the things that change us.......

Off-Topic Chat
1

The last few days there have been lots of threads which have made me think about the things that happen to us which change the way we are, the way we see the world and the way in which we react to things.

My life hasn't turned out the way I planned and it has been things beyond my control which have influenced that. The three biggest changes in my life have all shaped the way I view life now.

They were

1 loosing a baby at 24 weeks after trying for 7 years to get pregnant

2 Having 2 amazing little girls very close together

3 Watching my husband deal with cancer and spending the last 8 months of his life in hospital totally dependant on others for everything.

I am different person having been through those things, I am stronger more independant and have come to realise that life is too short and too precious to waste. My current partner and I are, to outsiders so badly matched that our relationship shouldnt work. But I have learnt to keep an open mind so have accepted our differences and embraced them. For the first time in a long while I feel happy, valued and more than just someones mum/wife etc.

So what has changed your life, for better or worse ? and how do you cope with the changes?

xGGx

2

My life got turned around completely a few years ago. When I was 14, after a minor illness, I developed an extremely bad anxiety disorder, which made every day going to school incredibly difficult. For months, every morning going to school was terrifying, and it was always a struggle to cope. At times, I was off for weeks. Eventually, at the end of my third year, I stopped going and stopped trying. I was then housebound for the next three or four years with severe agoraphobia. I went out so little that I would say I'd be suprised if i'd go out more than once a month, and by going out, I mean moving more than a few hundred yards from my house. I tried therapy and hypnotherapy and other things, but they didn't seem to work for me, as the fear stopped me from going for more than two appointments.

Then, when I was 18, things just steadily got better apparently all on their own. I got a job, I started going out with people at work, I could go into town and into shops and go to the movies without feeling like I needed to run away. Since then i've just gotten better and better, and I can't even recognise that person in me anymore. I still sometimes have little hicups, in that I'm still a little wary about certain situations, but that doesn't stop me doing them. I'm even considering going to college and moving away for uni. The week after next i'm going to edinburgh for four days.

I still look back on that time and wish I'd been able to stay in school. I wish I knew who I would have become and regret the things I missed out on, but I don't know if I'd be on the road I am now if I had things go easy for me. I know i'd probably be in uni by now, but I have no idea doing What.

So, while I wish I hadn't had to go through all of that, and I do believe I missed a lot, I think that having gone through dealing with fear has made me stronger. If you spend your whole world in fear, and can get over that, then you can deal with the fear in Anything.

3

A nice idea for a thread and powerful to see how bad things in life have a useful function

Mine are in no particular order of effect

The birth of my 2 kids
My wife being being rushed into hospital with pancreatitis after the above
Dealing with the hurt and eventually acceptance of my brother in law developing schizophrenia
Watching my Dad deteriorate slowly and die from prostate cancer
Helping my mum and family deal with above
My sisters recent breast cancer ordeal
Having an affair before I got married, admitting to it and almost losing my marriage
My mother in law having a heart attack and watching the impact of this on her and my wife

I've learnt a hell of a lot about what's important to me and what's not. Sometimes I think I've been through a lot ( I'm only 35 ) but then I know there are many many people with just as much tragedy in their life.

I worry very little about the small stuff now and don't give a shit what people think of me. Before all this I used to almost wear a mask and pretend to be different depending on what group I was in. Not anymore.

4

Oooh ...

Well I guess several tihngs:

Being violently abused as a child and havoing to watch others being subjected to violence and humiliation

Failing all but 3 of my o levels and leaving school - later I got the hang of learning and got a Masters degree!

Being mentally ill for 3 years or so - suicidal actually as many things got on top of me. I have been talked down from a cliff top.

Having an affair

The breakdown of my marriage (not due to the above ... amazingly.)

My 2 children refusing to have anything to do with me

Finding an amazing woman who knows and understands me and all my shit ... I've known her for nearly 20 years so not so much finding her and realsing what we both feel for the other

It's been an odd life so far!!

5

Erh, there would be many:

1 the fact I happen to be born as girl, while my grandparents always wanted mail heir. Guess I am big disappointment to them, because I dont behave like a girl should according to them. - they even disinherited my mom based on the fact she is just a woman!

2 harrassment at school when I was kid for 7 years, even got beaten.

3 my friend geting rapped and almost taking her life after being called whore by her grandmother.

4 my parents not approaving my choise of carreer, took them 5 years of arguments to come round.

