Hey peeps. Love the wife to bits, can’t emphasise that enough. She is not a very sexually adventurous lady. Great sex when in the mood in a hotel or the lies but day to day she thinks sex is simply bout having orgasm asap…As iv got older iv got fantasies bout stuff
that never used to, like watersports and anal play on me for example. I’m happy doing my prostate massager alone( I work away ) . Has anyone introduced things ike in a relationship which didn’t seem like the oh would take to it?
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Hmm… my hubby has the higher sex drive but mine has lately gone crazy lol. I told him I like variations in how we have sex because it keeps me engaged. Well I’ve become the far more adventurous one which has surprised us both I think 
and he is completely onboard and never says anything about all the packages that arrive in our home 
and does participate excitedly. Having said that I take it super slow and draw things out, like I sext him about masturbation (me) and ask him when he did last so he gets the hint. I’m going to start trying butt plugs and such when I’m with him so that he sees my adventurous side because I know he has been doing a little investigating himself 
and don’t want to freak him out or overwhelm him.
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That sounds class! When we are apart she has stopped even sending photos of herself to me
. When she away in hotel alone she all for( straight sex but good dirty sex) but no kinky stuff. Not even a dirty txt or photo now since we apart
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I think sometimes people forget if that makes sense. Im a person of habits and routine and sometimes I find a jolt of a small measure to jumpstart me and gets me going on a different path. I need changes to the routine. I’d start with reminiscing about those photos or texts. If you have them saved send it back and ask her… remember this wonderful exciting, etc time? I know I’d get the hint 
I have! Told her I wank over them while we are apart. Have said it’s only her I think of when I do (which it is) . Always an excuse. We were together at the wkend jus gone at a wedding, kept telling her how beautiful n sexy she looked, got home into bed, starting kissing her neck,put my y hand down n was told stop
I couldn’t agree more with @Stuck_nomore. Had a similar situation with my OH. I haven’t brought up all (or even a remotely sizable portion - lol) of my kinks to my wife yet but I have started bringing some up and even doing them. Best advice I can give is be sure she knows that she isn’t under pressure, as that’ll backfire.
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I agree… soo important not to put pressure, I know its frustrating, my hubby didn’t on me and it really smoothed the way we are now. Just encouraging, asking her questions about what she would like to do to connect without it being sexual I think goes a long way and building it all up again. @Dom624 it took us months and then boom! Our sex life exploded again, its like being a horny teenager when we first met 
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I hope so, told her I had a wand in the cupboard couple weeks ago( obviously unused) n she seemed very intrigued, got home (after a few drinks) n she used being tired as an excuse not to try it. She literally said you carry on. I was so frustrated I did start masterbaiting in bed nxt to her touching her n she had no response
I’m sorry that does sound frustrating. Maybe counseling? Check in with doctor? It may be hormonal or low on minerals, etc? I’d just talk about it without pressure to encourage her. This was many months of work on our part to get me where I am, and I was super fortunate my mental health meds made such a quick difference. When I’m not getting enough or am curious I just try and please myself and toys definitely help in that department
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Have tried telling her to touch herself when she is alone. Discover herself in her own time, don’t even need to tell me she is. Like when she horny, ( rarely) she wants it. Fingered her in the crowd at a concert in the summer, she loved it. Then shut down since. Every time I bring up the subject she changes conversation or goes to bed. As we only together every other wkend it’s near impossible to get her sat down n chat
Oh my. My therapist told me that I was so far ahead in my counseling that I was doing amazing. I didn’t realize how long it may take people but I can assure you it felt like forever to me. I can’t imagine for other people. I started January 2021 and I am finally ahead in my last 6 months. Maybe try a date night? Or even bring up in texts? I find that to sometimes be helpful because I find that to help me be more bold rather than face to face
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Yea date nights in hotels always ends up great, jus seems to end the second walk out the door of hotel! In that situation I had touching her while touching myself at your low points surely you realise to do something in return?
@Dom624
It’s tricky. I’ve posted many times about how me and my OH got into therapy and it massively improved not just our sex life but our whole lives.
