant reminder; and never knowing when I am going to be released. It has reached the stage where I almost feel euphoria after orally giving her an orgasm and I feel fully satisfied and just want to comfort her until she falls asleep in my arms. I would not change that for the world.
When I say serving 24/7, I just mean that in an ideal world, I would not have to go to work everyday and spend the whole day looking after her too. I know that this is a fantasy, but the thought is there!
CB-Man wrote:
I think you have hit the nail on the head - I think I was always hoping that someone dominant would 'make' me submit, but it is me who really wants to serve. They should not have to force me to do something, it should be me that wants to please my mistress.
I know, this is one of those things. So many people seem to kink hard for it! I personally find it off-putting in a partner, because I feel like the bottom is abdicating responsibility for their desires and putting that responsibility on me. And in my experience, this usually means that the bottom is going to unfairly blame me for stuff, which I hate. I'm really pleased you've come to this conclusion yourself, and I'm your wife probably is too. :)
I love being in chastity though. The constant reminder; and never knowing when I am going to be released. It has reached the stage where I almost feel euphoria after orally giving her an orgasm and I feel fully satisfied and just want to comfort her until she falls asleep in my arms. I would not change that for the world.
I get that, kvetch experiences that euphoria too. :)
I also understand the comfort many feel from many kinds of bondage, like having bits of you wrapped in a hug. I think things get confusing when the bottom associates that feeling of comfort and safety with the top's responsibility, because if that responsibility isn't explicitly negotiated, problems can arise quickly, as you have probably noticed. :)
When I say serving 24/7, I just mean that in an ideal world, I would not have to go to work everyday and spend the whole day looking after her too. I know that this is a fantasy, but the thought is there!
I appreciate the fantasy of devoting 100% of your time to your wife and spending 100% of your time with her. I'm sure you can enjoy the fantasy knowing that the reality could easily become fairly difficult pretty quickly. However, I am often amazed at how a simple re-evaluation of a situation can change it radically from an unpleasant chore to a fulfilled fantasy. :)
For example, I know that kvetch serves me 100% of the time whether he's actually with me or not. When kvetch goes off to work, he often says about how he has to go now, to keep me in the style to which I am entitled to become accustomed, to bring home the sushi, and stuff like that. Perhaps it will help you feel more in her service if you consider that you can serve your wife whether she is physically there or not. Some of your service to your wife can be done outside her presence, and your day job can simply be another aspect of the service you provide to your wife.
How does that grab you? ;)
This has been one of the most fascinating threads for all sorts of reasons.
When I first encountered the notion of ( predominantly male) chastity, I found it very hard to understand but the more I've read about it, the more insight I've gained.
While I still find it odd that a man would willingly want to do this - I do understand the "need" and if the 2 people involved can make it work then that's all that matters - but what happens when one partner craves it but the other can't handle it?.
I've realised that the more submissive I'm becoming, the better I feel about myself, pleasing my husband is now the most important thing in my life, even though he doesn't yet fully understand why the change in me has occured. I've spent my whole life being strong and had to be in control of everything,when all it did was make me miserable, I think I'm happier now than I've ever been in my marriage because I'm no longer selfish.
I struggled with how I felt at first because I thought it made me weak and pathetic to want my husband to take control - he struggled ( still does I think as it's only been 3 months or so) as he felt I was trying too hard to please him after a very rough patch in which we could have seen our 24 year marriage implode if we hadn't worked hard at repairing our relationship.
It seems like much of my unhappiness came from me trying to bury my true nature by being "strong" - at first I thought I was disgusting for loving it when he pats my bum and tells me I'm a good girl but I realise it's something I need and it must come naturally to him too because there's a glint in his eye when he " makes me wait".
I don't think either of us want it to get as far as me being truly subservient , he's not my "master" and I certainly wouldn't want him to control of every aspect of my life but if it works for others then that's great - he is as concerned with my happiness as I am with his, no relationship can survive without mutual love and respect , whatever the "roles"within it.
Cb man, I hope you and your wife continue to be happy in the choices you have made - I just have one question - how would you have felt if it was your wife that wanted you to dominate her? ( especially before you realised your own needs).
Hi Lady Lara, thanks for joining the thread.