I think those things during childhood and teen years shaped me into person who is much older inside than by biological age I should. I have tendency to put mask of ice indiferent queen and keep people from me at safe distance still. The really good thing was my current university. I have to leave my home country and start to live in UK. I was lucky to meet people who worked with me on the things listed above and I became more happy and confident individual. But I still feel sometimes very old, like I saw too much already. I also lost 3 people I really loved and who supported me. 2 were too young! A man I loved died at age 20, his heart failed, at the same time my beloved grandaunt, who always supported me, was dieing on cancer. And few people I love lifes were also in danger. And then there was the suspect for me to have breast cancer, luckily it was just a cyst!

I know I can be sarcastic and looking stern, but life showed me some of its worse sides, so I sometimes expect the worst now. And I feel like double my age at times, to be honest.

6

Being only 21 and very fortunate I've not had many (any) of the devestating difficulties some posters have alread mentioned (thankfully) but my life has changed a lot and there are things that have impacted me.

1) I was an OCD hand washer as a child, couldn't go more than a couple of minutes without washing - my sleeves were always wet, my hands red raw and bleeding but it taught me that I can control what I feel I "need" to do I know it's under control. It taught me how to recognise when a behaviour is getting out of hand.

2) Aged 15 I got with WandA, long distance and a little later moved school - it was one of the toughest periods (losing all my friends, struggling to make new ones and not having someone supportive near by as I couldn't really talk to my parents) but I got through it and now I can recognise when I'm "spiralling" into negativity and can avoid it.

3) Realising painful penetration was always going to be a part of my sex life. I learnt that my OH is truly amazing for understanding and I learnt that sex isn't just about penetration or orgasm (I find orgasm painful too). I was in and out of specialists offices having biopsies, botox injections and various other treatments before realising this is just what I have to deal with and really, it's not so bad! My sex life is better than it would have been thanks to the pain and I wouldn't change it.

4) Aged 18 I was diagnosed with a permanent, untreatable chronic pain and fatigue condition - it's taken a long time to come to terms with it but I now realise we can't grumble about the hand we're dealt because nothing changes, we are who we are and we have things to deal with but noone is going to make your life better - you have to do it yourself. For the sake of your own happiness. We only live once, we can't let things get in the way of our happiness.

5) Joint biggest impact on my life so far - moving to be with my OH, starting university doing a degree I love, realising what I want to do with the rest of my life and learning to work bloody hard and self motivate (in high school I was the worst at avoiding work - spent a year and a half of two year courses doing nothing) and achieving what I want to. Getting on to my PhD. Knowing I deserve it thanks to my passion, enthusiasm and hard work. Feeling more confident than ever in my abilities and finally, finally, making my parents proud!

6) The other biggest impact - losing religion. I am a happier, more relaxed person now I realise it's silly to think we get another chance at this, we have one life, we have to make the most of it and enjoy it and not sit around worrying what some make believe superhuman sadistically wants us to avoid. Why would I want to spend my life regretting and avoiding the things that make me happy...

The two happiest things I've discovered are science and skepticism and I don't believe God is compatable with those beliefs (I know there are scientists who disagree but this is my opinion). I think losing God makes me more responsible for my actions and my happiness and I'm very glad, and proud to call myself an atheist (or as Richard Dawkins puts it: a "temporary agnostic in practise").

Adx

7

1) Being diagnpsed with dyslexia and dyspraxia at 9.

ive always had the learning difficulties and will always have them, but it was at that point where i could say i actually had something and it wasn't what my parents were being told about me, that i was just "slow" or thick.

2) being bullied throughout school.

it made me stronger as a person i feel

3) surviving living with parental/family emotional abuse

combined with the bullying at school it made my teen years incredibly hard and the fallout from it still affects me today. but it's made me a stronger person and more clear on the relationship i have with both family and in my romantic life.

8

Wow. I can't begin to fathom such tragedy yet, as I'm only 19, but I guess there are some pretty significant things have shaped my life so far, that sometimes I wish didn't have to happen but have made me a better person.

  • Finding out randomly when I was about 9 that my Dad wasn't my biological father and that my younger brother and sister were only my half-siblings.
  • Being bullied in and out of school
  • Moving to a foreign country at 14, having to go to a new school and learn a new language, getting bullied there too.
  • Leaving my family at 16 to do my A Levels in English where we came from, and not seeing them for months at a time.
  • Realising my Dad is an alcoholic and severe smoker and that he can't live without them. Even after the shock of a stroke and the doctor telling him he won't live much longer if he carries on he still can't quit.
  • Finally finding my passion in life, Animals.
  • Getting into uni when I was convinced I never could after getting crappy grades in my A Levels.

Hopefully the next will be finishing my undergraduate degree.

Everything seems tragic when you're a teenage but I know now that I'm still (pretty much) sane so it can't have been that bad. And although there are still aspects of myself I wish I could change, I think I'm a far better person, and I know I have a loving family and loving friends which makes it all worth while

9

I always bounce back which I think makes me stronger.... but... nothing huge to me.

