Hi, I hope typing this out is an acknowledgement to myself that something needs to change… I am looking for a bit of support and direction. You are a good and helpful bunch, so I hope you can help.
For context I am married with a supporting wife (for now) two kids and a decent job that I like.
For a long time (talking a few years) I have struggled to keep it together with executive function - that is to say I avoid the important things. I don’t communicate well with my wife and avoid conflict.
Daily life is ok, allbeit frustrating for everyone. I keep the lights on, everyone fed and clothed. However, anything important sends me into a panic - be it looking a houses, maintaining our current home, car maintenance, holidays - anything that requires any sort of planning.
My wife is struggling too. I wont go into things too much, but it results in low mood and confidence for her which means I do the lion share of chores - laundry, dishes, shopping, school runs, basic maintenance of the home, cleaning and tidying as well as working a full time job. I have a constant knot in my stomach and often wake up with dread in the morning thinking about the stuff I haven’t done and what I should be doing.
The knot in my stomach has led to self harm I think - I won’t describe what as I was told off for saying in a forum ran by Mind - the moderator was not helpful about what I wrote and left. Anyway I digress.
How does one go about getting support (in the UK), I have private medical insurance with work, but I can’t make sense of it, so some direction would help so I don’t keep on procastinating and leaving things for another year.
So sorry to hear that you are feeling like this, it’s a really shit time and I’m sure lots of people are having similar worries and experiences, I know I am at times.
I’d recommend using the private health insurance on a therapist. It can be an amazing tool to use just as someone to talk to who will sit there and just listen. We all could do with someone like that, especially men as it can be so difficult to open up and speak to our other male friends.
I would also recommend creating lists and writing things down. That’s my best coping mechanism when things get overwhelming. I have a very active mind at all times of the day and night, so just writing what’s going through my head on my notes page really helps and is a huge relief.
Hope everything works out for you and your family and things become easier in the near future.
Get the number for the insurance company from work, just in case theres a different line for your work - there is with mine. I have BUPA and just called the number that I have and it states my employer in the automated message. Call them and ask them how it works, they’ll tell you. Have a notepad and pen handy, have some time and a quiet room. Have your personnel number to hand as they’ll need it to confirm that you are an employee of your company.
Good for you, I need to call myself but I’m currently enjoying the sand that my head is stuck in.
We have private medical insurance through work too, and one of my colleague, amazingly open with her depression and anxiety issues, walked us through her experiences with them.
It was pretty simple, it started with a phone call and they guided her from there.
Also, it sounds like you are the sole carer - not sure if some associations can provide support there, in terms or respite or anything.
Getting your wife the medical care she needs could also form part of your overall solution, this said not knowing if she receives any or not at all.
Sounds like you are having a tough time of things currently.
I would suggest getting yourself to see a doctor and being honest with them from the outset. You may find some anti depressants may help although they also come with downsides.
There are also a lot of useful mens help groups like Andy Mans Club or similar. These are the groups where people who are going through tough times talk together and help build confidence and relieve anxiety.
It is fantastic that you have opened up and asked for help and I really hope things get better soon but do take any help you can find as most things can be sorted out without feeling the need to self harm or put you or anyone else in danger.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now but well done for opening up to us, it’s not easy.
As others have mentioned, I’d give the health insurance a call. They’re there to help and will be able to guide you.
It may be that speaking to a GP could help, they might be able to prescribe medication, it’s something for you to decide.
I’m not sure if your employer has something in place like mental health champions or mental health first aiders. If so, talking to them might be a first port of call because they can help and support you through speaking to the insurance.
Thank you for your kind words. I will attempt to document my journey on here if that is ok. Hopefully it will help others, and committing to writing it down will somehow make me do it.
Anyhoo, tomorrow is dealing with my biggest current stressball which is calling the HMRC. The health insurance cover is a taxable benifit and has implications that need to be sorted out by 5th October. That is another thing I put have put off.
Hopefully I will get that sorted and then can move onto getting some help by calling the health insurance people.
I feel for you both, may i suggest you tackle the things that stress you out in bite sized chunks, as suggested write down a list of items that need sorting in order of priority. Also please use the health insurance to get some counselling. In my job we have a dedicated mental health helpline, i have never used it, but it’s good to know it’s there. We are all here to offer advice and support on the forum.
Just wanted to send big hugs .
I am sorry things are so tough , i hope just writing it down and getting support on here has helped a bit .
I wont be able to help with advice on how to go about things through private insurance but … An appointment with your GP would be my first stop (it was for me after years of depression) antidepressants dont suit everyone but it sounds like you could do with some help .
Its hard not to look at all the huge problems that need fixing but you can only take small steps .
It took me ages to find a therapist i was able to talk to honestly and not just say yes and no in the right places , so dont be put off if the first one doesnt feel right .