My wife is not the dominating type, (or should I say, was not) and we have a very normal loving lifestyle who to our friends just seems like a loving couple. She has always been open to suggestions, and when I suggested chastity she was willing to give it a try. I will always remember the playful look on her face when lying next to her in bed on the first occasion when she said ‘you’re my little puppy now’. It was a very gradual process and for the first few occasions it was just for a few days. I think we then gave it a rest for a while, but then when I became a little over amorous and she was not in the mood she said ‘I think it’s time to lock you up!’ From then on, whenever she has mentioned the device I have always put it on and presented myself to her for her to click the lock shut. Once locked she enjoys seeing how long it is before I become ‘gagging for it’ and this is compounded by her teasing me by tweaking my nipples, wearing seductive lingerie in front of me, and seeing how frustrated I am after making her come either orally or by her vibrator. The longest she has kept me locked up so far is just under 2 months!
Anyway, back to your question; she likes me to be strong in our relationship and when I am out of chastity she does like it when I am dominating in bed, but then if she wanted more of that I suppose she would not keep me locked up so much. I think we have a relationship that works for us; Socially we come across as equals, but behind closed doors I am the one that cleans, irons, gives her manicures, pedicures, and generally pampers to her every need.
Lubyanka – Do you go out to work? I suppose you are right in that by going to work I am helping to provide for her, it’s just that the weekends are so special being together all day that I just want every day to be like a weekend day. My wife works from home with her own successful business, so although I contribute, maybe one day we will be in a position where I can give up my job and we can be together all day.
Lady Lara wrote:
While I still find it odd that a man would willingly want to do this - I do understand the "need" and if the 2 people involved can make it work then that's all that matters - but what happens when one partner craves it but the other can't handle it?.
I've thought about this a lot, because it's a question which keeps reappearing all over the place from all sorts of people. I wrote a blog post about one aspect of it. I wrote the post mostly with online date-seekers in mind, so please be aware that I meant to describe many of those individuals, and not people such as yourselves. :)
One point which I feel is especially pertinent is the desire for time, attention, and focus from the target person, in this case your spouses.
http://ladylubyanka.wordpress.com/2008/05/27/do-me/#Rescue-Me
I think that when people approach their spouse with a specific kink such as chastity, I feel that a significant part of that craving is less about the specific kink, and more about being the focus of loving attention and validation. I mean, I think that one of the ways we all benefit from being in close personal relationships is how we feel when we know that we matter, and are important to the other person who values us. I think this bolsters our self esteem and is an important part of helping us to value ourselves. In my experience, this loving focus and validation is a key part of what tends to be missing from a lot of struggling partnerships.
Furthermore, from what I've been told, when one person approaches their partner with a kink in which their partner is disinterested, what often happens is not only that the partner disregards the kink as uninteresting, but then often proceeds to disregard their partner in general, in a fear that if they focus on their partner, the partner will keep pushing the kink. So the partner with the kink gets disregarded, the target partner feels their needs are disregarded, and nobody benefits.
I think that is seriously tragic. :/
If the partners truly care about each other, I'd like to see a discussion about a specific kink proceed towards the partners increasing their focus on each other, regardless of whether the kink is desired by all parties or not. I think an increase in loving focus would go a long way towards satisfying the cravings, even if the named kink is set aside in favour of a different one or some other compromise.
In my opinion, if the need for loving focus and validation goes unmet for long enough, I think that is the cause of the intense desperation of many of the "do me!!" individuals I wrote about in that post. They think it's their kink which drives them, but I don't think it is. I think they're using the kink to seek their other needs. It is my opinion that kinky cravings are born from an intense, unmet need for loving focus and validation. I think this because in my experience, if those needs are met, the intensity of other cravings tends to significantly decrease. If the intensity of the craving doesn't decrease in the face of sufficient loving focus and validation, then I think there's another issue at work.
These are some of my thoughts on the topic. I don't know if either of you feel that any of them apply to you, but anyhow, that's what I think about it based on my experience thus far.
CB-Man wrote:
Lubyanka – Do you go out to work? I suppose you are right in that by going to work I am helping to provide for her, it’s just that the weekends are so special being together all day that I just want every day to be like a weekend day. My wife works from home with her own successful business, so although I contribute, maybe one day we will be in a position where I can give up my job and we can be together all day.
My work schedule has always been erratic because I'm a musician. So when I'm working, it's most usually at night. When he can, sometimes kvetch roadies for me. Also I'm recovering from some medical stuff as I mentioned in another thread, so I can't work as much as I used to.