  • Being told at 18, that i had a low chance of ever having children (PCOS was like that years ago)
  • Having a breakdown at 25 (bad long distance relationship which was mentally abusive)
  • Miscarrying and not knowing I was even pregnant (for the best to be honest, as the ex was a twit)
  • Being bullied at work
  • My sister having a baby has made me much more maternal
  • My job has changed me as I realise, "hey my life aint so tricky"
  • Getting up and living in random countries has made me stronger as an individual, I also learned to appreciate my own company and meet new people.
  • Suffering from stress/depression and dealing with constant ups and downs as well as exhaustion.
  • My OH has changed me for the better where he makes my giant mole hill stresses seem like dots... <3
10

one i forgot earlier

Coping with daily pain and chronic fatigue.

yes it's crappy that i can't do things a normal 20 year old can, and i will never be able to run a marathon or even tie my own shoelaces ( that's dyspraxia though)

but it's manegable most of the time, and im lucky in this respect because there are a lot of people who live in pain that can't be managed.

11

wow the honesty of the posters on here amazes me, I didnt expect so many people to bare their souls.

It seems like most of us have had to deal with the crap that life throws out in random directions and even with ongoing problems have been positive about the outcomes.

My own experiences have bought me to a good place, still have bad days but am getting so much support from my OH that anything seems possible.

xGGx

12

what a great thread very interesting reading.not much for me realy but the birth of my 2 gorgous kids and my beutifull wife.on the down side loosing our 2 buisinesses due to our partner leaving his wife and shagging the secutary and winding our busisness up then go and buy it back again just to get rid or my family which my father built up over 35years.weve gone from having a very good life stlye to struggling last year ie bieng on the dole for 3 months not a plesant experience.watching my parents struggle threw with no money at there time of life is not very nice.and all the shit i put my wife threw bien an arse with her and she stood by me sum how i dont no how!! but things have turned around now fingers crossed anyway

13

ghostgirl wrote:

My own experiences have bought me to a good place, still have bad days but am getting so much support from my OH that anything seems possible.

This.

Noone has a perfect life - it's how we deal with it that makes us happy/keeps us sane.

I know I've dealt with nothing compared to some people and I have a hell of a lot of positivity in my life (which I hope I've expressed in the second half of my post) but those things that have been "difficult" have certainly only represented something I have to deal with and move on from. Sure it's horrible being a 21 year old trapped in an 80 year old's body but you know what - it makes me appreciate just what is worth being bed bound for a week afterwards (i.e. if I had bitchy "friends", would they deserve me to show my face on a night out if I'm not going to enjoy it and it will cripple me?). I've learnt who is worth the little energy I have and that is a wonderful thing to know :D it makes you super grateful for the little things too! Plus I now have superhuman nerves even if they are also completely fucked! As much as I have bad days (and right now I feel like screaming, crying, kicking and generally being a brat because I'm having a really bad day) I have a lot more good days and I don't think I'd change having had to come to terms with it....I'd like if the pain went away now I've learnt from it, but if I could have it for a short period of my life I reckon I wouldn't change it.

Adx

14

Well, I dont consider my heath problems such a devastating influence, because its a minor problem for me after what I went through in the past. I can deal with itchy skin (yes, it is irritating and does limit me, no an hour long swim, no bath, etc), hormonal problems including extremely painful periods (also limiting me in my life as I am confirmed to bed for a day or 2) and I cannot eat meat because it makes me sick, but I can take this far more easier than finding my friend with cut arms or having no friends and being bullied for liking books and red hair.

But there are consequences of my past. I cannot imagine being with same age guy, because for me they are extremely immature still (95% of them). My partner is 12 year older than me. I also never was drunk, never returned from club at ridiculous morning hours. I do think it made me stronger, but I needed help to actually get over it and I do understand that the marks on me are just too deep and they will never fully heal. I had to learn to control my behaviour if I get into situations which can cause me nerves problems etc. If I get weak it can come and does come back at times. I think I just learnd to be happy from sunshine, smell of roses, laying in the grass in a forest, washing my hands in mountain stream etc. Still at times I feel very very old and although my body looks much younger (18-19 at most!, some guessed even 16!), while I am 25, my mind is older, much older.

violeteyes: know the feeling too well. i only had 3 friends since about 8 till about 12-13 and I do feel it left am impact on me. I still dont consider many people friends, because they dont fit my high expectation of friendship. I do go out with them etc, but they are not people I would trust with some really intimate things.

15

Well, I was born in East Africa which provided an idyllic setting to my early childhood. However, when I was ten we were expelled from the country of my birth because we were white. After an unsettled couple of years drifting around trying to find a country to live in (during which my father's violent nature took on new dimensions) we ended up in the UK - me in the bottom form of a secondary modern school and convinced my life was in the toilet.