It got to a difficult point with us and I finally made the point to her that sex for me was about love, connection, intimacy and something that I valued deeply and was a need.
She understood that, and wants to have a good relationship. We had gone through a few years of me getting snubbed every time I tried it, and me building up simmering resentments.
The point I made above got us into a therapist, specifically to talk about mismatched libido and our sex life. The therapist was not even very good at that stuff (I picked badly!) but it did get us really communicating and an understanding that this is an important part of a healthy relationship (for us anyway)
My OH had got so far away from sex she just did not care about it anymore, and was very disconnected from her own body - which is bad for sex!
We did the sexual blueprint test, and a whole slew of other things; watch TV shows, listened to podcasts and interviews with sex coaches and specialists.
One thing I realised is that at our stage of life (two young kids, very busy jobs) spontaneous sex is almost non-existent for us.
Once my OH agreed to being more intentional about our sex and intimacy, it meant we could plan some ‘passion play dates’.
I found that asking when would be a good time for us to have sex from her point of view, made her think about it and commit.
Sometimes it’s very small steps.
The other thing I have really tried to work is not only communicating my needs, but really trying to understand what turns my wife on, what makes her feel pleasure, and how can it be the best experience for her?
It’s a very common thing (and my wife has a history of trauma) that safety, privacy and absolute trust are essential, and it’s very true for us.
We did a makeover on our bedroom, so make it very comfortable and romantic for us and we now have a lot of rituals - foreplay essentially.
Baths, music, scented candles, scented massage oils and lots of massages.
We tend to keep it slow, sensual and playful with a lot of awkward, clumsy and giggling thrown in!
I prefer it that way. It really varies how often we do it, but we generally at least once a month have a long saturday night play date with lots of lingerie and toys. These are the best sessions for me, as they last a long time, and I really experience something amazing.
Your wife sounds similar in the way that once she commits to sex, she enjoys it, but has some obstacles.
We were partners raising kids, but we really focus on our relationship together now. We play music together and make sure we have dates - which had really slipped.
All that stuff is just essential for us to stay connected, romantic and sparkly.
Through all of that, I have been able to tell her stuff that I wouldn’t have dared to before - and once the playfulness returned, she is happy to listen, and maybe take me up on the offer!
Hope you guys find your way back together.
It’s been a great journey for us.
Good luck and have fun on the way!
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Fantastic stuff, thank you so much for taking the time to share so much,we have a young kid too. Can relate to lot of your stuff. Thank you, wil take lot of that on board
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@our-adventure-bed you have articulated this very well. I’m in Lifespan Integration therapy for childhood trauma and neglect and this sounds like a very similar process we’ve gone thru. Psychotherapy has connected alot of dots on my reactions to situations that nobody really understands. My therapist said that with the abuse I have experienced that I’m in this place in our relationship is a tremendous effort and quite amazing at our relationship. To do this work takes a huge effort and a lot of resilience. I’ve experienced depression and anxiety for most of my life and I’m almost 50. I finally feel free and able to respond to the stimulation from an ‘in the moment’ response rather than having to rehearse my responses because of trauma.
This journey is well worth the effort, I know this. I’m soo glad I took the steps to heart because its definitely transforming my life and relationships. I would encourage everyone to start the journey.
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So incredibly well said. Lots of that resonates with me.
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All I can say I talk talk and talk some more to your wife, and be prepared to compromise on some things
I’m so glad I don’t have an OH, I can be as kinky as I want to be without any conversations, well, apart from ones in my head and they already know not to disagree with me because I’m going to do it anyway 
Just be you and if your OH doesn’t like your kink, then wait till you have time alone and crank up the kink clock …you’ll have the best of both worlds… Have fun
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Have you ever watched porn together? We have used it as a talking point to guage reactions/ open up about what we’d like to try.
If you work away and have a young child, she might just be too exhausted and be seeing sex as another chore to do. It gets easier but open communication, intimacy in other forms (massage, cuddling, date nights with no intent of sex) and doing extra things to help around the house (again, with no expectation of thanks or sex) can do wonders.
Young kids are exhausting, especially if there are times when you are working away and she’s doing it solo, but it does get better- it’s just a case of making it through this stage!
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