You might be interested to know that kvetch craves space and privacy on a regular basis, and I think that every human being needs to have that available to them sometimes. So just to be aware that even if you could be home all day serving your wife in her presence, you might find that doing that can be more difficult on a personal level than you imagined. Besides which, weekends are special precisely because they are rarer. Imagine if every day was xmas - how long do you think it would take before xmas became unutterably dull? ;)
Having said that, I do hope it all works out for you and Lady Lara. :)
I know that i'm the type of person who does not like 'alone time'. Some of my friends are exactly the same. Some need to have time out from each other, but I find that even if she goes out for the evening I am lost for things to do. I crave other peoples company and it would be my worst nightmare if I ever had to live alone.
We have worked together at two different companies in the past, and always found that we work well together :)
CB-Man wrote:
I know that i'm the type of person who does not like 'alone time'. Some of my friends are exactly the same. Some need to have time out from each other, but I find that even if she goes out for the evening I am lost for things to do. I crave other peoples company and it would be my worst nightmare if I ever had to live alone.
We have worked together at two different companies in the past, and always found that we work well together :)
I'm sure all that is true. However, the situation can change when you never have any alone time. Besides, even if you never want any alone time for yourself, your wife might need some for herself.
Also, it might be worth exploring why it is that you feel so uncomfortable with alone time. It's possible that you might be unknowingly putting pressure on those closest to you to have somebody with you all the time. I think this is something you might benefit from investigating. :)
I am an outgoing confident person, so it has nothing to do with being insecure or anything like that, I just crave others peoples company. I do not smother her, we can be doing things in different parts of the house most of the time – it’s just nice to have that interaction from time to time. If she is working I do not loiter, there are plenty of other things I can be getting on with (my work is never done). For those interested – an update on the Birdlocked. I have now been locked up for 10 days and all is good. This device is so much more comfortable than my old CB3000. I have not been unlocked during this time, and have kept the CB on during my showers and baths (My wife keeps joking that she has forgotten the combination on the keysafe!). During this time she has made sure that she has been sexually fulfilled by me, much to my frustration. The device is very easy to keep clean and I have no trouble getting to sleep even on my front or side, which would never had been possible in the old cage.Lubyanka wrote:
Also, it might be worth exploring why it is that you feel so uncomfortable with alone time. It's possible that you might be unknowingly putting pressure on those closest to you to have somebody with you all the time. I think this is something you might benefit from investigating. :)
I have only read the first few threads, and will definitely be coming back to read the rest. Its very informative and nothing short of fascinating. Thank you both for sharing these insights with us all
Thanks SmoothOne for adding your comments.
Update - This is now day 29 in the Birdlocked! My wife is loving all the attention that she gets, and she is getting all the satisfaction she needs! The Birdlock has not been off in this time and I find that it is easy to clean in the shower.
I am like a coiled spring ready to go off at any second - she only has to touch me and I can feel me straining down below. Not sure when I am going to get released, I know better than to ask, but I also know that she probably thinks that if I don't mention it I must be happy with it on. What should I do? We are off to London in a few weeks time so I hope I will get relief before then.
CB-Man wrote:
Thanks SmoothOne for adding your comments.
Update - This is now day 29 in the Birdlocked! [...] I am like a coiled spring ready to go off at any second - she only has to touch me and I can feel me straining down below. Not sure when I am going to get released, I know better than to ask, but I also know that she probably thinks that if I don't mention it I must be happy with it on. What should I do? We are off to London in a few weeks time so I hope I will get relief before then.
Have you considered talking to your wife about this? I think it's perfectly possible for you to explain how you feel without asking for release. Just explain to her what's been going on with you, and see if you can negotiate something which works for both of you. For example, you might suggest that at the same time she locks you up, she can specify a time limit of her choosing so that you always know how long you have to go.
Personally, I avoid planning ahead like this because I never know how either of us are going to feel on the day. But something like that might work for you. Please let us know how it goes? And good luck. :)
Hi Lubyanka
Like you, we have mentioned it in the past but we would not want that pressure of 'having too' just because it is the day of release.
I do like the feeling of not knowing when release will be, and she likes to push the boundaries so that she can see that I'm gagging for it and that just makes her more determined to prolong the lockup time. Last night she did mention the fact that I had not yet done all the ironing this week (or cleaned the downstairs clockroom), so I think there are still a few duties that I need to do before she will even contemplate letting me out!