I see everything that happened after that as a gradual climb from that low point to now, where I feel I have been unduly fortunate to a "pinch myself in case I'm dreaming" level of happiness with my lot.

I can identify a few important milestones though perhaps the most important wasn't obvious at the time. In 1967 (the summer of love!) the song "A Whiter Shade of Pale" was a major hit and, on hearing that it was based on themes by Bach, I bought a copy of the Brandenburg Concertos and thus started my love for Bach's music. It was through this passion that, years later, I met my wife - undoubtedly the cornerstone of all the best things in my life. So I have always felt that 1967 was indeed the summer of love for me, but slightly delayed.

16

Just like other people, good things and bad things have really effected my life. I'll comment on the recent few years of my life which isn't that long (Age 25);

At 15, I suffered depression and I couldn't conform in a normal school environment. Luckily, I went to a small private college and they helped. Even though I don't suffer with severe depression like I used to, I always feel it still lingers there a bit.

Mild stroke at 18. One of the most frightening and oddest experiences of my life. Didn't take me too long to learn/ have the energy to walk again. But I still suffer with slurring in my speech and sometimes I combine two or three words together to make one word which is surprising but quite amusing.

I managed to return to university after that experience and I was determined complete my degree. When I found out I got a 2: 1 and I told my mother over the telephone (she lives abroad), she burst into tears and couldn't speak. I just passed the phone to her mum. (She was happy). Reason being I've had some very difficult years prior and she was overjoyed something wonderful had happened.

Unfortunately, there have been terrible family problems over the years. I've learnt to accept the rejection from my father. But out of that bad situation, I went to live with my grandparents and I realised how wonderful they are and they are my rock! So I'm very lucky and happy we have each other.

Soppy, when I met my boyfriend. I feel so happy sharing our lives together and he's taught me a lot. He makes me smile and we have fun together. I cut my travelling holiday short to go back to the UK and be with him.

So there are a few life changing experiences. I try to keep pushing myself forward every day but I seem to punish myself about the past.

17

Avrille *she just hugs her tight* I had tears n my eyes. I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you have better life now, but I know too well, these things do leave something deep down

18

Avrille I have no idea how to respond you have had me sat here close to tears and angry that anyone should be allowed to suffer like that in a 'civilised' society.

I hope that writing it down and sharing it is a cathartic experience for you and that you continue to grow stronger with the support of your man. He must be very special to be so understanding of you.

Your post is without doubt one of the most thought provoking and powerful things I have ever read.

xGGx

19

Please dont apologise for what you wrote it was a very honest and powerful post. I am glad that you are moving forward with the support of a man who is clearly very special I think that having survived the childhood you described you deserve good things coming your way.

I understand about feeling better for getting it out, when I lost my son I was advised to write down how I was feeling. I have a handwritten book here of letters to him, starting with how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant through to past his funeral. I havent been able to read it since I finished them and no one else has ever been allowed to read it, not even his Dad. But being able to put all the feelings on paper helped so much. I havent ever really talked about how it made me feel either, have been open about loosing him but not about the feelings.

You must be a very strong and resiliant woman, something you should be proud of

xGGx

20

I am sorry GG for the lost, when I lost the man I loved I beyond myself with grieve, took me almost 2 years before I started to open to another man afterwards. But I still love that guy deep down. But I know he would want me to go on, not forget, but to find someone else. And at the same my beloved grandaunt was dieing on cancer, was extremely hard to cope with both at the same time. And I still regret I did not have more time for her, I got the news the cancer is back week before I had to leave for UK, the doctors were giving her 2 months, so I had to leave thinking I would never see her again. She lasted a year in the end, but I saw her for the last time in August, and she died in the beginning of November, almost exactly year after my beloved passed away. I have to admit it made me come in terms with my own mortality. I am not scared of death anymore, I think I accepted it completely as a part of life circle. Does not mean I intent to kill myself, I do enjoy life, just I am not scared that one day I will have to leave. Some people consider it depressing. I dont think it is.

Avrielle: your mother is strange person to me a bit, but then I went through a period when my grandparents were putting me down because I am just a girl. And they did even worse with my mother, women are worth almost nothing to them! Just good enough to take care of the man, have kids and take care of house, basically. Took me ages to get over it, with help from professional and it can still come back at times when I am really really down. You are lucky you have your man, who is willing to help you and protect you. As for giving your family up, well... I understand that well. I have not given up completely, but I know I keep more of an distance. My mom is often putting me down by my looks. caused some trouble with my current partner, but we managed to survive. So far. I hope you will in the end win this fight and become stronger individual.