I've been naughty.....

Sex Tips & Talk
1

scene. feeling a bit insecure after husband eyeing up topless beauties on the beach in the south of france. ( i'm a short size 12/14 with large sagging boobs and saggy mishapen tummy after childbirth)

a few days ago my husband left his phone unlocked and i had a quick look at his texts. i found a text from him to a girl he used to work with many years ago. it said " i can't stop thinking about you in that dress" her reply " why thank you kind sir, nice to speak to you again" end of messages

which i think is quite flirtatious and a little provocative. i don't mind the flirting or the content of the text. but i annoyed and upset beacuse he's never been like that with me and we've been together 15yrs.

i know its my fault cos i shouldn't have been snooping.

2

Tbh I don't think you've been naughty, its more like him. There is a girl at my work, and if someone looked at my phone would think there is something going on, but its just friendly banter. And my oh knows that too. It might just be a but of friendly banter tho.

3

First of all its not your fault. There may well be an innocent explanation but its completely inappropriate behaviour for a married man. Im not sure how you should approach it but he needs to explain himself.

4

If I found that message in my OHs phone, he would end up needing the phone surgically removed from his head.
I know he looks at other women. Every man does but he tells me if he sees a women and thinks she's hot or likes what she's wearing etc. We then will openly discuss what We both find attractive or unattractive about that person. However, if I found out he was telling another women he was thinking about them and how sexy they looked in an outfit..... I would be very angry.
I don't think you have been naughty at all. My partner and I have full access to each other's phones and bags etc. If they have nothing to hide there shouldn't be an issue with you reading their messages

5

blonde vixen13 wrote:

If I found that message in my OHs phone, he would end up needing the phone surgically removed from his head.
I know he looks at other women. Every man does but he tells me if he sees a women and thinks she's hot or likes what she's wearing etc. We then will openly discuss what We both find attractive or unattractive about that person. However, if I found out he was telling another women he was thinking about them and how sexy they looked in an outfit..... I would be very angry.
I don't think you have been naughty at all. My partner and I have full access to each other's phones and bags etc. If they have nothing to hide there shouldn't be an issue with you reading their messages

LOL that's exactly what I thought.

And I also agree with your post, in regards to both myself and my OH comment about who we find attractive ect and it's something we both openly dicuss.

I'd be SO annoyed if I seen a text message like that on his phone. Yes we talk openly about things, but for him then to go behind my back and text another woman telling her he'd been thinking about her all day in something, I'd be livid. And he'd know about it, IMO that is so many levels of disrespectful it's untrue.

I again agree I don't think you've been naughty my OH can look in my phone as I can his, we have access to each others FB, emails, and pretty much everything. We have nothing to hide so him using my email account for things as he does on occasion isn't a bother, just like I use his FB when I get addicted to those silly FB games and need things.

In regards to who's been naughty here I very much think it's him, and I would be so angry right now.

I hope you're feeling OK. xx

6

I agree with BV on this one hun.. If I found a text like that on my partners phone ( Which he knows I take a sneeky peek at every now and again ) I would give him a right earfull. I expect the same amount of respect as I give to him and I know I would never send flirtatious texts like that to another man.

If I were you I would speak to him though. Maybe he has a co-worker fantasy you could act out together? Explain to him how you feel and ask him why he doesn't feel he can be that way with you. But don't think it's your fault for snooping through his phone because it really isn't xx

7

I agree with the general consensus. Once a relationship is really serious then there shouldn't be secrets. Like FA, we have access to each others Facebook, emails, texts etc and discuss attractiveness of people we see. If this happened to either of us there would be some serious explaining to do.

8

Absolutely agree with all the above comments. Don't feel guilty , he's to blame for sending a text like that to another woman. I know I'd be devastated if I found out my husband had been doing this.

You do really need to talk to him about this, keeping it bottled up will only result in you feeling insecure and angry.

9

I totally agree with BV and FA - Mr Scorpius and I have a very honest relationship. If we see someone who we think is attractive we also tell each other and point them out and there is nothing wrong with that all. We also have total access to each others e-mails, phones, fb etc. If there is nothing to hide then there should never be an issue with things like that.

I would be very hurt and angry if I found something like that on his phone and like BV said he would probably also have to have it surgically removed! You have most definately not been naughty or done anything wrong - he has a lots of explaining to do.

Sending lots of hugs and remember we are all here for you Babe xxx

10

I would say the main issue here is trust. I have been married for nearly 22 years and I hope we trust each other.

For example I would not dream of going into my wife's handbag or go looking on her phone.

She knows that I text and message female friends and I know she does the same with her male friends. Because we tell each other.

In fact she has met most of my female friends so there are no secrets. If I am completely honest I know my wife was worried about a very good friend who I chat to very regularly who I met on here. But after they met, my wife said that she could see that there was nothing going on and that we were just very good friends.