Hope today has been a better day x
Hey dude it sounds like your in need of some therapy to try help with all this and I’d recommend try getting an appointment to see your doctor in person to talk about it and have them refer you to someone… of course the dreaded waiting lists can take a while but if you stress to them that you’ve started self harming and are struggling bad then they’ll rush things through… there’s also the option of private therapy sessions but can be costly, or see if there’s any local charity based centres that offer the services
First big task, spoke to HMRC today - figured the threat of a fine was the push. Anyway the chap on the phone was helpful… I have to do a tax return and give them so money, and was told that as I have the ball rolling, that all should be well if done by Jan.
Next, I still need to tell the Mrs the situation, which I struggle with - it may sound crass, but would an email help get my points over at least without feeling overwhelmed, before talking to her?
Wednesday I have a day in the office, so I will make some calls to get some help as I feel it would be easier out of the house.
Im glad you have started the ball rolling .
I wrote my OH an old fashioned letter , i had too much to say and knew i would forget things and also knew he would keep interrupting and i would stop talking .
Still had to get up the courage to give it to him but i sat in the same room as him as he read it , so no i dont think it is crass , it didnt go down very well to start with but it made a huge difference and we make time to talk now before things get too big and scary to deal with .
A wise person once said " a confession tomorrow is better than a confrontation today"
But this only works for a short period of time .
Well done for making a start, and HMRC were a good place to begin & I agree that calling your PMI when you’re out of the house will be easier. If your employment offers any sort of Employee Assistance Programme, they may be able to support in some way also if further help is needed, along with the PMI.
An email is good so you can edit as you go and also its an easy option for her to refer back to, without anyone else picking it up and not realising what it is.
I’m trying to imagine if it was me receiving it and I think that I would like some sort of conversation to begin with. Not all the details but rather than just be sent an email out of the blue - which you’ve not said that you were going to do, I just imagined how I’d feel in both scenarios.
So I would have the email ready to go and then tell her that you’ve been struggling with some things and that you need her help to get control of it and send the email. Stay with her and let her read it and discuss it. Keep the email factual but softened, people read things in the tone of the mood that they’re in and I would expect that she’ll revert to defensiveness, because thats what people generally do.
You’ve already made great progress, you’ve identified the problem and are working on solutions and I hope you’re giving yourself credit for the steps that you’ve made.
Well tried and failed to get the ball rolling getting some support today
Had a mare of a day work wise, and when I tried to read the info for employee help and the policy docs for insurance at lunchtime, and I was quickly overwhelmed. Although I got the phone number for insurance and attempted to phone at 6 (close at 630) when I had a clear head only to be told by automated message they are too busy to answer my call before closing time and ended the call.
I will try again tomorrow…
Spent some time in the office gym and feel a little better. The knot is still there in the stomach and I will attempt some relaxing breathing rather than resorting to my other coping technique.
Hope everyone has a pleasant evening
I’m glad you were able to go to the gym and work out some frustrations. Just think, if they did answer at 6:25pm, they wouldn’t have time to go through everything with you and that would’ve been more frustrating. So now you know you probably need to call them around 5:30pm or earlier to get a chance to talk fully to them. Are you going to be able to do that tomorrow?
@The_Little_Ladybird I had heard good things about CBT. Tried a book once, but while the book is usful, there is no accountability. But it is a good option…
Good call about the time @JoCat I will have an hour tomorrow lunchtime - I have a short appointment, but can spin it out and avoid the faffing I would normally do at home.
It has been a long couple of days. I reached out to the insurance people, while the chap was sympathetic, he couldn’t help me without me speaking to a health professional first. He refered me to their mental health support line as the first stop, but alas while I have the phone number, the opportunity hasn’t arose yet to call them.
Unfortunately my eldest and wife has flu, I had my flu jab yesterday and am feeling crappy myself. I am tired and run ragged trying to keep the house going, doing meals, school runs and working, so self care has took a back seat again.
Tonight at 10pm I went for a walk in the rain to avoid a meltdown, doing deep breathing as I went. It was quiet as I live in the countryside. I am soaked and the knot in my stomach has eased, and I haven’t resorted to my previous coping method.
I think listening to myself, taking some time to calm myself is helping.
I will organise the weekend in the morning, plan some time out for self care, to care for the family and try to make some headway.
Thanks for reading x
You’re doing really well at keeping your family afloat, well done. Its great that you’ve found a better coping mechanism, try and make time to call the number, assuming they’re available at the weekends.
Make a big pot of spaghetti bolognese, its comforting and easy to make and does well simmering for a while with an occasional stir.
Look after yourself, remember to put on your oxygen mask first. You can’t look out for your family if you’re not looking after yourself.
Listen to this advice @MrSilverback it was one of the first mind shift changes I had when I was at my lowest (depression, anxiety and OCD) @JoCat you are wonderful x
, it didnt go down very well to start with but it made a huge difference and we make time to talk now before things get too big and scary to deal with .