So seen a fair few people turn to LH for help, and I kinda need some advise so here goes.
So going back about 3 months, in a long distance relationship (like Australia long distance) and had been for a significant period of time, and we had it working for us. Then I went to Africa for just under a month, no contact with the internet etc, and obvs no contact with my OH in auz. I get back and have an email saying “we need to talk” Turns out that she had been sleeping with a fair few other guys while I was away. Heartbreak, but I still had a life to live, that’s not the issue.
A few days ago got an email along the lines of “I really fucked up, I still love you, I didn’t know what I good thing I had till I lost it, can you forgive me” Now I know that if it was someone else the advise I would give would be, hell no, but I never truly got over her. The thing is I get moments where I feel like everything will work out and be all Hollywood, but also I get massive feelings of doubt, that even though her feelings are probably genuine, there were before as well and what’s not to say she won’t go do it again.
So seen a fair few people turn to LH for help, and I kinda need some advise so here goes.
So going back about 3 months, in a long distance relationship (like Australia long distance) and had been for a significant period of time, and we had it working for us. Then I went to Africa for just under a month, no contact with the internet etc, and obvs no contact with my OH in auz. I get back and have an email saying “we need to talk” Turns out that she had been sleeping with a fair few other guys while I was away. Heartbreak, but I still had a life to live, that’s not the issue.
A few days ago got an email along the lines of “I really fucked up, I still love you, I didn’t know what I good thing I had till I lost it, can you forgive me” Now I know that if it was someone else the advise I would give would be, hell no, but I never truly got over her. The thing is I get moments where I feel like everything will work out and be all Hollywood, but also I get massive feelings of doubt, that even though her feelings are probably genuine, there were before as well and what’s not to say she won’t go do it again.
Were it me in the same position, I'd be inclined to forgive it. She's obviously sorry for what she's done. It's impossible to say what was going through her mind at the time, but the trouble with LDRs is that if you take away the contact, you have nothing at all. Trust me, some women can turn a little crazy when we're away from our partners, I speak from experience! She may have felt she couldn't handle the pressures of a LDR any more, but once she'd gone off with other people she realised the mistake she'd done.
I can't promise you she won't do it again, but while you say she was genuine before, she has experience now in how awful it feels to cheat on you, so if she is still serious about you she won't put you both through it again. She realises she's made a mistake. It's up to you now to figure out whether it's worth losing what you had over that.
I don't agree with Ecks here. I'd be more likely to take it as an opportunity to not put yourself through more potential heartache and worrying.
I think you need to look at in in the widest context and then narrowest. There are many questions to ask yourself not limited to these. I won't pass too strong a judgement, after all you know your relationship best.
Does long distance really work for you? Is it too far?
Will anything stop it happening again?
How long have you spent together before LD? Do you really know what she would be like as a no-LD GF?
Does it being a 'few guys' make her less trustworthy? You really do need trust.
Is it even worth it? You don't really see her, do you or her intend to move in the future?
Is long distance denying you other opportunities that would make you just as happy? Were you only together just because.
Can you be sure of her feelings? Could she just be sad or upset or guilty?
Of course there are many more questions but a negative answer for me to some of the above would be deal breakers. I hope you are well Doug.
If it was me, I'd ignore her. She had her chance she blew it, she didnt apologise quickly so the chances are her flings have lost interested and so shes come back. I could never forgive anyone for cheating.
However, you have to do what feels right. One thing is that once people have cheated a lot cheat again.
A LDR absolutely has to rely on trust - it's hard enough to come back from the broken trust caused by cheating in a "normal" relationship. It'd be near on impossible to build it up again in an LDR. Every time she doesn't text you, you'll think she's with another boy and every time you go out she'll be thinking how easy it was for her and worry you'll be doing the same thing she did.
Personally, I'd chalk it up to experience and move on.
The fact that she couldn't wait a month to talk to you about how she was feeling rather than cheating on you says a lot to me. It's not like she did it once, regretted it and waited to speak to you before anything else happened - that'd be the kind of thing I could forgive personally. Instead she acted as though you didn't matter for a month and repeatedly cheated on you. Is that something you can forgive?
How can you be sure it's not just convenient for *her* to be with you? What are you getting from the relationship?
I hope this doesn't sound harsh hun - I just see some pretty big alarm bells in what you've said and I don't want to see you get hurt - that said, you know your relationship and her best!
Hiya Doug. Coming from someone who's head has been shit on. . . Have you shagged around whilst in this relationship? Probably not. Why did she sleep around with a few guys and not just one? In my experience these people will do it again at some stage even if years later. I would say thanks but no thankyou and get on with my life. But that's just cold hearted bastard me! You only shit on me once, never again mate! Hope you get what you want out of this. SG
I've been in similar positions where someone LD cheated and then wanted me back later. I felt similar to you- battling between my head and my heart and feeling different about it from day to day. In the end I went with my head and decided that a little bit of heartbreak now (I'd already been through the worst of it anyway) was better than longterm heartbreak/worry. I didn't see the point of undoing all the work I'd done up until that point getting over him only to set myself up to have to do the same again.
Plus deep down I knew he was a dick and was kinda relieved to be free.
Every situation is different but personally I don't put up with cheating and don't like to trust my emotional well-being in someone who is willing to jeopardise it for a shag.
If it was one mistake, I reckon I'd try to forgive it.
I've cheated in a past relationship & I can understand that when you feel lonely & neglected a mistake can happen.
In my case the gut-wrenching guilt kicked in immediately & I was physically ill for a week afterwards from guilt and remorse. I still hate the thought of what I did.
In my case it made me resolute that I'd never do anything like it again to any partner (or to myself on a selfish note).
That relationship ended fairly soon after (it was a relationship that was far from right before I messed it up further, he subsequently cheated on me).
My opinion is thus: If she's learnt from her mistake and your relationship was good to start with then I think it can work. If she's an habitual cheater or your relationship was already on shaky ground this could be the escape you need.
dont know if i could take her back but then im not you at the end of the day you will be the one who lives with your choice my only thing would be if your future leaves you apart for long times how will your mind be cos the mind can play some awfull tricks
Thanks for your opinions/advise, much apriciated External Media
I hope some of it appears useful. Remember this decision is about you.
i know, but sometimes its useful to have an outsiders opion, and to look at things for a differnt perspective
Sorry, I know it's useful to have the opinion of others but I meant you should only make this decision based on your well being. Not the well being of someone else.External Media