That said if she were to look at my phone some of the banter is quite cheeky and could easily be taken out of context.

Having discovered flirty texts, my advice would be to talk to him about it, hopefully it will just be harmless.

My view is that there is nothing wrong with a bit of flirting and banter as long as you are not hiding anything from your OH, but I do feel that there needs to be a level of trust in a relationship and also that it is healthy if you allow each other their own space.

I accept that I might me in the minority though.

11

I should probably also add that when chatting on line I go set myself clear boundries that I will not cross. My online friends also know where the boundry is and that is all about being there for eachother and for a bit of fun.

Sometimes it is good to have someone outside of your imemiate situation you can talk to about anything.

I do have a very special forum friend who I have been chatting with for almost a year, we describe our relationship as being like brother and sister.

By the way, I have met my best forum friend's husband and we are now also good friends.

12

I can see why you're upset, angry over the whole situation.

Me and LilMissMardyBum who is also on these forums have nothing to hide from each other. She has access to my emails (Not that i get sent anything exciting) and my FB and also my phone. And its the same likewise.

I suppose the only difference being is that i dont look on her phone and likewise she doesnt look on mine.

I work in a office which is predeminantly full of women but i talk them as them being colleagues or friends and nothing more. I dont have their phone numbers for starters as i have no need. But i think its really disrespectful to send a text of that context to another woman, when it should be you he is paying for full attention on and you he should be making the complimentary comments too.

Personally i would confront him about it as it will only eat away at you and you will get even more wound up about it. Talk about it and let him know how it makes you feel.

Can i ask what made you look at his messages in the first place? Just curious to know whether you were having suspicions before you read the messages?

13

"I can be the jealous type. You only have two options.... Confront him, or keep quiet. Confronting him puts you on the line for snooping, being quiet will let this thing eat at you....

This sounds like a body image issue, and honestly if you feel you are unnattractive in your current state you can start up the pity party, or do something about it. While I never agree that anyone should change for another person, you obviously have some insecurities that need dealing with... (With your relationship and within your self)

If you want the feel attractive again get a good push up and girdle and find yourself a sexy dress, start a work out regimen, find time to be the beautiful goddess you are on the inside, being a mom and wife does not mean you have to lose your sexy side, get back in touch with that and stay positive and see how things turn out.

ps very sorry if I sound non sympathetic or mean, I am a person to call it as I see it. Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with that!

14

Babeintoyland wrote:

"I can be the jealous type. You only have two options.... Confront him, or keep quiet. Confronting him puts you on the line for snooping, being quiet will let this thing eat at you....

This sounds like a body image issue, and honestly if you feel you are unnattractive in your current state you can start up the pity party, or do something about it. While I never agree that anyone should change for another person, you obviously have some insecurities that need dealing with... (With your relationship and within your self)

If you want the feel attractive again get a good push up and girdle and find yourself a sexy dress, start a work out regimen, find time to be the beautiful goddess you are on the inside, being a mom and wife does not mean you have to lose your sexy side, get back in touch with that and stay positive and see how things turn out.

ps very sorry if I sound non sympathetic or mean, I am a person to call it as I see it. Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with that!

Whilst i can agree with some of the points you have mentioned. There are things i can see that would further increase the insecurities that OP may have. Further increased by the fact that husband has been paying compliments to some woman he works with. Yet not making a compliment to his wife, the lady who gave birth to his children.

But yes fully agree with the go out and by yourself something sexy. Make him see what he has and make him see that he is lucky to have you.

15

saucey21 wrote:

scene. feeling a bit insecure after husband eyeing up topless beauties on the beach in the south of france. ( i'm a short size 12/14 with large sagging boobs and saggy mishapen tummy after childbirth)

a few days ago my husband left his phone unlocked and i had a quick look at his texts. i found a text from him to a girl he used to work with many years ago. it said " i can't stop thinking about you in that dress" her reply " why thank you kind sir, nice to speak to you again" end of messages

which i think is quite flirtatious and a little provocative. i don't mind the flirting or the content of the text. but i annoyed and upset beacuse he's never been like that with me and we've been together 15yrs.

i know its my fault cos i shouldn't have been snooping.

Firstly, I can guarentee that 99% of women aren't confident with their own body, and I'm one of them. But I can live with it because my husband has reassured me that he still finds me more than attractive. I think you need to talk to him and ask him how he really sees you.

You also say that your husband left his phone unlocked? Does he have a passcode on it? Me and my husband have passcodes on our phone for security purposes in case it was lost or stolen, but we both know the codes to each others phones, as should be the case with all couples. Is there trust issues outstanding in the relationship? Just wondering why you felt the need to go through his phone, I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, because obviously you've found something concerning to you, but there must be some underlying issues. If I wanted to look at my husbands phone, or he wanted to look at mine, we would just say and hand them over right away because we both have trust, and nothing to hide.

If my husband ever said that to anyone I would have serious concerns about our relationship. We're very happily married, and I wouldn't dream of making a comment like that to anyone, and I know he respects me too much to say anything like that to anyone also.

A married man should not be making comments like that to anyone apart from his wife. You haven't done anything wrong, you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this. It's just not right.

16

I think you should talk to him. I've been with my BF for 3yrs and we were good friends before we got together, so I feel that we can talk to each other about anything. Personally, I would of hated it if he was eyeing up other women in that way. I'm lucky as my BF isn't like that-he is quite shy round the ladies! If anything we were both looking at the ladies when we were on holiday this year! lol.

But I digress, you should tell him how you feel, don't think you should of gone through his phone though.

17

Don't stress. I usually send txts like that to girlfriends [even though they have a boyfriend], and they give back as good as they get.

Think it's a bit of fun, nothing more.

18

Saucy, you had serious cause to check him out so don't feel bad about snooping. The texts are a huge cause for concern about where his loyalties lie. If my other half had been eyeing up other ladies or even sent texts like that I'd be a little hurt and I'd tell him too! And you should too! Tell your man how hurt you are, 15 years is a serious commitment and tbh at this point in your relationship you two should be able to freely talk to one and other and air any concerns openly.

Best of luck with this, its a tricky situ as he could try and turn this on you and blame you but don't let him turn the argument round, remember- he's the one who's committed the bigger naughty here... let us know how it goes :)

19

Ive resisted commenting so far because I think my response is a lot different from everyone elses.

My general advice would be to talk to him as if you don't it might show in your behaviours that somethings up and that could cause more problems in the long run.

As for checking his phone dont make a habit of it.I dont have my sirs usernames, passcode or passwords for anything and vica versa, id never look though his phone or email as he has a lot of work stuff on there most of which is confidential and very boring and he extends me the same respect. I think even within relationships you should respect each others privacy even if you have nothing to hide. Id ever give any person my password especially if its on a site like this or ebay where theres a chance of my card being used.

However if his behaviours changed, like hes being more secretive with his phone or new passwords appearing that would raise an alarm bell in my mind, overall though if your confidence in low there might be a chance that no matter what he says it wont reasure you effectively so thats something you need to work on not just for the sake of your relationships but for your own personal happieness and well being

Sorry once again if anything I say has offended anyone. Xxx

20

Going to come from the opposite side of the snooping fence here.....

I do think context is important. I see a lot of people saying "Don't worry, I sent flirty texts, it doesn't mean anything" but remember, your relationship is different and what is okay for your relationship is not okay for someone elses. It is also pretty obvious that saying you do send these flirty texts to friends, but if the lady ever saw them she might not be happy....is probably crossing your relationship bounderies too. Just because "It doesn't mean anything" to you, as in, you have no intention of sleeping with, or acting on the flirting, doesn't mean the flirting in itself is still not heartbreaking to some people. Just because it is a bit of fun for you, doesn't mean it is not hurtful to your partner and if you feel any need to delete those messages, or put a lock on your phone, or feel nervous or angry if your partner snoops...then you probably KNOW you are crossing the line and potentially hurting them, but saying "It doesn't mean anything" is denying him or her...their feelings. It clearly means something to the OP and if I ever found a text like that on my guys phone, it would hurt me too. If that makes any sense at all?

I often feel that using the "It's wrong to snoop" is almost like...the BEST excuse for anyone up to no good. Its perfect. You turn the guilt and the wrong doing back on to the person who caught you out in a lie or cheating or some version of it. It is simply a way to rise upon a pedestal of righteousness and say "You snooped, what is wrong with you" People now feel so guilty for snooping but the ironic thing is, people don't often snoop unless they have some suspicion of some kind. Maybe this is biased but...I found that almost every single partner I was with, who kept their phone from me, or kept it locked and who brought up the subject of "Snopping is wrong and shouldnt happen, I would never snoop on you" were the ones who I later discovered were up to no good! lol. It is kind of obvious that when a partner does not flinch when you pick up his/her phone and tells you their passwords etc, are generally like that because they have zero to hide. I never did understand the whole "Snooping is bad" thing because, in a serious relationship, snooping shouldnt exist anyway because, what secrets, unless your in the CIA, would you need to so protectively keep from your soul mate? Maybe I am missing something. I also understand it is impractical and impossible and totally over the top to walk in from work and relay every conversation you had, show them your phone, emails and what not, but if your partner casually picked up your phone one day, whats wrong with that? Unless you have something to hide? Seriously what is wrong with your long term partner casually reading a text? Why is this snooping? I am confused lol

I dunno. I think thats my jaded opinion on the snooping thing.

OP: If it were me, I would not be able to NOT talk to him about it and I would feel exactly the same as you, especially if my guy had paid me little attention but was splashing the compliments around on other women. I would take that as an insult yes. It would hurt me a lot.